Improving Desire in long term Relationships - notes from AAMFT Conference (9 Nov 22) Speaker is Angela Skurtu, LMFT.

The speaker is a sex therapist. She stated that 70% of males are spontaneous and 30% are responsive. 70% of females are responsive and 30% of female are spontaneous. Responsive Desire types are forever maybe. They need to move into desire. Responsive to desire - feeling loved, feeling seen or appreciated, feeling beautiful or handsome, feeling having a great conversation, being affectionate in non-sexual ways. (Creating warmth and attention). Talking dirty or flirty. Putting mind on a sexy topic. Watching a sexy movie. Laying naked with each other and rubbing bodies together. Making out or cuddling. Creative waves, dry H——ing. May suggest a date night. May affectionately touch partner (not necessarily sexually. May not be fully invested in sex as it starts but may get there. Likely will suggest an activity that will build desire over time (if that’s an option). For Spontaneous persons- if available why not take it? Think about sex more frequently. Feeling sexually aroused and then act. Many post they can have sex daily, often initiate sex more frequently in sickness and even potential death would not prevent sex. A person can be blends between Spontaneous and Responsive. There is no hard fast rule. As people age they become more responsive. There can be times when one is more responsive or spontaneous. Everyone has some response traits. Nerve endings fire differently as we age. We numb more and so need more build up and direct stimulation. Desire strategies in therapy Individual sessions. Assess for trauma, relationship stress, underlying resentment. Assess for sex education background and general comfort with sex. Help the individual identify a personal goal for their sex life. “What’s something you can get out of this for you? What makes sex good for you? Is the sex good? What kind of sex are you having? Some clients have struggled with sex from the beginning. Boundaries in relationships. Have date nights and find ways to be alone. Maybe challenge old belief systems that sex is not good. If a person doesn’t want sex, go back to when it was good. Nostalgia. When you have enjoyed it, what was good for you. Has there ever been good sex? What do you see around you that looks appealing or not? Try to remove the idea that sex is for the other partner. Sexual Journey: 1. Try anything, 1, 2, or thrice. Bring a sense of non judgemental curiosity. 2. My body is beautiful. (There is no need to arrive or get somewhere first. I am worthy of pleasure. 3. Exploration mentally, physically, emotionally and spirituality in core values. It can be common if one doesn’t like his/her body now, didn’t before. Maybe said ten years ago. 4. How can you see yourself as your partner does? Explore the body and what is felt. How self compassion facilitates hot sex. Understanding and respecting brakes. The idea of having intimacy of some kind that works for you. Develop sexual creativity. Developing a personal connection around sex. Massage, nude nights. 5. Some dissociate when having sex. - feelings are flexible. - Make a choice to move toward a feeling - create a setting or a mood that would enhance said feeling. - Cultivating curiosity when selling and action state. - Deeply love and accept yourself even when you can’t get there. (cultivate self compassion). Sex Routines: Hobby sex (not a chore) - anticipation. Maybe be flirty. Looking at different aides. Thinking about it, talking to partner about it. It is not something that just happens. Intimacy can be flirty, touching etc…affection not sex. Social, emotional (talk about feelings) intellectual - talk about sex. You can be intimate during stress. You need to find creative ways. Talking, watching a romantic film, cuddling naked etc…creating shift. Awkwardly go for it. Build tolerance for the uncomfortable. Taking risks. Flirting. Non serial affection. Changing the meaning of touch. The speaker provided an example of a man who was slapping his partners butt. He was asked what was going through his mind. His response was pretty and he wants to be close. He had to adjust his touch. Get clients to express what they mean when they touch and how the other feels when received. Angela Skurtu is a sex therapist and works solely on this topic. She is on u tube where she shares with clients.