Thoughts of the Week

This morning I was watching the news and I read that President Biden had lashed out at some committee for questioning him about his son, who had died, in relation to probing Biden's memory. Then I saw something on Facebook with some post questioning Biden's memory. We are in the age of nothing is like it seems especially on Face book, so I disregard most of what I read on social media. I do not discount the news. My first impression of what I heard and read on my television about the President, is who are these people? Why would anyone think that they can question this man in such a manner. Just this week I attended a funeral service. It was here in Canada but the deceased had one daughter who served in the the U.S.A. military and a husband suffering very much after more than 30 years with his beloved wife. After, we all attended a marvoulous buffet. A person sitting next to me said that there is no greater suffering than the death of a spouse. I corrected the person. Nothing is worse than a parent suffering the death of a child. So, when I heard of this interrogation of a man, let alone the President, my first thoughts were this is unethical, uncalled for and cruel. So, later when the President lashed out saying how dare they, I agreed. There are tests available to determine the mental health and memory of a person. It is becoming tiresome, listening to politicians talk about what they know nothing about. It is not only politicians annoying me. Bell Canada which is not Canadian, the last time I checked is laying off many people. This isn't the first time they have done that. They own the news station as well, CP 24. They are eliminating many positions and one government called them out. They said that they have to do this because they are losing money. The politician said they are making millions or billions. I believe it was the latter. Don't forget that the objective now is to make trillions which is about ten years away. So, more people will have no work because of greed. Also, this week some councellor in Pickering which is about a half hour drive outside Toronto was questioning Black History Month. She thinks it should be eliminated or changed to History month. The Mayor has questioned this as hate and is furious. The province is changing what it is going to teach. It wants to start teaching about the Holocaust and also about the contribution of what the Black community has brought to Canada. I would go further than that and think it should be contributions globally and the suffering. What I don't understand is that I learned all this in grade school. I was a child and remember learning about how horrible all this was. Why did they stop? Why do we have such an ignorant society? During the attack and kidnapping of Israeli's by Hamas there was controversy about what a politician with the Provincial NDP party wrote on social media - Anti semitism was obvious. She was called on it, silenced and given the boot. I agreed with the results. When the Terrorists (such worms)kidnapped and killed so many innocents and sent video's to their parents so they could watch them die, I wondered how anyone could think that it is ok. It is not. I also thought, they picked on the wrong country and knew so many innocent people would die. That is a big problem. Innocents, especially children die needlessly. What we are killing are children who will never have the opportunity to be the next Einstein, doctor, parent etc....We are killing needlessly. Then we have Russian, again a canidate has recently been rejected in Russia as a candidate because he wants to stop the war. I won't even talk about China or North Korea, or Iran and all these terrorists sponsored of course from nasty leaders. Then I heard on the news how we as a planet have reached the 1.5 threshold of global warming. Again, leaders have failed and this time, unless something changes drastically, our planet will retaliate. Someone some time ago told me that I think everyone is stupid. I do not. Nor, do I think intelligence is most important. Give me the choice to converse with someone who is kind or a genius, I choose kindness. However, when I see the greed, need for power and the manipulation of people for self fullfilling drives, that is not in the best interest of the world, I may give that impression. My dream is of peace. We should all be working together to achieve that. We should unite and instead of making weapons, we should be working on saving this lovely planet. We need to take better care of each other and stop all this hatred that I am seeing all too often. It has been positive in my work and private life. I am so happy with my book "Ominous". I see people healing all the time. Mr Attitude keeps me laughing. So, what am I going to do this weekend? I am going for a massage, going to get my hair done, have a nice meal, finish reading a good book and enjoy my life. Why not be nice to at least one person this week whom you normally find annoying. What do you think? Have a great weekend.

