Men and Families - Rethinking Domestic Violence: The First experiences of First Nations and Inuit Men in Quebec Canada by Drs L. Ellington and R. Brassard, University of Laval, Canada. Both are from the School of Social Work and Criminology. notes

Indigenous men - (54% + women 61% ) are likely of being a victim in their lifetime than non-indigenous men and women (36% + 44 % respectively). 29/39 men served time for crimes in provincial or Federal prisons (in Quebec). Men who were interviewed had 0-10 children. From the men’s perspective - at present, deeply scarred from the past, colonialism and imposition of patriarchal structures. Experiences of violence from an early age. There are underlying issues and other social problems. Men as victims is a label which is hard to take on. Pride - “ we are supposed to be warriors and to protect wife.” “I have a lot of pride, - also children - they will lose their mom (this is from men who are physically abused by their wives). Most were unemployed. Three or four were working. From 29 from 59. They were able to connect if men went to prison to protect life or there is nothing else going on. Many of the men were in prison. When police attend it is easier for them to claim responsibility and let the child stay with their mothers. They know what prison is like, several were there before. The main reason is to maintain family structure. How do I feel about this? Men going to jail so their wives don’t is not what I consider justice. If women are abusing their husbands, wives will probably abuse their children. Men are accepting blame, but if this is recognized as a problem then it needs to be looked at closer. Are the men showing physical symptoms of abuse? Just last week I heard on the news that in Quebec, which is a province of Canada, it was determined that half of the children in the Foster system are Indigenous and that this is a problem. I would agree and was surprised. How do we help families to heal? I am glad that the University of Laval has taken an interest. It is much needed. Any errors here as usual are my responsibility only.

The Internet Murders www.silvaredigonda.ca

Mrs. Delany went to retrieve the cheese and cold cuts as well as those black and green olives that some parishioners had brought. Everyone from the parish heard that someone had killed the old priest, so many had brought food. She carefully brought out the home-made bread and cut generous portions. She would let them make their own sandwiches. This way they could make the sandwich as big or small as they liked and choose their own favourite meats and cheese. She brought out the fruit and cake and of course her scones and Devon cream. Fr. Francis was very happy to see To. She was so pleased. They were all munching away. Philip took an instant liking to Fr. Francis. He had a warmth about him that was inviting and non-judgemental. Philip did not believe in God, but if he did, then this would be a person he would feel comfortable with, learning about God. “To, do you know anything about who killed Fr. Brown? I had known him since university. He was my professor and mentor, and throughout the years became a close friend.” “It’s with homicide, Francis. A detective Sergeant named Robert Bennet is in charge of the investigation. He is good.” “Thanks To. If you say he is good, than he is.” Philip was surprised. This Fr. Francis knew Tomasso well. He knew he was no one’s fool. Tomasso continued, “It’s been a strange week. A girl was killed and a man was found dead two blocks away, near Casa Loma. We just came from the hospital where another girl was attacked. You know Francis, I think they are all connected. And at each place there are no cameras. Whoever did this, it is premeditated. I am sure that this is the beginning and that there will be no cameras …. And now here, a priest killed in the church. Francis, you don’t have cameras in the Church do you?” “No, To. I don’t.”

Excerpt From: Silva Redigonda. “The Internet Murders.” www.silvaredigonda.ca

Who Am I? Who are you? Happy Valentine!!!!!!!!!!

