Couple therapy

In my own practise I have found that people who are married the longest at thirty or forty years plus, normally are the most determined to make their marriage work. However, not in all cases. For those dating, I don’t see the same determination. Living in a multicultural, multi religious city, I have the benefit of seeing a wide range of people. I am always learning from my clients. A priest professor and friend of mine once asked me what I thought the biggest problem was with couples. I immediately responded without thinking, “communication.” He nodded and replied that he had found it to be the same. He has much more experience and is much wiser than I. I wanted to write today about relationships, specifically couples because it is a good topic to start the year, on this day of the Epiphany. Couples can become quite enraged during therapy and that is why I usually begin with “this is a medical building and I cannot have any screaming or loudness.” Yet during a session I will often have to remind the couples once they forget where they are and begin their fighting. Depending on the hurt, sadness, rage etc…., diffusing the emotions so that each person can actually hear the other can vary. It is a process as all therapy is. You cannot go in for one or two sessions and your problems are over. It usually takes a long time before a couple asks for help and it cannot be resolved in one session. People who have lived together for years and believed that knew each other are completely shocked by how the other really feels. Others have struggled for years with addictions of all sorts. When addiction comes into play it is more difficult because the addiction is more powerful than rationalization. I normally recommend rehab, though I do not turn anyone away who is an addict. Relationships are about balance of power. If one person thinks that he or she is in control because she makes more money or works harder etc….than problems will arise unless they both think the same. Often one partner is absolutely surprised at what he learns from his spouse. He is stunned and never believed that therapy was required. Some leave couple therapy before all issues are resolved and that is unfortunate because there is more work to do to not relapse to more comfortable known ways of fighting. I recommend not stopping therapy completely but decreasing sessions until both are managing to affectively hear each other and willing to compromise. It does not hurt if after six months of no therapy, to go back for a session to determine how things really are. I attended a seminar once where a popular speaker in the field from the United States was determined to have all couples stay together. I personally will do all that I can to help the couple to work out their differences, however the decision and judgement is not mine to make. Two people who are coming for therapy are the one’s to decide if they can compromise, or close the triangle in the relationship if one or the other will get help for his or her addiction, if one can stop abusing the other and if one or the other can stop having an affair. If there is an affair, whoever is having it must agree to stop or else I will not see him or her because than one has to ask, “How are you going to work on your marriage if you have another on the side?” Sometimes there is no openness to having an affair. Sometimes one is married and is going to therapy to appease his suspicious girlfriend. If there is any ulterior motive to see me for couple therapy aside from really trying to work on your relationship than please don’t. If you are in a relationship with someone who makes you sad, perhaps it is time to see a therapist about it, so you are able to step back and examine what is going on. It is difficult when there are a range of emotions within you to be able to critically see what is happening. Emotions are always important and I advise that you all become aware of how this can differ during the day. Are you feeling more sad in the morning? Are you enraged after your husband leaves the house? What is really going on inside you? What happens if you think you need couple therapy and your wife doesn’t? Then see someone yourself. Couple therapy does work with one person, though I personally like working with the couple. That is a preference not a requirement. As one changes their behavior, it will effect the other person and change theirs. What are you waiting for? If you are not happy in your relationship why not take a step today to make it less painful? What do you think? (I have barely touched the topic)

Changes for the new year? How about this for a New Year Resolution? How can I make my world better? How can I make my life better? Not possible? Really?

