My weekend of peace

     I find that people usually ask me what I am going to do with my weekend.  Now that I have retired twice, returned to school, wrote a book that does not sell very well, am writing another that should get people going and counsel, I don't think weekends are too important because I can claim any days of the week unless I have scheduled them as a weekend.   Have I made sense?  But, I have decided to take weekends and utilizing them as such.  Saturdays therefore will be a Saturday where I will either do chores during the day or go out, give back, and have fun.  Sunday will be my quiet day used for reading, basking in the sun or going out with no concept of work.  I have worked shift for a great part of my life and weekends were more of a chore than anything else.  I would love to go to a movie or museum or amusement park when it was much more quieter.  However, most people do have weekends where they like to celebrate.
      This Saturday, I returned to school to help with a book sale.  I greeted people as they entered my school and gave them a breakdown of the price list and categories of where the books were.  I met many interesting people and new students.  I was humbled.  One woman said she had returned to buy books several times and had accidentally bought one she had written.  Others shared what they had bought and I realized that I had missed this so much.  I missed speaking to others about books and what they were learning.  I missed the academic life.  It was fun reconnecting and some of my previous fellow students were still there.  As I got my fill of people, I wondered if I was really suited to the country.  Yes, I would love one year away to just write, but would I be able to do that in isolation?  I am a people person.  I love people and I love meeting new people and having discussions and connecting.  Do you see yourself anywhere in here?  Do you like people or try to get away from them?  Do you like to read?  What do you do with what you learn?  What situations do you thrive in?  What makes you feel stifled?
     When I returned from the sale (I bought four myself, which I don't need but want).  It was easy reading with Stephen King and Robin Cook.  The Dean of Students recommended one book and I took it.  Why not explore new authors.  Anyhow, when I returned home, I received a call from the past.  He told me he was retiring, he was going to rent a hall, have an open bar and lots of food.  He also told me he expected me there.  I assured him, if there was food I would be there.  I told him that I could not drink however, since I cannot seem to drink enough to be able to hold the alcohol.  One drink and that is enough to keep me in a haze for a few hours.  Food however, no problem.  I shared that I had turned into a vegetarian but I would eat anything else that was not meat.  He is big on meat. 
     "If you don't come.  I will hunt you down and kill you!"  I assured him I was coming and felt happy that he threatened to kill me.  He belonged to my days of political incorrectness and I was amused and enchanted because I know that what he was really saying was that it was important for him to have me at his retirement party.  This man will really be retiring! 
     "Are you going to go live in Jamaica?"  I asked.  He loved his homeland.
His family is all here and so here is where he will remain.  Besides he is a Canadian now.  He threatens to kill me again.  I laugh.
     "Make sure no one kills me at the party!"  I know that I can say that to him as easy as it is for him to tell me about my own demise, if I do not go.  I tell him I would like to sit with the old team and he assures me that I will.  I tell him I will bring him a copy of my book because he will see the humour in it.
      I realize that I miss that life which he belongs to which I left when I retired.  It seems to me that I have missed much of my past and that is because it was so good.  Yet, I love my life now.  I am in a place where I can do what I want to do and just need to weigh my options.  That is what I have done most of my life.  How did I get from my early life to where I am now?  Who formed me and shaped me?  Who am I today?  These are all questions I suggest you ask yourself. 
     I am reading a document for a book that was sent to me.  The author's are targeting a Catholic teenage audience.  Do I like the book?  Well, I am not used to targeting teens.  I am still reading it.  However, they have excellent questions and one was to write down five things that you like about yourself and five things that you would like to change.  I wrote down five things I liked about myself without effort.  When it came to five things I would like to change, I could only think about not having patience.  Then I was stuck.  I shared that with a friend of mine and she said it was good.  But it bothered me that I could not think of anything else that I would like to change about myself.  When I went to school, I saw a statue of a homeless man laying on a bench at the front of the school.  Initially, I though it was a homeless man and not a statue.  Different people who came to the book sale told me that the statue was rejected by different institutions.  "Politics" one academic summarised.  I continued to look at the "Homeless Jesus" and watched people, mostly tourists taking pictures of him.  At one point I went out for some fresh air and sat next to the homeless Jesus and rested my arm on him while drinking my coffee.  "Homeless Jesus" followed me home because I could not stop thinking of him and the next day while I was sitting in MacDonald's because I was too early for an event, a homeless woman came into the restaurant and approached me.  She asked me for money to buy a coffee and I gave her two dollars.  I don't normally give money.  I would rather buy the food so I know where the money is being spent.  She took the money and she told me that I was beautiful and then she continued to ask others for money for a donut.  She left without buying the coffee.  I wondered why I was more lenient with women than men when they were homeless.  I realized that this woman could not get employment.  I realized that there are different expectations when it comes to employment.  A man who is rugged and unkept may still get some work.  How about a woman?  Where will she work?  I kept thinking of the homeless people I encounter on the street and my experiences with them.  I remembered a homeless woman I met at a government seminar where the homeless were invited to ask about their needs.  She told me how beds were infested with bugs at the shelters she had been at and so she would not stay there.  "Could I blame her?"  She asked.  "No" I replied. 
   I remember the last person I bought a meal for was wearing running shoes with no socks and he appeared frozen while selling his homeless paper.  Him I bought a meal.  I went to my event and then went to what I thought was a community centre for the homeless.  A woman inside was not appreciating that I was asking about a homeless centre.  The man was more obliging when the woman turned away from me.  I always see a crowd of people here that appear homeless so I thought...............By searching about what I would like to change about myself I wondered about how I could make a difference  to the homeless.  Can I not give half a day a week to reach out and counsel the homeless? 
     So, it was a weekend of discovery for me.  As I went to visit my parents, I sat in silence and remembered the words of my mom.  "You make money from the misery of people."  No mom, I do not.  Thanks for inspiring me.         
     

