Family Death - coping (additional notes)

Some time ago I provided notes regarding children and how they relate to death. It was from a seminar at Kane. The speaker was Andrea Warnich, a Registered Psychotherapist and nurse. I want to add some extra notes here that I may not have shared and think it is important. She stated that children try to protect parents when they are dying. It is hard to stop children from trying to protect their parents. If a parent dies, it is recommended to tell the child that dad died but he is still dad. Can ask the child if he is not talking about dad because it will make mom sad? Can tell the child that he is not making anyone more sad. He is helping when talking about it. Be honest with children. Death is not contagious. Children even at three age of age know the word “mystery”. Children balance joy and sorrow. There are grief bursts. Grief changes and returns with a child’s changing understanding. Children two or three of age will understand about death. Children living on farms really understand. Be honest and use simple language. Regarding teenagers - model healthy grief. Don’t preach it. Offer opportunities to connect with other teenagers in a similar situation. Be aware of the struggle for independence during a time of increased vulnerability. I would highly recommend attending a lecture from this speaker.

Pornography (notes from Texas Tech University)

I am back with notes from the AAMFT Conference. I chose to attend the lecture on pornography because I recognize it as a problem in my private practice. I do have slides, but since I did not ask permission to share the slides, I shall stick to my notes. The speakers were Travis Spencer LAMFT, Alex Theobald MMFT, and Ryan Seedall Phd. They indicated the following: Pornography is prevalent (I have raised this several times). There is little research on effective treatment. The positive is increasing sexual knowledge, a safe place to explore sexuality; entertainment only. The negative: diminished work productivity, loneliness and shame. There are health issues, low commitment, intimacy problems and weakened attachment bonds. Support systems is key in reducing shame, to support a friend. Speaker considers it maladaptive coping (I agree). Help to decrease stress. Foundation of support. Specialized or experienced in treating it made all the difference. Social support - group therapy, empathy from others, family and friends, religious leaders, honesty from partner - open communication. It is helpful when partner is supportive rather than shame. What works for some, will not work for others. Recovery language from addiction language. Clients stated healing comes from acceptance/surrender in process. Individual recovery before partner recovery - united in external problem. Maladaptive coping problem from real issues. Just doing therapy is not enough. Therapists need to find resources in the community. As systemic therapists find resources, accountability evolves to intimacy and to phrase it that way - it evolves to attachment - Bio, psycho, spiritual and social. There is Certified Addiction training for therapists. AASAT. Religiosity plays a big role. This study did not have a non religious study. God - critical for religious couples. www.cosa- recovery . org Sex Addicts Anonymous 1-800-477-8191. Sex compulsive Anonymous www.sca-recovery. org. www.sanon.org/sanon family. corner stone training.org

The Internet Murders - Updated website http://www.silvaredigonda.ca Teaser

Teaser Time: “Moving towards his Pontiac, as he fumbled with his keys, he slipped on a patch of oil on the rain-slicked sidewalk. He tried to catch his balance, but fell, hitting his head hard. He hadn’t seen the figure who had been watching him approach and begin to follow him. He didn’t feel his head being raised and smashed against the curb. George had never realized that he would die thinking about wine in his cellar and Sandra who would appreciate it.” Chapter 2 Robert was aware of his good looks. He didn’t have to flaunt it. He noticed the girls in the office trying to get his attention and because he kept it cool, they only wanted him more. “Hey Robert! Are we going clubbing Friday, after work?” called Paul. Paul knew that the only way women would pay attention to him would be if he was with Robert. His little paunch wouldn’t draw any women, but Robert’s muscular build did, and someone might notice him too. Not even a badge was helping Paul. He wondered why women couldn’t appreciate him. Paul knew that he really didn’t like Robert. Robert was too much of everything. He was too good-looking, had too good a body and worst of all, everything came easy to him. He didn’t even have to work, because he was wealthy. He had it all. What really pissed Paul off was that Robert was good at his job too.” Excerpt From: Silva Redigonda. “The Internet Murders.” iBooks. Just want to let you know that my website was designed for me. Yesterday I noticed that the payment was being directed to the person who set up my web. I have contacted shopify. Colpa mia. I had placed this website aside due to my worlk load. This is however a secure site. I chose Shopify, a Canadian Company because you can know what your shipping charges are as set by Canada Post. I did not have this opportunity with my last website which I will continue with as well until it expires. Subsequently, you may now order my books and ebooks from around the world. If you have any difficulties please notify me, but that should not happen. I love writing stories but sometimes I get busy with my practice. I sometimes ponder if I should just follow my passion of writing. However, I am not ready to do this at this moment. I enjoy working as well. Please do not hesitate to inform me of what you think of my books, especially if you are outside Canada. It is my passion. I have been complimented, scolded etc...in person. I take it all but must admit I prefer kindness. Until next week. Please keep safe during this pandemic. Please reach out to those who are alone. Love your family and pets and get the help you need if that is required. What do you think? http://silvaredigonda.ca

