One of my earlier papers in Theology......In the spirit of Easter

My Journey of Prayer and Desire By Silva Redigonda Lord, make me an instrument of your peace Where there is hatred, let me sow love, Where there is injury, pardon, Where there is doubt, faith, Where there is despair, hope, Where there is darkness, light, Where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek To be consoled as to console, To be understood as to understand, To be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive, It is in pardoning that we are pardoned, And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen The Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi My Journey of Prayer and Desire Prayer and Desire has been a journey. I will demonstrate how prayer and desire has changed throughout my life and how it reflects who I am today. During my young life, I had a natural acceptance of God. I said my personal prayers in bed, aided by my mother at my side. I prayed for family, alive or dead, and everyone in the world. School and the Church taught me to pray in rote. When alone as a child, I would look up at the heavens and talk excitedly to God about anything. Franciscan Prayer indicates that Monastic ""rule"" …the law of prayer is the law of belief. If I use distant and remote language to speak to God then I imagine that God is distant and remote." God was up in heaven when I was a child but he was as real to me as the clock ticking in front of me. I did consider God, male as Delio, p55, makes mention. "If I use male language to speak to God than I will imagine that God is male." I did not think of God as desire at this stage in my life for God was just there, as everything else was for me. I just accepted. As a teenager, I became distraught at the state of the world. It seemed that wars, destruction, poverty and prejudice did not make sense. How could a God allow this to happen? How could God not stop this? I stopped praying. I had no desire to pray, but I did feel something missing in my life in the process. It was desire. Distraction in Prayer: Blessing or Curse reveals that stopping prayer is exactly what evil wants, "we should not be disturbed nor should we abandon prayer, which is exactly what the devil wants us to do. For the most part all the trials and disturbances comes from our not understanding ourselves [IV.1.9]." As a young adult, I had a career where I was introduced to evil. As I kept bumping into evil, I found myself thinking that there must be a polar opposite. I respected the Catholic Church that nurtured me as a child. My faith returned to me slowly. Believing in God was a struggle. It was definitely a journey. My search has ended. My desire fulfilled. Where am I now? I did not think that distractions, while praying was common until I took this course. I thought that perhaps I was doing something wrong when my mind wandered. Sr. Seelaus, p 2, reveals, "Distractions offer genuine openings to a fuller life in God." I no longer consider the distractions a hindrance. I feel more comfortable with my relationship with God. I feel close to God in prayer when I serve Holy Communion and bless the children and adults who come for blessings. I feel close to God when I receive communion myself especially when I feel the warmth of Jesus going throughout my core. Never have I felt as close to God as I do now in this present mature state. I have reached that stage that I can pray in rote, talk to God, hear God and just enjoy the silence of being with him. Now I understand that this silence which I enjoy so much is contemplative prayer. Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening, defines contemplative prayer. "Contemplative prayer is simply a wordless, trusting opening of self to the divine presence." John of the Cross indicates, ""Silence is God's first language."" Bourgeault, pg 5. Yes, I enjoy the silence as I look out at the sky feeling God beside me. What can be nicer? My life has been a prayer journey. I am at a mature level in my life and it is my desire that my relationship with God continues to remain strong and that I do not reverse to doubt. It is my desire for God to guide me. I have done everything I wanted to do in my life. Now I want to do what God wants me to do. Yes, I still think of God as male, though I realize that God is a spirit, without gender. I visualize God as part of this world and sense God near me, and Christ, and the Holy Spirit as well as my Guardian Angel who has protected me so. God in prayer is so much more than me, that to conjure an accurate image is beyond me because I am so limited in my concepts and intelligence. When I realize that desire is a metaphor it all comes together for me and I understand. Sheldrake's emphasizes, that "desire is a metaphor for the whole process of journeying into God and, at the same time, the need to transcend the limitations of our images of God. Desire is…a metaphor for choosing from within myself rather than from outside myself." I understand that my journey of prayer has been my desire. Delio, p35, simplifies desire, "Prayer is desire." My journey of Prayer and Desire is a transition that has not completed itself. My journey is a Franciscan journey. It is "a journey inwards toward a new relationship with God in which God takes on flesh anew in one's life…God has come to us." Delio, 55. What inspires me at this point in my life is God. I want to serve in doing good things for people. To help them seek peace and comfort. Prayer effects how I relate to others and to the world because I have asked for guidance and have received it finding myself on a new journey, towards a service to God. As I grow older, this desire to help others grows stronger. At this stage in my journey, I smile at the small child who had the ease of knowing God. I understand the confused teenager who turned her back on God. I nurture the young woman who returned to God not knowing God was her desire. I welcome myself as my journey of prayer and desire continues on this road towards God in the service of others. BIBLIOGRAPHY Bourgeault, Cynthia. Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening. Cambridge,MA: Cowley Publications, 2004. Delio, Ilia. Franciscan Prayer.Cincinnati,Ohio: St. Anthony Messenger Press, 2004. Seelaus, Vilma. Distractions in Prayer:Blessings or Curse? St. Paul's NY: Alba House, 2005. Sheldrake, Philip. Befriending our Desires. Toronto: Novalis, Toronto, 2001.

