Effective Systemic Approaches to resolve high conflict co-parenting. Keys to success. Notes from AAMFT Conference

5% to 10% of divorces with children have conflict relationships. Contributing factors: high conflict; emotional reactivity; negative attributions; exaggeration of parental differences; excessive court filings and litigation. Common problems: Justifying actions, blaming etc… Help them in how they can be different for the children. Intervention Point: - pre separation - post separation/pre-divorce - post divorce. Children benefit from relationships with both parents. 2. Children benefit from parent cooperatively co-parenting.3. Divorce is stressful and painful for all. 4. Children have different needs during divorce than parents do. Children are resilient but we won’t know how resilient they will be for years to come. Not all children are resilient and parents need to know how they impact the other effects resiliency. First key to success: Strategery - in take process; in person meetings; phone sessions; video sessions; texts/emails; co - parenting apps. The speaker likes to do 2 hour sessions. The first is together usually. Meets with the estranged to re-establish. If received bad emails from partner: What was the intention of it? Both see themselves in the same way. Boundaries are important. Divorce is a shared responsibility. Best interest of the child. Study or have handy any custody agreements. Have a clear contract. What have they tried before, so don’t repeat. Clarify values, preferences, and choices: communication, problem pyramid all as a couple. Balloon ride/hockey team because hockey is of value to father (or either parent I am adding). If the other parent doesn’t value hockey missing a game at 11:00? Why will get out if misses a few games. What is common is bringing up the past; saying nasty things to each other. An example is he often shushes people and often interrupts. Who is responsible for the solution? Who brought up the issue? Who is upset about the problem? What exactly is the problem? It’s mom’s weekend and she can choose what she wants to do. The speaker at one time had to write up a script for them. Father would inform mom of events. Have five minutes to raise concerns. Speaker had to tell them who will take pictures, saying good-bye longer. It anything affects the child text therapist and reply. Taking concerns of the child first. Key 2. Change is constant- you have to adapt. 1. No one likes/wants to change. Our brain wants what we know. 2. People much prefer someone else to change. What can you do to do that? People won’t change unless they see the benefits of doing so. Stages of Change: conscious raising; dramatic relief; environmental re-evaluation; self and social liberation; stimulus control; counter conditioning and reinforcement management. Key 3. Balance is not difficult because it is not balanced. Women more active and involved in home life. Women are squeezed because they are expected to have a full time job and children. This patriarchal system is known. Loss and Gains: 50/50 split in custody - may feel like a loss to women because provided more with children and household. Women are doing more in the home and when men initiate the divorce it feels worse. Emotions and Grief: - loss of marital relationships; anger, hurt, resentment. - Justifying bad behaviours, fright, flight or freeze. The speaker states that it is harder for men to talk. I don’t necessarily see that in my practice. The speaker concludes for couples to share with their lawyers. I just want to add that roles may change in households and to keep that in mind. Sometimes unfinished business needs to be discussed and worked on so couples can move on from the other and work on what is best for the children. Sometimes individual therapy is required. At this moment I don’t readily have the name of the speaker but will add it in future when found. Sorry.

Hey Guy Buy Me - First book published (This was written for fun only after working with men forever) It has pictures too www.silvaredigonda.ca

Cologne - I personally like cologne on men. There are times when a man has a scent that just turns me off. There is a popular brand that smells really bad to me when some men wear it. There are others like “Obsession” that really wants me to get close and personal……..remember the pies. Of course there are women out there that who are allergic to colognes. They get headaches if you get too close, so keep that in mind. Please don’t get insulted but teeth are important too. Start brushing if you haven’t and mouthwash is good. Do floss. It is yucky to see food squished between teeth. Nice smell is good. If you can afford to get the dentist to clean your teeth do it and take her suggestions. Forget about your fear of dentists. Get over it. Why do I say her, rather than him? We’ll get to that later. I hope I don’t forget, but now is not the time.

Mattering - Psychology notes from yesterday's lecture.

