Donation requests galore - Don’t feel pressured to give. Learn to say no and discern.

Recently when receiving requests for a donation blitz from a church, a woman turned to me exasperated. “I already gave “ “ this year. Does this mean I have to give more in addition?” “No, you gave a lot I responded”. This did not pacify her as she was struggling with emotions of indecision. “There is the Sick Kids and the refugees, I want to help.” My response, “It is at times forgotten that Jesus was born in a stable.” I understand how difficult it is to say no. After years of studying and costly internships, I still felt sorry for people who could not afford therapy. There is no course for how to say no. There was a seminar I attended where a physician from another country, now a life coach type here in Canada penetrated what my own counsellor had been trying to get into my thick head in my years of study. “You need to charge what you should be charging”. My response, “I need my hours.” I was often approached by people who were quite well off wanting to see me because I needed hours. After my mandatory 1500 hrs and fully qualified to do what I do, I had to learn to say no. It is easy for me to say no to anything, except helping people because that is what I have been doing for a life time. However, I was always paid by an institution. My mother who taught me so much in life, once said, “You make money from the suffering of others.” My automatic response was, “So do physicians.” Her reply, “That is true.” So, though it was a long process I finally learned to say no. There are lots of services out there that are free to people who cannot afford it or do not have insurance. I am using myself as an example here. We live in a country where we are encouraged to help each other and that is a good thing. We also give donations when we ourselves may be in dire need. I have heard so many times of a student struggling with tuition still stopping to help someone on the streets. I do not give money to anyone on the streets but I will buy them a meal or give them food. I do not donate 2.00 at the grocery store when requested because I want my own donation receipts. Do corporations claim our money as theirs? I don’t know. Neither can the cashier tell me. I do at times buy bag of foods for the food bank at the same grocery stores. I do not give money when someone knocks on my door, however I do ask for brochures to examine and was just recently informed that they had none to save costs. I was suspicious and perhaps you should be too if people cannot prove who they claim to be. I think it is wonderful when people give of themselves and as Canadians I think we do our best. So please, if you want to give to a hospital or the refugees, or a church or a university do so. However, if you don’t for any reason why not take some time to discern why you feel anxious or distressed rather than good about giving? Jesus being born in a stable tells us a lot. Yet how many hear? I have learned to direct people to those who can at no fee or on a sliding scale of their affordability. Here in Toronto if you have no insurance and you are low income there are many resources for you. The Catholic Church is having a Family Planning blitz. Muslims are expected to donate 10% of their income to charity etc……….What have you done for someone else? I am often told by a friend of mine who is a practising Jew, “Charity begins at home.” She is so right and she donates to many good causes. Remember that even if you are poor there is something you can do. You can donate your own time, or you can be kind to someone and kindness goes a long way. So please do not feel bad this Christmas if you cannot keep giving. Remember that Jesus and his family were very poor and 2000 years later people still believe, so practise what he taught, was the most important, not money but the giving of self to others. This can be done in so many ways. What do you think?