I have been printing out a stress test, activities to improve your spirits and creating a special place, for a Health Fair I will have a booth at. I have also ordered pens to give out with my pretty picture and number; web site. I don't normally attend health fairs, preferring the Book world, such as Word on the Street, but the opportunity arose, so well, it can't hurt. Most of my clients find me on Psychology Today, through my associations or my web site - www.redigondapsychotherapy.com. My books, well as I have informed you, I need to put more work in that. Today I received something from Amazon in Spanish, so I do have to get my house in order regarding where I am selling my books. Today is Valentine's Day and I love this day. It is a day of flowers, normally chocolate and of course love. What I found today as I was searching what else I could print out was a reflection of "Who Am I?" This was a question that was becoming the norm to me, so I had given it a lot of thought. There was one person, the head of her department, who later ran for a cushy post, was fired which I did not find sad at all because she had fired so many departments, people herself. There is a saying of be nice to those you meet on your way up, because you may meet them on your way down. Anyhow, she asked us that question and when I told her who I was, she argued or rather informed me that the answer was not accurate. I did find her annoying. So, this is what I am going to say to you. Think about who you are, and don't let other people dictate to you, who you are. What I have found throughout my time as a therapist is that people really suffer, because people are always telling them who they are. I help those who suffer to discover themselves and cut out the noise which can penetrate and hurt. Take the time today, to love yourself. I want to wish you a Happy Valentine. I posted what I wrote some time ago, when I was starting out in this career. I was in three programs. I was doing my Masters, working on becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist with AAMFT, and Pastoral Counselling. I was really, really busy. I am sharing this with you. All the people, who I mention below are now dead, so it was nice reading this and remembering how significant these people were in my life. It may inspire you, or it may not. There have been many more since, some too have died. Covid was a killer and cancer as well. Enjoy and next week I want to post something from one of the lectures. Have a wonderful weekend. Who I am today is a reflection of all the people who have touched me in some way. Who I am today is a taste of the different cultures I have experienced. Who I am today is a testament of my country, service to country and service to God. I am still growing into who I am finally to become. I am on a continuous journey. My mother, my friend and priest, the mothers of two childhood friends of mine, and an old policeman, were all significant in that journey of who I am. My mother was the most important figure in my life. She taught me that prejudice existed and was wrong. She taught me that the world was mine to explore and I could achieve whatever I wanted in it. She taught me the beauty of nature as we explored it. She taught me the joy of having and respecting pets. She taught me that people should not be judged by what they owned but by what was in their hearts. Mrs Rielley and Mrs Varty both deceased were very influential in my life. Mrs Rielley was an ex nun, ex high school teacher and highly educated for her time. She had a brilliant mind. I remember helping her to sort through her personal papers and helping her determine what was important to keep. As important as cleanliness was for my mother, Mrs Rielley didn't care how neat her house was. She was a pack rack. She held on to everything. I remember reading some of her stories and poetry and wondering why she never published her work. She was sharp, witty, funny and had an explosive personality. You never wanted to cross Mrs Rielley. She was Irish, through and through. She complimented me, scolded me, loved me, appreciated my visits and became another mother to me. Mrs Varty was a simple woman. She loved her husband and daughter who was my friend. And she loved me. She was my second mom. My mother was a perfectionist. She had no tolerance for error or failure. My mother wished me to remain forever her small girl, whom she could mold. Whenever I resisted I lost favour. Mrs Varty on the other hand always accepted me. It didn't matter how I was dressed or how I did in school. Mrs Varty simply loved and I was so fortunate to have been privy to that love. She was proud of me. Fr MacFarlene I met later in life. I was in my twenties and working in Europe. He was our chaplain. I met him through work. I was a Military Policewoman and searching for a man who had been stealing cars and driving them into the Rhine River. I expected to find him dead. I was waiting for the Padre so we could go and interview the suspect's pregnant wife. It was a formality. I was to find the suspect and lock him up, he was to console. I remember when I saw him. He entered the Police station, his adrenaline flowing. I was a distance away and gave a short chuckle. Father MacFarlene was human. He wanted to provide solace but he was naturally excited as well. After all the character I was searching for had caused quite a stir in the area. Father MacFarlene and I slowly, through the years grew close, as two people who grow older together do. Since we were both in the Military, our paths met often. The military creates a bond among soldiers that I never experienced since retiring. It was he who asked me to ask God to believe in him when I claimed I could not believe that there is a God. I did and I eventually began to believe again. Donny, the old policeman had more years in the Toronto Police force than I had in years of life. He was one of the warmest and most caring people I had ever met. He had compassion for everyone he met. It was he who made me realize that if over 32 years on the police force didn't make him cold, than who was I to think that I had become resistant to feelings. All these people kept me grounded. I have been so fortunate to have been cared for and loved by these people. My mother now is in a home. Father MacFarlene now is in the early stages of a mental degenerating disease, common in his family. He thinks that we have not spoken for ages when we speak more often. He forgets that I am to visit. He forgets…… These people have directed me, encouraged me, praised me, healed me. These people have balanced each other so that I can become balanced. These people have given me their best so that I can have the courage to be the best that I can be. These people have instilled values in me and with their long years of commitment, I too have learned commitment. I almost forgot and why because she too was important to me in my later years, Prof Yawney. It was she who taught me humility. A woman who wrote books she considered too boring for me to read, awards she went to the States to receive, yet dismissed their importance. Prof Yawney was an expert in court for cases of Racism, her eulogy indicated. She was my teacher in University as Mother Mary Joseph was in my junior years. Yes, as I write more people come to mind who inspired me, who made a difference in my life, who lead and formed me. They were there for me directing me on my journey onwards.