During the last day of the year I was pondering about the conditions of our world at our own doing. I was thinking of how people behead each other in the Middle East. I was thinking how religion is used to enforce laws made by men for their own unholy whims. I was thinking about 20 wars at any given time in the world. I was thinking how women are still forced into behaving and dressing, like men want them to, to demonstrate their “modesty.” I was thinking of all the hungry children dying from starvation in a world full of abundance. On New Years day I was thinking how can we change all this. We can change all this by understanding that united we can all make differences in the lives of others - positive changes, however small. Recently a woman told me that change was not possible and for some reason that surprised me. “Of course we can make changes.” I replied. “No” was her solemn resigned response. If change was not possible slavery among blacks would still exist. If change was not possible the world would still be flat in our minds and we could probably fall off it if we wandered too far. If change was not possible, women would not be able to go to university in any part of the world and she would not be able to vote. If change was not possible we would all be under dictatorship rule……………Change is possible. In my morning ritual of prayer and discernment and contemplation, my mind went back to undergrad where during an English course, which I took for a break from psychology, we were reading a book a week, writing a paper about it and dissecting it and discussing it to death (my second book would be good for this, if there are any professors reading this and may be interested). In one book we read, it was about Utopia, perhaps that is even the title of the book. I thought it was wonderful to live in Utopia. However, my classmates all found that to live in such a place would be boring. I was surprised by this. I try to make my life my own Utopia. I surround myself with people who are happy and if not happy because of their own experiences, than kind/nice. As I grow older I am more selective than ever of my associates, not because I am a snob as I was told recently by a male who was annoying me and definitely not my type (he should read my first book), but because I like to maintain the peace I have within me. How are you feeling right now? Stop reading for a few minutes and just focus on what you feel within you? Is your stomach in knots? Are you feeling sad? Are you feeling sick? Anxious? What does that feel like? How would you like to feel? Calm? Relaxed? Content? How do you achieve that? Thinking back at the remarks my classmates made, I have to wonder how they would feel if they were not observers, at the pain of others. How would they feel if they lived in a country where they did not have the benefit of an education? What if they were silenced? What if their genitals were cut so they could never feel pleasure again? What if they were forced to wear garments to hide all of themselves except their eyes to see? What if they no longer had food to eat? What if they were forced to fight wars or flee from the violence and killings? What if they had to face horrors? What if they were the participants of what seemed to be what was interesting to them as observers? Change is possible - always. It is only our belief systems that hinders us or allows us to soar. There is no reason why anyone should have to starve in this day and age. There is no reason why anyone because of gender or religion or culture should try to dominate another. We can have a Utopia and we just have to believe it to take steps towards it. I happen to live in a country where I do get a lot of benefits. I have chosen occupations that have satisfied me and made me happy. I have a career now that makes me happy because in all of my careers, I have always helped people. What I have learned to do is not judge people for the lives that they live. I do not endorse cruelty but I do believe that change is possible. I would like to see a zero tolerance for any kind of cruelty. It can happen but we must be able to look beyond ourselves. We need to educate as a society because at home cruelty may exist. We need to let children know what kindness is. Children are not private property. They are precious to society and we need to ensure they are safe and not abused. As a therapist I am obligated to report abuse. However, people are aware of that so how much is not revealed? What is the difference between being a bad parent and being abusive? Last year casually during conversation a woman who had been an elementary teacher in the dark ages remarked how a child always sat in a ball at the back of her class. He would just roll up on his side and not participate. She did and said nothing. I felt my blood rise, thinking of this poor child with an incompetent for a teacher. We need to take a stand somehow when there is an injustice. A few days ago I was in a bakery shop with a friend of mind having lunch. A group of black men came in to sit at a long table near by. The men were polite and older with the experience of time. The waitress told them not to sit there because she had not cleaned the table. I know that if these men were white and dressed in suits she would have immediately accommodated them with respect because I have seen this. So, I spoke up and told the men to sit down at the table. They did. The waitress did not say anything. I spoke up. Now maybe, this waitress did want to clean the table first. But why would thy not be able to sit there afterwards. However, the table was void of any dishes. I normally would not notice this. I took notice because when I was in Florida, my companion and I were talking about prejudice. I told him that prejudice wasn’t as evident as it used to be. “Then why were we immediately allowed into this restaurant while they are still waiting?” he asked. I then turned around and noticed that only black Americans were waiting to be seated. Because of that incident I have become more aware of subtle displays of prejudice. So, next time you see something that is not quite right, why not make life more interesting by speaking up, keeping safety in mind of course. Toronto is changing contrary to what our politicians tell us. I know because I have seen my city change and I have lived here most of my life. I would certainly enjoy a more boring city where there is less shootings, knife attacks, gangs, killings etc……But we can make changes by recognizing the problems and having more empathy for others. It is that time of the year to also examine your own life and wonder what it is you would like to change. Why? Ask yourself why you continue to live a life that you may not be happy with? Do you settle? There is comfort in settling. There is comfort in just complaining about being a victim. Change is difficult. Change is the unknown. Change is frightening. What is keeping you from helping yourself? What do you think?

Reposting "Professional Numbness" for all Emergency Services out there keeping us safe. I thank you for your service in whatever country you are.

