Violent death and Grief’s Complication notes from a Kane Seminar

There is a lot of grief going on all over the place and so here is something I hope helps. Deaths from Traumatic Circumstances include accidents, suicide, homicide, Sudden, natural causes (heart attack, strokes, etc….I am going to include war and natural disasters(global warming is getting worse and it is important to deal with this). Sharing stories of how your life is impacted by his or her life. You need the opportunity to tell your story. You need to talk. Even if a person is not religious, you can still question where the person who died is now. This is spiritual. What does this loss mean? So who am I now? Therefore what does this mean and what changes. I as a therapist may ask “ So, what do you make of that?” Realize - Coming to terms with the reality of the death and the magnitude of grief’s pain. Hearing that door slam and thinking your spouse is at the door is normal. It is grief. Adapt at saying good-bye. Rituals are important. Grief is not something we recover from. There is no closure. We don’t move on. What we do is find a new place to stand. We find a new way to live with this loss. Learning to live - in spite. Bereavement reconstructs meaning to refocus life after significant loss. Trauma needs to be addressed first. You may also have a crises of faith. Find out the reason. eg. Priest saying you should be able to get over it (I hear this often from all people the person may know (this is also a time when relationships are reconsidered). Go back to the Minister and ask where they found that? This is empowering. Grief is about the relationship. A friend can be more powerful than a sibling. It’s the circle of care. You may have been sexually abused by a parent and grieve them. You are grieving the relationship you never had. With an alcoholic partner - you may grieve singing together at Christmas. Regarding pets: Visiting hours for a pet and a wake. Busy doing things - don’t put that down - coping skill. When grief is not socially approved, the person is not allowed to grieve. They are not worthy of their grief. This includes pets. Sometimes people grieving don’t have the words, but they may have a symbol or can express metaphors and revised narratives. When my dad died I felt like I was on a rollercoaster. Listen to those metaphors when you are trying to help someone. Pictures - ask what picture would you most likely want to use to describe how you want to be. Ask, “how would the new picture get developed?” Community: participate in activities, groups of people, Look at the past as a model for the future. Private funerals don’t work. People need to be with people, even if they say they don’t. You need to do stuff - sing, share stories with the dying or bereaved, preparing and presenting food, washing and dressing the body. Moving the dying/deceased and yourself. Positioning yourself - standing, kneeling, sitting. Memorials - wars. Faith, family community, individuals etc…(flight 93 heritage memorial. What is honour for some is trauma for others. How to take care of it - eg. a tree or flower. There needs to be a waiting period before erecting memorials. Time is needed to reflect, eg. a partner who killed a child. Children who do not participate going to a funeral suffer twice as much than from children who did go. I have written about children and grief here in an earlier article. Always feel free to ask a question. What do you think?