THE INTIMACY
OF
WOMEN
BY: Silva Redigonda
A woman’s role as a mother, friend, sister or even a lover, changes, evolves and adapts according to circumstances and time. As a woman grows older and confronts new challenges, the intimacy she shares with others may grow or eventually diminish. The Stone Diaries[1], Charlotte and Claudia Keeping In Touch[2] and Mrs V’s life history[3] illustrate and analyze the roles played by female friendships, sibling relationships, mothers, and partners. What will be demonstrated is how intimacy is expressed by sharing knowledge, secrets, joys and pain and how it changes the role of a woman as she grows older into the woman she finally becomes.
THE YOUNGER YEARS
A woman’s younger years are a time of discovery. She develops her role as a woman and is provided with the tools to grow into what she is to become. These tools are her relationships with those who are closest to her.
The text, Charlotte and Claudia Keeping in Touch depict the role of friendship between Charlotte and Claudia. Claudia reminisces as she writes to her friend Charlotte, of how much she admired Charlotte in those early years, and how confident Charlotte always was (Barfoot, pg 16). Claudia makes an important remark, “I never felt I chose you. I always believed you chose me.” (Barfoot, pg 16) She reflects how she continued this path in her later years with her partner too choosing her, “I didn’t choose Bradley, either.” (Barfoot, pg 16) Her lack of self-esteem is visible as she questions what her friend and partner saw in her that she cannot see in herself (Barfoot, pgs 14 & 16). As young women they shared intimate knowledge, Charlotte no longer a virgin, marveled at the male’s body while Claudia still a virgin listened (Barfoot, pg 35). Slowly their roles become evident, Charlotte growing confident and independent and Claudia becoming timid and seeming somewhat fragile.
The Stone Diaries explore the relationships of Daisy Goodwill. It reflects the bond established between three young women where time together and the sharing of knowledge and joys achieves. "Sometimes Daisy thinks that she and Fraidy and Beans are like one person…all the years they were at Tudor Hall…and then going off to Long College together.” (Shields, pg 109)
Daisy appears quite liberal and unabashed as she discusses her future mother-in-law’s comments with her bridesmaids and close friends, Elfreda (Fraidy) and Labina (Beans), “She means a bee-day, Elfreda Hoyt told Daisy” (Shields, pg 105) explaining what her mother-in-law had referred to when advising her in preparation for marriage. Elfreda also enlightens her two friends further regarding sex. Alfreda having traveled to Europe and experiencing two shipboard romances exclaims about the French people, “They’re much more highly sexed. They think sex is a very important part of being a woman. They’re very keen on it, very creative.” (Shields, pgs 105-106) “My goodness, you don’t think Harold would ever try-“ Daisy looks at Fraidy and then at Beans. There is a moment of solid conspiratorial silence, and then the three of them burst out laughing.” (Shields, pg 107) The discussion causes a healthy burst of laughter. “They’re always laughing, these three…(Shields, pg 107) When Daisy’s first husband dies on their honeymoon, “Daisy told her dear old trusted school friends everything – except the fact that she had sneezed just before…” (Shields, pg 125)
These three young women will remain life long friends. One must ask if it is these early years of friendship bonding which provides the strength to endure.
Mrs V explains an early life of insufficient household funds as the cause of preventing her dream to become a teacher (Mrs V, pgs 3 & 34 ). She has another dream, that of traveling (Mrs V, pg 9). Mrs V’s father died when Mrs V was only fifteen years old (Mrs V, pg 11). Mrs V reports having a “lot of friends over the years” “And as I have moved on some have been left behind…” (Mrs V, pg 16) She felt close to her younger sister in her early years (Mrs V, pg 5) and that bond has survived to this day. Mrs V reports “sharing secrets” and helping each other as indicators of those closest to her (Mrs V, pg 12). She describes how she met her husband at a dance during the war, how he went overseas and how she finds herself missing him and discovering she is falling in love with him (Mrs V, pg 12). This man becomes the most important connection in her life (Mrs V, pg 8).
Sharing knowledge, secrets, having fun together laughing and surely crying together whether it is vocalized or not is the beginning of finding the tools to self- development which is the role that is eventually defined for the woman. Mrs V readily accepts that her role as a teacher is not possible. Mrs V believes that being able to share secrets defines closeness. She shares this closeness to this day with her younger sister. Daisy’s friendship with her bridesmaids also represents an easy expression of communicating together and of being able to share all. Charlotte and Claudia early years also define their characters with Charlotte taking the lead in her role as a friend and Claudia following and grateful for her role in the relationship. Roles as friends are established. Significant others in young lives are introduced but the role as lover/mate is yet to be fully defined in these younger years.