ADOLESCENTS COPING WITH MOM’S BREAST CANCER: DEVELOPING FAMILY INTERVENTION PROGRAMS (critical paper from a research course at Guelph University)

ADOLESCENTS COPING WITH MOM’S BREAST CANCER: DEVELOPING FAMILY INTERVENTION PROGRAMS Silva Redigonda INTRODUCTION Research Question: How are African American and Caucasian adolescents affected by their mothers’ breast cancer treated in the last two years? How do African American and Caucasian adolescents think future intervention programs should be designed? What are the aims of the paper? The abstract indicates that the purpose was to gain a deeper understanding of how adolescents are affected by their mothers’ breast cancer and to discover their opinions about how future intervention programs should be designed. But the introduction more specifically indicates that the purpose of this study is to elicit opinions from an ethnically diverse group of adolescents about the effects of maternal breast cancer on their lives and to discover their opinions about how future intervention programs should be designed. This may be construed as a contradiction. The paper under the heading of Aims of the Study indicates that “the purpose of this study was to investigate adolescents’ thoughts on and experiences with a mother who had been treated for breast cancer in the last two years.”(p 250) METHODOLOGY This is a pilot study which is a small-scale study conducted prior to conducting an actual experiment; designed to test and refine procedures. When the researcher has decided on all the specific aspects of the procedure, it is possible to conduct a pilot study in which the researcher does a trial run with a small number of participants. The pilot study will reveal whether participants understand the instruction, whether the total experimental setting seems plausible, whether any confusing questions are being asked etc..Such procedures provide the researcher with an opportunity to make any necessary changes in the procedure before doing the entire study. Reference: Cozby Paul, Methods in Behavioral Research, 9th ed. McGraw-Hill Comp. New York, 2007 pp 181-182, 383) I believe that the model used was the interpretive model. This stems from qualitative research. The study consisted of three focus groups according to the paper: The first focus group comprised of four Caucasian adolescents (gender not specified) but deduced from information provided as two females and two males. The second focus group had two African American females The third focus group comprised of two African American females and two African male adolescents. with a total of 10 adolescents ranging from 13 to 18 years of age (five males and five females consisting of four Caucasian and six African Americans). The six African American adolescents has been determined for focus group two and three. Of the remaining four adolescents who are Caucasian, we know that two are female. Therefore the remaining two Caucasian adolescents in the first focus group is male. The report indicates that the focus groups were “split” along racial lines with Caucasian and African American in each focus group. All the African American adolescents are identified as being in group two and three. Each adolescent has a mother who had been treated with a stage of 0 to lll breast cancer within the last two years. Six set of parents were married, one mother remarried and three African American mothers were divorced and single parents. Three of the adolescent girls (two Caucasian and one African American) had mothers who were initially diagnosed five to 15 years earlier. It is not specified if the mothers were Caucasian and African American the same as their children. Nor is it known which adolescent is connected to who’s mother. Therefore this study cannot be replicated. It should be noted that each adolescent indicated that the reason she/he was participating because of the mother’s encouragement. Did the teens therefore feel they were coerced? Two female moderators conducted each focus group. At least one moderator’s was matched with each participant group, that being Caucasian or African American. What was consistent is that one Caucasian moderator was in each of the three focus groups. Since there were two moderators in each group and one is African American than it can be presumed that at least two moderators, one Caucasian and one African American were in the study. Wording cannot conclude that there were not more than two moderators. Each focus group was provided with a guided discussion and seven questions pertaining to “parental cancer”. Questions were asked within the same order. This occurred between 2002 and 2003. More specific dates are not provided. Recurrent themes were determined and developed with a definition for each. These categories were derived independently by three of the five coauthors. To be classified as a major theme, at least one half of the adolescents interviewed (five) had to report such. RESULTS The four Caucasian teenagers two male and two females, who had mothers currently in treatment for stage II or III breast cancer responded with intense sadness, worries, and fears about their mothers’ prognosis. All six African American teenagers having mothers with stage 0, I and II breast cancer, minimized current worries or fears and stated no current concerns about their mothers’ breast cancer. All of the adolescent males seemed less expressive when asked about their feelings and ways of coping and relied more on distraction, keeping busy and athletics. The African American females tended to keep to their normal routines as much as possible, tried not to think about it, and were less expressive. The Caucasian females talked more about the importance of sharing their feelings with others, writing, and other mediums of expression. African American males and female tended to go to church more often and to pray daily to cope. All adolescents talked about seeing their mothers vulnerable during the cancer treatments. All were more affectionate and helped out by cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing clothes and protecting their mothers by making sure they were eating well and sleeping. The oldest adolescents in their families reported taking on the most responsibility at home during their mothers’ treatment. Parents often relied on the eldest to care for younger siblings and to take on additional household responsibilities. Adolescents coped with faith, humour, talking with others, distraction, thinking positively and keeping busy in athletics or other activities. Regarding support, all adolescents said having a teen group close to diagnosis (within four months) would have been an asset. They wanted to be fully informed sooner rather than later regarding the treatment, expectations, etc..It would be better to have a mixed group of boys and girls close to diagnosis and similar ages, don’t talk down to them, boys may not feel comfortable exposing their feelings with females present, female and male therapist at a younger age would have been preferred. Listen to the teenagers more; and have families come together as a group. Regarding “Research on how to help their children is absent.”(American Cancer Society, 2003).P 248. I contacted the American Cancer Society and they sent me the paper via email (www.cancer.org/docroot/STT/stt_0_2003. This paper has 52 pages. Yet the reference page was never provided. I did not see such reference as noted by the researcher. Does the Researcher therefore mean that she did not see the mentioned research in this paper? Pages 41 and 43 of the reference does offer resources and publications offering practical and emotional support for families. There are also books during the time of this research available for support. Note below. Coping with breast cancer, and helping your children do the same, is an ongoing process. If you want to read more about supporting children, some books you might find helpful are: McCue, K. (1994). How to Help Children though a Parent’s Serious Illness. St. Martin’s Griffin: New York. Harpham,W. (2004). When a Parent has Cancer:A Guide to Caring for your Children. HarperCollins: New York. There were assumptions which I think restricts the researcher in thought. All avenues should be open and disproved by evidence. For example “Although African American women have a 13% lower incidence of newly diagnosed breast cancer, as compared with Caucasian women, they have a higher death rate.” This is likely due……If the answers were posed as questions stemming from grounded research it would have deserved merit. Opinions are not valid for research. There are too many factors to consider. Chapter five of our text indicates that if a group has fewer than 6 people it can be hard at times to generate a diversity of ideas (focus groups in this study were four, two and four). Each focus group was well below the minimum recommendation for each focus group. Even the adolescents had to inform the researchers of what they already should have known as indicated earlier in bold.

