THIRD REFLECTION Seminar Case 1 - Silva Redigonda - hypothetical case (RC)

People are faced with ethical decisions at some point of their lives. It is at times like that when they reach out to someone who is significant in their lives. It is also a time when they reach out to God. The person, who is reached out to, must respond wisely and respectfully after contemplation and prayer. As lay people who help those in need there is a responsibility not only for the person seeking help, there is a responsibility to God. The protagonist in this case is asking for help. How can he avoid slipping back in his battle with alcoholism? How does he deal with his issues of a vengeful God? How can he deal with his mother and siblings who seem to want to drag him back to his previous lifestyle? How does he deal with his mother who slanders his wife and is his wife a good choice? FACTS A 20 year old man wants to discuss what is bothering him to someone who is a simple but forceful, presentation in his life, present and past. He is being faced with some disturbances in his life concerning God, his mother and his own family. Protagonist is an alcoholic who has changed his life. He has tried to build a life of prayer. He has a career in the field of law and is advancing in the field. He is happily married but has an awareness that it may not have been a positive choice since his wife who he met from the “programme” is herself only recently sober. He and his wife now have a beautiful daughter who means the world to them both. He goes out of his way to be with and to demonstrate affection to his daughter and wife, the latter which he and his sisters were deprived from his parents. His father who recently died from the effects of alcohol was “occasionally” abusive. His father and mother also an alcoholic never admitted to any problem. His mother has “gotten religion” (15 years) and speaks of the wonders that God has done. Since becoming religious, his mother emphasizes questions of sexual guilt, notably in her children. His relationship with his mother and five sisters has gone from bad to worse, severed by his sobriety. His brothers and sisters do not like the way he challenges his mother. His mother claims his marriage is invalid since his wife is a drunk. He is gripped by fear of sin each time he receives communion. God as a vengeful God plaques him. He feels the need to go to mass more often and wonders if this is an older pattern of appeasing God. How should he pray? Should he go to confession more often? Sexual issues plague him. He loves his wife and is faithful. They have a loving relationship. Ethical Issues The protagonist is dealing with several serious concerns. These concerns involve denial of the seriousness of abuse he received from his father when he was alive, his struggles with his morals, his authoritative view of God and he is torn between his love for his own family and the struggles he is facing with his siblings and mother. Alcohol continues to be a burden he struggles within himself. His mother is constantly putting his wife down and any defense he partakes with his mother is challenged by his siblings. The protagonist has a loving family consisting of his wife and child. He has also managed to establish himself successfully with a career. Yet, he doubts that the marriage was a positive choice. Since he has been sober for much of eight years which indicates he was sober when he met his wife, one must question how much of him feels this on his own and how much is the influence of his mother who clearly dislikes his wife? Why does his mother dislike his wife? Is it because she has managed to become sober while his mother is still in denial? The mother is projecting much of herself on her son and his wife. She is probably the one struggling with sexual guilt. What sexual guilt is the protagonist facing? Does he feel guilt because he enjoys sex with his wife? Are there sexual problems? What are the “rocky” times he has had with his wife? When his mother refers to her son’s wife as a drunk is she is projecting herself? The protagonist may have to make a choice between his mother and siblings and his wife and child if the problems cannot be resolved. Though it is claimed that his mother has “gotten religion” for fifteen years, it does not appear to be a healthy relationship with God. Is this due to religion or her interpretation of religion which she seems to be transferring to her son? Is God a vengeful God? How can the protagonist heal his relationship with God? What is “occasionally” abusive in regards to the protagonist’s deceased father? Was this physical as well as the continual emotional abuse? The parents never admitted to a problem. What else went on in that home while the protagonist was growing up? How has the abuse effected his siblings? Is there anyone who is not an alcoholic among his siblings? PASTORAL RESPONSE The morality theology here is how do I deal with my mom and siblings while being true to my wife, child and myself? How do I trust God to love