Attended Seminar

     I love attending seminars.  I love interacting with the people I meet and catching up with previous school mates.  I saw no classmates yesterday.  Yesterday I attended a morning seminar which was relatively inexpensive and breakfast was included.  That is always a motivator.
     The speaker yesterday is a Rabbi who has experience working as a Chaplain.  She is a training supervisor as well and spoke  about a book which included a chapter she has written regarding multi faith.  There were no handouts and my notes were restricted to what I felt I needed to dwell on.  I have sufficient books regarding multi faith.
      It is no secret that I have an admiration for the Jewish community.  How can I not?  Jesus was a Jew.  Jesus was persecuted and the Jews have been persecuted forever.  What an analogy.  Why not?  Who prosecuted the Jews?  Prejudice is not spared among people from organized religions.  How many Christians persecuted and continue to do so thinking it is ok, regardless of what the institution believes in?  Selective selection perhaps of the desired religion?  For what motive? 
      Initially, while I sat and listened to the speaker, I thought I was not really learning anything and wondered if my time was wasted.  However, I was able to identify with the speaker even though I am far from being a Rabbi or any religious for that matter.  I am strictly a lay person and quite comfortable in that position.
       I perked up as she mentioned Catholics and forgiveness.  She spoke of Holocaust survivors and how there may be something else besides forgiveness.  She indicated that a Catholic student indicated that forgiving others is beneficial to the person that is forgiving.  She suggested that there may be another way, which I took to mean is not forgiveness.  As I ponder, I wonder how much of an imposition forgiveness is?  Is it practical to forgive people who literally try to eliminate you from the human race?  Is it possible to forgive those responsible who have destroyed and killed every member of your family?  I don't know.  There are so many tragedies going on all the time but the Jews have been exiled over and over again. 
     There was more that I pondered on which I will turn over to you at another time.  In the mean time, have you suffered and feel the need to forgive?  Is it premature to forgive?  Can you really forgive?  I have lots of notes from classes about forgiveness.  I have chapters that I have read about forgiveness.  I have the theory, but my question is about the spirituality, the feelings, the despair, the destruction of innocence?  Can you forgive?  And if not, why not?  What do you think?  I really would like to know.    

Take that day of rest

     In a fast pace society that operates seven days a week and twenty-four hours, it seems harder for people to get that quiet relaxing time they are starving for without realizing it.  At times something happens such as a physical disability or a mental health breakdown which causes all else that comsumes us to become trivial in comparison.
     Growing up in Toronto, I always made an effort to leave the city at least once a week to relax in the country.  This seems harder to do nowadays since urban extends further out, demolishing greenery and forcing the wildlife to relocate.  However, if one can not seek refuge in the country for whatever reason, why not find it somewhere closer to you?  Some find their oasis in their gardens, their balconies, and even their bathrooms.  In their bathrooms, by candlelight and scented bath salts, one may soak away the days tension.
     The point is that everyone needs to take that time to rest from the hurried life and adjoining stresses.
      More people are forced to work longer hours and more days.  Many have stressed full days or nights and do not even know they are experiencing this heightened level.  However, stress will eventually breakdown on the body some how.  How do you relax?  Do you?  Can you relax for a full day once a week?  How about a few hours and escape at least once a month?  What is important to you?  How do you balance your life in an inbalanced environment?
     Why not take the direction to easing some pressure off you and enjoy what life has to offer you?  Why not take that break, to relax, reflect and enjoy once again?  What do you think?
 