THE MIDDLE YEARS
Intimacy changes during the middle years for women. Women find themselves in established roles as mothers, wives, friends or career women. Some are satisfied with their roles, others are not, and some do not know what their roles are. These middle years are important years for women. Women are still young enough for the flexibility of change and growth and some even have the courage to insist on happiness for themselves.
Charlotte and Claudia find themselves in mirror roles. Claudia is married with a family. “She had her house. She had her children. She was safe in several important ways. She thought it only mature to understand that there were bargains to be made, not something she could have known when she was much younger…Young girls believe in everything…By the time they’re really grown up…they realize there are some things they will simply end up settling for.” (Barfoot, pg 59) Claudia is settling for a husband who has affairs with other women in exchange for her role as a wife. Claudia becomes confident of her role as is depicted when faced by one of her husband’s mistresses. “ So, no, Miss Clarke, I won’t be leaving this house, or hunting for work, or moving into an apartment or even looking for a second husband…it’s time for you to get back to whatever you do. Whatever sort of job you have, you’d better hang onto it…you have no future with him. Whereas I, for better or for worse, do.“ (Barfoot, pg 68) This stand that Claudia takes surprises her, “She was astonished at the depths of abasement, incivility, and self-certainty involved.” (Barfoot, pg 133) Claudia has grown from displaying insecurity in her earlier days to being capable of taking a stand to protect her life and role as a wife and mother.
Charlotte is a career woman and a mistress. She finds her role as mistress unfulfilling “You can’t be full-heartedly happy when there’s really no hope. You can only have moments of joy”. (Barfoot, pg 3) How a mistress feels about her lovers’ wife is also clear, “ How jealous Charlotte was of this woman! How bitter and frightened.” (Barfoot, pg 8) Charlotte is very much aware of the significance a wife has in a love triangle, “But then, she was powerful. She did end up with Andrew.”(Barfoot, pg 8) Charlotte’s own pregnancy ends in abortion, “She supposed this was almost as intimate an experience as having a child together.” (Barfoot, pg 91) Charlotte describes the pain of having an affair, “She felt as if she went through a furnace during those ten years and became steel.” (Barfoot, pg 93)
Charlotte and Claudia’s friendship is tested when Charlotte confides about her affair with Andrew. The response displays Claudia’s love and concern for her friend, “I hope you aren’t hurt. I hope it works out.” Claudia is also concerned of how Charlotte thinks of her. Claudia reflects, “Because you know me so well, I suppose. And because I know how little you liked Bradley. It felt to me as if I’d failed you, marrying him, and then staying with him. Or that I'd made myself less than you hoped. (Barfoot, pg 13) It is Claudia who Charlotte goes to be with when her affair is over, to recover and it is Claudia who welcomes and soothes her (Barfoot, pgs 95 &96). It is Claudia who saves Charlotte in her darkest hour, “Because who knows what drastic thing she might have done, without Claudia?” (Barfoot, pg 97)
Claudia and Charlotte share the secrets in their lives and support each other even at a distance. The bond of intimacy within their friendship is strong. To middle age these women have shared their secrets, joys and now their pain.