Hermeneutics - Theology notes continues - Eschatology

Think of this image: Heaven at the top, Present in the centre, Past at the far left, Future at the Far Right and Hell at the bottom. Principals of Interpretations. The definition of hermeneutics: suspicion, that truth is not clear. We are inundated in our age, by the Masters of Suspicion. The Masters are: 1. Nietsche 2. Marx 3. Freud. Let’s start with Freud. All religious beliefs derive. Living in an age of secularization. Psychological drive. Marx: reduces to political. Christians have used God to keep people in their places. Behind this is Eschatology - for next life. Vatican 11, para 43, “They are mistaken.” Nietsche: Another form to power. You don’t need religion, one can stand on your own two feet. It is a cop out. These views are still prevalent today. The second principal to keep in mind is the human experience. Eschatology. The Holy - 1. Fascination, 2. Terror. The return to religious experience. Carl Reiner: Consolation without a cause. Dermet Lune: The need to ground, as per people’s religious experience. John Webster: Eschatology responsible in its control, but not to its concepts. This means that each age questions. The third principal (in respect to hermeneutics). Eschatological is often symbolic. Keep in mind it may be metaphorical. Story of doubting Thomas - stick fingers in the wound, asking for proof and gets it. Eschatological language - a finality to human history. It’s only an approximate. Theological - Jesus Christ, risen, is the hope of the world and future to come. Resurrection is the acorn of the oak tree of the resurrection to come. 2nd Principal - God of Creation is God of final, of believers, all eternal life is something initiated in this life. One of the messages of Mary - what is sown on earth, is seen in heaven. Think of veil. 3rd Principal - Discontinuity of our mortal life and the eschaton. The action of God in creation and salvation. One eternal life is not to be seen as a continuation of this life to other. There is a finality here and a promise of the divine in the next. There is a discontinuity. To be continued.

The Internet Murders www.silvaredigonda.ca / amazon

Mrs. Delany did not like cats, especially in the house and never on a table. Fr. Francis was not a real saint, though he seemed to be, so many times. However, she had not heard Fr. Francis laugh in such a long time. God had sent Holy Terror to help him and who was she to argue with God. She would have to find out what they ate. In the meantime, there was some tuna …. She found an old soup bowl that was never used and poured some milk into it. She slowly bent to carefully place it on the floor. Fr. Francis moved quickly to help her. “Please let me help.” He took the milk bowl from Mrs. Delany and placed it at the entrance to the kitchen from his room. He then retrieved the tuna dish and placed it next to the milk. “Please allow me Mrs. Delany; it is much easier for me to bend.” Mrs. Delany smiled. Her sight wasn’t very good anymore, and it was difficult for her to bend, but she could manage. She knew that the Holy Terror was good for Fr. Francis. He seemed happier than he had been since they killed poor Fr. Brown. Holy Terror peeked around the corner from Fr. Francis’ bedroom and cautiously went to taste the milk. The cat devoured the tuna in no time and then just sat there grinning. Holy Terror knew this was now home. There was a ring at the door and Mrs. Delany went to answer it. She saw the two uniformed policemen outside and she welcomed them in. They trailed behind her into the kitchen, where Francis was seated. Tomasso spoke in his bellowing voice, breaking the silence in the room. “Francis, this here is my partner Philip.” Mrs. Delany thought that the shorter, fat man was rude “calling Francis by his first name only, without giving him the proper respect he deserved. That was until she saw Fr. Francis smile broadly, welcoming them both to sit down. What a strange day it was! Fr. Francis was getting better. What with a cat in the house now that she would have to tolerate, and the shorter fat policeman that Father seemed to like, things would probably get better. Mrs. Delany silently thanked God for answering her prayers. She wanted God to hold Fr. Francis in his arms and protect him. She prayed this every morning and every night and sometimes she prayed for it during the day. “To!” He shortened Tomasso’s name using a long vowel to pronounce the shorter version. “It’s been a while!” “Yeah! How about some food? You got any food here?” He looked down at the saucer of milk. “You gotta cat?” “Mrs. Delany, I want you to meet Tomasso. He and I went to grade school and high school together. Please bring out some food and we will all have something to eat!” Excerpt From: Silva Redigonda. “The Internet Murders.” www.silvaredigonda.ca and Amazon (for your signed copy)