Yesterday I attended a webinar lecture from York University. The speaker Prof Gordon Flett, Psychologist Professor is from the Faculty of Health. Though I believe he was there when I was a student, I never took any of his courses. The topic is The Role of Mattering in Hope, Health and Fulfillment. Prof Flett stated that Mattering is deeply felt. It satisfies the need to connect with others especially when one feels different. Mattering is an essential resource for life transitions. Morris Rossenberg created “the Mattering Construct” but passed away before he could delve deeper in this work. Mattering means feeling like you are important to others and they are paying attention to you and depend on you, that is they need you. It is being valued by having value to others. If one feels marginalized, one feels that no one cares. Mattering is about people. Fast facts: Less loneliness; better transition to on-line learning; less stress and physical “wear and tear”; Support for efficacy and mattering is one of six keys to positive youth development (Eecles & Gootmon, 2002). One in four gifted UK adolescents have low mattering. The good news of mattering is hope. It is linked with life satisfaction. It provides adolescents with greater hope and positive future orientation, motivation, greater achievement, and less problematic behaviour. (He is in the process of writing a book). You can talk about Mattering at home, at work - greater satisfaction, less job stress and burnout, less turnover from leaving the profession. Mattering in the community and Mattering to a parent. School boards (York, Durham and Niagara) will be implementing Mattering. There is a program of Mattering now being implemented for retirement groups of men and now also with the Military and Police. Dr Flett believes in a promotion to prevent youth homelessness. Promoting Mattering: 1. People by name (see me) 2. Listen actively (pay attention). 3. Give them their sense of voice (hear me). 4. Encourage them (express your belief at them, don’t cut them off) 5. Say no, set limits when needed. 6. Encourage expressing emotions and accept them. 7. Limit any messages of not mattering. Spend time with people. Anytime is quality time. Volunteer, get involved. Let them know when they have been missed. Remember things important to them by reaching out to see all is ok. Parents over estimate that their children know they matter. Too busy. Not checking in. Looking at phone when someone is talking. Share activities, Matter unconditionally. Remember when they were little, that first glimpse of the baby? - that look - keep it when seeing them. International students felt that they didn’t matter due to Racism and Stigma. Older people and adolescents need to feel mattered. Express appreciation. Google Aging Process. Coping with loss - adjustment. Parents need to feel they matter. Important for parents who feel they are no longer needed, to recognize that they are. Any errors here are my own and not that of Prof Flett. This video lecture will be posted at York University. Should you not be able to see it, please let me know and I can post it here for you. It is interesting that yesterday I also read a short article in Psychology today. It stated that one should ask what one needs from his/her partner. I utilize this very much in couple therapy, family therapy and individual therapy.

Warning about Publishers Clearing House scam

Weekly Thoughts - blah Home Show; Word On the Street - Skipping this year in all probability

