Fr Bill German S.J.

A week ago Saturday, I telephoned my almost 92 year old friend, a retired priest who doesn’t know the meaning of retirement. He was as usual very excited to hear from me. “How is the book coming?” He was referring to the Internet Murders. He knew the book was dedicated to him which made it all the more exciting. After a bit he told me that he had lost his appetite, that he wasn’t eating and that he was praying for God to come and take him. Of course I was not ready to hear that and told him he had to stay. I asked if he wanted to go to the Mandarin and he said he would go with me but would not eat since he could not. I was going to visit him in the near future. Last Saturday I was notified that he had died two days after our conversation at noon. I had debated going out to play or work in the house, when I opened up my computer to see if my publisher had sent me any feedback on my book. Immediately I saw the caption with Bill German from a mutual friend and I knew. The funeral mass would be at Our Lady of Lourdes and I shut my computer, all priorities changing. I changed and departed to see my old friend for one last time. There was a parking space available and I was pleased. I entered the church and at the rear was a coffin with my friend inside. There were posters of pictures with lots of people at different times of his life. I paused to see a younger version of himself which surprised me. I only knew him for nine years and that was as an older man. A brochure was handed out, listing his accomplishments. He was born September 1,1925, in Toronto, Ontario. It did not say that his father was a judge. He entered the Jesuits in Jul 30, 1943, Joseph Monaghan/Novice Master. He had Juniorate Studies in Guelph, 1945-47; Philosophy studies at Immaculee Conception, Montreal, 1947-1950; He was a teacher at Addis-Ababa, Ethiopia, 1950-1953. He studied Theology at Regis, 1953-54. Theology studies at St Mary’s, Kurseion, India, 1954-57. He was ordained a Priest in Kurseong, India on Nov 21, 1956. Tertianship at Hazaribagh, Darjeeling, India, 1958-59. Teacher, Headmaster, Pastor, Calcutta, Siliguri, Gayaganga 1959-70. Special student, Regis College, 1970-71. Teacher, Retreat Director, Chaplain, North Point, Darjeeling 1971-85. Special Student- Spiritual Exercises, Guelph, Ontario, 1985-86. Associate Pastor at Our Lady of Lourdes, Toronto, 1986-2014. Ministry of Prayer, Rene Goupil House, Pickering, 2014-2017. Who was Bill German? He was my Pastoral Counsellor. He was my Spiritual Director. He was my confidant. But most of all, he was my dear friend. We spent many evenings having supper out, because we both loved food. We had discussions and we had arguments and best of all we had fun. So as I looked down at my old friend, I saw a body with make up on his face and knew that he was no longer here. He was now where he wanted to be with God (Not yet said our mutual friend as we discussed later). As part of my studies before becoming a therapist and Pastoral Counsellor my self, it was required that I had my own therapy. I could not have had anyone better as I suffered watching others suffer with chronic diseases, as I suffered watching people die, as I suffered watching others suffer. My suffering turned into compassion and empathy as I learned to accept things as they are. I found my own guidance from him as I now help others. If I am a fraction of the person he was than I am pleased with myself. As I took my seat at the rear of the church, I felt it was wrong to turn my back to Fr Bill. I sat there grateful that I had checked my emails. I sat there grateful that he had been my friend. I did not have time to mourn. I was still in a state of I do not know what. Shock? Surprise? I refused to let him go. I was adamant of keeping him here. My need surpassed his of wanting to be with God. I saw our mutual friend who came to sit with me. It was he who sent me to him when I needed to fulfill this academic requirement with my second program I was in for Pastoral Counselling. The church filled quickly and then the mass begun. One person fainted. One man was sobbing so much, I thought I had to go help him, but he eventually controlled his grief. Then his eulogy begun and I heard how much he was there for everyone, how he loved his food, how he loved everyone. I heard how I was not the only person not wanting him gone. How many of us wanted to hold on to him? Ironically this morning I read a passage in the bible, “Jesus said to her, “”Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking for?…. Do not hold on to me, because I have not yet ascended to the Father.””(Jesus appears to Mary Magdalene). It made me think how much we want to keep our loved ones here but how we need to let go. At the end of the eulogy, I realized that the affect this man and priest had on me was shared with all those in the mass. We loved him. We cared about him and wanted to hold on to him and why not? He had meant so much. I remember when I was formally seeing him. He wanted me to begin reading/praying the breviary. “If God wanted me to have a breviary, he would make it more affordable!” I blurted out. It was last summer that he gave me one, when I asked for it. In it he wrote “May God Bless you as you pray Fr Bill GJ” I have been reading it, studying it, and praying it since. He wanted me to have one for priests. By the end of the mass I was feeling elated. I realized I had to let go and celebrate his life and not grieve it. Our mutual friend and I went out to the Scarborough Bluffs to eat where Fr Bill and I ate last summer. It was not an easy chore because I had to push his wheel chair and it was no easy feat getting him in and out of my car. He had no qualms asking for help and he taught me it was ok. I had learned to be independent. That was the guidance from my own father. However, Fr Bill taught me the importance of balance in this department. He taught me this from watching him interacting with others. Then our mutual friend and I went to the boardwalk and we talked about life, religion, culture, war, etc…..in an environment of nature as we watched the blue lake. It was a beautiful day full of sun and warmth and food. We ended the day at a pub where we ate a pizza. I think it was a perfect day to celebrate the life of Fr Bill. I will continue to miss him, but in many ways he has left his mark on me. He has taught me by example how to care for others. He has taught me how to open my arms and reach out in pastoral care. He has taught me how to be a better person. Good bye my dear friend. I will learn how to let you go. I just need some time.