Going to Niagara Falls in Ontario Canada? Check this out and be cautious. Shameful

The Ref (1994) - Therapy Session (This was a video clip shown in a prelude of dealing with difficult couples) one swear word in it.

Writers Corner First Official corner from me to you people, all over the world. Each corner of it.

Ok, this will be my official Start of my Writer’s Corner. How many hats must I wear? Well, for now I am blogging my notes from my schooling in psychology, theology and notes from conferences. Now I am also beginning my Writers Corner. I belong to the Sisters in Crime here in Toronto and the States. I am also with Canadian Crime Writers. I have attended their meetings when I can and it is of interest. So, I shall be sharing their stuff for you as well. Here I will be speaking to people who love books, want to write and want to sell their own books. I am trying to balance my life more so I can practice what I preach. As you know I have written three books and now Ominous is completed with a short start to two others. This year I decided not to have my own booth at Word on the Street because it was simply too expensive. I also have to get a smart phone just to park at my old school grounds at the University of Toronto. Unfortunately my phone is not smart. I would hesitate to say he is stupid. He has served me well. He is loyal to me but unfortunately my loyalty as limitations in the world we live in. Just to go to York University to park I will also need a smart phone. Why can’t we just be flexible? I have never been one to keep up with the Jones. My car is on its’ last legs and I was forbidden by my car mechanic to drive it out of the city. I am forever hoping that they don’t ground it, like they did my last car. Having a nice car doesn’t work in Toronto because they (the bad guys) steal them. They just caught four so that was nice. Anyhow, back to my corner. I attended a Sisters talk by Zoom in Northern California. The sister spoke of zoom bombs which are fake emails and people. Oh, boy. One of our sisters said that when an Author’s book came out six years ago she didn’t know what to do. I am not identifying the sister because I don’t know if it is ok to share this story, so if you don’t know who the sister is then it should be ok. Now, one thing you should know is though we are called Sisters in Crime, men like it too, so they are members as well. Now Rule of 7 book promotion is - Getting your name out there. So, here I am trying to get my rule 7 of getting my name out there. I am Silva Redigonda and my books may be bought at www.silvaredigonda.ca . What is Rule 1 - 6? No clue. There may be no 1-6 rule because you see my American sister said a person needs to see it 7 times before buying it. Ok, that is all from that talk right now. If you wrote a book remember you must sound like a parrot and people need to see it 7 times before buying. So, now you can forgive me. I hope, for my little paragraphs here and there about each book works for you. That is all for today. I want you to remember the Rule of 7 book promotion. I rest my case. What do you think? Please be kind.

