Family Therapy

I have found the dynamics of the family to be quite revealing in the therapy room. A client who may be just be coming out of their shell and improving in self esteem can become another person when the family is together. The person may withdraw into their self place. A woman who is quiet and submissive can become quite the matriarch in the family setting. Soft and passive in public can become quite controlling and demanding in the family therapy room. Family therapy can be quite beneficial for those who are having difficulties and need improvement in communication skills with their families and understanding of each other. People come from different experiences and raise their children as they think is best which is usually either the same as they were treated or completely the opposite or various degrees of their own learning experiences. Any form of abuse is not acceptable and can do much damage. Sometimes one seeks family therapy because one wants to reveal something to their family in a controlled environment. Sometimes, parents have difficulty understanding their offsprings because their child is so unlike them. Sometimes one child may be sensitive and creative while the other members are not and there is nothing wrong with this child whatsoever. However, because the one is different from the other siblings, than they think it is him or her. How often had I had a teen who was brilliant and more intelligent than the parents and therefore, there is difficulty understanding the young person. Sometimes there is a child with special needs and there is frustration in dealing with this. Sometimes one child or more can be more like the parents and therefore the one who is independent may be considered a rebel or worse when there is just a difference and nothing more. A book I love to recommend is Family Ties That Binds - A self-help guide to change through Family of Origin therapy, by Dr. Ronald W. Richardson. It is a easy read. If there is discord in your family, perhaps it is time to see a family therapist.

Heart felt sympathy to Spain

It is always very sad to hear about senseless deaths. Though I have never been to Barcelona, I have been to Malaga and along the Costa Del Sol. Very beautiful country. Of course at that time, I never heard of such a hateful group attacking without regard for human life. Prayers and thoughts are with you.

White Supremacy

I should be editing my book but this is too important this morning. My heartfelt sympathy goes out to Charlottesville and to the families of all involved. Killing at any protest is unacceptable but killing because there is hatred is alarming. In the news this morning there is a group to show solidarity and an American spoke to the reporters saying that Charlottesville was the first city by proclamation as a peace city. He added to not allow what is happening in the States to come here. The news also indicated that a high school teacher who I presume was one of the subject’s teacher indicated that he idolized nazism. I look at the picture of this 20 year old man and listen to his mother speak on the news thinking her son was going to a Trump rally and remember the American recruiters sitting outside university classrooms waiting for students to complete their exams and hoping to entice them to the States. I remember being in Connecticut and visiting an historical Native museum and listening to a grade school teacher instructing his students that you could tell by the face of the man in a painting that he was……….. I was surprised that he would teach in that manner. Really, you can tell by looking at a face? Look into the face of angelic looking serial killers and think again. Education is important. I remember in an undergrad class listening to some neo Nazis youths speak about the killing of Jews. Their stupidity was unbelievable. I do not think that what is happening in the States can happen here. I hope not. I remember years ago seeing a front page news photo of the KKK in a town West of Toronto and then I heard nothing of it again. I remember a white supremacy group coming to Toronto in my teens or twenties and their building let’s say was no longer functional. I never heard of them again. I do think we have problems now that I didn’t see as I was growing up. I remember watching a documentary of Toronto the good, and an American Producer, I believe his name is Moore was trying to determine what the difference was. I remember watching American movies and seeing high school kids bringing guns to school and wondered how long it would reach us. I thought it normally takes about ten years for what happens in the States to reach us, but that is not an educated guess, nor based on any facts. That is how I thought at the time. It is no secret that we have gangs in Toronto, and drugs and you would think it was legal here to have guns, the way there are shootings nowadays. Is there a way to curb this? Of course there is. I was fortunate to be raised by parents, to learn that prejudice was wrong. I was fortunate to have an education where I learned that prejudice was wrong. In elementary school we were learning about the concentration camps and reading books such as Black Like Me. We would have debates at home about what if I married a Black man and my parents would debate how that would effect me and my children. We had debates in school (in elementary school) regarding a black person being President. I was so happy when Obama became President but feared for him as well because of all that white supremacy. Since Trump has been elected I have seen a country divided. Even here a Judge got into trouble for wearing one of those “Make American Great Again” baseball caps, during a session. He now has quite a few complaints against him and I think that retirement may be in the forecast. Don’t quote me. That is just a presumption. I try to stay away from politics. I really do, but it is difficult not to. As for myself when I go to an area which is all white and I see a black person, I feel a kinship with the black person. I live in a multicultural city where there is every kind of skin colour, shade, religion, spirituality, etc….The food is amazing and as a young person, I would go out to all the different restaurants and experience the different type of foods. Today I am a vegetarian and so I do not eat meat and Toronto again offers a variety. When I leave Toronto I find that vegetarians and vegans are still not catered to as we should be. Eliminating meat from a plate does not make the cut. When I travelled in the States during holidays driving to New York or Disney world, I always go off the main highway to visit attractions. I am usually asked if I am from New York. When I say I am from Canada, I hear the complaints about how some people from urban cities treat them as if they are less. I have always liked the States. I grew up with American television before we could make a decent movie. I grew up when kids in Toronto would be asked who the Prime Minister was and they would say the President’s name. We have caught up big time. The American in the news this morning was grieving for his Virginia. I have driven through Virginia and found it beautiful and the people there gracious and inviting. One day I hope to drive right through all the States or at least many of them. I know there are many intelligent people living and working in the States. There is an obligation for all of us to make this world a better place, no matter how small our contribution. It begins with helping others. It can be merely a smile which can have a domino response. I am sorry about what happened in Charlottesville. I am sorry for the Mayor who is grieving as well. We perhaps all need to revamp the education system and teach not from bias, but with kindness. We need to educate all people based on facts and not “fake ness” which is projected by those who are. If we do not change, we are headed toward self destruction. We have such capabilities today but if we do not have the emotional intelligence and sensitivity to match, we can be in great trouble. It is time that we heal our planet and those within it. It is time to teach and learn and offer youth the opportunity to do so regardless of their finances. We can all be the best we can be and in the process drive out that poisonous hate which only destroys. What do you think?

