Holy Terror - my beautiful baby girl is dead

I wasn’t sure what I was going to write about today and didn’t want to miss the entire week. I decided to share about my beautiful baby girl, I had for about 19 years. It was Misty, a stray I adopted and had fallen in love with who brought Holy Terror to me. What struck me about Holy Terror was her beauty. She had the most beautiful blue eyes and silky smooth brown and beige hair. What I didn’t account for was how loud she could be telling me exactly what she wanted and when, meaning now. Twice she broke into my therapy room by squeezing herself under the divider. Fortunately for me because she was so beautiful, no one minded. Today the house is eerily quiet. Her brother has cried out only once after I came home without her. He has been a source of comfort but the house feels empty without her. I have cancelled all appointments outside including the two day conference in Markham not to leave Mr Attitude alone. I didn’t want pets this last time around because I enjoyed my lifestyle that I knew pets would alter. However, no one wanted these animals and they were going to be put down since they were considerd too wild to ever tame. It is surprising what love, security and consistency does not only for animals but for children too. Holy Terror had been having some difficulty whenever she went to the litter box or outside to defecate. When she wanted to go into my tv stand with one door closed underneath, I made a bed for her there. Holy Terror always wanted to be my side. If I went out, she came too. She never strayed too far from the back deck or front yard. If I worked on the computer, she would raise her paws onto my chair for me to move or pick her up so she could stay close. No matter where I was, she wanted to rest on me. So, when I saw her discomfort and couldn’t find her in the house and she had missed her morning meal, I was afraid that I would find her dead. She was hiding in the basement and this was the first time I could get her into a pet carrier. Once she was in my car, she yelled her annoyance half way to the hospital. I drove as carefully as possible with her trying to make her journey as comfortable as possible. At one point I had to swerve to the left because the driver of a parked mega truck, failed to check if the road was clear and came out quickly, causing me to swerve not to hit it. I was surprisingly calm, since my focus was Holy Terror and not the terrible drivers in my city. I went to the pet emergency hospital and the drive around where I normally would park to bring her in was now full of construction. So, I left the car on the roadway at the stop sign with my four way flashers on. After she went into triage and I provided all the info. I went out to see if my car was still there. It was and I was grateful that the parking people didn’t give me a ticket. I drove around trying to find a parking space and then saw a limousine driver get a spot. I asked the driver if he needed the spot, since my pet was at the hospital. He gave it to me (we have very kind people in Toronto). I went to pay my nine dollars for three hours and I rushed back to the hospital. They wanted me there ASAP. They were surprised I got a parking space and in no time I was informed that Holy Terror’s vitals were fine. However, I knew that she wasn’t fine. I returned to put more money into the meter (I need a smart phone). I went to place the new paid stub of nine dollars on the dash of the car and boy oh boy, I find a 50.00 parking fine waiting for me. I examine the parking sign along with a construction worker and we both find it confusing. Why did I get a ticket? There are parking meters all around the area with signs indicating when one could park. Doesn’t matter. I don’t have time for this nonsense. Looks like I have to pay 78.00 for this trip to the hospital (no. I would pay much more). I drive around and on the same street as the hospital where I have parked before to take Misty there, I find a spot as one driver is leaving. I park and examine exactly where I am. There is another meter, cars parked on the entire street and I carefully examine the sign, the same as the other. I notice a no parking sign and really find it confusing. There is an arrow showing that parking is only available just in front of me. There is one car and motorcycle there and no more room. I am baffled. How is it possible that there are only two spots on an entire street, full of cars and meters. I