Daisy undergoes changes in her middle years. She finds herself married and established as a wife and mother. Her husband, Barker Flett clearly wants Daisy to focus her life around his. This begins at the start of their marriage, “at this time in his life he needs all Daisy’s strong feelings for himself.” (Shields, pg 153) When Beverly, a wren visits Daisy’s household she displays another role, that of an independent woman, “She’d just come back from England where she’d been “right in the thick of things.” “(Shields, pg 176) Beverly also “laughed loudly” (Shields, pg 176) which ladies did not do. Daisy on the other hand “Deeply, fervently, sincerely desiring to be a good wife and mother,…reads every issue of Good Housekeeping…McCalls…Daisy also always keeps, “her diaphragm in position…and nine times out of ten it isn’t needed.” (Shields, pg 186) And how does Daisy feel in her role as the perfect wife? As Daisy waits for her husband and ponders about her mother’s wedding ring, ”…she lies, stranded, genderless, ageless, alone.” (pg 189). Married with a family, “These are frightening times for Mrs Flett when she feels herself anointed by loneliness, the full weight of it.” (Shields, pg 190) It is with the death of her husband that brings changes to Daisy’s life and introduces her to another role, a happier one. She now opens her house to pregnant Beverly who she had previously shun because their roles were too reversed (Shields, pgs 177, 179, & 207). Beverly represented the modern woman who threatened the typical household considered normal for the times. Daisy also begins a career that ignites her and brings her joy. A new love relationship is also starting. (Shields, pg 204-225) It appears that Daisy is happy with a career, family and new love interest. When Daisy loses her career and her boyfriend is responsible, she descends to another level, a level of despair. Worse, her boyfriend Jay, minimizes what their relationship was. (Shields, pgs 226 - 229, 253, & 254)
Daisy’s relationship with her friends changes from her younger days. That innocent pouring of thoughts and feelings seem to be missing. The laughter has been replaced with an air of seriousness. What was constant companionship has changed to corresponding, “three or four times a year…(Shields, pg 183). When Fraidy visits Daisy in Ottawa she feels that Daisy has, “a distinguished husband and a large well-managed house and three beautiful children.” (Shields, pg 184) Fraidy notices that Daisy has become “respectable” and “fat” (Shields, pg 184) Fraidy is very critical of Daisy and jealous of Daisy’s role. Fraidy appears self absorbed and very aware of her own unsatisfied life, “I’ve missed out on everything, no husband, no kids, no home really, only a dinky little apartment, not even a garden.” (Shields, pg 184). Fraidy’s envy of Daisy fails to display any sincere concern for her friend. Beans expresses genuine grief when Daisy’s second husband dies, “Our hearts ache continually for you these days.” (Shields, pg 203) Beans is in a relationship. As Daisy’s role changes from wife to career woman so does her relationship with her friends. They too are having problems. Beans’ husband has an affair (Shields, pg 214) Fraidy’s relationship with a man (Georgio) is over (Shields, pg 217). The women find themselves reuniting. Fraidy marries and exclaims in a letter to Daisy, “ Who ever thought I’d become “the little married woman” and you’d be the “career gal.” Anyway, it suits you. Beans and I are in agreement on that…”(pgs221-222). The three women eventually reach a similar stage in their lives, “Isn’t it bizarre, all of us having beaux at our age …”(Shields, pg 224) Fraidy’s apparent jealousy has diminished after she suffers her own disappointments and achieves her own desired role, that as a wife.
The relationships between the three women changes while each woman experiences her own joys and pains at a distance from each other. As the knowledge of the three experiences combine and reach a similar plateau, the three come together once again. It is discovered that no one is left unblemished from the joys and pain and secrets. The women re-unite after each has suffered her own problems, each has knowledge of the other and each continues to grow. Each woman’s role changes as the circumstances around her change.
Mrs V finds her role as wife and mother comfortable. She describes her husband as a “good provider. And he always loved his family…He was really good.” (Mrs V, pg 11) Her dream of traveling is fulfilled to her satisfaction as she and her husband tour different areas in Canada and the United States (Mrs V, pg 18). What is interesting is that these areas are of his choosing. Mrs V remarks that it is “interesting” how her relationship and their feelings for each other remained constant into their middle years (Mrs V, pg 19). Even though she was comfortable financially she could not fulfill her dream of becoming a teacher, because women did not upgrade their education in their middle years (Mrs V, pg 35).
Charlotte and Claudia are established in their roles but neither is happy. Charlotte has an unfulfilling affair with a married man and experiences the pain of an abortion with this same man. She decides to change her role by letting him go. Claudia surprises herself as she learns that she has a courageous side to herself. Challenged by one of her husband’s mistresses, she displays her own power – the power of a wife. Daisy faces many changes in her life, from single to young wife to widow, to wife to widow again, to career woman, to no career. Daisy finds herself unable to recognize what role she belongs to.
THE OLDER YEARS
Women find themselves established in their identity within their older years. They know who they are and they can reflect to moments knowing why they have become who they are. The older years bring a degree of confidence to all women. They are able to enjoy their lives, health permitting and enjoy themselves without the burden of taking care of others as is found so often flung upon women.
Mrs V is eighty-eight years old, active, healthy, and enjoying her volunteer work. Mrs V still drives her own vehicle and enjoys bowling and church events. She is a very social person who lives alone and enjoys the company of her circle of friends and family. (Mrs V, pgs 1, 3, 6 & 28) Mrs V is a widow who still misses her husband, the man who grew old with her, a man she had an excellent relationship with (Mrs V, pgs 11 & 19). Mrs V describes herself as single, who doesn’t have any male friends but has lots of female friends. (Mrs V, pg 11) How does she describe her life? “I’ve had a good happy life.” (Mrs V, pg 4) Mrs V believes she is a good person, a refection of the people who have surrounded her in her life (Mrs V, pgs 8& 9). She finds herself still missing her husband and for twelve years until her recent move to a condominium she would feel “him coming through the door.” (Mrs V, pg 19) She describes the closeness that lingered, ”For quite some time when I was living in the house, many times I felt he was sitting beside me.” (Mrs V, pg 19)
Mrs V also has a close relationship with her daughter who she feels she can discuss anything with. She claims that she doesn’t feel much older than her daughter who is fifty-one and she feels that they are getting closer “all the time”. (Mrs V, pgs 1, 25 -27)
After many years of finding herself in the role of wife and mother, Mrs V now finds herself single and void of any responsibilities. She has the time and finances to enjoy the things she wants. She also gives something back to the community by her volunteer work. She surrounds herself with a circle of female friends who share her joy of activities.