Sibling Therapy - by Dr Karen Lewis - notes

This was an hour and a half interactive talk about sibling therapy by Dr Karen Lewis held by the Ontario Association of Couple and Family Therapy. Would I recommend her? Yes. She has over 50 years of experience and anyone in this line of work for that long should get an award. (speaking of awards, what did you think of the Grammy’s?) Dr Lewis is very amiable. She has a book entitled Sibling Therapy: The Ghost from Childhood that haunt your client’s love and work. I have to make a point of reading it. She is an International speaker and delightful. She has been inundated with referrals and wants more people to work with siblings. She needs more people to be doing this. For this talk she wanted to discuss no more than two siblings because she feels it is too complicated with more for the time we had. She has worked with up to 10 siblings (I have worked with about a maximum of 6 and sometimes with a parent or two). She indicated that the ghosts- the holidays and the images of children from childhood never age. This effects how siblings perceive each other as children which can be negative or positive. Eg. Brother, five years of age and sister, three years of age. Client can see a hand or something and react to the brother as when they were young. On the other hand if a brother is on a pedestal, there is only one way to go. She is not seeing her sibling as he is now. This is not fair to him or her. We were watching slides where as a youth an older brother has his hand on his sisters shoulder. This will be remembered even when the sister is 80 or 90. When the brother is seen as mean, this will also be remembered. Parents assign the roll of the child. This may be as the trouble maker, the good and bad child, funny or protector, the lazy one. There is nothing wrong with roles unless it becomes crystallized. Sometimes parents do this for the best of intentions. Eg. Playing hockey - the parent urges the child who isn’t as good as the sibling to try something else. The message is competition is not good. Females with eating disorders - If competition is not allowed than one goes underground. Usually with two sisters, one doesn’t know she is being competed against. For example one sister may be smart, the other thinks, I may not be smart, but I can be thinner. This leads to polar opposites. Dr Lewis asked us how many remembered Jimmy Carter’s brother. Jimmy Carter was President, the good boy, smart and successful. His brother - an alcoholic. Has gone down. This is common among actors. Sarah was an incredible choreographer. She kept going to auditions, was successful but always quit. As the younger sister, it was determined that she couldn’t be successful if her older sister wasn’t. The more one held herself back, the other did as well. Healthy loyalty is not bad. Then there is unhealthy loyalty. It involves accepting parents rules, roles and expectations, often passed down generations. She has seen it traced back to five generations. Maintaining unhealthy loyalty is unconscious. There were two children who fought a lot. “I was the golden boy; I had great friends and became a failure at 12 th grade.” What was the sister like? She was terrible. When he started being a failure, she got better. She diagnosed him with unhealthy loyalty. (I don’t believe that is a disorder with the DSM, but a good assessment with this kind of language). After three sessions, the brother was able to see it. These feelings got transferred into people in their lives. Siblings are the first peer relationships, the first marriage. Childhood can be a laboratory for how children relate - learn or didn’t learn to co-operate to move from one loving and fighting. It is also a time to learn when to exert power and when to withdraw. Manipulation, tattle telling, that is what we learn as a child and pull it up, what we learned and didn’t learn with a spouse. It can lead to sibling transference in love relationships. Her own brother had a particular look when he was mad. She went somewhere and knocked on the door. The man who came to the door had that same look, that made her scared. This pattern can be broken. Assessing for a sibling connection. - Is stuck in a unhealthy role in one or more relationships or has a pattern of unhealthy connections. Is having marital problems, keeps losing a job, being fired, quiting, difficulty with co workers, has few friends or dysfunctional and feels isolated. If as a therapist you are stuck, talk about siblings. What would your sibling do in this situation? How is your sibling’s marriage? Who makes the most money and has the most prestige? Twins - younger or older? Always called the twins. ADD maybe not identified and has nothing to do with sibling. That is all for this portion. I looked up Dr Lewis’ book and it sells for about $40+ for hardcover but it is about half price for an ebook. I prefer holding books in my hands. I do think her book is worth reading and will probably do so myself. If you have been reading my blogs, you would have remembered a Psychologist, now living in Italy. He said he would love to bring the entire family in for sessions and I am the same. I have seen the dynamics so different if it is therapy for one person, for a couple, for siblings and siblings with parents, etc….This is why I will not go to court. I don’t think we get the entire picture because it is so systemic. When I talk more about the Men’s Conference, there will be some attitude from at least one lawyer regarding what he thinks about therapists. I understand, the therapist is not supporting what you want to hear in support of your client. I shall wait until, it comes up to add more. For now, even though the book may be considered expensive for about 230 pages or so, it may help you understand your sibling(s). I find this work very fulfilling and satisfying. When you see people struggle in such unhealthy ways without realizing why, and you get them to step away from themselves, it is quite rewarding. Again, I want to add that any errors here are not that of Dr Lewis, but myself. I have big shoulders. Take care.

