The Ref (1994) - Therapy Session (This was a video clip shown in a prelude of dealing with difficult couples) one swear word in it.

Writers Corner First Official corner from me to you people, all over the world. Each corner of it.

Ok, this will be my official Start of my Writer’s Corner. How many hats must I wear? Well, for now I am blogging my notes from my schooling in psychology, theology and notes from conferences. Now I am also beginning my Writers Corner. I belong to the Sisters in Crime here in Toronto and the States. I am also with Canadian Crime Writers. I have attended their meetings when I can and it is of interest. So, I shall be sharing their stuff for you as well. Here I will be speaking to people who love books, want to write and want to sell their own books. I am trying to balance my life more so I can practice what I preach. As you know I have written three books and now Ominous is completed with a short start to two others. This year I decided not to have my own booth at Word on the Street because it was simply too expensive. I also have to get a smart phone just to park at my old school grounds at the University of Toronto. Unfortunately my phone is not smart. I would hesitate to say he is stupid. He has served me well. He is loyal to me but unfortunately my loyalty as limitations in the world we live in. Just to go to York University to park I will also need a smart phone. Why can’t we just be flexible? I have never been one to keep up with the Jones. My car is on its’ last legs and I was forbidden by my car mechanic to drive it out of the city. I am forever hoping that they don’t ground it, like they did my last car. Having a nice car doesn’t work in Toronto because they (the bad guys) steal them. They just caught four so that was nice. Anyhow, back to my corner. I attended a Sisters talk by Zoom in Northern California. The sister spoke of zoom bombs which are fake emails and people. Oh, boy. One of our sisters said that when an Author’s book came out six years ago she didn’t know what to do. I am not identifying the sister because I don’t know if it is ok to share this story, so if you don’t know who the sister is then it should be ok. Now, one thing you should know is though we are called Sisters in Crime, men like it too, so they are members as well. Now Rule of 7 book promotion is - Getting your name out there. So, here I am trying to get my rule 7 of getting my name out there. I am Silva Redigonda and my books may be bought at www.silvaredigonda.ca . What is Rule 1 - 6? No clue. There may be no 1-6 rule because you see my American sister said a person needs to see it 7 times before buying it. Ok, that is all from that talk right now. If you wrote a book remember you must sound like a parrot and people need to see it 7 times before buying. So, now you can forgive me. I hope, for my little paragraphs here and there about each book works for you. That is all for today. I want you to remember the Rule of 7 book promotion. I rest my case. What do you think? Please be kind.

Effective Systemic Approaches to resolve high conflict co-parenting. Keys to success. Notes from AAMFT Conference