Professional Numbness - Military, Police etc........ There are occupations out there where one has to be in control at all times. One is expected to resolve problems, calm people down in horrific situations and to respond appropriately at all times. In this day where there are cameras everywhere, there is an expectation of perfect responses to impossible situations. One is being judged by the media and the public. These are additional pressures. In my own training many years ago, I was briefed along with others that military, police, and physicians were statistically more prone to abusive relationships at home. I being young and thinking that such professions were among a higher standard of conduct was surprised. Now, being more mature, educated and down to earth with experience, understand what was told to me many years ago several times. Perfection does not exist. I think most people understand this. We all come from various backgrounds with various amount and depth of what is referred to as "baggage". Much of that baggage is screened for in various testing for various careers. There are also IQ tests etc.....for various occupations. What is there for testing the pain and emotional responses one physician feels when she loses a patient? What is there for testing a soldier who was forced to kill? What is there for testing a policewoman or man who for a second, had to make an instant decision, right or wrong? One thing that is common with these occupations is that there is an expectation of higher standard to be in control, to be wonderful; to be a hero. It is an occupation that an expectation is taken for granted. Now let's examine the person. What is going on inside? Is this person a machine? Is this person programmed for perfection? Does this person have anyone on his side? Who is in control of this person? Is he or she in the same occupation, with the same experiences? Is this person a politician who wants to have a job in the future in the right circles? Is this person going to support the struggles suffered by one man or woman who suffers when a child dies or an animal is abused beyond recognition, when one witnesses the scars and wounds and suffering that many are free from. I recently heard a speaker talk about a woman who was raped. As far as the speaker was concerned this woman was ok. At break time, I blurted out that this woman knew nothing about the sexual assault of a person (male or female). The thing is that people respond to situations and crises and many times, they do not even know how they feel. They put themselves on mute. At another training session, I heard how nurses who are so much in control can completely break down when a member of their own profession dies. This was not understood by the speaker. The speaker did not understand, that the tipping point was having someone close, a colleague die. All that suffering previously experienced was pushed aside, to function, to perform with professionalism. One aquaintance once was so angry, that others near us just tried to stay away from him. He was looked at with distaste. No one wanted to be near him. He was too angry. All professionalism gone.....There was no need to be professional. The setting was safe. "What happened" I asked. He told me that he was assisting with an abortion and the fetus was still alive, in a bucket. He held the fetus, in the room of the hospital until the fetus died. The mother never knew. As my aquaintance began to share more suffering without crying, the agitation slowly diminished into sorrow. He is a professional, able to keep facial and posture purfection at all times. There are professions who witness what others who judge them superficiously, cannot imagine. There is this aura of professional who protects and heals. Often there is no support system for them. Often it is inadequate. Often to seek help which should be considered normal, is deemed as weakness. There is this "professional numbness" that emergency personnel cultivate and develop, where feelings are surpressed, so that this illusion of professionalism and expectation can continue as expected by the people they serve. I like to use the anology of a pot with liquid on a stove, heating up and coming to a boil where the top finally pushes outward. This bottled and contained emotions are still there. They may be expressed with anger, with violence, and sadly with suicide. The best solution is to find that person you can talk to and share and explore those feelings. This is confidential. The only person who needs to know that you are getting help, is the same person who has contained this suffering without your own awareness. This Christmas give yourself the gift - the gift of life, the gift of helping yourself for a change.

A Christmas Tale (published)

I found myself standing alone, as the snow fell gently, Creating a pure white blanket on the asphalt, I was standing on. Looking at the Christmas scene outside St Charles Church, I felt sad that I did not have enough money for Christmas to shop; that I still had to prepare for a four hour exam. As I looked at the empty cradle of Jesus, my sadness increased. “Oh Lord, we have made such a mess of things. Here it is Christmas approaching, and our planet is suffering from global warming, we still fight and kill, in the name of God. The middle class is disappearing and corporations are merging and becoming powerful. The rich are getting richer while our poor are getting poorer. Our governments are deserting us Lord. Please do not give up on us. Please forgive us.” “I am hungry miss?” I turned and found a beggar beside me. I wondered why I had not heard him approaching. He was big framed, with dirty long hair, a fat and heavily pimpled face and a foul smell that not even the cool air could dissipate. His face was so dirty that I could not determine his skin color. His mittens were black and he wore a long woolen brown coat that looked frayed but thankfully warm and he wore heavy worn boots that had seen too many winters. “I am hungry miss.” He repeated with patience. I was holding my submarine sandwich which I had just bought. I had decided to give myself a treat. After all, Christmas was approaching and I deserved something. I had just stopped to admire the Nativity scene. I looked into those sorrowful big brown eyes and saw more sorrow than I could ever bare being reflected back to me. I handed him my submarine and whispered “Merry Christmas.” I didn’t know if wishing him a Merry Christmas was politically correct, but I did not care this evening. I wanted to be free, in my seemingly democratic country to say “Merry Christmas.” What has happened to my city, to my country, to my world? I thought with sadness. I had lowered my head and looked up to see my hobo gone. He had taken my sandwich and I wished him well. I walked back to my old, rusted car in the Church parking lot and unlocked it. There was my submarine sandwich waiting for me. I looked back towards the nativity set and saw the boot prints on the snow from the Nativity area, I had just come from. There was only one set of boot prints this late night that marred the soft blanket of snow.

