Couplehood in Close Quarters: Impact of COVID on Couples (notes)

One of the lectures I attended during the American Association of Family Therapists conference is about the impact of COVID on couples. It was reported that there was an imbalance of work division. Couples were going back to traditional roles. Keep focus on effect from each other and not the income. How one was socialized came into the relationship and re-socialized. When changes need to be met, it is very difficult to make those changes. Why do I need to change? Having that conversation is needed. Blended families during COVID had to be re-organized. Children went from one home to the other. Some used the pandemic to stop visits. People didn’t always agree with how the other family dealt with COVID. Rules may have changed for pick up. New partner had to agree with partners from other family. There was a feeling of helplessness. Everyone had to agree/deal with COVID. There was a need to communicate and find a compromise. This also had an affect on grandparents and non-biological family members and the community, causing problems for each other. Children often play one parent against the other. Child may say my mom lets me play in the park when the step mother doesn’t. Empty nesting - can be stressful - can have major changes. Some teens decided to stay home when parents thought they were moving out. After empty nesting, divorce increases. There was no prom, families visiting etc…Many other rituals were abruptly taken away. There was a reconstruction of identities, parents of first grads, actually driving to their child’s school and mock a move in to residence. Couples planning derailed. Couldn’t sell their houses when they had planned to. Pandemic forced close contact among couples and families. More challenges of not being able to see doctors on top of transitioning to retire. Recommendations: Finding new meaning. How to reconnect themselves. Seeking a new mate during the pandemic, individual adults and non-monogamous were forced to put on the brakes, which at times caused havoc. Others dating were faced with challenges - had to negotiate with themselves and others. For non-monogamous it was back to listing new agreements. Example: two primary couples, rules - conflict between new and long term couples. Didn’t agree in masking, and same rules on couples. There were new forms of lying and betrayal. Some were less concerned about safety. There was an increase in fertility during the pandemic. Others because of uncertainty, decided to postpone. Others in fertility had to postpone because resources were for COVID. Couples had to put things on hold. Others re-awakened the thought of having children and other partners may have changed their mind. Revisited if desired children or not. Families missed activities. What does it mean to be bored with your partner? How do you go on a date without going anywhere? Virtual movie nights and dress up and mimic going out. In my own practice what I found was people having more of a burden of work. There was an expectation that because people worked at home they could produce more or because a parent was at home, the role of mother involvement could increase, while the partner did not help. Duties had to be re-defined. I did at times recommend that a parent return to the office to decrease stress. We must also acknowledge that abuse increased.

How families are adapting to an evolving landscape. Worth watching

How do you seek happiness? Here is something for you that was provided by the self psychology module. Hope it is ok to share.

I hope this is ok to share, if not, I shall happily remove it. Have a good weekend everyone.

Key to mindfulness (notes from self psychology Harvard on line)

Basic - sit quietly and focus on natural breathing. Use a word or mantra you can repeat silently. Allow thoughts to come and go without judgement and return to focus on your breathing or a mantra. You can experiment with sensations (itch a tingling, each part of the body). Sights and sounds - name them and let them go. Emotions - allow for them to be present without judging them. Practice naming - a steady and relaxing naming of emotions, joy, anger frustration. Goal of mindfulness - obtain a state of alertness, focused, relaxed consciousness. How? By deliberating, paying attention thoughts and sensations without judgment. This allows the mind to focus on the present moment. If while practicing mindfulness your attention gets hijacked by another chair of thought, gently return it to your choice object of awareness. I have found that though many enjoy mindfulness, others do not. If that is you and you become anxious and uncomfortable it is ok not to continue. Perhaps it would be best to just open your eyes and focus on the room that you are in. State 4-7 things you see such as door, desk as an example. What do you hear? Bring yourself back to the present being aware of your surroundings and centering yourself. Feel free to share your experiences. What do you think?

For Love Of Country - Military Policewoman continues......... www.silvaredigonda.ca

I arrived home at midnight. After a sixteen-hour shift, I was ready for bed. I had loved my job and was sorry to say goodbye. I slept most of Sunday, hoping to rid myself of the excruciating headache that had crept up. My uncle Lauren and his wife Sally visited, and I decided to spend the day with my family. Thoughts of the military dominated the day. “My greatest fear,” I thought, “is losing my femininity.” October 7th is my father’s birthday. I spent most of the day cleaning the house, a rare event. At supper, Dad anxiously unwrapped the presents we had given him. He appeared happy with the electric shaver I had purchased for the occasion. It was a routine small gathering with only the four of us: me, my mom, dad and sister. We indulged as usual by gorging ourselves on food and birthday cake. Later that evening, Chris, Sandy, and I went for a drive to Milton in Chris’s Chevy. I drove. Chris announced that he had decided to live with his girlfriend. I cringed. “Of all the girls in Toronto he has to find the worst,” I thought. “So, she wants to move in with him. Too bad I’m leaving. I would have arranged some blind dates for him and then…” ” Excerpt From: Silva Redigonda. “For love of country : military policewoman.”