Canada celebrates 150!!!!!!!! Thank you for being my home.

As of tomorrow because I am working today, I will be celebrating each and every day for our birthday. I welcome all Americans to come and see us party. I spent two holidays celebrating the States party,in the States, once in Norfolk and the other at Disney World. I used to envy how Americans celebrated their birthday and we have finally caught up. Toronto should be going strong for four days. Can't wait! I bought a berry pie with only various berries all from Canada, whipping cream, strawberries etc.......I tried to buy all Canadian but my new Canada celebration slippers with cute flags come from China. Thank you China for making them so cute. It is hard to buy all Canadian if you don't read the small print. My flag pole is busted so I won't be able to fly my flag, but I have a tiny one for the car. Happy Birthday Canada and thank you.

Psychotherapy - How often and how much time?

I recently informed you about how people ask me questions expecting an immediate and easy response about the amount of time required for therapy and how I cannot provide it so here goes. My undergrad schooling was in psychology and I was informed that two months is the average figure for therapy. Then I continued with grad studies and etc…and I found that many kept clients for long term. What I learned in the process through internships and private practice, is that there is no magic number. Yes, I have seen people for consultations which has been mostly trying to determine how one can offer emotional support for someone close to them who has a terminal diagnosis, how to help their child, how to understand a situation etc……Normally that has taken me one session or two as a follow-up. Then I have seen clients who has taken up to six months to share a horrifying life event. I have seen clients from one session to one year to help them cope with their addiction and to help work on alternative ways of dealing with their suffering rather than the addiction. I have seen clients who required a diagnosis and have referred them with their permission. I have seen clients for a variety of issues and my objective is to help them with what they want help with but it is up to them to take a look at themselves and their situation and determine what it is they want. Often one wants me to “fix” or tell them what to do. However, it is up to the individual to determine what it is they want and need. I can only help them see it, by having them step back and look at themselves and their surroundings, while before, it was too murky because the emotions are too powerful. People sometimes see me for one reason and then determine that it is something else entirely that was causing disturbances, rather than what they thought initially. One question I often ask is “Who are you?” That question has been cause for reflection, a burst of tears, etc……Too often people are being told who they are, what their failures are etc…..that they see themselves how people in their circles treat them. It is for this reason and many others that I hesitate to say how much therapy is required for the individual. What are the struggles? How long has the person struggled? Has abuse been silenced? Has abuse become the norm? Does the individual have a distorted view of the world and their situation? How resilient is the person? Is the person suffering trauma, grief etc….How open is someone to therapy? Is there a support system? Is there a stigma etc….. It may take a few sessions for some who have experienced something and need help to sort things out for themselves. As a therapist I may help you understand why you remain in an abusive relationship if you are in one. You may also reflect and determine that it is you who are the abuser etc……. My objective is not to keep someone in therapy if it is not required. I find that unethical. I find that people initially may need weekly session or bi-weekly. This can be decreased gradually or more so. Some may want to check in once every month or six months or annually. Some may feel good enough to move on with their lives in another direction to please themselves rather than others. What do you think? I will like to continue with couple therapy, family therapy and Pastoral Counselling. Feel free to ask any questions.