It has been one of those weeks. One day it is a snow storm and the next it is sunny and of course it takes my breath away. I am sick of winter which seems to drag on mercilessly. I think I prefer cold, cold cold without the ups and downs but of course with global warming this will only continue mercilessly. I did go to the Home Show and found it was very slow without the usual booths I was looking for. Michael Pape Art Inc was there and I enjoyed talking to the Artist. His work is amazing and his love for wild life is amazing. However, I cannot afford his work and I really don't have any more space on my walls at the moment. I did buy a 50. T shirt, but funds go to support the wild life. I did find starbucks coffee and I had a delicious bagel with salmon, pimentos and the works. But, there were no flowers in bloom which I was really looking forward to. The information booth person told me that people don't want to work. I kind of find that hard to believe. Forever the skeptic. Regarding Word on the Street, I have been going every year it was open since I wrote Hey Guy Buy Me. But this year the price is crazy. I would have to take the full two days, rather than one which would cost $850.00. for just a small booth which would be half the size I had last year. The price has gotten c-r-a-z-y. I have a few faithful fans each year and I thank you so much. I haven't published my last book yet which I had been hoping to but I am doing things differently this year. I have joined different writing associations and Authors are amazing people. They share and provide tips and so I am learning more as times goes on regarding the business side of the house. I have not accepted any offers I have received because I think I can do better. However, I have not sent out as many as I should. So I am trying to focus on doing that, but I must admit I am not really interested in that part. I love to write stories but I have come to realize that there is a business side of the house. Publishers seem to being doing less and wanting more and authors are beginning to notice. Stephen King thank you for speaking out on behalf of all of us. York University Retirees are considering having an authors day and I will certainly go to that if they have it. I belong to the Sisters of Crime and if they get a booth at Word on the Street, I will certainly go and it would be free for me. I haven't been an active participant due to other obligations. It is all a work in progress as I learn and share. I want to thank all the people who have bought my books and ebooks directly from me. I appreciate it. I love meeting people at book signing opportunities and when they return I am completely in awe of the support. For now, another week has sped by and I am having difficulty using the brakes. There is so much to do in one lifetime. Have a good weekend. I am also trying to spend as much as possible with Mr Attitude because he seems to need me more, now that Holy Terror is in heaven. Just the other day I found a statue of a cat with wings at HOme Sense. It was made in China but I did it anyway. I will bring it outside in the Spring and place it near flowers. www.silvaredigonda.ca

Research Studies Reflection from a pastoral perspective (theology ) paper

Research Studies Reflection Silva Redigonda Reflection Paper Three Research is such an important aspect of psychology in Canada that at present, there is no psychology degree program that paves a way, without an extensive incorporating program of both statistics and research methods. I have no interest in conducting research because my focus is counselling. However, I acknowledge the importance of research in all my work and am hesitant when statistics and research information is not provided in my learning formation. I think that counsellors and psychotherapists need to have an extensive knowledge of data that has been tested to determine what is best for each client. This paper is one of reflection, and not analytical, I will compare two researches journals, one written by Gubi and the other by Carlson and Erikson and reflect on the importance of objectivity. When reading Carlson’s and Erikson’s paper, I paused wondering if it was a philosophical paper. Key words that I read were repeated throughout the paper, “we believe.., we feel…, we wish…, we have heard…we hold…what we are calling for…we do not believe…” What I heard was subjectivity. Yet, the paper’s format included an abstract and provided a format equivalent to a research journal. Perhaps, I am restricting myself, by being so critical. As this is a reflection paper, I am permitted to ponder but as a student, I also need to evaluate what may be a hindrance, in how my profession as a pastoral counsellor is perceived by professionals, of other disciplines. Reading Gubi’s paper, I immediately feel more comfortable with the objectivity and professionalism of the writing. Gubi provides research sources for his study, while evaluating the benefits and problems that can and have occurred, as it pertains to praying. In contrast, Carlson and Erickson (1999) offer united, extensive, personal beliefs enforced, by the inclusive term of “we”. This stream of personal beliefs overshadows any objectivity. Carlson and Erickson are encouraging personal exploration, in presently deficient training programs (p 58). There seems to be an assumption that the reader is aware of what the training program is. There are so many questions and possibilities to explore. Gubi however, is methodical and systematical in his approach. His purpose is clear, precise and contained, “The purpose of the research was to discover if counsellors who use prayer were aware of, or encountered, ethical problems with their use of prayer” (p 116). As I read each paper, I wonder if Carlson’s and Erikson’s paper published in 1999 is perhaps too dated (p 57) compared to Gubi’s more recent paper, presented in 2009. Does this indicate a progression of sophistication or am I missing something very important? Is it possible, that Carlson and Erikson are presenting a paper that is quite acceptable and I am unfamiliar with? After all, there may be an assumption that I am failing to understand. References are indicated to support statements. But even the references that Carlson and Erikson provide, seem outdated and too lengthy for a paper. Is it necessary to provide 14 references, for one statement especially when it dates from 1978 (p 59)? Is it not more practical to limit references, and to provide the latest information, unless it has a bearing to what the author, wants the reader to know? Carlson and Erikson have something very important to say. An example is that “a therapist will choose a theory that is compatible with his or her own values and world view” (p 59). Again, three references are provided. Rather than look up the references, I would prefer to read how this conclusion was determined. Was this statement based on research or is it also the opinions of the authors referenced? There is ambiguity, when there need not be. This takes away from the purpose of the paper. Gubi is clear in what he wants to project to the reader. He provides easily understood results from the format he uses, such as a table to provide a code for the type of psychological approach used, as well as the gender and qualification of the counsellor. Titles provide a guide for referral, such as “prayer results that can change the way the counsellor is regarded” (p 116). Carlson and Erickson also provide a table, listing the five stances therapists commonly take (p 71). It provided me with the same sense of objectivity as that of Gubi. But it was listed towards the end of the paper and I felt it came a little too late. It is obvious that I have a preference and respect for Gubi’s research article. Unfortunately, I do not feel the same for Carlson’s and Erikson’s paper. Perhaps, it is because I do not understand what kind of paper it is. Perhaps I am assuming that it is not well written, when it may be. Perhaps, I need to be more open to what I read and less critical. Carlson and Erikson are calling for “an integration of personal and theoretical beliefs, for the development of personal ethics” (p 63). This is exactly what I am doing. Carlson and Erikson probably did not presume to have their own paper so critically scrutinized, to support this claim. The points that Carlson and Erikson make are important, “We believe that a therapist should personally believe in the principles and values of the theory that is guiding their work” (p 63). What Carlson and Erikson has failed to do and where Gubi is successful, is convincing the reader by providing substance. Am I being subjective? I don’t think I am entirely. I think that if we are to be taken seriously in our profession, we need to meet a standard that is recognized by the medical field. It is in this reflection, that I realize what is important to me, as I provide a service to others. Science and theology need to be complementary of each other and not separate. Jesus lived among the people of their time. We need a balance of science and theology to be taken seriously. We need to work with professional structures already in place, as well as our hearts.