me? How should I deal with what is facing me without losing myself in the process? Finally and most important, “What is God enabling and requiring me to do in the present moment?” First I want to commend you on how hard you have worked to get to where you are. I realize that your journey is constant and difficult. Alcoholism is a disease and one that remains for life. Your steps taken to get to where you are and your determination to get help whenever you feel the need is inspiring. You have a child you and your wife love very much. You have found intimacy and affection with your small family. You saw something in your wife that drew you to her and you are happy with her. Your mother may not recognize the marriage and that is unfortunate because it is not your mother who has the authority. Mark 9: 7-9, states …A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. Since your mother has “gotten religion” you can suggest a meeting with the minister of her church. Your marriage is valid under the eyes of God and though you have both been through a difficult time, your love has prevailed. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word…He who loves his wife, loves himself…”(Ephesians 5:25). I would recommend that you and your spouse continue with A.A. meetings. You seem to think of God as a punishing God and thus you are feeling guilty about sexuality and receiving communion while believing without merit that you are unworthy. Many see God as they see their parents. It is not unusual for you to think of God in the way that you do because you experience God as you do your parents. Spiritual Direction will help you understand that God is a loving God and not a punishing and authoritative God. It is important that you talk with your wife and determine how she feels when she is with your family. Do they mistreat her? Are they verbally abusive? Do they demean her? How is this affecting her? Perhaps you may both go for family counseling if this is affecting you both. Indicating that your father was abusive on occasion is revealing. Abuse is abuse. I would recommend pastoral counseling or psychotherapy to help you deal with your past and present abuse from your parents/siblings. Continue to pray. Prayer is powerful. Take time each day to pray. Record your feelings daily. Note when you are sad and why. You have changed your life so much. What steps did you take to your journey of recovery and independence from your parents and siblings. Can you continue with things as they are with your mother and siblings? Since your mother has “gotten religion” consider a family intervention with the minister. She may or may not accept the invitation and she may not agree with the minister. Be prepared. Several years ago I went to a church near my parent’s home and heard a sermon that remained with me. The priest said the following in his sermon. I shall try to repeat it, as I heard it. The priest remarked how many people come to him because of their sufferings. He told this story. There was a mother who had a rope and she threw herself over a bridge landing softly on the ground at the bottom where she became stranded. She pulled the rope down and as a result she could not climb back up. Her daughter happened to walk along the bridge. The mother called out to her daughter, imploring her to help her back up. The daughter found a rope and with great difficulty managed to pull her mother up. The mother again used her own rope to fall to the ground and pulled the rope down so that she could not climb back up. Again she called out to her daughter to help her back up onto the bridge. The daughter threw her rope again so that she could pull her mother up. This was very difficult and she begged her mother not to do that again because she did not think that she had the strength to pull her up. Her mother once again went over the bridge, pulling the rope back down. This time when she called out to her daughter, her daughter said she just couldn’t do it anymore. As painful as this was for the daughter, she knew she had no more strength in her to lift her mother. The priest concluded his sermon by indicating that we do have a sense of responsibilities to our families but when that relationship becomes destructive so that it darkens our soul, then we must remember that God does not want our soul to darken because our soul belongs to God. CONCLUSION Alcoholism is a disease which lasts a life time. Sometimes one has to separate himself from anything that will drag him back down in that abyss. Children of alcoholics have the burden of having to endure the associated abuse of alcohol. Anon is an organization which can help families in and from these homes. When all fails and the parents fails to acknowledge their own disease then they themselves become the abuser and not necessarily through their own fault. At times one must take a stand and claim God and his immediate family as the priority. If that means distance, from further abuse after all else fails, then that is all that can be done.