My books - The Internet Murders" Update

I received transcript back from my publisher and so I just finished reading about 30 minutes ago. How I review my work is by reading it out loud. So, it takes a while longer. In my therapy work, I do active listening and I suppose I am actively reading trying to make sure there are no errors. It is surprising how many people can read something and still find something wrong. I wrote this book, reviewed it four times and sent it off. Now it has been returned and I am picking up a few errors here and there. I must admit my brain was fried and I took a break having a brunch with coffee in a serene park like back yard, playing with some animals afterward and debating going for a walk to clear my head or do some other work. I opted to wait for my postman before making any final decisions. I want to get this book out and want to review it as quick as possible, but I also spent too much time on it to rush it away. I had dedicated this book to a very good friend of mine who has died before it was published. I also sent this book off to a few publishers but it is hard to get a big publisher to look at you without an agent. It would cost me too much to send my books to the different book stores. So, while I focus on my private practise, my writing is still my hobby which I love and have been doing all my life. I do sell my books at www.silvaredigonda.com I know it is a pain because I used Go Daddy which does not have a button to connect to Canada Post. However, I did expand my private practice web site with them for convenience. Plus they gave me a good deal. I am not upgrading to a modern site because I do not have the time to do everything over and if I want them to do it, it will cost $500. so I am learning as I am making my own mistakes. So I will share this with you. I wasted time taking a web design course and learning computer language. My recommendation is save the time and money. I took it with the local education evening courses and if they knew anything about web design, they would eliminate the course. Then check with the shipping department before signing up for a shopping site. When I called Canada Post the first time when I finished my first book, they were behind the times and could not advise me. MY next plan is to have a shopping cart from Canada to be able to ship it anywhere in the world. So, I have learned by my own experiences and errors. Live and learn and try to make sure you use that expression - the cart before the horse or the horse before the cart? Which one was it? Exactly. So, if you want to buy one of my books you may order on line, or pick one up at my office. When this next book is ready for publication I may get an additional shopping cart Canadian User Friendly. Write this down if you want to come and see me where I will be signing and selling my books: 16 Sept 17, Fairbanks Park in Toronto. This is just North from my office, between Eglinton and Rogers on the East side. There is parking in the area and at the park. On the 24th of Sept 17, I will be back at Word on the Street at the Harbour Front, Toronto. November 7, 2017, I will be back at York University, for Show Case in Central Square. I always love going back to York University because I always see people I know there. At Word on The Street I have only one fan who faithfully returns every year. I was sure I would have my third book ready for her but there is no way it will be done that fast. After I review it, it will be formatted and return to me once again for final reading and I do read it all over again to ensure there are no errors. So, I hope you can be patient with me. Remember I do readings so if you have a book club, consider me. Also, if you want me to come and talk about psychotherapy, I am prepared to come and do that as well. I love what I do and I do hope you find something you have a passion for as well. What do you think?