A woman is killed by her partner every six days in Canada

“A woman is killed every six days by her partner in Canada.” That is the statement that popped out and stuck with me, after watching the nightly news. They were speaking about the killings of the women students in the Engineering department in Montreal so many years ago. Have times changed? If one woman is being killed every sixth day, than maybe not. I wasn’t going to write about this. I was going to write about my fun day at Niagara Falls and complain of course about their tourist tax. However, the above mentioned statement would not leave my brain so I shall write about abuse instead. As many of you know, if you looked at my web site, I worked for one year as an intern, at a women’s counselling centre with women who had suffered physical, emotional, financial and sexual abuse. I have also dealt with abuse in my previous two careers. I have written about the “Honeymoon Effect” in a previous blog which explains how people who are in abusive relationships stay there. I myself in the past could not understand why women would stay in abusive relationships but the “Honeymoon Effect” explains that. It is not only the man who abuses the woman. Abuse is among gay couples. Women also abuse men. Sometimes one person thinks that he or she is the abuser and is surprised to discover that it is actually he or she who is the abuser. There are times that there is no confusion who the abuser is. There are times also in couple therapy that one who is the abuser is looking for ammunition so to speak for court. There is no real sincere effort on working on the relationship from the abuser’s angle. There is a pretence and narcissistic nature I usually see in the face of the abuser, who attempts to manipulate the therapist to take sides for court action usually looking for support to have custody of children. I would highly recommend not coming to see me if that is the objective. Abusers control, manipulate and try to isolate who they are abusing. I will be referring to the abuser as he and the victim/survivor as she for the purpose of simplicity in writing this. Simple is not what this topic is about and not all men are abusers. My interest has always been primarily in helping men, mainly because I have been very fortunate to have had great men in my life. I have a low tolerance or should I say 0 tolerance for any kind of abuse. It is not ok to physically hit anyone. It is not ok to try force sex or to try to convince someone to have sex. It is not ok to yell at someone or to impose your own views and ignore your partner’s. It is not ok to be abusive to your children or in their presence be abusive, because then the abuse is spreading to them. This requires to be reported to the authority. Because clients know there is a duty to report because we tell them, than perhaps abuse is not being reported. Then how do they get the help they need? Sometimes one reports that she is being abused when this is not the case. Sometimes a man is embarrassed that he is being abused by a woman and so he does not get the help he needs. Sometimes a woman is being abused and she does not know that she is being abused. Sometimes she has grown up in an abusive home with an abusive parent and she thinks that abuse is normal. Pay attention: It is not! Relationships need to be balanced. There are countries where in patriarchal societies, men are in control. They believe that because they have a penis, than they are the “man” who controls. Women raised with this domination believe that is life. They internalize the society’s norm. They teach their women that this is how a woman should be - subservient. When a woman objects than she is the one who is ostracized and punished. Now remove this woman from this exposure and she sees that there is another way to live. She can be free. How does she obtain freedom if she depends on her husband for finances? I am quite aware that people who come to Canada find ways of hiding their true financial worth and try to control their wives to obey by prohibiting them a means of supporting themselves. I am quite aware that this is happening every day with people born and raised and educated here. It is all about control but you have one advantage. You live in Canada and you have a choice. I attended a three day sexual assault conference for my previous career in Sudbury which was very enlightening. We learned how to co-ordinate a program to help people who had been abused to seek help. We learned how to have a program where we could provide information by inviting guest speakers etc……If you are ever interested in such a program or a one or two day seminar let me know. I would need 30 people to get this off the road but there would be a financial cost. What I learned from this course is how important the first speaker is and we definitely had an important speaker. This brave woman was sexually abused by her father and her brother from a young age. Her mother ignored it and did not believe her. When she went to the authorities and reported this she was disowned by her family. They tried to make it look as if she did something wrong. I am always amazed and in awe of people who demonstrate such courage. She made one comment that struck me and I would advise all people who work with women reporting abuse to take note. She said that why she felt so comfortable with the policewoman who took her report was that she not once looked at her watch. I did talk to the policewoman afterwards and asked her about this. It was not a conscience effort. So remember this because for this one survivor, this made all the difference in her reporting such agony of abuse. There is a misconception that abusers are easily visible, that you can look at them and know. The abuser can charm the pants off of you. The abuser can be beautiful to look at, educated, successful etc……..Look at who you think is the model family and there is an image of what? Simply put you do not know who people are really like unless you walk in their shoes. There are situations that are so bad, the abused person doesn’t know what to do. Sometimes they are afraid that the abuser will kill them. Abusers try to control, to intimidate and they do this by inducing fear. Often they will hurt, torture or kill the family pet. Please, if someone is yelling at you, telling you how horrible you are, if they are beating you etc…..because they tell you that, You are making them do this, it is not true. YOu may have been told that your are horrible, that you are going to be alone, that you are ugly and not worth …………….Don’t believe it. We are all born equal. We are all born fragile needing love security and protection. No one has the right to try to control you and certainly no one owns you. Children are not the property of their parents and need to be protected. If you are being abused, report it and leave. There are laws to protect you. Abuse escalates, violence escalates. Anyone can be abused so do not let that embarrass or shame you. Anyone can be an abuser, regardless of his station in life. Do not be afraid to report abuse to the police. Do not be afraid to leave your abusive partner. He does not really have power over you. You are your own person and remember you live in a country that takes this very seriously. Why not this Christmas take a step? Why not this Christmas enjoy a taste of freedom, a taste of goodness, a chance for a new beginning? What do you think? Men if you are confused about women and women do not find you attractive and you simply don’t know how to reach out to women, beware of men who are abusers and think they know how to to control woman and teach you how. If you really want to know about women and overcome your discomfort see someone who is a professional.