Thoughts of the Week

This morning I was watching the news and I read that President Biden had lashed out at some committee for questioning him about his son, who had died, in relation to probing Biden's memory. Then I saw something on Facebook with some post questioning Biden's memory. We are in the age of nothing is like it seems especially on Face book, so I disregard most of what I read on social media. I do not discount the news. My first impression of what I heard and read on my television about the President, is who are these people? Why would anyone think that they can question this man in such a manner. Just this week I attended a funeral service. It was here in Canada but the deceased had one daughter who served in the the U.S.A. military and a husband suffering very much after more than 30 years with his beloved wife. After, we all attended a marvoulous buffet. A person sitting next to me said that there is no greater suffering than the death of a spouse. I corrected the person. Nothing is worse than a parent suffering the death of a child. So, when I heard of this interrogation of a man, let alone the President, my first thoughts were this is unethical, uncalled for and cruel. So, later when the President lashed out saying how dare they, I agreed. There are tests available to determine the mental health and memory of a person. It is becoming tiresome, listening to politicians talk about what they know nothing about. It is not only politicians annoying me. Bell Canada which is not Canadian, the last time I checked is laying off many people. This isn't the first time they have done that. They own the news station as well, CP 24. They are eliminating many positions and one government called them out. They said that they have to do this because they are losing money. The politician said they are making millions or billions. I believe it was the latter. Don't forget that the objective now is to make trillions which is about ten years away. So, more people will have no work because of greed. Also, this week some councellor in Pickering which is about a half hour drive outside Toronto was questioning Black History Month. She thinks it should be eliminated or changed to History month. The Mayor has questioned this as hate and is furious. The province is changing what it is going to teach. It wants to start teaching about the Holocaust and also about the contribution of what the Black community has brought to Canada. I would go further than that and think it should be contributions globally and the suffering. What I don't understand is that I learned all this in grade school. I was a child and remember learning about how horrible all this was. Why did they stop? Why do we have such an ignorant society? During the attack and kidnapping of Israeli's by Hamas there was controversy about what a politician with the Provincial NDP party wrote on social media - Anti semitism was obvious. She was called on it, silenced and given the boot. I agreed with the results. When the Terrorists (such worms)kidnapped and killed so many innocents and sent video's to their parents so they could watch them die, I wondered how anyone could think that it is ok. It is not. I also thought, they picked on the wrong country and knew so many innocent people would die. That is a big problem. Innocents, especially children die needlessly. What we are killing are children who will never have the opportunity to be the next Einstein, doctor, parent etc....We are killing needlessly. Then we have Russian, again a canidate has recently been rejected in Russia as a candidate because he wants to stop the war. I won't even talk about China or North Korea, or Iran and all these terrorists sponsored of course from nasty leaders. Then I heard on the news how we as a planet have reached the 1.5 threshold of global warming. Again, leaders have failed and this time, unless something changes drastically, our planet will retaliate. Someone some time ago told me that I think everyone is stupid. I do not. Nor, do I think intelligence is most important. Give me the choice to converse with someone who is kind or a genius, I choose kindness. However, when I see the greed, need for power and the manipulation of people for self fullfilling drives, that is not in the best interest of the world, I may give that impression. My dream is of peace. We should all be working together to achieve that. We should unite and instead of making weapons, we should be working on saving this lovely planet. We need to take better care of each other and stop all this hatred that I am seeing all too often. It has been positive in my work and private life. I am so happy with my book "Ominous". I see people healing all the time. Mr Attitude keeps me laughing. So, what am I going to do this weekend? I am going for a massage, going to get my hair done, have a nice meal, finish reading a good book and enjoy my life. Why not be nice to at least one person this week whom you normally find annoying. What do you think? Have a great weekend.