Promoting Compassionate Psychosocial Spiritual Care and Counselling During COVID 19 Crises Demands - Challenges - Responses (Continues) notes 3

Eugene recommended Dr Wolfalt’s book The Rites of the grieving person . Eugene contemplates who really had an affect on him. He goes near water - recommends taking 1/2 a day off during the week, a month he will go away for a day; a year he goes away for a week. How does this pertain to myself? Well since I have been told I am lucky because I work for myself. There is a lot of truth in that. I need to be the best I can be for myself in my care of others. I normally take time for myself each day. I am acutely aware on what really affects me. I feel I have been trained to monitor the different emotions I may go through during a day and at times suggest that clients become aware of the emotions they feel when either speaking to a person or experiencing any kind of event. Try it. You may be surprised how often you will be experiencing different emotions. It will also provide you with an understanding of yourself. What upsets you, challenges you, excites you etc…. Taking a day off a week is the minimum for myself. I normally take off a lot more. Ideally I would like to take a week off a month, but I have found that is not possible, so when this pandemic is over, I will be looking forward to visiting a place of interest in my beautiful city as if I am discovering it for the first time. After more than a year hiatus, that will be quite exciting. I still cannot leave Toronto for more than a few days because of commitments. However I have quite a few trips to look forward to. There are many people out there who work at jobs they detest because they have to put food on the table and I understand that. However, I would recommend wondering what it is you would like to do and train for that somehow. If you have a dream, explore it. Do you work to live or do you live to work? How can you get to where you would like to be? What support networks do you have? What do you think. Next week as we continue this topic we will talk about children again.

The Internet Murders - continues https://www.silvaredigonda.ca

“Tomasso’s roots were from southern Italy, and his sense of humour was always getting him into trouble, especially since he had no sensor to turn it off. Philip looked over at him. “Very funny, Romeo. Why don’t you take yours off and see if that makes a difference for her? On the other hand, maybe the sight of you will just finish her off.” Philip was much taller than Tomasso, who was short for an officer, but these days what did that matter, joked Tomasso. Equality for all, tall or short, fat or skinny, smart or stupid, the force opened up their arms to all. Good old-fashioned police work went to Public Relations, Tomasso liked to say, when it suited him. Philip smiled at Tomasso, who kept him entertained at the worst of times. He was a good partner. He knew that he would do anything for Tomasso and vice versa, though it took a while to get there. Tomasso’s demeanour usually made people take him for a fool. That worked to his advantage, because Tomasso was actually one of the smartest cops he had ever known, with a heart just as big. ” Excerpt From: Silva Redigonda. “The Internet Murders.”

Thinking about podcast. Is this of interest to you?

Well tonight I shall be joining the Sisters of Crime where four hosts of popular podcasts "share their secrets for creating compelling content, building an audience and maintaining momentum when developing a successful podcasts." I love writing stories but my primary work as a therapist curtails that more than ever during this pandemic. I'll attend this event tonight to decide if I should add this to my social media for my books and perhaps my practice. Right now, I would prefer not to have extra clients unless it is an emergency. The pandemic has increased the amount of work in this arena. I have also had a small emergency of washing machine failure which of course requires immediate attention. That will shortly be taken care of as well. Next week I should have more time for blogs. I will also be attending another lecture of "Cancer during the pandemic." Of course there should be something to share from that as well. I will eventually go through everything and thank you for your patience and attention. I will like to upload some more of the Internet Murders for you to read as well. I shall try to get that done tomorrow. If you buy a book from me, I shall send you an autographed copy. I have completed writing about half of my next book. It is scary, me thinks, since it scares me too. Imagine that. https://silvaredigonda.ca

Response to Understanding a Soul Care question

Silva Redigonda Question: Highlight one or two things that you found to be significant in the handout or chapter and what did you find puzzling (one or two things). What I found significant in the handout (Understanding Soul Care) is pg 101 which indicates that Western psychology of the self has been greatly influenced by Descartes's "I think, therefore I am, contrary to "I am because we are; we are because I am." The latter being African spiritual philosophy has been identified as being closer to the Christian understanding of self. I have observed that in our society, we have a focus of ourselves which is very much a me world. We tend to lose meaning in basic humanity. I found it puzzling that we should not give to the poor because they are less fortunate but because God is somehow present in those who suffer(106). I find this notion that doing so is condescension or pity, misguided. I think that everyone, Christian or not, whether they see God in another or not, should contribute something of themselves to others because they are indeed less fortunate. If we are more united in compassion regardless of religion (if any), beliefs and culture than we may just be able to survive this world. I am also puzzled that, "Christian spirituality is also manifest in care of God's creation" (106) as a response to global crises. I think that taking care of this planet is basic biological survival mode at this point. Of course I may be wrong, but I found myself stirred by these statements. I found the chapter from our text very significant regarding Ignatian spiritual direction and how the author combined spirituality with psychotherapy. I think that the year waiting period is rather long, though I understand it may be necessary for the process of the intense knowledge about the person. I am puzzled that we don't have therapists trained by our own church combined with spirituality as a separate degree program. Maybe you can start one at this school? It's being a crazy week so to offer you something I have returned to responses I have saved. This I shall delete from my files. I hope you are well.