Men and Masculinity (Social Science notes) Abuse of women

Ok, Remember that Men and Masculinity course I mentioned taking in Undergrad? We had quite a few books to read which were all about men, thus the topic, and I have some loose leaf notes for you. Remember that the stats are a few years back but still relevant today. I worked as an intern for a year with women who had been abused and I actually stepped in when there was a discussion that a woman had to testify against her abuser. I corrected this misinformed person. It is important that people who work with the abused understand the law themselves in their support of the people they serve. How does male violence affect society? A huge study released by statistics Canada in 1993 (white ribbon campaign handout) informs us that one in two Canadian women has experienced physical or sexual violence since the age of 16. The study’s definition of violence follows Criminal Code of Canada and does not include the many forms of sexual harassment women experience everyday. Violence against women in Canada takes a variety of forms including physical assault, sexual assault, sexual harassment, psychological abuse and emotional abuse. Not all violence leaves physical scars. Violence against women consists of sexist jokes to domineering forms of behaviour, battering and murder. (I am going to include financial abuse which was not mentioned at the time). Three out of four women in your neighbourhood fear using public transport after dark. Only two in five feel safe walking in their neighbourhood after dark. Basic rights that men enjoy are the source of fear of the majority of Canadian women. The fear is greatest in women’s own homes. A common myth is that violence against women is committed by strangers. In fact women are most at risk from men they know - their husbands, boyfriends, dates, uncles, employers and caregivers. Of women who experienced violence only 23% was by a stranger. Almost one in three women (29%) who have ever been married or lived in a common-law relationship have experienced violence at the hands of their male partners. Every seven minutes a sexual assault is committed in Canada. 90% of the victims are women. Violence against women occurs in every region of Canada, among the rich, poor, middle class and among those of every nationality, religion and race. Violence is something learned. It is a result of the way many men learn to express their masculinity in relationships with women, children and other men. Gloria Steinem revealed that one in four women is sexually assaulted in her life time. 51% of college men said they would rape if they could get away with it. Domestic violence is the single largest cause of injury to women in the U.S.A. More than half of battering husbands also abuse their children. Battered women are more likely to be killed after attempting to escape, yet 40% of women who apply for shelters for themselves and their children cannot find one. How does Male violence affect society? Kaufman talks about violence being institutionalized as an acceptable means of solving conflict. Now the world over poses a threat to the future of life itself. The daily work life of industrial and class societies, is one of violence. It is violence that exposes workers to the dangers of chemicals, radiation, machinery; muscle strain. It is violence that condemns the majority to work to exhaustion for forty or fifty years and then to be thrown into society’s garbage bin for the elderly and used up. The racism, sexism and heterosexism that have been institutionalized in our societies are socially regulated acts of violence. Kaufman in Beyond Patriarch reveals that violence is not only against women, but also against other men and oneself. Violence against other men is visible throughout society. Some forms such as fighting, the ritualized, display violence of teenagers and some groups of adult men, institutionalized rape in prisons and attacks on gay or racial minorities are very direct expressions of this violence. In many sports, violence is incorporated into exercise and entertainment. More subtle forms are the verbal putdowns or combined with economic and other factors, the competition in the business, political or academic world. In its more frightening form violence has long been an acceptable and even preferred method of addressing differences and conflicts among different groups and states. Beyond Patriarchy expresses concern about the affect of sports on relations with other men. Sports where territorial control is important such as football, basket ball, boxing and hockey encourage athletes to treat each other as enemies to be intimidated and brutalized, when in reality they are co-players without whom the rewards of playing cannot be obtained. Kaufman refers to Allan Sack, an American Sociologist who played in the 1966 Notre Dame Championship football team. He said that in many ways football is a training ground for rape. In the game, players learn to control the field to dominate other players and in the dressing room they endlessly fantasize and celebrate the male sexual conquest of women. There is violence in Not a Love Story. Penthouse and Playboy both sold more than three times and New Week together (at the time this would have been studied. Three to one porn outsell “normal” movies. A woman who makes love to her boyfriend hears a man from the audience yell F——H——. Hurt her. Because she has a small frame and he is big. Hurting women is bonding men. One impotent man felt strong again when watching women be dominated. Pornography is filled with the desecration of a woman’s body. The power of the woman’s psyche has to be destroyed. More violence is required to stimulate. One photo depicted a woman in a meat grinder. Pornography - anti sexuality. The conclusion is the destruction of the human body. The soul knows that the spirit is in the body. By violating the sexually, you are violating the soul. Rather than dealing with the negativeness in ourselves, we direct it at others. Can Rapist be Stopped exposes how rapists get excited thinking rape when following a van with a woman within. Even in aversion therapy, violence is still used by an electrical charge to the man’s private part when excited. Another rapist attempted to rape his mother and then killed her. Over 60% of men at this centre were sexually abused as children. Therapist in the movie said that they (rapists) feel powerful being in control. Number of men who have committed suicide are more than killed in the U.S. (At that time). Anybody’s Son Will Do - There are 20 wars at any given time. Narrator states that soldiers are a modern street gang. The army indoctrinates recruits that the enemy is not human so it is ok to kill him. It does not take a special kind of person, anyone’s son will do. We employ soldiers to do the dying for us. Kaufman in Cracking the Armour states that no woman can feel completely secure because 30% to 50% of women have been beaten, raped or victimized by incest, and countless more have been pressured into having sex or have been sexually harassed at work or on the street. Paul Kivel’s, Men Work reveals that men don’t suddenly appear in life, armed and dangerous. It takes years and years of training to turn boys into violent men. We taught the boys to fight, stand up for themselves, stay in control, and have no feelings to make them vulnerable. This strategy set up both girls and boys as targets of violence. Kivel too speaks of positive portrayals of violence in our culture. Our movie and sports heroes use violence and are rewarded for it with power, status, money and women.