   

Boston bombing

     As I watched the news of the bombing in the States, my mind went to the suffering of those who were injured and the senseless murders.  Nails in a pressure cooker, such a cowardly way to kill and maim.  I wonder who the culprit is?  Is he a loner who feels he is underappreciated, under valued, in need of being someone bigger than he or she is?  Is it to cause terror because the culprit is full of hate and wants to cause pain and terrorize?  Is it a vendetta?  It can be so many things. 
     The States is my neighbour.  My favourite places and fun times are in the States.  I love New York City and could easily live there and I love Disney World and even lined up for an autograph waiting for Mickey Mouse.  I would never do that for any other celebrity.
    When anyone who is not American attacks the States in Boston or New York, he or she does not only attack Americans but attacks the world.  These cities draw people from everywhere.  Marathons are popular and will continue to be so, and may more than likely increase due to the stamina and will power of people.
     It will be a matter of time when the culprit(s) is found.  With everyone having a camera nowadays and cctv, it is only a matter of time. 
     This incident, as all that are similar, cause a lot of pain and suffering to everyone exposed.    Effected are the victims, the families, the observers, the medical teams and the police.  No one is eliminated from the grief.  The concentration is immediate to help, but the pain lingers and hopefully people will continue to seek the help they need.
     My thoughts are to my neighbour in the South today and has been since the occurrence.  I am proud of my city as they take their moments of silence.  I am proud of my Prime Minister as he speaks of solidarity with our neighbours.

     As for the culprit.  Yes he or she has caused suffering.  But what has also been achieved is bringing people closer together, and that was not the objective.  It is when disasters occur that we also see the kindness, the consideration and the love that people have.  Love is much more powerful in my books that any act of hatred.
   
               

THE ROLE OF THE COMMUNITY

         When I read this paper, I am tempted to correct it but do not.  It offers me the opportunity to see my own growth.  I have posted it because it may be of use to someone.  Beloved is a book I read more than once for school, in my earlier days.  It is an important book because it tells so much about our humanity and our lack of it.    This may be of use to someone and therefore why not?                               

                         THE ROLE OF THE COMMUNITY

                                    

                                                             SILVA REDIGONDA

                                                 THE ROLE OF THE COMMUNITY

The role of a community provides a social perspective.  This paper will demonstrate how the role of the community depicts prejudice and how judgmental the role of the community is.  It will also illustrate how the community is utilized as a support system and how important that support system is in the texts Friend of My Youth[1] and Beloved.[2]

The role of the community in Beloved displays the mid nineteenth century politics in the United States.  A black man is not considered a man.  Slavery is the norm.  Garner who is a slave owner states to community representatives that his slaves are men, though he refers to them as niggers:  "Young boys, old boys, picky bolys, stoppin boys.  Now at Sweet Home, my niggers is men every one of em.  Bought em thataway, raised em thataway.  Men everyone." (pg 10, Morrison).  The response is the attitude of the general community: "Beg to differ, Garner.  Ain't no nigger men." (pg 10, Morrison) The role of the community establishes the norm.  Black men are less valued than white men are.  Garner's perspective is that he is more humane than the rest of the community by referring to his "niggers" as men.  This contrast is merely an illusion.  Garner understands that his slaves are his property fully under his control.  The illusion extends to the slaves.  They believe what they have been engrained to believe: "He [Paul D] grew up thinking that, of all the Blacks in Kentucky, only the five of them were men." (pg 125, Morrison)  This illusion shatters with Garner's death:  "It was school teacher who taught them otherwise….One step off that ground and they were trespassers among the human race." (pg 125, Morrison)  Unfortunately, prejudice extends to the very people being targeted.    

            Friend of My Youth depicts a twentieth century rural community in southern Ontario.  The community does not refer to skin color to differentiate between people. The community targets a religion to explain what it does not understand:  "The Grieveses worked hard and they were far from ignorant, but they were very backward.  They didn't have a car or electricity or a telephone or a tractor.  Some people thought this was because they were Cameronians- but in fact their religion…did not forbid engines or electricity or any inventions of that sort…"(pg 5, Munro).  Both texts use the role of the community to illustrate a people somehow different from the community at large and demonstrate the response. 