I have reduced my ebook to $9.95 in lieu of the Christmas spirit.

Thought I would let you know that I have decreased my ebook from 15.95 to 9.95. If you do buy any of my books, feed back is always appreciated. I am all ready for Christmas and I have spent time with all my friends. Last night I had dinner with my old professor and I really had a good time. We discussed politics, culture, global warming, religion, psychology, music, and the Murdock Christmas special. I taped it but have still not watched it. I will. I over indulged in food at the Mandarin. I do love this place. I came home and found three gifts waiting for me. I must admit I love my life. So now that I have spent time with all my friends, I will work a bit today and tomorrow it will be family and family until New Years. I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Tis the season to be jolly, or is it?

Christmas is fast approaching. Are you ready? For the sake of this entry Christmas will include all holidays at this time of year for everyone, since many do not celebrate Christmas per say but do celebrate in one form or another, the season. This is my favourite time of the year. Christmas is only a few days away but I am already saturated. I have eaten so much that I am too weighed down to go to the gym (do you buy that excuse? The pool is closed for maintenance, and I do prefer the pool). Too many parties, too many meet-ups, too much of it all, so there goes my balance. I have over-indulged in fun. I have completed all my shopping and delivered gifts. I will be finished for my friends tomorrow and then the rest will be given out on Christmas Eve. On January 7, I will take all the Christmas stuff down and return to normal. Sound familiar? I do not bake and am still wondering if I should try to make an apple pie and have bought the crust. I didn’t realize so many people cheat. Not all of course. I do buy from men and women who do bake the old fashion way. When Christmas is over I think I will fast from all this festivity. I am in awe of the season and when it is over, I return to normalcy. One thing I also do this season since becoming a therapist is to be more available to clients because for many this season, people suffer greatly. People may dread spending Christmas alone because their soul mate has died, left them for someone else, or they need to be away from their family because of work or other reasons. Christmas may conjure up bad memories for those who have to relive abuse of one form or another. Then there is the in-laws who demand more or any children etc……the operative word being demand. And then there is the aunt or uncle or niece or other family member that you would rather not see but will have to tolerate for the holiday season. For many, Christmas is a horror story that never quits year after year. Life can be difficult. And at times you may feel powerless and that is not a comfortable place to be or is it? If you take back power for yourself, you will challenge those around you. I was recently reading some passages from a book about Trauma which I have at the office and studied in post grad. I don’t have the title or writer in memory right now but I will eventually refer to it again because it makes good points I would like to expand on for you. However, in one of the paragraphs I underlined, I read about a woman who is at her families’ Christmas party and she watches her father groping female relatives and suddenly she gets a flash back of her father entering her bedroom when she is a child. At this party and previous Christmas parties everyone laughs off the father’s groping. She remembers……… There is a reason you do not like Christmas or that you love Christmas. I have memories of my mother insisting that I sing Christmas carols with her by the artificial fire place (I have never had a real one and would like that someday especially with global warming and our infrastructure). Recently at a trip to Niagara Falls, I hung out with my 96 year old veteran and we were singing all the time when we had a stop at the casino at the end of a great day. We sang while walking, and in the elevator; and it was quite fun. We were singing Christmas carols. I thought of Christmas Eve and remembered my mom wanting to sing. I have good memories, as I get a flash back of singing and the wonderful feelings it brings, while for another he may have a horrible flashback and feel the trauma of that time in his present life. I encourage you this Christmas to get in tune with your feelings whether pleasant or unpleasant. What is happening inside you? What are you feeling? Can you describe it? Who are you with? What memories are conjured? Why? Recognizing what you feel and why can help you move on to the next question. What are you able to do about it? Nothing you say? Why? Remember you do have choices. You can look at your partner and decide that perhaps you can be more forthcoming? You can look at your parent and learn to start speaking your own mind and having your own identity, you can take another look at your sibling and understand that he is another individual who is different than you because of different experiences etc…..In other words, you can make a choice to take a stand and do something a little different to ask yourself why are you not happy this Christmas? And then maybe you can take one step forward to start a new life, a new beginning, a new decision to make your life if not happy, than less sad. Christmas is a time for family and friends and peace. If you are burdened by sadness then why not take this time to ask yourself why? When shopping for gifts, I happened to be at a popular mall and a young woman was telling her boyfriend that she wanted a popular expensive brand name item. He smiled at her and I was thinking “run.” However those were my values coming to the surface. This young man may be able to afford to buy her what she wants. He may want to know what she wants. Or he may have already bought something for her. A woman recently told me how her nieces do not appreciate gifts from the heart. They want money. She is somewhat grateful so she does not have to shop. We discuss the meaning of gifts. Another speaks of a teen not even opening his birthday gift but laying it aside. “I would have been excited receiving a gift!” she exclaims. “May be they have too much nowadays.” I remark. However, I am quite aware that there are many families who have barely enough money to buy food and pay their mortgages or rent. There is this other hidden side where in a country full of abundance has people depending on food banks. So how do we change things? The circle of violence, poverty, hatred, sadness etc….can be changed. We may be a product of our environment but we do have free choice. And if you feel you do not have a choice, than you have to ask yourself why you think that? Ask yourself, “What can I do to feel better about myself and those around me this Christmas? What can I do for myself to take a step to move forward to a new beginning? What do you think? Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Holidays! And Santa, don’t forget to stop at our house. Merry Christmas and drive safely…..