call parking customer service listed on my ticket and talk to a man about the confusion. He is sorry and tells me to contest the fine. I tell him that I will pay it, (for peace of mind) but that if I find it confusing, how do visitors to this city find it? It should be simple. I park in an underground parking and return to the hospital via walking tunnels. There is no way I would go through this area after nightfall. I decide I will have to take a taxi in future and hope they accept pets. The female Vet comes to talk to me. I approve the testing she recommends since I know there is something wrong though all the preliminary is fine. She suggests I go for lunch, that it will take a while and so I walk to Yorkville and go to Flo’s, a restaurant I used to go to when I was a student at the University of Toronto. You need a buzzer now to get it, but someone lets me in. I take an elevator to the floor and I recognize it as the same, but more worn. It is badly in need of freshness. The outside patio is bare of people and I know it is too cold for me for a sit down, the waiter agrees. He clears a table for me inside, but it is not my favourite seat where I can watch the people walking below. I order my meal and it doesn’t taste the same as I remember it. Has it really been 14 years? No, but at least 11 years. It is still a university favourite as I hear three International students speak. I feel outdated here. Yet, there are people here older than myself. I feel misplaced. I eat my meal, provide a generous tip and realize that this will be the cheapest I will spend this day. I walk back to the hospital and finally the same Vet comes to get me. She wants to go through the details. I am looking at a chart on the computer that is mostly green and she goes through all the positive. Everything is all good and then I notice the red. There are quite a few charts. I must have copies but I folded everything and placed it into my purse. She has found a poly in her rectum. I look at the photo of the polyp and it seems rather big to me. The vet provides me with options. Just to determine if the polyp is cancerous, surgery would need to be conducted to cut the polyp out and surrounding tissue. If cancer is involved it is an entire story. Then there are the additional complications because of the area. I think of my beautiful happy nineteen year old baby as I realize I am going to have to let her go. Tears form and I think the Vet is going to cry too. As tears continue, she shows me the x-ray or scan of her spinal cord and how that is worn due to her age. She can’t jump anymore like she used to. And then, the final heartbreak is that her kidneys are starting to diminish. The Vet will get ready to bring Holy Terror back and describes how she will die. I already know. I think of MAID. I think of my last long living cat who I also had for 19 years and had the vet come to my house to put him down. He had found it difficult to do because he had so many animals he had to put down in the same week. Someone comes in to take more money to put her down. I wait and then the attendant brings her in all bundled in a warm portable bed. He tells me she is a real sweet cat. I appreciate the comment. I can see that she has won hearts at the hospital with her beauty and kind nature. I can have as much time with her as I like but I ask for four to five minutes, because I don’t want to extend the pain. I kiss her tiny head until I feel she is becoming wet by my kisses and wrap my arms gently around her and she begins to purr and this makes it harder. She is happy to see me. I kiss her tiny face and she just keeps on purring with pleasure. She is home because she is with me. The Vet comes in and as I am holding her and feeling her little head, I see the fluid draining into her and then her little tongue hangs out. “Is she gone?” The Vet listens for a heart beat and there is none. I mention to the Vet that it must be hard for her. She tells me that this was a very peaceful death and she was 19 years old. So, I sit here and share this with you. At some point before her death I had thanked her. I merely said “thank you.” She has brought me so much joy and I shall miss her voice wanting me to stop working or to hold her or anything else she wanted. She has been the star of my books. I believe in God. I want to believe she is in heaven playing and having a great time with my family and other pets. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Til next week.