Promoting Compassionate Psychosocial Spiritual Care and Counselling During COVID 19 Crises Demands - Challenges - Responses (Continues) notes 2

Eugene Dufour spoke of his work, training emergency response persons to learn how to tell devastating news to families. Many attend sessions during their free time. Last year 28 responders died by suicide. Eugene spoke of one patient being from a war torn country. To protect her sisters from being raped by soldiers, she placed manure on her sister’s faces. When asked if she did the same for herself, she said no. She wanted to be the target, to protect her sisters. When I contemplate the stories of my own clients who faced horrors before coming to Canada, I am struck with awe at how some just for love of Jesus and refusing to convert are raped, imprisoned or killed. It reminds me of a recent movie I watched about how a farmer in Vienna refused to fight for the nazi’s and was beheaded as a result. His faith in his religion was profound. Eugene spoke of a patient who would constantly scream. When he went to see her, he noticed a tear and with a tissue, he wiped away her tear. When he did this, she stopped screaming. He had touched her cheek. He found volunteers who would be able to do this every 20 minutes. She stopped screaming. The human touch is so powerful, is it not? Someone caring for you is powerful. Eugene recommended a book, The five invitations, by Frank Ostaseski about discovery of what death can teach us about living fully. Eugene spoke about how medical staff during the first wave of this pandemic were devastated as bodies were placed in bags and moved to a parking lot. He spoke about having to pull back from watching the news and getting the information from work. I personally practise balance at all times, especially because I am in private practice. I do watch the news but get most of my information from seminars and conferences etc….I try to eliminate the noise to get to the facts. However, there are those that the news is their work and balance is even more important for them. How can their employers help them to keep healthy? Eugene talked about our own rituals. What Eugene does for self care is give his maple tree a wack. He has a timer, gets up and wacks his trees at five. Of course his neighbour was concerned and then he explained it to him. I knew a social worker who sat out in his car when he arrived from work and to make that transition, he would tap his face, calm down and enter his home. Again a neighbour was concerned and he explained what he was doing. What I noticed I was doing after each client, was leave my office and go wash my hands, then I was good for the next one. Also, one of my pets notices if I have a long day of being exposed to sadness. He sits up against me and licks me. I also like to dance and would love to do it outside, but I don’t want my neighbours coming around and being concerned. Maybe I should move to the country and dance away. Eugene told us that we can expect another 18 months at home because of the pandemic. Country is starting to look pretty good. Eugene told us of a little boy whose dream was to meet Hulk Hogan. He got his dream and died eight days later after meeting him. His little sister later got into a fight at school. When he talked to this gentle soul, she had a fight because the other student had been making derogatory comments about Hulk Hogan. Eugene does a lot of work with veterans. He spoke about the attitude of not letting anything bother you, such as the sick….the attitude of sucking it up. Long term care was already suffering being short staffed. They lost 30% more during the pandemic. He spoke about secondary trauma - “their story is what I carry home.” Vicarious trauma - compassion fatigue “mentoring” - someone focusing on our well being. The Compassion Fatigue rate. Four patients died in the first week. Nurses got close to them. He talked about one opening the window after a patient died and letting the breath out, setting the patient who died free, acknowledging what was given and what was gained. Eugene went to 9/11. He was asked to provide a de-brief. They had dogs and handlers searching for cadavers. How do you cope? To be continued……..

WARNING: SCAM, SCAM, SCAM..... Posting this to alert you.

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