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Family Therapy

If I had my way, every person who comes to me, would also bring their entire family.  There can be intensive healing in families.  I have seen so much love in the most dysfunctional families.  I have also seen different dynamics from what one can be led to believe.  Usually abusers don’t want to attend sessions unless they think they can control and manipulate the therapist.  In that case it can be difficult to work with and sometimes not possible until there is recognition and willingness to self reflect and to acknowledge harm done.  I have been asked to attend court for people and have declined because to make a fair assessment I would have to see all parties involved.  And, it is because everyone has a story from their perspective.  That is one piece of the puzzle.   What really goes on in families?  Family therapy is about each person providing their perspective and recognizing the dynamics in the room, if that is what is wanted.  It is about listening to each other.  It is about understanding the impact one has on their immediate family and it is also about willingness to change for the sake of the family.  It is systemic.  When it comes to physical, emotional, financial and sexual abuse, that has to stop.  I have no problem with abusers going to jail.  Life is crushing to the survivors of abuse.  I attended a sexual assault course ages ago before I was a therapist.  It began with a survivor telling her story.  She grew up being raped by her father and brother throughout the years and then as an adult she reported it to the OPP Officer leading our course.  What did her mother say to the daughter after years of abuse?  “How dare you bring shame to our family.”  This was a white well to do family.  Why was this survivor able to tell her story to the policewoman?  “She never looked at her watch.”  I later asked the policewoman if she was aware of this.  She was not.  Not looking at her watch was never intentional, yet this made the difference in how much the survivor was able to reveal and reveal she did.  It is important to know that when you are raised a particular way, you think it is normal.  I was once asked if every father has sex with his child.  I said no.  Imagine a grown person thinking that is the norm?  There is also a cycle of abuse, but that can be broken.  Not everyone who is abused, abuses.  There have been survivors of abuse who only realized life could be different when they saw family shows.  These wholesome family shows is what sustained them.  In their minds, the show became their real family and support.  There is always a lot of support for those who commit crimes, but one should never take away the harm that is done and that should be criminal in my opinion and not an excuse.  I believe we need to protect society from those who cause harm and we do not by catch and release.  I do think we need some serious change, however it begins with what is happening at home.  Who is protecting the children and elderly and pets when no one sees within the family unit?  As a therapist I am obligated to report when there is child abuse or someone is going to commit suicide or cause injury to another.  How many will tell me what is really going on after that?  Yet people have a right.  However, it is not all gloom and bloom.   Children grow up and learn how to heal.  I have seen the most abused children as adults become the most caring and resilient people whose objection is to help others and cause no harm.  Sometimes, they just need a gentle reminder that they are their own person, who can make their own decisions and they do not need to be defined by others.  They are amazing people who have survived.  What do you think?

 

 

Couple Therapy

 

    I have seen couples married, 20, 30 and even 40 years.  Regardless of the amount of years, there is always a surprise of how one person feels that the other didn’t know about.  Depending on the couple, amount of sessions vary.   Even one session can help couples.  On the other hand there can be so much anxiety in the relationship, that it can take several sessions for the couple to take control of their emotions to begin the work.  Sometimes there is screaming which I do not tolerate.  If people want to work on their relationship then they need to start to communicate which includes active listening from the partner.  Slowly they can start to listen and to respond to the other equally.  All  screaming does is shut down the other person who may begin to feel traumatized.  One of the questions I ask is if there are any addictions, mental disorders, abuses etc…  When there is nothing else except the relationship, it is easy, or not.  I refuse to see any couple who isn’t serious about working on their relationship which includes giving up an affair if one exists.  It is not possible to work on a relationship if one cannot give up another lover.  I make that quite clear in the beginning and what has also happened is that the lover is not given up and the couple attempt to keep if from me.  In that case I refer them elsewhere.  I am serious about my work.  There have been times when one having an affair wants to work on the affair rather than their spouse.  Of course that won’t work.  Then there are those who don’t really want marriage therapy but attend because one is facing an alternative.  Either see the therapist with me or it is over.  When that happens, fault is normally found with the therapist by the person feeling forced.  Any fault will do, not to continue sessions.  I have found that when there isn’t much time invested in the relationship there is a tendency to end the relationship.  Sometimes people have stayed together to raise their children.  However, if people really are serious about working on their relationship, then the work begins.  How are your relationships in general? (For your info, because I am selling my house and it is staged, I cannot take any new clients at this moment. I charge 200.00 for couple therapy as well as family therapy.  I charge 80.00 for individual therapy.  Each session is 50 minutes.  I also charge $200.00 for consultations.)   redigondapsychotherapy.com.