PhD student examines clash of masculine identities on internet hate site (cut and pasted for you from University of Toronto news)

I took a seminar yesterday about Eating Disorders which is on my list for you and part of the discussion was about the media influence. So, as I am now catching up on my emails, I thought I would cut and paste this article for you since I am not able to share it to this blog. I was able to share to my facebook page and twitter. More next week. Have a good weekend and Happy Thanksgiving. We are also voting here for the municipal elections. I wish they wouldn't have that on a holiday weekend. Regardless, voting is important. What do you think? Now for the article: As a biracial woman, it wasn’t easy for Jillian Sunderland to spend countless hours studying a website devoted to racism, misogyny and hate. But she persevered with her research on the internet hate site Stormfront.org, which promotes white nationalism and the alt-right movement. Created by former Alabama Ku Klux Klan leader and long-time white supremacist Don Black in 1995, the site’s 300,000 members openly share their racist, violent and misogynistic views. “It's the longest running white nationalist forum for hate, and originally, I wanted to look at the common ideology of the people in this white supremacist forum,” says Sunderland, a PhD student in the University of Toronto’s department of sociology in the Faculty of Arts & Science. “But what I found were two groups: one prioritizing the hatred of women and one prioritizing the hatred of non-white people – and a lot of disagreements that led to a fracture within the movement. I wasn’t expecting to find this at all.” Her work – “Fighting for Masculine Hegemony: Contestation Between Alt-Right and White Nationalist Masculinities on Stormfront.org” – was recently published in the academic journal, Men and Masculinities. “It felt really, really great – and it was a long time coming,” says Sunderland of learning that her first peer-reviewed paper had been accepted. Sunderland says she was fascinated by her findings in what she described as a relatively understudied area, noting they could be used to help disrupt hate movements. But she adds that her long engagement with the platform affected her on a personal level. “Spending hours a day reading hateful comments was sometimes very upsetting,” she says, adding that she relied on support from her academic supervisors and from fellow academics studying the same field. “I'm one of the people the forum targets in terms of saying horrible things about Black women, Black men and how biracial people are abominations,” she says. “And I couldn't believe the level of hatred of women. There was a lot of racism but the way they talked about women was shocking.” Sunderland used the label “alt-misogynists” for the group of Stormfront.org users who formed their identities around the opposition to women. Men in this group, she says, were usually under 40, though some were much younger. Many were single and opposed marriage. “They see women as representing the breakdown of civilization,” says Sunderland. “In their minds, women are irresponsible, opportunistic, as well as promiscuous, continually seeking to take advantage of, and exploit, men.” The other group Sunderland called “Aryan men.” Defining themselves through race, not gender, they were often older, more established and had families. “They identify as defending themselves against Black men, Jewish men and other groups,” says Sunderland, adding that they portray themselves as superior to other cultures and races with respect to raising families and possessing traditional family values. Sunderland was shocked to see just how much “alt-misogynists” and “Aryan men” quarreled on the site. “In my paper, I show fighting between these two groups where they try to invalidate and criticize each other,” she says. “The ‘alt-misogynists’ were often critical of the older members, accusing them of being out of touch with contemporary society. The fighting got so bad on some occasions, the ‘alt-misogynists’ would leave the platform altogether.” Often that fighting centred around women and their role in society. “The older 'Aryan' members have established gender norms that men and women are complementary – that the man takes care of the woman,” says Sunderland. “Their base idea is to create a white homeland with growing white families.” The "alt-misogynists," by contrast, have vastly different views on gender – and many of them expressed their belief and support for a society that’s based on the total domination of women. “They’re very different from the traditional white nationalists who see women as a part of their movement,” says Sunderland. “A lot of the older white nationalist members found these views offensive.” Sunderland says she was jarred by the number of posts devoted to victimization. “A big part of the far-right is the sense of superiority, but also this deep sense that society is no longer set up in their favour,” she says. Any kind of boost in diversity or a shift in equity was regarded as a threat to their way of life. “They were referencing divorce rates, declining marriage rates, declining fertility – and they viewed these things as examples of a society that was now gynocentric, dominated by women and feminism. And that it’s actively disadvantaging them. “There's this phrase that ‘equality feels like oppression when you're used to having more privileges.’ So, they see themselves as victims.” Sunderland says she would sometimes step back and totally disengage from the site and her paper for a week or two to clear her head and then return with a renewed sense of purpose. “My goal is to better understand these movements to help disrupt them, so that kept me level-headed,” she says. “But studying the extreme right is not for everyone; it’s studying people who literally advocate for a genocide of non-white people. That's why it's very understudied.” Her paper concluded with the idea that this split between these two groups could offer an opportunity to further impede the wave of hate. “Within social movements, if it’s a successful movement, there tends to be a unification within a masculine or feminine strategy,” she says. “But on this site, that didn’t happen. It’s a more fractured movement and I think acknowledging their internal dynamics can provide an entry point in how people desist, leave – or migrate to and from – the far-right.” But to pursue this idea, much more research is needed, Sunderland says. “Future research can lead to more clarity when attempting to deradicalize or prevent radicalization from happening, and I hope my paper offers a way for experts to really grapple with the complexity of hate/far-right movements.” September 26, 2022 Sean McNeely From the Series Breaking ResearchOur Community Tagged with Faculty of Arts & ScienceGraduate StudentsResearch & InnovationSociology SHARE THIS PAGE Most Popular "" ‘The entire country is on fire’: U of T’s Shahrzad Mojab on the uprising in Iran following Mahsa Jina Amini’s death Wind turbines and solar panels - Palm Springs, California Why some countries lead – and others lag – in the race to clean energy: Study "" Students pack U of T's Hart House for discussion on democracy with Margaret Atwood The Bulletin Brief logo Get faculty and staff news delivered straight to your inbox. 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Ernst. Block. Jewish Atheist not approved by gospel. Hope. - Theology notes continues