The aging brain - Sorry missed some notes yesterday so have added it here. This was the beginning of the lecture. My grey cells are aging - sosorry.

Professor Shayna Rosenbaum began that as we age there is disproportionate volume loss in some brain areas. There is reduced communication between neurons - white matter integrity-neurotransmitters - reduced blood flow due to narrowing of arteries, increased damage of free radicals and inflammation. Also, I did not add at the end that the brain adapts and there is growth of new cells. Sorry.

A day at York University - Our aging brain, the universe, but not without a stop at a donut shop and stereotyping

Saturday I went to York University for what they call “The York Circle” Lecture and Lunch Series. They had a lecture, “As times goes by: How memory and decision-making change with age by Shayna Rosenbaum. I wanted to see if there had been any updates since my psychology courses regarding aging and human development. There was another lecture that peeked my interest, “Structure in the near universe and its relevance” by Marshall McCall. I have always been interested in science which I dropped in grade 11 because I refused to dissect a frog. At that time you needed to dissect the frog before continuing with science. How ridiculous and I do hope that it has changed with more enlightenment. Anyway, getting back to the day, I was quite excited. I would be able to claim one hour of my 40 hrs requirement for the college, I would return to a class room at York which I had not in some time and I would be able to see colleagues and old classmates. My first stop was Tim Horton’s near Keele and Finch. I was not prepared for the lineup so early on a Saturday morning. However, I always give myself lots of time. Standing in line just in front of me, I noticed a male slightly taller than myself, wearing a hoodie with what appeared to look like asian letters on his neck. Slightly above the clusters of symbols, there were the figures 4 1 6 tattooed in bold, each letter sitting royally one above the other. My first thought was that in Toronto we have over 5000 gang members. I looked at this man, who had not noticed me and it was probably a good idea that he hadn’t, but the numbers were crying out at me, so I couldn’t help myself and blurted, “what does the 416 mean?” He turned to look at me and said that it was the area code for Toronto. I began to laugh and said that if they ever found him anywhere, they could trace him back home. He gave me the biggest smile and exclaimed. “I love Toronto.” This tough looking guy was a big pussy cat who loves his city. I know you can never judge a book by its cover (except mine it appears). However, I must admit I was pleasantly surprised. I talk to everyone unless I do see that they are delusional and unfortunately there are more than I like to see on the streets when they should be taken care of but that is another story. He bought his drinks and nodded at me as he was leaving. I was still smiling and nodded back. It set the mood for the day. I dropped off the donuts to some previous colleagues who I had not seen in some time. I would return after the lectures to catch up with news. I found the Life Science Building close to the gym building, taking in all the changes. I cannot keep up with the growth of York University. It is new and grand and beautiful but I must admit that I like the older grand structures of the University of Toronto. When you sit in an old building, you are sitting where so many have before you……..awe nice. Anyhow, I received my name tag, and I picked up some flyers, a pen and a small folder which opened into a writing pad. I also took the two York pins they had. Naturally I went for a nose dive to the coffee urns and noticed that breakfast were tiny muffins. Why not? I looked around me to see if there were any alumni around who I knew. There were none. I wondered where they all went to and what careers they now had. I had re-arranged my schedule to be able to attend this. Eventually I met a woman who is an accountant and her husband and aunt I believe. She was very excited about the lectures telling me she has been going for five years. “Really?” I asked, thinking that this was new. I was surprised that she never went to York and she explained that she had received the information in the mail. York does this for the community as well. “Have they ever asked for money?” I ask suspiciously since I am always asked for money from my homes of education. I thought that this is a great marketing objective. “Only once they asked us to pay for lunch.” she responded. “Only once” she repeated. “Really?” I responded thinking that buying your own lunch does not count. She told me how much she learns at these lectures especially by the questions that people ask. I was surprised about that. Soon the first lecture was beginning and it was purely for pleasure - astronomy. I sat at the front centre as I always do to focus and to stay awake. I had no problem with Marshall McCall. He reminded my of my grade 10 or 11 teacher who taught me how easy Math can be when someone knows how to teach it. She had written high school texts on math and she had that ability to simplify it so that a math idiot like me could understand. I received my highest grade in math that year and I owe it to her. Too bad she didn’t teach the other grades. Prof McCall was explaining the concept of distance so our little minds could understand and he was wonderful at it. Did you know that there are 70 galaxies that are considered small out there? Did you know that 90% or more is black matter? Did you know that the universe is expanding and accelerating as it expands? What structure is out there that we are part of? Did you know that there are more than 8000 galaxies? Did you know that there are 