Couple Therapy

Couple Therapy Couple therapy helps people to communicate their feelings and wants from their partners. It is not about who is right or wrong, but how to maintain a healthy balance. There may be people who have distinct roles in their relationships and they may also be quite traditional. If they are both happy with those roles, than fine. However, in some relationships there may be an imbalance in power and that is when problems may occur. One person may have been silent for years and then suddenly finds that he or she has had enough and wants to leave the relationship. I have found that it does not matter how long a person has been married, there is always an element of surprise when one partner reveals what the other didn’t know about the partner. I usually ask for two months of sessions if it is required which decreases as the couple feels fit. Normally, the first few sessions can be very emotional. Much has been kept withheld or there has been emotional fighting at home which drowns the ability to listen to each other. There is name calling etc…..In the therapy room this is controlled and clients learn to listen which can take several sessions. Couples learn how to be couples from their own perspectives from seeing how their own parents interacted. Some couples live very separate lives with one party having an affair to avoid working on his or her relationship. This is referred to as a triangle. One may avoid his partner by working and spending time away in the garage etc……I do not judge people regarding how they choose to live. I do not take sides. It is not about taking sides. It is about one person who has had a different life and identity finding a partner who has also had a separate life, coming together and deciding to become a couple. What one may find not to be a problem, maybe very much for the other. Therapy is about learning how to respect each other and finding that balance in their relationship which is mutual for both. I have barely touched the surface and if anyone has any questions for me please feel free to ask. I will not see couples where one is not willing to let go a person he or she is having an affair with. This defeats the purpose of couple therapy. I also do not take sides regardless of who is paying for the sessions. If I find that the therapy as an ulterior motive, than I will recommend that the couple see another therapist. What is also very important for any type of therapy is that when one is not comfortable with their therapist, than they should find another. What do you think?