The community in Friend Of My Youth is a highly opinionated, passive observer.   The role is important because it is the community who provides the  perspective of most of the narration: "The story of Flora and Ellie and Robert had been told – or all that people knew of it – in various versions." (pg 8, Munro) The community in Beloved is active and often treacherous. There are two distinct communities in Beloved divided by the color of skin.  "He saw a witless coloredwoman jailed and hanged for stealing ducks she believed were her own babies."(pg 66, Morrison).  One mother does not hesitate to kill her offspring rather than have them subjected to slavery:"…there was nothing her to claim.  The three [now four…] pickaninnies they had hoped were alive and well enough to take back to Kentucky, take back and raise properly to do the work…were not."(pg 149, Morrison) The role of the community demonstrates that white colored skin dominates and controls what is considered inferior.  The devastating results of taking the life of loved ones, to avoid their enslavement and the lack of compassion, from the white community, compounds the monstrosity of this existence.  

            The narrator in Beloved demonstrates how Sethe is judged after killing her children, from her demeanor.  Subsequently, there is no support from her peers:" Outside a throng, now, of black faces stopped murmuring.  Holding the living child, Sethe walked past them in their silence and hers…A profile that shocked them with its clarity.  Was her head a bit too high? Her back a little too straight?  Probably.  Otherwise the singing would have begun at once…like arms to hold and steady her on the way." (pg 152, Morrison)  This lack of support is devastating: "to belong to a community of other free Negroes- to love and be loved by them, to counsel and be counseled, protect and be protected, feed and be fed- and then have the community step back and hold itself at a distance- well, it could wear out even a Baby Suggs, holy." (pg 177, Morrison)

The role of the Community in Friend Of My Youth is also quite judgmental.  When Robert is permitted to continue living in the house after the death of Flora's father, the community feels responsible for her reputation:  "Nobody knew how to speak to Flora about this being scandalous, or looking scandalous.  Flora would just ask why." (pg 10, Munro).  The community continues to support Flora but not her sister.  When Ellie gets pregnant by her sister's fiancée and marries she is quick to be judged by the community:  "God dealt out punishment for hurry-up marriages- not just Presbyterians but almost everybody else believed that. God rewarded lust with dead babies, idiots, hairlips and withered limbs and clubfeet.  In this case the punishment continued" (pg 11, Munro)

The community's judgement does not have any direct effect in the lives of the Grieveses who remain detached from the community.  But this detachment does not extend to Stamp Paid in Beloved.  He realizes the impact the community has:  "Stamp Paid, who had not felt a trickle of meanness his whole adult life, wondered if some of the pride goeth before a fall expectations of the townfolk had rubbed off on him anyhow- which would explain why he had not considered Sethe's feelings or Denver's needs when he showed Paul D the clipping [about the children being killed by Sethe]." (pg 11, Morrison)       

            The importance of the role of the community as a support system is noted in Beloved.  Denver as a child seeks a house where other children her age go.  She finds it and is accepted: "So she had almost a whole year of the company of her peers and along with them learned to spell and count.  She was seven, and those two hours in the afternoon were precious to her."(pg 102, Morrison)

            Slavery bounds men to each other to increase survival.  This support system is more important than their own individual lives: "…all forty-six, would be yanked by the chain that bound them and no telling who or how many would be killed.  A man could risk his own life, but not his brother's.  So the eyes said, steady now, and hang by me."(pg 109, Morrison)

The community in Friend Of My Youth acts as an audience observing, judging and offering explanations.  When Nurse Atkinson lets the community know that she would like a dance at the school house extended to her [for a cash collection] the community is divided: Some people thought it would be a disgrace to gratify her, a slap in the face to Flora.  Others were too curious to hold back.  They wanted to see how the newlyweds would behave." (pg 18, Munro).  The community is watchful:  "She [Nurse Atkinson] danced with every man present except the groom…" (pg 18, Munro). 