TGIF

For those who do not know what TGIF means, it is "Thank God It's Friday". This trying to balance everything is causing me more work. Having fun is important, focusing on my continuing education is imperative, therefore important, seeing clients of course is my priority and therefore important, my seminars with the Sisters of Crime is of interest and therefore important, and now there is the Crime writers of Canada and The Independant writers also of interest. This week I had too much interests. One night I went to bed at 830 pm and slept an entire 10 hours. I never do that. Maybe less party hardy, can't drop the gym, so I am going to slow down just a tad. There is a backyard and homeshow in Mississauga which I considered, however, I am going to pass and wait til the Homeshow comes to Toronto. I have found the Home Show in Toronto somewhat boring the last two years but now that COVID appears to be under control, I am hoping for a comeback of more vendors and exciting events. I actually had a thought of going as a vendor myself, but decided it is too expensive. Today I have an interesting 1.5 hour of siblings' seminar. I just received the slides and know it will be great. The slides I won't be sharing with you because first, I don't think I will have permission to do so and second, it is only the sub topics which will be discussed. However, of course I shall share my notes as usual. My book "Ominous" is completed. I have decided the charge for each book to be $24.95. That is because my publisher uses expensive paper (the environment). Then there is the continuous rise in transportation fees etc.....But, it was my brain that thought it up, I wrote it all by myself without any help from IT. So, I am worth it. I don't know what the cover looks like at this moment, but I am never disappointed. Book Covers are important and some will buy books because of the enticing covers. I think I sell well at shows is because of my charm. I have to catch up on a few things so I won't get to talk to you until Tuesday. Have a good weekend.

Suicide Thoughts and tid bits of my hobby - writing

I think I am going to start with Suicide Ideation. I attended a one hour lecture yesterday for my education hours. As you know I exceed what I require and attend anything new, when I think I need a refresher, or anything interesting. I have attended quite a few about suicide ideation because it is a serious problem and my job is to give people hope to stay alive. I am glad that our government has been listening to us who are opposed to MAID for the mentally ill, at least they are delaying. When it is easier to just assist people to die, than to actually provide the support needed, it makes one wonder. I will be getting the video probably next week and post it. Though it is meant for therapists, I believe it is very beneficial for everyone to be aware of. One of the things I was taught while a grad, was to have a client sign a contract that while in therapy, they will not commit suicide. For the first few years as a therapist it was almost a fear that if I did something wrong, it would cause the death of my client. After years as a therapist, I recognize that I am only human, I can do the best I can with a combination of my education and experiences but I cannot control the fate of others. I can only do my best. I was always told that I worked too hard and needed to detach myself more. I think I have done that, but it may have more to do that no one in my care actually died. However, I also know that can change. I stopped asking clients to sign contracts because part of my learning is from my clients themselves. It was when I was asked if I really thought that my contract would have stopped her/him from committing suicide. The one thing I do not ever want to do is insult a client. I have stopped with the contracts. What I do is try to determine if there is a plan and if the person is in danger. By law, I would have to report it. However, I have to believe it. I have heard from people who had blurted out to unqualified counsellors that perhaps they should kill themselves after being forced to watch war movies for a reaction as an example and have their careers ruined. In Ontario we are all registered and if one is not registered than that person cannot be a therapist. There are fines for that. I have found that many with suicide thoughts do not share those thoughts until they have come to therapy. What I try to do is have them share what they are going through with a parent if they are young or with a spouse etc...If you are reading this and you have suicide thoughts, you are definitely not alone. Tell someone. I also encourage support groups. Unfortunately, I have not found support groups for persons in Toronto specifically designed for the person suffering from suicide thoughts. I was surprised to find one for family, with MAID advertized as well. Obviously I would never recommend such a facility. My objective is to keep people alive and by doing that, it is to re-ignite or find hope, a purpose to live. We are not meant to live in isolation and need others. People live with so much burden, guilt, secrets etc.....This is why I work directly with the client and do not share any information with any organization. It is no one's business even if they are paying for it. This may apply to the government, Veteran Affairs etc.....As a therapist it is my obligation to protect the client and report only when I am obligated to report and that is with the client's knowledge. We still need work there to stop organizations getting information and use payment for therapy as a crutch, rather than an aid for clients. Insurance companies are beginning to get it. Others are not. It is duress when to pay for therapy, you ask the client to sign in agreement that info will be shared to them. That is why I have clients submitting claims themselves. I also know that people will not talk freely if they know that information will go elsewhere. Of course there is more involved than what I am talking about right now. Canada has also recently provided a Suicide Prevention number "988", where you can call or text. Why not take that first step in getting help for yourself? Friday I will be attending another lecture about siblings. This is from the Ontario Association of Family Therapy. Last night I listened to a talk from the Alliance of Independent Writers. One man there has written about 250 books. That is amazing to me and I will definitely be looking him up. So, once again I have lots to catch up with. Take care for now. Next topic will be light - my hobby.