Book number 4 idea

I was speaking to a friend of mine this morning who is struggling with cancer. She was given two years to live and has surpassed that but she does get bouts of heavy duty sickness. One thing I have noticed about her is that she wants to hear about my life and what my latest adventure is. I know she wants to know something that can distract her from her endless chemo. After bringing her up to date with my latest course and interaction and lunch with our previous colleagues, I said I didn't know what I should write my book on next. I have ideas of course but I did not know which genre I should write about. "Make it funny," she responded cheerfully. She had perked up. "Write about two old ladies who get into mischief while trying to solve crimes." Initially I hesitated. I wrote a funny first book and that got me into trouble with some non fans. "Hey Guy Buy Me" taught me how quickly people respond when they feel insulted by a woman. However, many men enjoyed the book as well. Ladies, I recommend that if you want to know what a man is like and his views about women, buy him a copy of that. However, I would encourage to make the guy buy the book and then figure out if he is worth having in a pending relationship. I informed my friend that I was thinking of writing about a serial killer who targets the elderly at a senior centre, however, I wasn't planning on using two elderly women to investigate. I had thought of using the characters from my "The Internet Murders". However I have no rush and can always continue with them another time. "Why not? I replied, quickly loving the idea. The baby boomers should love it (or not). "I can write it and dedicate it to you." She giggled and I could hear her excitement. I was pleased because for a moment she forgot that she was given a death sentence. I said I would like to hear more of her ideas. She was happy and so was I since she was suffering so and this would give her something to think about. I also thought of a Montreal publisher who said that she may be interested if the character is mainly in Montreal. How can I arrange that I thought? Would the publisher consider 50%? I said goodbye to my friend as she remained in her fugue of happiness since I had to walk to the office to do some work. Yes, a book of humour with a twist of mystery and a twist of death with the ups and downs of life and how to remain smiling. What do you think?

Memory and Aging continuation…………

This weekend I was asked a question about how much therapy a person requires and if I follow Freud’s concepts? Those were two mouthful questions? People always ask me spontaneous questions and expect a 30 second response, normally with a figure. And I was going to write about that today since I think it requires an answer for many. However, I did promise I was going to continue with memory and aging this week so I shall honour that. However, I will have to remind myself that the above mentioned comes up quite a bit and so maybe I shall record it so that people if not happy with me not able to provide a figure considering that people are different etc…..I will make sense of it here. So back to today. I said I would tell you about Medical disorders and diseases that affect memory. I will refrain from repeating sources as you will see that in the previous blog. Many of you may be familiar with dementia which can be caused by various diseases including Alzheimer, vascular disease such as multiple stokes and Lewy body disease. Thyroid problems become more common with aging and that can cause memory difficulties. Treatment with thyroid medication can improve memory but may not bring it back completely (p 12, Memory and Aging program, refer to previous blog). Anxiety or depression may cause difficulty concentrating. Hormonal changes may also affect memory changes. Medication for medical problems can cause memory problems especially those treating depression, anxiety, high pressure, allergies and epilepsy. Though there are claims that certain medication can improve memory, “To date, there is no convincing evidence that these medications are helpful for healthy adults experiencing normal age-realted memory change.”p 13 What does affect your memory is diet. What can you do to improve your eating habits? Are you getting adequate vitamins and minerals? Follow the Canada’s food guide at www.hc-sc.gc.ca Exercise is also important and is associated with the growth of new brain cells in your hippocampus. Evidence to date also depicts that the greater your cognitive engagement, the greater your memory function. Activities such as reading “challenging books”, crossword puzzles, playing chess or bridge, attending lectures, going to the theatre, singing in the choir and playing a musical instrument is an example of this. Frequency (more than once a day) and variety is important as well(pp 14-18). I enjoyed this program. I was actually surprised at how much I actually use my brain everyday but was not surprised at how much I need to get serious regarding exercising and eating better. Since becoming a vegetarian I realize I have been eating too much processed foods. It is easy to buy veggie made products. So I have decided to see a dietitian. Yes siree. I also do not exercise sufficiently which is because I spend so much time reading and sitting. I don’t think my clients would appreciate me standing and dancing as I am working with them. However, I also am quite aware that I manage my time and I can incorporate what I advise. Balance in life is my motto with lots of fun thrown in. I did sign up for the theatre which I love. After leaving my health club because of their ridiculous rule about a faster swimmer being able to kick out a swimmer from a lane if they can swim faster still, and telling me that all of Toronto incorporates this, I have not seriously looked for another. They also have a community centre really close to me however they do not have showers. Personally, I don’t think it should be legal to have gym facilities without showers. I think that is a hygiene concern. So, it looks like I have to consider outside my community or simply dance and dance and dance. How active are you? Do you use your brain? Do you enjoy photography? That counts. Get your camera and go out there! There are so many ways to learn new things and I suppose reading this counts for one thing today which is not enough, especially if you already know all this. If you have any questions please feel free to ask. What do you think?