Compassion and Imagination in Leadership (RC)

I was looking for my notes on the Old Testament which has disappeared mysteriously. So, I shall get out my other notes and surprise you each time. Hopefully my Old Testament will re-appear. I have still much to share with you. For now I thought you would like to listen to this lecture at your own free time. I enjoyed it. Hopefully you shall too. This lecture was held on January 15, 2021 featuring Fiona Dalton, President and CEO of Providence Health Care and Michael W. Higgins, Interim Principal at St. Mark’s College. Have a good week. Please keep safe. If you ever have a question for me, feel free to ask.

More from the Internet Murders. Your teaser for the day. www.silvaredigonda.ca

George had thought the coffee shop was open 24 hours. Now what? Looks like he wasn’t the only one wanting a coffee. The tall dark stranger was walking away from the coffee shop and looking up at a woman on the second floor. She’s pretty, he thought. Probably wanted to get her a coffee, before interrupting her work on the computer. I would get her more than coffee, he thought, smirking at the possibility. He would go and see Sandra later and bring her a bottle of wine. But, he needed his coffee. He tried the front door of the coffee shop again before heading back to his car. “Why did I park it several blocks away?” he asked aloud. He looked up again and noticed that the woman was gone and the place looked dark. He wasted no time, thought George. He began walking east on Davenport. He loved this city. George wasn’t originally from Toronto, but he called it home after living here for ten years. He stopped walking, to look up at Casa Loma for a few minutes, and knew why he had parked away from the coffee shop. He enjoyed looking up at the castle. Poor bugger, he thought. The city took the castle from the poor bloke for not being able to pay his taxes. Nothing’s changed; a man’s home is always his castle. With prices the way they are and banks all merging and ganging up on the little guy, it was only a matter of time … Sandra. He looked back up the street and noticed the dark figure exit the building. That’s odd, he thought. Guess she didn’t like it that he didn’t bring her coffee. Good thing that he had wine stocked up in his wine cellar. Moving towards his Pontiac, as he fumbled with his keys, he slipped on a patch of oil on the rain-slicked sidewalk. He tried to catch his balance, but fell, hitting his head hard. He hadn’t seen the figure who had been watching him approach and begin to follow him[…]” Excerpt From: Silva Redigonda. “The Internet Murders.” iBooks. ”

Taping the Inauguration of Joe Biden.

My thoughts are with the American people today, hoping for a peaceful unity.