Existence is being in the way and the hope of that way is in the future which does not yet exists. Incompetence means that humanity is. He divides essence } future; and existence } humanity now. Distinguishes two forms of hope - 1. Recognizing disparity of injustice in this world and how it could be, hope to bring about change. 2. Hope that brings people to complacency. Block - avowed Atheist but respected Christianity - is a hope and so they didn’t have responsibility. Faith, hope and charity - faith should have all three. Theology of Hope - Moltmav - states from first to last - is eschatology, revolutionary and evolutionary, the future. Central theme of eschatology is hope. History is viewed as the sphere of God’s promise of the community is not in existence: 1. The second coming is not a radical break in history. 2. Promises one of moving towards fulfillment. Given enough time that eventually we will re-cur - live in the same experience. Moltman states - yes there is a sense of Block - unfulfillment of history. But, for the final time, will be a fulfillment of history. We have freedom to obey or not obey. Jerimach states that “I can’t help but speak the truth and then is killed for it.” Sublate def. - promise of Israel is taken up by Christians: trying to connect promise of Christianity and promise of Israel. How patient is with Pharaohs. - Nice? Plaques? Jesus death and resurrection is God’s promise, but fulfillment is yet to come. Hope is knowledge of future on the promise. Hope of future too - of the Church. Philosophy is not about interpreting history but changing it. Proclaim history, fostering Church and individual existence, suffering in present world. Christians for Moltman are construction workers. Next Metz, Shardane and wrap up.

Thoughts are with Eastern Canada and the States - huricanes

Eastern Canada was hit badly and the States even more so. The devastation and loss of life is terrible. I just want to express my sympathies. I have driven down to Disney World at least three times and taken the train once. I have often stopped along the way taking in the sites. It is beautiful. I have always found the people kind and dreamt of spending some winters there when possible. So much sadness. Eastern Canada, I haven't seen but I know and have known many wonderful souls from there. They also have such a generous spirit. My thoughts and prayers.

For Love of Country - Military Policewoman www.silvaredigonda.ca

“My mother’s smile vanished, replaced by a somber stare. “You are so fortunate to be living during a time when you have all these opportunities that were previously taboo for women.” A sadness shadowed her beautiful face. She continued solemnly, “If I only had the opportunities that you now have when I was young. It was a different time then; I had no choices. If I were young today, I would be doing the same thing you are doing.” The sun shone, its rays reflecting into the diner. “The basic training.” I paused. “It’s a killer.” When I had told Phillip I was joining the Canadian Armed Forces, a cloud had masked his handsome face, as his own memories returned to torment him. Phillip was a medical student whose idea of a date was to take me to an autopsy where he could carve some poor cadaver in his attempts to dissuade me from smoking. A health fanatic, he acknowledged that his own parents were being tortured by his constant nagging about the merits of proper posture. In spite of his attractive blond hair and blue eyes, being in his company was a chore. I would not date him Phillip and his best friend had joined the Forces to have their medical degrees paid for. During training, his best friend died. Phillip resigned as a result, and not without bitterness. He blamed the Forces for his friend’s death. His attempts to discourage me from joining failed. Excerpt From: Silva Redigonda. “For love of country : military policewoman.”