Drugs

I attended a lecture regarding Opioid Crisis: Understanding Community-Based Clinical Approach. Adler Faculty of Continuing Education will be providing a six day program regarding drugs, however, for my own requirements and private practice, I think what I attended is more than sufficient. As you know addiction was never one of my interests however this has had to change considering how often people suffer from addiction. This does not only affect themselves, but their spouses and children and entire families live with the addiction. As you also know I am opposed to the legalization of marijuana, though many are for it as was one or two of the speakers. One of the speakers feels all drugs should be legalized and there is talk about this according to him. However, I have concerns especially where the underdeveloped mind is concerned. The speaker who impressed me the most is Dr Samin Hasham, Pharm D. She indicated that 50% of accidental over doses are from opioids. Canada and the USA has the highest lead of all nations. One person dies every 13 hours from an overdose; 1 to 8 youths, 25 to 34 years of age from oxycontin and other opioids. Accidental overdoses are the 3rd leading cause of deaths. According to a Canadian study, prescriptions for high dose opioids are on the rise. There are more than 13 hospitalizations a day in Canada. Median age is 44 (of Opioid overdose). Cocaine is a comeback in Toronto. In Colorado (USA) heroine is cheap. 18 year olds are having health issues as a result, which will come here. The drugs come from the far East to Vancouver Island. Regarding prescription drugs physicians are now being monitored. Now if one person has a prescription and fills it there is a record and if the person goes to another pharmacy there is an alert. Eventually, everything will be fully automated. You will no longer get a prescription. You will go to the pharmacy and all medication required will be on the computer and then the physician in real time can see. What I thought was quite sad is that until 2017 there was no tracking of homeless people having overdoses. Wayne Skinner was another speaker who described Opioid as a pain reliever but also that it provides pleasure that one may want to be in. He indicated that people like to be high. He spoke about methadone treatment, evidence based in the USA, the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s stabilized lives and if more psycho social even a better outcome. Canada was opposed. “We subjected them to get off methadone in one year.” He indicated that the worse thing during the 80’s was HIV. He indicated needles should only be used once and not a lifetime. He indicated that our philosophy has changed. Today there is a strong focus for abstinence. There are waiting lists for rehab for 200 capacity. There was a lobby for more methadone treatment. Four of five overdoses deaths are men. He questions why abstinence is the only approach. He spoke of one clinic where patients are overdosing and the staff is suffering. He indicates that self care is very important for staff. Fentanyl is quick in and out (2 to 4 hours). It is 100 times stronger than morphine and 50 times stronger than heroin. Street Fentanyl is 2mg, which is equal to just 2 grains of salt. Carfentanil is not meant for humans. In Toronto it has killed four people to date (lecture held 6 Jul 17). 20 micrograms (like a snowflake) can kill you. One million doses of Fentanyl will fit in a shoe box. One million of Carfentanil will fit in a golf ball. One to three hours after taking the drug, the heart stops, coma, death. If you are in Toronto and want to do something to help your addiction call 416-535-8501. This is an intake system (CAMH) A screener will respond. You may also call Connex Ontario. They have access to all addiction clinics in Ontario and there is a 24 hour service. CAMH assessment can refer to North Bay. Ontario Health Care. As I am completing my notes here, I remember one speaker talking about the requirement to need more of the drug which is problematic. One may stop for example if going into prison and come out and take the same dose as before he entered prison. He then may overdose and dies and this does happen. I hope this information helps you all. For those of you who work at borders be mindful that powerful mega doses can fit in such small places as mentioned above. If you are an addict be mindful of how easy it is to overdose. Is it time to go to re-hab? What do you think?

Fr Bill German S.J.