Effective Systemic Approaches to resolve high conflict co-parenting. Keys to success. Notes from AAMFT Conference

5% to 10% of divorces with children have conflict relationships. Contributing factors: high conflict; emotional reactivity; negative attributions; exaggeration of parental differences; excessive court filings and litigation. Common problems: Justifying actions, blaming etc… Help them in how they can be different for the children. Intervention Point: - pre separation - post separation/pre-divorce - post divorce. Children benefit from relationships with both parents. 2. Children benefit from parent cooperatively co-parenting.3. Divorce is stressful and painful for all. 4. Children have different needs during divorce than parents do. Children are resilient but we won’t know how resilient they will be for years to come. Not all children are resilient and parents need to know how they impact the other effects resiliency. First key to success: Strategery - in take process; in person meetings; phone sessions; video sessions; texts/emails; co - parenting apps. The speaker likes to do 2 hour sessions. The first is together usually. Meets with the estranged to re-establish. If received bad emails from partner: What was the intention of it? Both see themselves in the same way. Boundaries are important. Divorce is a shared responsibility. Best interest of the child. Study or have handy any custody agreements. Have a clear contract. What have they tried before, so don’t repeat. Clarify values, preferences, and choices: communication, problem pyramid all as a couple. Balloon ride/hockey team because hockey is of value to father (or either parent I am adding). If the other parent doesn’t value hockey missing a game at 11:00? Why will get out if misses a few games. What is common is bringing up the past; saying nasty things to each other. An example is he often shushes people and often interrupts. Who is responsible for the solution? Who brought up the issue? Who is upset about the problem? What exactly is the problem? It’s mom’s weekend and she can choose what she wants to do. The speaker at one time had to write up a script for them. Father would inform mom of events. Have five minutes to raise concerns. Speaker had to tell them who will take pictures, saying good-bye longer. It anything affects the child text therapist and reply. Taking concerns of the child first. Key 2. Change is constant- you have to adapt. 1. No one likes/wants to change. Our brain wants what we know. 2. People much prefer someone else to change. What can you do to do that? People won’t change unless they see the benefits of doing so. Stages of Change: conscious raising; dramatic relief; environmental re-evaluation; self and social liberation; stimulus control; counter conditioning and reinforcement management. Key 3. Balance is not difficult because it is not balanced. Women more active and involved in home life. Women are squeezed because they are expected to have a full time job and children. This patriarchal system is known. Loss and Gains: 50/50 split in custody - may feel like a loss to women because provided more with children and household. Women are doing more in the home and when men initiate the divorce it feels worse. Emotions and Grief: - loss of marital relationships; anger, hurt, resentment. - Justifying bad behaviours, fright, flight or freeze. The speaker states that it is harder for men to talk. I don’t necessarily see that in my practice. The speaker concludes for couples to share with their lawyers. I just want to add that roles may change in households and to keep that in mind. Sometimes unfinished business needs to be discussed and worked on so couples can move on from the other and work on what is best for the children. Sometimes individual therapy is required. At this moment I don’t readily have the name of the speaker but will add it in future when found. Sorry.

Hey Guy Buy Me - First book published (This was written for fun only after working with men forever) It has pictures too www.silvaredigonda.ca

Cologne - I personally like cologne on men. There are times when a man has a scent that just turns me off. There is a popular brand that smells really bad to me when some men wear it. There are others like “Obsession” that really wants me to get close and personal……..remember the pies. Of course there are women out there that who are allergic to colognes. They get headaches if you get too close, so keep that in mind. Please don’t get insulted but teeth are important too. Start brushing if you haven’t and mouthwash is good. Do floss. It is yucky to see food squished between teeth. Nice smell is good. If you can afford to get the dentist to clean your teeth do it and take her suggestions. Forget about your fear of dentists. Get over it. Why do I say her, rather than him? We’ll get to that later. I hope I don’t forget, but now is not the time.