Bringing you up to date - me, me, me

I have booked way too many educational events but it is all good. I have a thirst for knowledge and have a curious spirit. I had found that most of what I was learning was redundant. Addictions I have been drowning in, however, there is such a problem out there that I cannot ignore it. I have been attending anything new but what is most important to me is the research out there. I have also been incorporating more fun. We are social creatures and I am definitely one of them. I have always enjoyed groups of people, functions, social gatherings etc….I have also enjoyed spending time with close friends though death has claimed too many. Last weekend I was in my favourite place in Canada - Niagara Falls. I was with a group and someone told me that one person had free tickets to catch the show. Knowing my love for theatre I was asked if I was interested. In a heart beat I flew to the area, but behold the person with tickets was not there. I asked the Usher if anyone had left a ticket - nope. So I hurried back to find the host and she too was invisible, so I returned to the Usher to pay for a ticket. Hold and behold there was a man telling the same Usher that he had an extra ticket for anyone who wanted it. (I am anyone) I reached out my palm and said yes. He gave it to me and we were off. He told me we had the front seats and I thought that we would be just near the front. Nope. We literally had first row seats. Of course I offered him payment for the tickets and he declined saying it had not cost him anything. Not used to getting anything for free, I took out 20.00 ’s from my wallet and suggested he take at least a bit of money. He declined once again and I was floored. The man is from Scarborough and I was impressed. I loved the show. It was “Spirit of the Dance” and they had the Irish Tenors and Celtic girls singers. Before I knew it, it was finished. I had a real good time and then I thanked my gentleman and departed. I told him he had made my week. I wanted to give him at least a book, but he asked me no questions except a few basic ones and I didn’t want to ruin his generous spirit by giving him any cards. It was a very nice gesture. This was just a nice guy and it was refreshing. The next day I called Revenue Canada and the woman I talked to helped me out (because I still have not received my return after seven months). She too went out of her way to be nice. She even checked my last years return and indeed my accountant had royally erred and not in my favour. She provided me with some instructions and am sure that will all be sorted out. I was flying. I went to see my host and told her about the kind man with a generous soul and she said nice things happen to good people. Do I agree with that comment? Nope, but I took it anyway, but here is where I become the psychotherapist and not the writer. Bad things happen to good people all the time. I cannot recall how many times I have heard people say how upset they are because they have fallen in bad times at no fault of their own and how they feel they are being punished by God. Sometimes their reality tumbles and they are devastated. They are not alone and this is where it also benefits them to get support. There are children starving and dying in certain countries. Do they deserve that? There is an exploitation of children women and men. Do they deserve it? No. When people are dying from a disease, do they deserve that? No, no, no. So remember take the good but also remember that it doesn’t define you. This guy I met was simply an honest man and a giving man. I am appreciative of this, because we are living in a world where it can be quite dangerous. Seeing such souls as this is uplifting. Why not do something nice for someone if you can today. How was your week?

Why do People forgive their cheating partners?

I read an interesting article in Psychology today, pp 16-17, Oct 22 edition, which I will like to share with you. Dr Bockarova is a researcher at the University of Toronto who wrote the article. She reports that infidelity occurs in 20% to 25% of marriages and close to 75% in dating relationships. The partner cheated on may experience symptoms such as flashbacks, depression and anxiety. I have provided couple therapy for marriages exceeding 30 years and for others who are dating. I have found that long term marriages seem to be more invested on working on the relationship, though not in all cases, while those dating may normally decide that their partner doesn’t meet their needs and therefore terminates the relationship. I have found that newly married couples will work hard to make their marriages work. They also seem more willing to do the homework and to continue to utilize the tools they have learned. The University of of Nicosia in Cyprus found that people are most likely to forgive a partner’s affair when they have children together to minimize upheaval in the children’s lives, when they themselves have been unfaithful in the past, when there feel there is a low likelihood of a repetition or when they depend financially on their partners. Younger people were more willing to forgive in general. Psychology Today ends with the notation that cheating often leads to the end of a relationship, but in some cases, it marks the beginning of a new relationship, perhaps more painful and less trusting. What I do with couples when there is an affair is for the cheating partner to terminate the affair. If the partner is unwilling to do so I cannot help them and therefore stop seeing them. I let them know at the beginning of the session. If a person is not willing to let go the affair than how can they seriously work on their relationship? I also encourage the cheating partner to be completely open with their partner in regards to access to their phone etc…where they were corresponding with the other party. I have found that it takes a lot of healing and the person who has cheated cannot expect immediate trust without a lot of hard work, and that trust may never be achieved, but there may be compromises to continue in the relationship. With yesterday’s seminar regarding polygamous relationships what is very different is that there is open agreements in the relationships. That is all for today. Remember you can always ask me a question. I will talk more about yesterday's session in the future because I think there were some important aspects. I have lots to share with you and want to catch up. For now have a good weekend. Take some time for yourself each day to enjoy some quiet time, to relax, to enjoy nature and to re-energize. What do you think?