5% to 10% of divorces with children have conflict relationships. Contributing factors: high conflict; emotional reactivity; negative attributions; exaggeration of parental differences; excessive court filings and litigation. Common problems: Justifying actions, blaming etc… Help them in how they can be different for the children. Intervention Point: - pre separation - post separation/pre-divorce - post divorce. Children benefit from relationships with both parents. 2. Children benefit from parent cooperatively co-parenting.3. Divorce is stressful and painful for all. 4. Children have different needs during divorce than parents do. Children are resilient but we won’t know how resilient they will be for years to come. Not all children are resilient and parents need to know how they impact the other effects resiliency. First key to success: Strategery - in take process; in person meetings; phone sessions; video sessions; texts/emails; co - parenting apps. The speaker likes to do 2 hour sessions. The first is together usually. Meets with the estranged to re-establish. If received bad emails from partner: What was the intention of it? Both see themselves in the same way. Boundaries are important. Divorce is a shared responsibility. Best interest of the child. Study or have handy any custody agreements. Have a clear contract. What have they tried before, so don’t repeat. Clarify values, preferences, and choices: communication, problem pyramid all as a couple. Balloon ride/hockey team because hockey is of value to father (or either parent I am adding). If the other parent doesn’t value hockey missing a game at 11:00? Why will get out if misses a few games. What is common is bringing up the past; saying nasty things to each other. An example is he often shushes people and often interrupts. Who is responsible for the solution? Who brought up the issue? Who is upset about the problem? What exactly is the problem? It’s mom’s weekend and she can choose what she wants to do. The speaker at one time had to write up a script for them. Father would inform mom of events. Have five minutes to raise concerns. Speaker had to tell them who will take pictures, saying good-bye longer. It anything affects the child text therapist and reply. Taking concerns of the child first. Key 2. Change is constant- you have to adapt. 1. No one likes/wants to change. Our brain wants what we know. 2. People much prefer someone else to change. What can you do to do that? People won’t change unless they see the benefits of doing so. Stages of Change: conscious raising; dramatic relief; environmental re-evaluation; self and social liberation; stimulus control; counter conditioning and reinforcement management. Key 3. Balance is not difficult because it is not balanced. Women more active and involved in home life. Women are squeezed because they are expected to have a full time job and children. This patriarchal system is known. Loss and Gains: 50/50 split in custody - may feel like a loss to women because provided more with children and household. Women are doing more in the home and when men initiate the divorce it feels worse. Emotions and Grief: - loss of marital relationships; anger, hurt, resentment. - Justifying bad behaviours, fright, flight or freeze. The speaker states that it is harder for men to talk. I don’t necessarily see that in my practice. The speaker concludes for couples to share with their lawyers. I just want to add that roles may change in households and to keep that in mind. Sometimes unfinished business needs to be discussed and worked on so couples can move on from the other and work on what is best for the children. Sometimes individual therapy is required. At this moment I don’t readily have the name of the speaker but will add it in future when found. Sorry.

Hey Guy Buy Me - First book published (This was written for fun only after working with men forever) It has pictures too www.silvaredigonda.ca

Cologne - I personally like cologne on men. There are times when a man has a scent that just turns me off. There is a popular brand that smells really bad to me when some men wear it. There are others like “Obsession” that really wants me to get close and personal……..remember the pies. Of course there are women out there that who are allergic to colognes. They get headaches if you get too close, so keep that in mind. Please don’t get insulted but teeth are important too. Start brushing if you haven’t and mouthwash is good. Do floss. It is yucky to see food squished between teeth. Nice smell is good. If you can afford to get the dentist to clean your teeth do it and take her suggestions. Forget about your fear of dentists. Get over it. Why do I say her, rather than him? We’ll get to that later. I hope I don’t forget, but now is not the time.

Mattering - Psychology notes from yesterday's lecture.

Yesterday I attended a webinar lecture from York University. The speaker Prof Gordon Flett, Psychologist Professor is from the Faculty of Health. Though I believe he was there when I was a student, I never took any of his courses. The topic is The Role of Mattering in Hope, Health and Fulfillment. Prof Flett stated that Mattering is deeply felt. It satisfies the need to connect with others especially when one feels different. Mattering is an essential resource for life transitions. Morris Rossenberg created “the Mattering Construct” but passed away before he could delve deeper in this work. Mattering means feeling like you are important to others and they are paying attention to you and depend on you, that is they need you. It is being valued by having value to others. If one feels marginalized, one feels that no one cares. Mattering is about people. Fast facts: Less loneliness; better transition to on-line learning; less stress and physical “wear and tear”; Support for efficacy and mattering is one of six keys to positive youth development (Eecles & Gootmon, 2002). One in four gifted UK adolescents have low mattering. The good news of mattering is hope. It is linked with life satisfaction. It provides adolescents with greater hope and positive future orientation, motivation, greater achievement, and less problematic behaviour. (He is in the process of writing a book). You can talk about Mattering at home, at work - greater satisfaction, less job stress and burnout, less turnover from leaving the profession. Mattering in the community and Mattering to a parent. School boards (York, Durham and Niagara) will be implementing Mattering. There is a program of Mattering now being implemented for retirement groups of men and now also with the Military and Police. Dr Flett believes in a promotion to prevent youth homelessness. Promoting Mattering: 1. People by name (see me) 2. Listen actively (pay attention). 3. Give them their sense of voice (hear me). 4. Encourage them (express your belief at them, don’t cut them off) 5. Say no, set limits when needed. 6. Encourage expressing emotions and accept them. 7. Limit any messages of not mattering. Spend time with people. Anytime is quality time. Volunteer, get involved. Let them know when they have been missed. Remember things important to them by reaching out to see all is ok. Parents over estimate that their children know they matter. Too busy. Not checking in. Looking at phone when someone is talking. Share activities, Matter unconditionally. Remember when they were little, that first glimpse of the baby? - that look - keep it when seeing them. International students felt that they didn’t matter due to Racism and Stigma. Older people and adolescents need to feel mattered. Express appreciation. Google Aging Process. Coping with loss - adjustment. Parents need to feel they matter. Important for parents who feel they are no longer needed, to recognize that they are. Any errors here are my own and not that of Prof Flett. This video lecture will be posted at York University. Should you not be able to see it, please let me know and I can post it here for you. It is interesting that yesterday I also read a short article in Psychology today. It stated that one should ask what one needs from his/her partner. I utilize this very much in couple therapy, family therapy and individual therapy.