From the Men’s Conference: Increasing Challenges with High Conflict Separations by Dr Rachel Birnbaum, King’s University College, at Western Canada. Notes

This was the first session of the second day. It began with a talk about children deserving a relationship with both parents. High conflict family - How to get evidence going to court more without a lawyer and different for children not having relationships with both? The high conflict family is characterized as litigious, exhibiting poor communication and having poor problem solving skills and in some cases by violence. It is pathology driven. Ontario is blessed with a lot of services. However, in some places, in Ontario, there are no services, in Alberta; out East. Children don’t want parents fighting. They want them to get along. There are challenges in the court system - a blind instrument. In Toronto there has been a request for a unified court for years, so people don’t have to tell their stories over and over again. We were shown a video of a child asking her mom not be high. The child wants everyone to smile. “My heart is empty. If we live in a world that is mean, everyone will be a monster. I’m trying not to be mean.” The child wants everyone to be as nice as possible. In 2015, 10% of child protection cases involve a custody dispute. Research on rates of intentional false allegations in custody and access disputes range from 4% to 23%. Divorce causes stress for all children. Judge wants therapists - less therapists willing to do it (I am one of them) and less doing it with competence. There is conflict within hospitals of parents arguing over surgery or not and of options for their children. Laws being changed to put children first and must be heard. Ref: The Voice of Child is increasing. Birnbaum R and Baln. (2022) High Conflict Parenting Cases and the Role of State - funded agencies in Ontario. Challenges, Perpetual Crises and Lack of Support - pictures. Any error listed would be my own and not of Dr Birbaum.

Have a good weekend people!

I was going to post about one of the talks from the Men's Conference, but decided that I didn't want to leave you with that, so I posted from my Sinai tour and included a photograph. I have many albums of photographs of my travels. I haven't placed them in my books but am doing the same as my papers, scanning them and then in the garbage they go. My Veteran buddies have informed me that I should not do that but give them to our school. The photo I just posted, I don't think our school would want. So, why not post them here for you so you don't have to see the same book cover, over and over again. My veteran buddies have informed me that I am destroying memories. I don't look at it that way. My memories are in the crevices of my brain. However, I have listened and am keeping the most cherished. I will give some up to the school and others with people in them to those people if I know where they are. I do hope you enjoy them. This weekend I am attending another Sisters of Crime event about books. I am also attending a party, hardy, "winter blues event". For those of you who do have a seasonal sadness, go find yourselves one of those lamps which provides artificial sunlight. You should be able to find it at Costco. I woke up feeling like I want to read a book for pleasure, so I am going to find some time for that. Remember to try to keep balance in your life. Work is important but so is family, friends and time for fun. We are not meant to be in isolation. We need others in our lives but make sure they are a positive influence. So, for now, rest up and recharge. "Ominous" will be available shortly and then I shall begin my next book. A teaser will be at the back of "Ominous". What do you think?

For Love Of Country Military Policewoman - Middle East Continues (Photo just off Base shown) www.silvaredigonda.ca/amazon

One of the American military police gave me roses for no special occasion. He had been on assignment where he could buy roses and he did. I kept those roses for my entire tour of duty. I would just love looking at them and as they withered and died I could not bring myself to throw them out. For the first two years after returning home from the Middle East, I would constantly have fresh flowers in my home. To this day, I love flowers and have them inside and outside of my home. Red roses have always been my favourite and those red roses my American colleague gave me were cherished for a very long time. Excerpt From: Silva Redigonda. “For love of country : military policewoman.