300 billion stars (stars are suns) and did you know that 2 1/2 % is all we know of what is out there. I could have sat there and listened to him all day. His passion for his research is astounding and then it came to me. He is good because he truly loves what he is doing. Why didn’t I have someone like him in high school? Yes, of course they do not need the same education in high school but what about passion? What about loving your students? Prof McCall also gave his students credit and that is a sign of a very secure person. Needless to say I was impressed. I have watched any and many programs regarding our universe so I was surprised by my own knowledge by watching the programs. I was not surprised that we only know 2 1/2 percent. We don’t seem to know very much about anything. I never hesitate to say “I know nothing” because in the general sense of things, I do believe we are in our infancy regarding knowledge. I was accelerated by the lecture. I was hungry for more. But, it was lunch time so I settled for food instead. Lunch was provided in little paper bags. It was a treat to see what was inside. I took the vegetarian bag and ate the main course. I gave away my tomato juice and apple (I miss eating apples since my dentist told me not to crunch on anything hard like an apple). I should slice some apples shouldn’t I? I had found a group of alumni now and it was fun. One was a financial broker and he told me that people are selling houses and leaving Toronto and then want to come back but cannot afford to. When a neighbour tells me this, I notice. When a financial broker tells me this I pay attention. This concerns me and makes me rethink going to Niagara Falls ever more. What happens if what my old professor who is almost 80 tells me going to Niagara Falls is like going to await death. What if??????? We are all exchanging information about ourselves and we are connected because we all have one thing in common - York University. One is still a student and she asks me if I have students. “No, I only have a private practice.” I respond. She beams telling me that it is a lot. We are ready for the second lecture. I am not as excited about this one perhaps because I did find aging and human development boring in undergrad. She speaks of the prefrontal cortex and hippocampus. She speaks about the decrease in volume, decrease in fluid intelligence. She speaks of crystallized intelligence (stored memory). She speaks of a decline in episodic memory. She begs the question, of how does the brain adapt to changes. Aging brains are not necessarily declining brains. Pay attention here because it gets tiresome for me to hear about how old people are and so are now on longer able to ………………………mentally. When the brain is healthy, cognitive deficits are less pronounced. Older adults who perform well on cognitive tasks produce bilateral activation, possibly compensating for changes in brain structure. How can we encourage age related compensation? Life style and environment (preventive), cognitive strategies (compensating), avoid decline of brain by the foods we eat that also can be cancerous (I’m bad - sugar), do aerobics, socialize! I am stressing socializing because I find that too many people isolate themselves. We need each other. People living alone also too frequently live in poverty (she said that). Erickson et al. 2011, PNAS. The professor reported that there is increased hippocampal volume in active adults. Engage in enjoyable tasks that demand sustained mental effort (cognitive exercise) and leads to gains like learning a new language. Hippocampus lesion studies in rats became more engaging when in a healthy and stimulus environment. She spoke of memory strategies: self reliance effect, where later both young and old remembered more. For example “fine” does it have an “e” or not; “funny” is it good or bad; “calm” does this apply to me. I was impressed that this professor gave credit to her students as well. The question period began and I left grateful that the questions were reflective of the audience not having any background. So I did not feel like I was missing anything by getting a head start to the cloak room. I stopped to talk to previous colleagues rejuvenated by the lectures. I thought that perhaps I should continue my education. It would take another five years of school. Am I prepared to do that? I downloaded the requirements for Phd and I discovered that I had already done most of the post grad myself. They require a practicum of 1900 hrs for clinical psychology but I already have 1500. And then I see it. I see what does not work for me. I would have to be prepared to leave Toronto for one year for an internship due to availability. I have my own practice. That would not work for me. My bubble is burst and I ask myself, do I really want to do that all over again? Maybe there are concessions for people who are already psychotherapists with four years of internships. At the end of reading everything, I decided that there was no way I was going to put myself through that all over again. I have responsibilities. I have a tiny family I am responsible to. So, I make my decision. No way ho say. And then I wonder……………….. I have blogs that I wrote a long time ago regarding memory and aging. So, I invite you to track them down as I do other things I have to do. One thing that I realized while I was sitting in the lecture is how I incorporate all that I wrote about regarding a health brain in my practice. I am not thinking of “healthy brain” at the time, though that is what I realize I am suggesting. I encourage people to eat well and exercise which many do. However the balance is not always there. There needs to be a balance of work and play and socializing is so important. Why not make one change in your life today? What do you think?