A week ago Saturday, I telephoned my almost 92 year old friend, a retired priest who doesn’t know the meaning of retirement. He was as usual very excited to hear from me. “How is the book coming?” He was referring to the Internet Murders. He knew the book was dedicated to him which made it all the more exciting. After a bit he told me that he had lost his appetite, that he wasn’t eating and that he was praying for God to come and take him. Of course I was not ready to hear that and told him he had to stay. I asked if he wanted to go to the Mandarin and he said he would go with me but would not eat since he could not. I was going to visit him in the near future. Last Saturday I was notified that he had died two days after our conversation at noon. I had debated going out to play or work in the house, when I opened up my computer to see if my publisher had sent me any feedback on my book. Immediately I saw the caption with Bill German from a mutual friend and I knew. The funeral mass would be at Our Lady of Lourdes and I shut my computer, all priorities changing. I changed and departed to see my old friend for one last time. There was a parking space available and I was pleased. I entered the church and at the rear was a coffin with my friend inside. There were posters of pictures with lots of people at different times of his life. I paused to see a younger version of himself which surprised me. I only knew him for nine years and that was as an older man. A brochure was handed out, listing his accomplishments. He was born September 1,1925, in Toronto, Ontario. It did not say that his father was a judge. He entered the Jesuits in Jul 30, 1943, Joseph Monaghan/Novice Master. He had Juniorate Studies in Guelph, 1945-47; Philosophy studies at Immaculee Conception, Montreal, 1947-1950; He was a teacher at Addis-Ababa, Ethiopia, 1950-1953. He studied Theology at Regis, 1953-54. Theology studies at St Mary’s, Kurseion, India, 1954-57. He was ordained a Priest in Kurseong, India on Nov 21, 1956. Tertianship at Hazaribagh, Darjeeling, India, 1958-59. Teacher, Headmaster, Pastor, Calcutta, Siliguri, Gayaganga 1959-70. Special student, Regis College, 1970-71. Teacher, Retreat Director, Chaplain, North Point, Darjeeling 1971-85. Special Student- Spiritual Exercises, Guelph, Ontario, 1985-86. Associate Pastor at Our Lady of Lourdes, Toronto, 1986-2014. Ministry of Prayer, Rene Goupil House, Pickering, 2014-2017. Who was Bill German? He was my Pastoral Counsellor. He was my Spiritual Director. He was my confidant. But most of all, he was my dear friend. We spent many evenings having supper out, because we both loved food. We had discussions and we had arguments and best of all we had fun. So as I looked down at my old friend, I saw a body with make up on his face and knew that he was no longer here. He was now where he wanted to be with God (Not yet said our mutual friend as we discussed later). As part of my studies before becoming a therapist and Pastoral Counsellor my self, it was required that I had my own therapy. I could not have had anyone better as I suffered watching others suffer with chronic diseases, as I suffered watching people die, as I suffered watching others suffer. My suffering turned into compassion and empathy as I learned to accept things as they are. I found my own guidance from him as I now help others. If I am a fraction of the person he was than I am pleased with myself. As I took my seat at the rear of the church, I felt it was wrong to turn my back to Fr Bill. I sat there grateful that I had checked my emails. I sat there grateful that he had been my friend. I did not have time to mourn. I was still in a state of I do not know what. Shock? Surprise? I refused to let him go. I was adamant of keeping him here. My need surpassed his of wanting to be with God. I saw our mutual friend who came to sit with me. It was he who sent me to him when I needed to fulfill this academic requirement with my second program I was in for Pastoral Counselling. The church filled quickly and then the mass begun. One person fainted. One man was sobbing so much, I thought I had to go help him, but he eventually controlled his grief. Then his eulogy begun and I heard how much he was there for everyone, how he loved his food, how he loved everyone. I heard how I was not the only person not wanting him gone. How many of us wanted to hold on to him? Ironically this morning I read a passage in the bible, “Jesus said to her, “”Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking for?…. Do not hold on to me, because I have not yet ascended to the Father.””(Jesus appears to Mary Magdalene). It made me think how much we want to keep our loved ones here but how we need to let go. At the end of the eulogy, I realized that the affect this man and priest had on me was shared with all those in the mass. We loved him. We cared about him and wanted to hold on to him and why not? He had meant so much. I remember when I was formally seeing him. He wanted me to begin reading/praying the breviary. “If God wanted me to have a breviary, he would make it more affordable!” I blurted out. It was last summer that he gave me one, when I asked for it. In it he wrote “May God Bless you as you pray Fr Bill GJ” I have been reading it, studying it, and praying it since. He wanted me to have one for priests. By the end of the mass I was feeling elated. I realized I had to let go and celebrate his life and not grieve it. Our mutual friend and I went out to the Scarborough Bluffs to eat where Fr Bill and I ate last summer. It was not an easy chore because I had to push his wheel chair and it was no easy feat getting him in and out of my car. He had no qualms asking for help and he taught me it was ok. I had learned to be independent. That was the guidance from my own father. However, Fr Bill taught me the importance of balance in this department. He taught me this from watching him interacting with others. Then our mutual friend and I went to the boardwalk and we talked about life, religion, culture, war, etc…..in an environment of nature as we watched the blue lake. It was a beautiful day full of sun and warmth and food. We ended the day at a pub where we ate a pizza. I think it was a perfect day to celebrate the life of Fr Bill. I will continue to miss him, but in many ways he has left his mark on me. He has taught me by example how to care for others. He has taught me how to open my arms and reach out in pastoral care. He has taught me how to be a better person. Good bye my dear friend. I will learn how to let you go. I just need some time.