Sibling Therapy - by Dr Karen Lewis - notes

This was an hour and a half interactive talk about sibling therapy by Dr Karen Lewis held by the Ontario Association of Couple and Family Therapy. Would I recommend her? Yes. She has over 50 years of experience and anyone in this line of work for that long should get an award. (speaking of awards, what did you think of the Grammy’s?) Dr Lewis is very amiable. She has a book entitled Sibling Therapy: The Ghost from Childhood that haunt your client’s love and work. I have to make a point of reading it. She is an International speaker and delightful. She has been inundated with referrals and wants more people to work with siblings. She needs more people to be doing this. For this talk she wanted to discuss no more than two siblings because she feels it is too complicated with more for the time we had. She has worked with up to 10 siblings (I have worked with about a maximum of 6 and sometimes with a parent or two). She indicated that the ghosts- the holidays and the images of children from childhood never age. This effects how siblings perceive each other as children which can be negative or positive. Eg. Brother, five years of age and sister, three years of age. Client can see a hand or something and react to the brother as when they were young. On the other hand if a brother is on a pedestal, there is only one way to go. She is not seeing her sibling as he is now. This is not fair to him or her. We were watching slides where as a youth an older brother has his hand on his sisters shoulder. This will be remembered even when the sister is 80 or 90. When the brother is seen as mean, this will also be remembered. Parents assign the roll of the child. This may be as the trouble maker, the good and bad child, funny or protector, the lazy one. There is nothing wrong with roles unless it becomes crystallized. Sometimes parents do this for the best of intentions. Eg. Playing hockey - the parent urges the child who isn’t as good as the sibling to try something else. The message is competition is not good. Females with eating disorders - If competition is not allowed than one goes underground. Usually with two sisters, one doesn’t know she is being competed against. For example one sister may be smart, the other thinks, I may not be smart, but I can be thinner. This leads to polar opposites. Dr Lewis asked us how many remembered Jimmy Carter’s brother. Jimmy Carter was President, the good boy, smart and successful. His brother - an alcoholic. Has gone down. This is common among actors. Sarah was an incredible choreographer. She kept going to auditions, was successful but always quit. As the younger sister, it was determined that she couldn’t be successful if her older sister wasn’t. The more one held herself back, the other did as well. Healthy loyalty is not bad. Then there is unhealthy loyalty. It involves accepting parents rules, roles and expectations, often passed down generations. She has seen it traced back to five generations. Maintaining unhealthy loyalty is unconscious. There were two children who fought a lot. “I was the golden boy; I had great friends and became a failure at 12 th grade.” What was the sister like? She was terrible. When he started being a failure, she got better. She diagnosed him with unhealthy loyalty. (I don’t believe that is a disorder with the DSM, but a good assessment with this kind of language). After three sessions, the brother was able to see it. These feelings got transferred into people in their lives. Siblings are the first peer relationships, the first marriage. Childhood can be a laboratory for how children relate - learn or didn’t learn to co-operate to move from one loving and fighting. It is also a time to learn when to exert power and when to withdraw. Manipulation, tattle telling, that is what we learn as a child and pull it up, what we learned and didn’t learn with a spouse. It can lead to sibling transference in love relationships. Her own brother had a particular look when he was mad. She went somewhere and knocked on the door. The man who came to the door had that same look, that made her scared. This pattern can be broken. Assessing for a sibling connection. - Is stuck in a unhealthy role in one or more relationships or has a pattern of unhealthy connections. Is having marital problems, keeps losing a job, being fired, quiting, difficulty with co workers, has few friends or dysfunctional and feels isolated. If as a therapist you are stuck, talk about siblings. What would your sibling do in this situation? How is your sibling’s marriage? Who makes the most money and has the most prestige? Twins - younger or older? Always called the twins. ADD maybe not identified and has nothing to do with sibling. That is all for this portion. I looked up Dr Lewis’ book and it sells for about $40+ for hardcover but it is about half price for an ebook. I prefer holding books in my hands. I do think her book is worth reading and will probably do so myself. If you have been reading my blogs, you would have remembered a Psychologist, now living in Italy. He said he would love to bring the entire family in for sessions and I am the same. I have seen the dynamics so different if it is therapy for one person, for a couple, for siblings and siblings with parents, etc….This is why I will not go to court. I don’t think we get the entire picture because it is so systemic. When I talk more about the Men’s Conference, there will be some attitude from at least one lawyer regarding what he thinks about therapists. I understand, the therapist is not supporting what you want to hear in support of your client. I shall wait until, it comes up to add more. For now, even though the book may be considered expensive for about 230 pages or so, it may help you understand your sibling(s). I find this work very fulfilling and satisfying. When you see people struggle in such unhealthy ways without realizing why, and you get them to step away from themselves, it is quite rewarding. Again, I want to add that any errors here are not that of Dr Lewis, but myself. I have big shoulders. Take care.