Charlotte and Claudia come together in their older years and decide to live together after each has shared their darkest secret. Charlotte confides how she has been observing her ex-lover Andrew by hiding in the bushes outside his house and Claudia confesses killing her husband after forty-seven years of marriage (Barfoot, pgs 26, 234. 250, 252, 259, 260).
Daisy’s life at seventy-two is one of ease living in a Florida condominium not far from Fraidy Hoyt. Daisy has started new hobbies since moving to Florida, playing shuffleboard and decorating headbands and bracelets (Shields, pgs 266-268). Daisy has developed a close relationship with Victoria, (Beverly’s daughter) and even takes a trip with her to the Orkney Islands where she resolves remaining issues with her father- in- law. (Shields, pgs 270, 283, 305-307).
At eight-eight years of age Daisy finds herself very sick. (Shields, pgs 309) Since her late seventies other changes occurred in her friendships. She, “lost her two dearest friends, Beans dying so suddenly, Fraidy Hoyt going senile; a terrible time.” (Shields, pg 317) But new friends can be gained, and she became friends with Lily, Myrtle and Glad. The four of them living in the same Florida condominium as Daisy (Shields, pg 317). What they also have in common is, “they are widows; they are, all of them, comfortably well off; they have aspired to no profession other than motherhood, wifehood; they love a good laught…”(Shields, pg 319) But is this exactly true? Did Daisy not aspire a career and did she not have one? How many of the others may have their own secrets not yet said? But after a full life, why not be able to laugh in comfort?
What about the intimate relationships these women had with their children? Mrs V professes a wonderful life, with a wonderful husband and a wonderful daughter. This may be very true. But how much said is unsaid? How much would Daisy, Charlotte and Claudia really tell of their lives if interviewed by someone they knew? Daisy’s children are totally surprised after Daisy’s death to discover that Daisy was married to someone else other than their father (Shields, pg 350) and they ponder if Daisy did have an affair with Jay, concluding it was unlikely (Shields, pg 354). How much did they know their mother and therefore, does intimacy alter for that reason – the lack of knowledge, the secrecy? Claudia too, not until after the death of her husband do her children come together for one weekend to share their thoughts and knowledge. This exchange enhances the relationship that she has with them. It brings them closer and more on an equal level as women. It is during this short time together where questions are asked and answered that there is a degree of sharing - of intimacy. (Shields, pgs 117-126).
CONCLUSION
Intimacy is expressed by sharing knowledge, secrets, joys and pain and it changes the role of a woman as she grows older to the woman she finally becomes. Claudia’s relationship with her daughters changes when information about her life is shared, when joys and pain are shared and clarified with her children. But secrets remain and are only shared with Charlotte who she eventually lives with. Daisy too keeps her previous marriage a secret from her children and they can only speculate why. Mrs V’s closest relationship has been with her husband. Her role as a wife was so ingrained that she could not bear to let her husband go and therefore felt his lingering presence for many years. But one thing that is shared with all these women is that in the end they are alone and they share their lives with other women and not men. They are able to enjoy their new roles by doing what they really want and having the means to do it. These women are no longer responsible for the lives of others, only themselves. This is a time where a woman is herself and able to be herself without the responsibilities of trying to please others. This is a time when a woman does not need a role to identify with. This is a time when she simply is herself – a woman.
[1]Shields, Carol. The Stone Diaries. Toronto: Random House, 1993. References taken from the text will be indicated by a page number and author’s name in brackets following the quote.
[2] Barfoot, Joan. Charlotte and Claudia Keeping in Touch. Toronto: Key Porter Books, 1994. References taken from the text will be indicated by a page number and author’s name in brackets following the quote.
[3] Mrs V. Personal Interview. 10 Feb. 2003. References taken from the interview will be indicated by the abbreviated name of the woman who was interviewed in brackets and page number of the submitted transcript following the quote.