The support system in Friend Of My Youth does not seem to be appreciated by Flora.  Flora responds to the community gossip as: "malicious people, or unjustified conclusions.  What happened in Flora's family was nobody else's business, and certainly nobody needed to feel sorry for her or angry on her behalf."(pg19, Munro)

The support system in Beloved  is required because of the imbalance of power: "the lesson she [Baby Suggs] had learned from her sixty years a slave and ten years free:  that there was no bad luck in the world but white people.  They don't know when to stop." (pg 104, Morrison)    

 The community in Friend Of My Youth watches Nurse Atkinson renovate her side of the house leaving Flora's bare.  Initially, the community supports Flora.  Her indifference causes a change of that support:  "…Flora's side was left bare.  This strange open statement was greeted at first with pity and disapproval, then with less sympathy, as a sign of Flora's stubbornness and eccentricity (she could have bought her own paint and made it look decent), and finally as a joke.  People drove out of their way to see it." (pg 17, Munro)    

            The role of the community in the texts Beloved and Friend Of My Youth establish the norm.  Prejudice is projected in the form of slavery or religion.  Regardless of its passivity or activism both can have an impact on the people targeted.  How people are judged is an integral part of the amount of support offered.  This may be needed, wanted or rejected.   Ultimately the role of the community provides the social setting demonstrating how people interact in response to each other.

      "Those white things have taken all I had or dreamed and broke my heartstrings too"

(pg 89, Morrison)

---

[1] Munro, Alice.  Friend Of My Youth.  Toronto: Penguin, 1995.  References taken from the text will be indicated by a page number and author's name in brackets following the quote.

[2] Morrison, Toni.  Beloved.  New York: Plume, 1998.  References taken from the text will be indicated by a page number and author's name in brackets following the quote.

Couple Therapy cont....

     Couple therapy is working on the relationship of the couple.  Most often separate counselling sessions for each person is required to help the person deal with emotions within, that arise and/or to work on issues that have arisen as part of the process. 

Question:  Can a person work on their relationship if one is having an affair?
Answer:    If one is having an affair (exit, as described earlier) and is not willing to let that person go, than one cannot be serious about having their relationship with their partner work.  Therefore, I would not continue to see the offending partner for couple therapy, until a commitment is made to let go the third party.  Then the work may begin.

     Couple therapy as family therapy and individual therapy/counselling is hard work.  A person is required to examine the self and relationship.  It is not specific to he is right and she is wrong.  It is trying to learn how to communicate and really listen to each other.  It is about learning what is causing the couple's relationship to decline and how to control the anger and hurt and all the associated emotions to be able to seriously hear and talk to each other.

     I have written in the past, that we are always growing and changing because things are always happening to us to change us just a bit.  Sometimes something drastic happens which may alter and skew how we view the world.  We have a family of origin which works as a template in how we relate to others.  What is our view of a woman, a man, a husband; a wife.  What happens when that view in not consistent in our own partner? 

   What happens if something from our past is stopping us from sharing and commiting fully to our partner?

    Couple therapy is a huge step to moving forward to commit to an improved relationship with the other.  Are you ready?  Are you ready to stop having that affair?  Are you ready to get off the computer?  Are you ready to get to know your partner and to get to know yourself?  Are you ready for change?

    Why not take your partner on a date this weekend?  It can be as fancy as you can afford or it can be a walk and a coffee shop stop.  It can be a start to take another look at your partner and re-kindle something thought lost.

    What do you think?    

  

Couple therapy

You have two people coming from different worlds, you join them together and what happens?  Well you tell me?  How is your relationship with your partner going?  Is it an equal relationship?  Are you okay with the unbalanced?  Do you have quality time together?  Why not?  Are you ok with that?  Are you living separate lives?  Are you happy in your relationship?  Are you ready to work on your marriage?  Are you on the verge of separation?  Are you having second thoughts about getting married because you have learned....you suspect.........you don't think...........

      We all come from different worlds in some way, some less obvious than others.  I remember in my undergrad days studying social psychology from one of my favourite profs.  We learned that it is not opposite who attracts but what we find in common.  That trait in your partner that makes you feel, you knew him all his life.  That is some trait that may be in your mom or dad.  That trait you find so adorable, will be the thing that drives you crazy later on. 
     We learned that there are chemicals in the brain that  gives us the feeling of romantic love which lasts four years (or is it 5?  I should check notes, but I would be one year off and no time to check notes).  After that in most cases the relationship may turn into a very good and close relationship.  Of course it may not and after the endorphins stop working, you suddenly realise this is not the person you married.  So you spend more time working on your car, computer or have an affair with someone you think you understand, but it may just be those endorphins.  It is called the triangle.  You escape working on your marital problems by finding a third relationship.  It keeps you from your partner.  Can you work on your problems?  Is it possible to salvage the relationship?  Yes..........but you will have to wait for another day because I now have to go.  To be continued next time.