Hey Guy Buy Me ( This is my first book at only 9.95. I want to keep this Friday light.) Have a good weekend. www.silvaredigonda.ca

Chapter One PRESENTATION Ok men (don’t turn around, I am speaking to you. There is no one here except me and you or is it you and me?). Let us take a stroll down the street and gaze into the windows of shops. You will notice (let’s say it is a bakery) all sorts of treats. What is your preference? Look at what you find interesting. What do you prefer? Is it the appearance of good old fashion apple pie? Take a look at its form, fresh apples protruding from a browned flaky pie crust. Smell the aroma penetrating onto the outside air as the front glass door opens. Yes, good old fashion apple pie. Or, is it the taunting Tira mi su. Yes, with a hint of alcohol in between layers of melting biscuits and cream…….We can go on, and on. Do you get the point? Hey stop looking at the Cherry pie! You are so not there, yet. This is elementary. Don’t worry. I will explain. You are choosing what you want by what appeals to you and your senses. We are going to keep this simple because I don’t want to waste your time. The first thing you must do is make yourself desirable. Don’t laugh. I am serious. Remember when I said aroma…..senses…Yes, you should smell nice and clean all the time. Daily baths or showers are important. Now if you work hard all day and go home smelling like fish, you need to get that smell off you as best as you can. Don’t just accept it because it is part of your job or life or body odor. Find out how to make yourself smell nice and clean. Do you have a mom or sister who can help you with this? Ask her. Don’t just ask any girl (woman). Some women are not as honest as I am. They may be afraid to hurt your feelings (my sister is like that). That will not help you, will it? You will continue to smell badly and girls (women) will try to avoid you. Don’t ask your buddies either, unless you grew up with them, and they are honest with you. You are the competition! Yes, you are now the competition. Get over the loser part. You are going to be the man, when I am finished with you. www.silvaredigonda.ca