Men and Psychotherapy

I was very surprised to read an article from an authentic source regarding men and psychotherapy. It was American, but I won’t tell you what the source is because quite frankly I found it embarrassing. It talked about female therapists and how some are intimidated by men and how men may find them not up to par if they do not provide input that they are looking for. My interest has always been therapy for men. I am not intimidated by men. I wonder what kind of experience the female therapists have that this male writer is talking about? I grew up surrounded by men and they were wonderful to me. I had always admired the solemn, peaceful exterior of therapists I meet at seminars, both women and men. However, there are times that I feel some carry the weight of the world. I recently read something I thought was fascinating and of interest to me regarding a part time position working with a specific group. However, a calm, etc….was required. God help me if I ever become so boring to myself. It was not until someone I know was complaining about a therapist who was very serious, calm etc…..that I wondered if it was an asset? “You don’t like that peaceful exterior?” I asked. “Hell, no! I wanted to shake her, to come alive.” I grinned from ear to ear. I guess some may find that boring, rather than a plus and so I will not try to change that in myself. There is a time and a place. When someone comes to you, to pour their heart and suffering, it is no time to crack a joke. They need to feel validated, heard; respected. However, it is also important to establish a relationship and humour can be important and I do not try to take that away from me. I find that the majority of people who seek help, really want to feel less sad, less suicidal, get back on track with their relationships etc….They need to find someone who they feel comfortable with, because statistically, the relationship they have with their therapist is more important than their knowledge, for the client. There are men out there who get raped, are emotionally, physically, financially and sexually abused by both men and women. I have found that when some abusive women are the breadwinners and control the finances it is sometimes men who suffer. They have the additional burden of living in a stereotypical society where they are supposed to “be the man”, “man up”; “don’t be a pussy.” Men call the police as well for abuse but not as often in my experience. They are not taken as serious as women when they call or they are afraid because the abusive women tell them that they will claim to be the one attacked. There are women right now in Toronto knocking on doors and telling men that they want money and if they are not given the money, they will call the police and say they were sexually assaulted. Unfortunately the men I know of always give the money, though I strongly recommend that they don't. The Police are not stupid. There is always the element of truth. There are all sorts of support groups for women and I know there is not an equivalent amount for men because I cannot find them for men when I search. One support group leader said I was the second person who called in a week looking for a specific support group for a male, that she thought that perhaps it should be considered. Perhaps? You think? Of course I did not say that. I believe in equality with no favouritism toward one group or another. I was surprised to read in that article that men do not go as often for help as women. I have spent a life time with men who have lots to say. I have heard their pain and their struggles. I have seen great men not get custody of children simply because of the work that they do. There are great moms out there but there are also great dads. There are some lousy dads and there are certainly lousy moms. Children need love, security and consistency. Both parents can provide this but not when they are fighting. What they are teaching children is what a relationship looks like. I was about 10 years old when I learned that not all parents loved each other openly like my own. As my parents walked holding hands, my friends could not understand it. I learned what love is for a couple at a very young age. Reading that article about female qualified therapists not being comfortable helping men was disturbing because that is about half of the population. So, let's all get comfortable. I have seen some men in religious organizations uncomfortable with women. I have seen some avoid women as if they are temptresses. We are not so different. Research shows that male and female babies are treated differently. They may be in my notes somewhere which I will eventually share. I surprised myself when I realized that I treat my female pet more delicately than my male. So, what does that tell me about myself? However, I gave train sets to female children rather than dolls. The other day I was downtown and an elderly woman was wearing a T shirt that yelled, “women should be in the home” (or stay in the home). I couldn’t help but chuckle when I saw that because it is so absurd to me in this day and age. She did not look like a happy camper. She has internalized the norm for her time. I think it is wonderful if a woman wants to stay in a home, as long as that is what she wants. I think the same of a man who wants to, if that is what he wants. There are all sorts of people who have an opinion and that is what needs to be compromised and balanced, in a relationship. Is it practical and affordable to stay in the home for one parent? Views vary according to life experiences, good and bad, education, aging etc….So, if a student feels uncomfortable providing help for men, get in there full force, as a student focusing on men, unless they will not be part of your therapy inclusion. But as a qualified therapist, start getting very comfortable in the company of men. We all suffer - regardless of gender.