Intergenerational Family Therapy (notes)

During 7 May 21, I attended an on-line lecture by Dr Maurizio Adnolfi, MD. Dr Adnofli is a Child Psychologist and Family Therapist. He is currently practicing in Australia. He has also had a practice in Rome and in South America. It was held by the American Association of Family Therapy. I was very impressed with Dr Ardnofli. It was an excellent and informative lecture. Dr Adnofli spoke of incorporating families with couples and including children. One may also ask if the child was here what would the child say? Bring in the empty chairs. He suggested we look for three elements: 1. respect 2. Trust. 3. Intimacy. Multi generational means working beyond the couple. Dr Adnofli provided one case of a mother who always calls her son to see her whenever she is sick. The wife becomes upset because this is consistent. Stop the co-dependency. Working with children is easier to break this. In this case, the son went to his mother and explained that he has the responsibility of a family and needs to be with them. Mother has resources - call her doctor. Respect - not wanting to hear the other. Intimacy is difficult without the trust or respect. In Intergenerations, sometimes mom and dad are more important than the partner. Sometimes one person does not connect with family and runs away - thus cutting ties. She has own friends; he has own. Also, many couples both have separate jobs. Mixed couples - different cultures - need to feel that both are respected. Another problem is motivation. Generally wife is more motivated and husband follows. Look at the family structure - children most precious. A wife may have an idolized father (in between husband or wife has sick mother) The wife is never free to be herself. This can be a very dysfunctional family. Motivation can be reached. To make relational work, need to work with own family. As a therapist we can ask a couple to bring in the children as our consultants. If the couple feels like a team, good response. What about children inviting parents? Ask the child. What does it mean to idolize the father - because he is so big and she is so small? How to change that? It is more difficult to engage the husband because he is so distant - creates his family. Create their presence. If your father was here, what would he say? What would your father say about this relationship? Restore a better to us. All “stuff” has to become part of the therapy, their losses etc….Many couples suffer because they don’t tell each other how they feel. Take off the mask and they become vulnerable. Help them to restore their parental role, even if part is as a couple. In some situations, some couples are not ready for therapy. Children problems originate from family problems. One particular child had a great anger against his father. The anger was explored. The genogram was utilized to figure out the anger. This was a Jewish family. The parents came out of the war with anger stemming from the war. They were so angry but realized the child was experiencing that anger. The boy explained sadness as an ice box. The anger came from the terrible experiences of war. This exploration is very healing. In another situation, the mother is occupied with the children and the father feels left out. In-laws raise other problems. There is always a problem with too much dependence from a partner with his parent(s). The couple must take trust with partner and trust the therapist. Provide a space for motivation. Reach a point for some agreement. If the motivation comes from only one, there is little chance of success. Provide a space for motivation. If they come to us it is up to us to get them motivated. To motivate, have them look at their genogram. Runaway - no sense of belonging. Children can be a motivating factor. How do men repeat something through generations; Eg. Never had or could express his feelings? Dr Andolfi said that men don’t talk. They do sports, drink etc….Teach men to express how they feel. There is an end to a relationship - because don’t communicate their feelings etc…..Don’t take sides. Don’t project our issues and don’t confuse us with them. We as therapists are not perfect, but we must be aware of our limits. Use of a genogram is fantastic in couple therapy and family therapy - at least three genograms. I thoroughly enjoyed listening to Dr Andolfi. He has decades of experience along side with his impressive qualifications. When it was over, I paused to think of how much I could relate as per my own practice. I also thought of the differences in culture. I find that in North America there is a rush to get through couple therapy, family therapy or individual therapy. I am often asked how long is it going to take to feel better like three days? I usually respond that it took 10 or 20 or 30 or more years to actually get help so it may take some time. Sometimes, people look at therapy as a visit to a physician. Here take three pills and you should be good in…….. To save time I used to have client’s do their genogram as homework. Then we would discuss it in therapy. It’s a rush. Fix my kids, fix my feelings and fix it now. Then it is the money even by those who have lots of it. I don’t want a student, I want you but I don’t want to pay your fees. Can I get a deal if I take 6 sessions? etc……..Even during COVID it is a rat race. At times, it is clear what the problems are before seeing anyone. However, there are times when couples, individuals and families really are motivated to work out their problems and I have seen so much love in the most dysfunctional families and it is a pleasure to work with them because they are honest with each other and really want to improve their relationship. I sometimes see an individual, a couple or family. I have used the empty chair to represent some one for them to speak to. I haven used using the child as a consultant but will certainly do that in future when an opportunity arises. There are so many variants of offering therapy however the person, couple or family needs to be ready to receive it. If one person dominates a relationship and the partner doesn’t want that, a problem can arise if the partner is not willing to compromise. In North America, in my practice, I have managed to get two generations in for therapy, but three has been difficult. There is also still a stigma surrounding therapy within some families. However, the help is out there and by qualified people. That is important. For now that is all I am going to report. I could probably write a book on just this topic but there are so many out there. If you are reading this today, think about your own relationship with your partner, your parents, your children. Ask yourself if you feel respect, trust and intimacy with your partner? What do you think you need to provide or receive that? Are you motivated? What do you think? This afternoon I shall be attending another lecture held by the Canadian Association of Family Therapy. This will be about video counselling. It will probably be more useful for me than you, but if there is any information I think you may be able to use, I will as usual share. It will also grant me 3.5 education hours. I require 20 hours each year. Take care of yourselves. Keep safe during COVID and consider getting vaccinated asap. The States is offering wonderful incentives. I asked for a chocolate bar but no such luck. Have a good weekend.