Borderline Personality - Psychology notes - Abnormal psychology (prior to DSM changes)

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self image and affects and marked impulsivity beginning etc… Five or more 1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: do not include suicidal or self mutilating behaviour covered in criteria 5. 2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by attenuating between extremes of idealization and devaluation (nothing in between. 3 *****identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self. 4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self damaging (eg. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) Note: do not include suicidal or self mutilating behaviour in criteria 5. 5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour gestures or threats or self mutilating behaviour (extreme anger, report of not feeling pain when cut themselves. If see lots of cuts - borderline. 6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (eg. intense episodic dysphoria [feeling rotten], irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). Story about big guy chasing a little guy around the sofa and prof says nice tie, and chasing stops. 7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. 8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (eg. frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights. 9. transient, stress related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. Brief psychotic reactions hallucinations - leave bodies. If a person tells him, he is Bratt Pitt, he would believe it. Tell him a negative and he takes it at face value - no buffer. Hard to treat. When Therapist says “what are you doing wrong?”. He stops loving her and he sees it as a threat of self and then angry at her, picks up pillow throws it across the room and leaves. Building rapport is good - when attempts to correct - he leaves. There are cognitive and behavioural approaches. Fatal Attraction with Glen Close - She cannot give it up - all borderline symptoms come through. Next Antisocial Personality Disorder

Nineteenth and 21st centuries as well as global human trafficking: A Mercy Concern (brief - Pastoral)

1. Indicate the readings you prepared for class and name two or three themes the author presented. I read Catherine McAuley in the Nineteenth and Twenty-First Centuries as well as Global Human Trafficking: A Mercy Concern. One theme is that women and children, societies most vulnerable continue to be exploited. Another theme is that the poor continue to be poor regardless of what century. This is due to exploitation. 2. Name your strongest attraction to the reading/s and why this might be so. I was attracted to the United Nations asking governments to recognize Human Trafficking and asking governments to act against it. This is because control of this problem as is any problem of such magnitude can only be controlled if it is taken seriously at government level. There rests the solution for correction otherwise it is just a bandage. 3. Name your strongest resistance to the reading/s and why this might be so. I was resistant to the Sisters of Mercy belief in living in poverty and harsh conditions. I think this because I believe that good rest, nourishment and positive stimulus allows one to think more clearly and become stronger to deal more effectively with what arises. My opinion is that poverty should be fought not joined. 4. How do your attractions and resistances challenge or affirm you as you engage in this theological reflection process? I found it very interesting that a parish priest refused to appoint a regular chaplain at a salary that could be afforded for the 60 women in the Baggot Street House. Thus Catherine McAuley had to do this herself (bandage solution). For women helping women, power is needed for substantial modifications in societies. I am resistant in women remaining in subservient positions where they can be controlled in one form or another. Only equal power within all people can solutions begin. Radical transformations in the present system is required to correct wrongs, such as poverty and exploitation. This has affirmed my reflection process.

Heart felt sympathies to Paris - Terrorism

I just want to extend my sympathies to such a beautiful city. I know some of you read my blog. You have my prayers. Nations such as ours who believe in freedom, in love, in caring for each other are sometimes targets of all that dispises that. I do believe in good and what good can accomplish. I believe that the majority of the people in the world are good and that is why evil acts stand out so much. There is no doubt in my mind that tragedies such as this, make us more aware and more prepared to find a way to stop this hatred. I know that my education has always been a focus of change through education. However, I am quite aware because of life experiences and careers, that this is not always possible. When someone has turned to hatred to the point of self destruction to kill many, when people are beheaded for helping others or reporting the news and when the innocent are targeted, than one has re-examine one's thoughts. I am aware of what trauma can do to a person. If you have been affected by this, talk about it and keep talking about it, write it down and see a professional to help you deal with this. Terrorists want to terrorize. However, I think, they fail to do this. They stir suffering and pain but what they also do is have nations unite and be stronger with awareness that something needs to be done. I even feel sorry for the terrorist because I cannot imagine how it feels to be so full of hatred and wanting to do harm. Again Paris, I have had such wonderful times in your city. My prayers will remain with you.