Memory and Aging

I had a total of 10 hour participation refreshing my memory on aging and memory at York University, Neurology Psychology department at BSB. I studied most of this in my undergrad within one lecture. However we never actually participated in anything we studied. It was all theory. I cannot talk about what we shared due to confidentiality which is too bad so sad because all was interesting. So I will stick to the facts which mainly is composed from our handout book, “A Practical Guide to Managing your Memory Memory and Aging” by Dr Angela Troyer in collaboration with others and the profs. We were informed that 2% of persons 65-74 have dementia; 11% from the 75-84 group. “Only 8% of Canadians 65 and older have dementia” (p 12). In earlier blogs I have written about memory and aging and I suggest you look that up because it is in detail from my undergrad notes. But I will keep this simple for a basic understanding. It was simple in the way it was explained to us which is a pleasant change since it stuck to my brain. I still remember that 5 Nov is when we move our clocks back and 2/3 of the population have never seen snow. Do I need to know that? There are three processes to memory which is encoding - getting information into memory. The second is Storage - keeping the information in memory and the last - Retrieval which is getting the information back out of memory when it is needed (p6). Difficulties in any of these three areas will interfere with memory. If you are not paying attention or distracted you may not be able to encode. If you used to know something and don’t anymore such as a password this is where storage is. Retrieval problems occur when you want to use a word you know but cannot retrieve it right away. Storage is affected the least by aging; retrieval the most (p7). to be continued next week. Sorry for the delays but it is summer and I have to get out there. Do you feel your memory has decreased? What have you done about it? Next week I will continue by briefly listing the medical disorders and diseases in association with memory. What do you think?

Starting Group Therapy list - update

Well it has been beautiful and with the nicer weather I like being out more. Last weekend I took advantage of Doors Open Toronto. We actually have a tv that belonged to Elvis Presley and one to Marilyn Monroe at Zoomers Radio and Tv museum. They also gave out free ice-cream and I do recommend a visit there. They offer daily tours at about 4pm, but I would check before going there. I did not get a tour because it would have meant waiting for an extra hour and I had already seen everything else. I was also at Scarborough water treatment plant and they told me that the water in Toronto is one of the cleanest. I believe it. Then I was out at the West end visiting a historical house. It was a fun weekend. I have one more two hour talk to listen to about aging and memory at York University and will like to write about that for you next week unless something more interesting comes around. I like going to York and love bumping into people I know. It never fails. I have been asked over and over again by different organizations and people if I could charge almost next to nothing and I simply cannot. My expenses are over the top and I keep myself educated, etc....... However, what I can do is begin group therapies for people who are interested in that. I suggest that anyone interested should either phone me or email me directly and let me know if they want to be on a list for group therapy. Also let me know if you are ok with being in a general group or being in a specific group. Of course I also need a list of dates and times availablity. I am willing to begin with three people and then grow to no more than six. It may be surpising how close you may become in groups. So let me know if you are interested. Sessions would be weekly for two months at a time. Everyone needs to compile the standard paperwork and what is shared in group needs to be kept confidential. I wish you all a lovely weekend. Go outside and get some sun and play. What do you think?