Death and Dying - Children

I annually attend Kane Day, Take Heart, Bereavement Support Service. I missed last year for the first time, mainly because I didn’t think I would learn anything new from the talk and I feel the need to expand my knowledge for growth. However, this year I wouldn’t miss it, because it concerned children and Bereavement. The speaker Andrea Warnick, RN, MA, is a Registered Psychotherapist with a Masters degree in Thanatology ( a fancy word for death and dying). She had to go to Maryland in the USA to get that degree. I have experience with death and dying but not with a focus specific to children. Even though my interest has not been for providing services to children, as a Marriage and Family Therapist, it is often included. I find children precious little beings who need lots of healthy love, safety and routine. The first portion of the seminar was a tad disappointing because I already had learned it. There was at least one discrepancy from a word definition but that is not all that uncommon. There are different schools of thoughts and definitions are sometimes elaborated on and yes, I am going to suggest it, altered. After the long needed break which she promised would be within minutes and was not, she spoke of children and then my enthusiasm returned. She began talking about her nursing career working mostly with children with cancer. The children knew they were dying and wouldn’t talk with adults. The children would ask her if they were dying. Children as young as three would not talk about their dying so not to upset their parents. It is harder to stop children from trying to protect their parents. Parents too withhold from their partners to protect them. After working with children, she began to work with adults and found the same problems. No one wanted to talk about death. Children whose parent was dead were told, “You still have a daddy. He died but is still your dad.” “Are you not talking about dad because you’re going to make mom sad?” “You are not making them sadder.” You’re helping when talking about it.” (for this last sentence, I would check with the surviving parent first. People grieve differently and some parents may lash out in grief which would only silence the child and have the child get the message not to talk, which may unfortunately stop the child from healing). Andrea continued with being honest with children. Children need to know that the death is not contagious. Children as young as three understand the word, “mystery”. She stated that one of the biggest problems is the struggle of talking about death. People who have died in many parts of the world are kept in their homes and washed by family until burial. Andrea spoke of children feeling lonely and thinking it has only happened to them. Andrea spoke of working towards making changes. She stated that there is now a Bereavement camp for children. Children can ask any questions. Children balance joy and sorrow. Children have “grief bursts” and then goes out to play and have fun. They then returns with a child’s changing understanding. Teens - model healthy grief. Don’t preach it. Offer opportunities to connect with other teenagers in a similar situations. Be aware of the struggle for independence during a time of increased vulnerability. Children two or three years of death will understand about death. Children living on farms really understand. Be honest, use simple language - Brain tumor - say brain is stopping her from walking. A child might suggest buying a new brain. Response can be “ No unfortunately cannot do that. When a child named Stella died, all went to get cake. Body is in a box, called a casket. Head is there too. (one child asked where the head was when informed the body was in the casket). If children can speak, they are old enough to have conversation. With children, say death and dying. Don’t say lose life. Children lose toys and find them. Andrea spoke of New Orleans and the jazz funeral representing the boundary of physical bond, into the sorrow, moving through the sorrow and then celebration. Andrea spoke of death cafe’s (something I have to look up to learn more about). She mentioned The mindful Self-compassion written by Dr Kristin Nelf; utube - The power of vulnerability; also the Call to Courage. Andrea provided references: www.griefrecovery.com. It’s ok If you’re not ok by M. Devine. Andrea is also on line every Tuesday to take questions. Any errors that may be found here would be my own and not of the speaker. I found that people did talk about dying. They talked about their lives not shared with family, they talked about what they postponed and now regretted. They talked about people they loved who would do anything for them because they were dying and they would want something such as marriage, but not because they were dying. They talked about how people have treated them and they talked about how much love they were surrounded by. Others had no one, felt worthless and unloved and cared for. There were people who were only concerned if the person had money for survivors and had no other interest and there were those who had so much love who were not even family. There were those dying who would not share with others because of their shame. My own work in palliative care has been one of the most rewarding but also one of the most difficult and challenging. One more thing I would like to share comes from my grad days. I attended a talk one evening from a panel of doctors who worked with children. What struck me was how one spoke of children being more ready to die and yet not letting go because their parents wanted them to live. The problem was not with the child who was ready but for the parents not willing to let them die. Til next week.