Donation requests galore - Don’t feel pressured to give. Learn to say no and discern.

Recently when receiving requests for a donation blitz from a church, a woman turned to me exasperated. “I already gave “ “ this year. Does this mean I have to give more in addition?” “No, you gave a lot I responded”. This did not pacify her as she was struggling with emotions of indecision. “There is the Sick Kids and the refugees, I want to help.” My response, “It is at times forgotten that Jesus was born in a stable.” I understand how difficult it is to say no. After years of studying and costly internships, I still felt sorry for people who could not afford therapy. There is no course for how to say no. There was a seminar I attended where a physician from another country, now a life coach type here in Canada penetrated what my own counsellor had been trying to get into my thick head in my years of study. “You need to charge what you should be charging”. My response, “I need my hours.” I was often approached by people who were quite well off wanting to see me because I needed hours. After my mandatory 1500 hrs and fully qualified to do what I do, I had to learn to say no. It is easy for me to say no to anything, except helping people because that is what I have been doing for a life time. However, I was always paid by an institution. My mother who taught me so much in life, once said, “You make money from the suffering of others.” My automatic response was, “So do physicians.” Her reply, “That is true.” So, though it was a long process I finally learned to say no. There are lots of services out there that are free to people who cannot afford it or do not have insurance. I am using myself as an example here. We live in a country where we are encouraged to help each other and that is a good thing. We also give donations when we ourselves may be in dire need. I have heard so many times of a student struggling with tuition still stopping to help someone on the streets. I do not give money to anyone on the streets but I will buy them a meal or give them food. I do not donate 2.00 at the grocery store when requested because I want my own donation receipts. Do corporations claim our money as theirs? I don’t know. Neither can the cashier tell me. I do at times buy bag of foods for the food bank at the same grocery stores. I do not give money when someone knocks on my door, however I do ask for brochures to examine and was just recently informed that they had none to save costs. I was suspicious and perhaps you should be too if people cannot prove who they claim to be. I think it is wonderful when people give of themselves and as Canadians I think we do our best. So please, if you want to give to a hospital or the refugees, or a church or a university do so. However, if you don’t for any reason why not take some time to discern why you feel anxious or distressed rather than good about giving? Jesus being born in a stable tells us a lot. Yet how many hear? I have learned to direct people to those who can at no fee or on a sliding scale of their affordability. Here in Toronto if you have no insurance and you are low income there are many resources for you. The Catholic Church is having a Family Planning blitz. Muslims are expected to donate 10% of their income to charity etc……….What have you done for someone else? I am often told by a friend of mine who is a practising Jew, “Charity begins at home.” She is so right and she donates to many good causes. Remember that even if you are poor there is something you can do. You can donate your own time, or you can be kind to someone and kindness goes a long way. So please do not feel bad this Christmas if you cannot keep giving. Remember that Jesus and his family were very poor and 2000 years later people still believe, so practise what he taught, was the most important, not money but the giving of self to others. This can be done in so many ways. What do you think?