Neurobiology and Treatment of Relationships, Sexual Abuse, PTSD (notes from an AAMFT conference)

Neurobiology and Treatment of Relationships I have shamelessly cut and pasted this man’s bio with the necessary changes. I did this because it is easier than writing everything out. Normally I keep the credentials short, but this man deserved to tell his own story. I attended his lecture as part of the AAMFT conference I attended in the fall. This man impressed me. He is also willing to provide free conferences for room, board, and travel expenses for him and his wife. I would seriously consider him. What a champ. Dr Harvey Joanning is a dual licensed psychologist and marriage and family therapist, and currently acting as Co-Director of the Neurobiology of Relationships Research Study in the Department of Psychology at the University of South Alabama.  He first became interested in working with couples and families as a graduate student.  He later developed a keen interest in neuroscience as his first wife developed early onset dementia.  He has combined these two interests in an attempt to better understand and improve intimate human relationships. During his career he established and directed marriage and family therapy doctoral programs and family therapy training clinics at Texas Tech University and Iowa State University.  As part of those efforts, He has conducted numerous studies designed to improve relationship therapies.   He now teaches graduate courses and continuing education workshops focused on the neurobiology and treatment of intimate relationships, extending the human life span, and helping families to deal with Alzheimer’s disease.  He also volunteers for the Alzheimer’s Association, the American Tinnitus Association, and Veterans Administration. Ok, here our my notes. Dr Harvey Joanning has 50 years of research and couple therapy experience. His question was “Why do couples stay together when there is bickering?” You fall in love. Without dopamine you cannot fall in love. Affective psychotherapy. Baboons court like we do. The more dopamine - the more love. The Hippocampus - usually first affected in Alzheimer’s. If partner doesn’t remember - look for stress. 2nd session Linda M. Rio, MA states that religion is sometimes repressed from childhood. The hormone factor in mental health: Bridging the money - body Gap. is a recommended book. One person had all the symptoms of bi polar but it was the pituitary gland. What is common is social isolation. Endocrine disorders. Third session - Child abuse and neglect: A Comprehension Approach to Trauma Informed Care. Recommend book. The report of abuse is very under reported. One in seven experienced child abuse or neglect in the US. 1750 children died of abuse and neglect. Regarding sexual assault - one in four girls and 1 in 13 boys. Poverty - There is 5 times the higher rate of abuse and neglect. Latino and the Black community have higher rates. During COVID, Children have been isolated and at home. Families were trapped with perpetrators. Abuse was more severe when it came to the attention of the police or hospital. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Adverse Childhood Experiences. The highest ACE score - the worse health outcomes, diabetes, cancer, heart disease, obesity, depression, substance usage, smoking, poor academics/achievements and early death. You can check out utube: 95OV/J3DsNK, Nadine Burke Harris: ACE’S Study. Developmental Impact of Child Abuse Trauma: neurobiology; emotional psychological; self concept etc… Trauma changes the brain functions - smaller hippocampus (learning and memory). Smaller corpus callosum (integrating info); Over activity in the amygdala (fight and flight etc). PTSD - increased norepinephrine - fight and flight, anxiety, irritability, highly startled responsive. Increased dopamine, paranoia, perception distortions when under stress, social withdrawal, increased cortisol, short term memory deficit, decreased serotonin, increased endogenous/endorphins. Sexual Abuse - Disturbed body - feelings of dirtiness. Always showering or not at all; low self esteem, shame; guilt. A book of interest is : Healing The Social Brain Trauma Informed Care - How to avoid re-traumatizing? Collaboration with survivors and their families. I am here to support you. Children can display laziness, no motivation and disinterest. Check out Echotraining.org Remember how trust is broken. Build up and maintain. Peer support, collaboration and mutuality. Empowerment and choice. They are in control. We support and empower. Treatment one to six sessions in a safe place. Trustworthy and transparency. Book: The body keeps the store - Bessel van der Kolk. PTSD for adults of trauma HTTPS://HPELCPRTG TF - CBT on line course. Grounding is better, if mindfulness triggers. Grounding - eyes stay open - external world. Scan of environment and state all that is seen. Trauma informed yoga, dance, and drama - way of reconnecting. I gave you mainly tidbits because there is so much which I can get from slides. I am always available to answer questions. I want to catch up with the conferences/workshops from 2022 since I have already booked sessions for this year.

Mayor John Tory does not disappoint. My voting wish accomplished.

During lunch break I watched our Mayor speak on the news and was pleased. He said that the people of Toronto do not want their taxes to increase and he will keep it below inflation. Next, he said that he has raised the funding for the police. Yes!!!!!!!! He will not, as some groups request defund the police. I blame the reporters of giving those groups a voice making them sound bigger than they are. We need responsible reporting. Those days where you got a rise out of people to fuel two opposing groups should be over. We have had five police Officers killed in Ontario in what - a month? I grew up in Toronto when it was Toronto the good. I saw police everywhere and they were not to be feared. That is of course if you had nothing to hide. I remember the killing of a policeman when I was very young and our entire city mourned. We had our problem areas and knew to stay clear from them. This has changed throughout the decades and I sat and watched my beautiful city grow but also saw crime rise which needed to be addressed and wasn't. I know that there is a criminal element always causing fear of police so that the victims they prey upon do not report crimes. If they can make the police look worse than themselves they have the opportunity to reign. I would like to think those days are coming to an end. I want to see more police in my neighbourhood so that the riff raff find another city to torment. I want my beloved city back. So, those are my two cents worth today. The police are always welcomed here for a coffee and should I say donut? Have a good safe day. Tomorrow is the funeral for a young policeman in Barrie who had just finished his probation on the day he was killed by a man and woman known to the police. He had been on bail what twice for guns and violence? He had skipped out on his bail and so when this OPP Officer on his first time alone went to help him to get out of a ditch, he was shot to death. This young man had his entire future ahead of him, he was an asset to his community and he would have been able to give so much. We do need changes. To any police person out there, thank you so much for protecting me to the best of your ability. Coffee is on me anytime!