Warning about Publishers Clearing House scam

Weekly Thoughts - blah Home Show; Word On the Street - Skipping this year in all probability

It has been one of those weeks. One day it is a snow storm and the next it is sunny and of course it takes my breath away. I am sick of winter which seems to drag on mercilessly. I think I prefer cold, cold cold without the ups and downs but of course with global warming this will only continue mercilessly. I did go to the Home Show and found it was very slow without the usual booths I was looking for. Michael Pape Art Inc was there and I enjoyed talking to the Artist. His work is amazing and his love for wild life is amazing. However, I cannot afford his work and I really don't have any more space on my walls at the moment. I did buy a 50. T shirt, but funds go to support the wild life. I did find starbucks coffee and I had a delicious bagel with salmon, pimentos and the works. But, there were no flowers in bloom which I was really looking forward to. The information booth person told me that people don't want to work. I kind of find that hard to believe. Forever the skeptic. Regarding Word on the Street, I have been going every year it was open since I wrote Hey Guy Buy Me. But this year the price is crazy. I would have to take the full two days, rather than one which would cost $850.00. for just a small booth which would be half the size I had last year. The price has gotten c-r-a-z-y. I have a few faithful fans each year and I thank you so much. I haven't published my last book yet which I had been hoping to but I am doing things differently this year. I have joined different writing associations and Authors are amazing people. They share and provide tips and so I am learning more as times goes on regarding the business side of the house. I have not accepted any offers I have received because I think I can do better. However, I have not sent out as many as I should. So I am trying to focus on doing that, but I must admit I am not really interested in that part. I love to write stories but I have come to realize that there is a business side of the house. Publishers seem to being doing less and wanting more and authors are beginning to notice. Stephen King thank you for speaking out on behalf of all of us. York University Retirees are considering having an authors day and I will certainly go to that if they have it. I belong to the Sisters of Crime and if they get a booth at Word on the Street, I will certainly go and it would be free for me. I haven't been an active participant due to other obligations. It is all a work in progress as I learn and share. I want to thank all the people who have bought my books and ebooks directly from me. I appreciate it. I love meeting people at book signing opportunities and when they return I am completely in awe of the support. For now, another week has sped by and I am having difficulty using the brakes. There is so much to do in one lifetime. Have a good weekend. I am also trying to spend as much as possible with Mr Attitude because he seems to need me more, now that Holy Terror is in heaven. Just the other day I found a statue of a cat with wings at HOme Sense. It was made in China but I did it anyway. I will bring it outside in the Spring and place it near flowers. www.silvaredigonda.ca