THIRD REFLECTION Seminar Case 1 - Silva Redigonda - hypothetical case (RC)

People are faced with ethical decisions at some point of their lives. It is at times like that when they reach out to someone who is significant in their lives. It is also a time when they reach out to God. The person, who is reached out to, must respond wisely and respectfully after contemplation and prayer. As lay people who help those in need there is a responsibility not only for the person seeking help, there is a responsibility to God. The protagonist in this case is asking for help. How can he avoid slipping back in his battle with alcoholism? How does he deal with his issues of a vengeful God? How can he deal with his mother and siblings who seem to want to drag him back to his previous lifestyle? How does he deal with his mother who slanders his wife and is his wife a good choice? FACTS A 20 year old man wants to discuss what is bothering him to someone who is a simple but forceful, presentation in his life, present and past. He is being faced with some disturbances in his life concerning God, his mother and his own family. Protagonist is an alcoholic who has changed his life. He has tried to build a life of prayer. He has a career in the field of law and is advancing in the field. He is happily married but has an awareness that it may not have been a positive choice since his wife who he met from the “programme” is herself only recently sober. He and his wife now have a beautiful daughter who means the world to them both. He goes out of his way to be with and to demonstrate affection to his daughter and wife, the latter which he and his sisters were deprived from his parents. His father who recently died from the effects of alcohol was “occasionally” abusive. His father and mother also an alcoholic never admitted to any problem. His mother has “gotten religion” (15 years) and speaks of the wonders that God has done. Since becoming religious, his mother emphasizes questions of sexual guilt, notably in her children. His relationship with his mother and five sisters has gone from bad to worse, severed by his sobriety. His brothers and sisters do not like the way he challenges his mother. His mother claims his marriage is invalid since his wife is a drunk. He is gripped by fear of sin each time he receives communion. God as a vengeful God plaques him. He feels the need to go to mass more often and wonders if this is an older pattern of appeasing God. How should he pray? Should he go to confession more often? Sexual issues plague him. He loves his wife and is faithful. They have a loving relationship. Ethical Issues The protagonist is dealing with several serious concerns. These concerns involve denial of the seriousness of abuse he received from his father when he was alive, his struggles with his morals, his authoritative view of God and he is torn between his love for his own family and the struggles he is facing with his siblings and mother. Alcohol continues to be a burden he struggles within himself. His mother is constantly putting his wife down and any defense he partakes with his mother is challenged by his siblings. The protagonist has a loving family consisting of his wife and child. He has also managed to establish himself successfully with a career. Yet, he doubts that the marriage was a positive choice. Since he has been sober for much of eight years which indicates he was sober when he met his wife, one must question how much of him feels this on his own and how much is the influence of his mother who clearly dislikes his wife? Why does his mother dislike his wife? Is it because she has managed to become sober while his mother is still in denial? The mother is projecting much of herself on her son and his wife. She is probably the one struggling with sexual guilt. What sexual guilt is the protagonist facing? Does he feel guilt because he enjoys sex with his wife? Are there sexual problems? What are the “rocky” times he has had with his wife? When his mother refers to her son’s wife as a drunk is she is projecting herself? The protagonist may have to make a choice between his mother and siblings and his wife and child if the problems cannot be resolved. Though it is claimed that his mother has “gotten religion” for fifteen years, it does not appear to be a healthy relationship with God. Is this due to religion or her interpretation of religion which she seems to be transferring to her son? Is God a vengeful God? How can the protagonist heal his relationship with God? What is “occasionally” abusive in regards to the protagonist’s deceased father? Was this physical as well as the continual emotional abuse? The parents never admitted to a problem. What else went on in that home while the protagonist was growing up? How has the abuse effected his siblings? Is there anyone who is not an alcoholic among his siblings? PASTORAL RESPONSE The morality theology here is how do I deal with my mom and siblings while being true to my wife, child and myself? How do I trust God to love me? How should I deal with what is facing me without losing myself in the process? Finally and most important, “What is God enabling and requiring me to do in the present moment?” First I want to commend you on how hard you have worked to get to where you are. I realize that your journey is constant and difficult. Alcoholism is a disease and one that remains for life. Your steps taken to get to where you are and your determination to get help whenever you feel the need is inspiring. You have a child you and your wife love very much. You have found intimacy and affection with your small family. You saw something in your wife that drew you to her and you are happy with her. Your mother may not recognize the marriage and that is unfortunate because it is not your mother who has the authority. Mark 9: 7-9, states …A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. Since your mother has “gotten religion” you can suggest a meeting with the minister of her church. Your marriage is valid under the eyes of God and though you have both been through a difficult time, your love has prevailed. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word…He who loves his wife, loves himself…”(Ephesians 5:25). I would recommend that you and your spouse continue with A.A. meetings. You seem to think of God as a punishing God and thus you are feeling guilty about sexuality and receiving communion while believing without merit that you are unworthy. Many see God as they see their parents. It is not unusual for you to think of God in the way that you do because you experience God as you do your parents. Spiritual Direction will help you understand that God is a loving God and not a punishing and authoritative God. It is important that you talk with your wife and determine how she feels when she is with your family. Do they mistreat her? Are they verbally abusive? Do they demean her? How is this affecting her? Perhaps you may both go for family counseling if this is affecting you both. Indicating that your father was abusive on occasion is revealing. Abuse is abuse. I would recommend pastoral counseling or psychotherapy to help you deal with your past and present abuse from your parents/siblings. Continue to pray. Prayer is powerful. Take time each day to pray. Record your feelings daily. Note when you are sad and why. You have changed your life so much. What steps did you take to your journey of recovery and independence from your parents and siblings. Can you continue with things as they are with your mother and siblings? Since your mother has “gotten religion” consider a family intervention with the minister. She may or may not accept the invitation and she may not agree with the minister. Be prepared. Several years ago I went to a church near my parent’s home and heard a sermon that remained with me. The priest said the following in his sermon. I shall try to repeat it, as I heard it. The priest remarked how many people come to him because of their sufferings. He told this story. There was a mother who had a rope and she threw herself over a bridge landing softly on the ground at the bottom where she became stranded. She pulled the rope down and as a result she could not climb back up. Her daughter happened to walk along the bridge. The mother called out to her daughter, imploring her to help her back up. The daughter found a rope and with great difficulty managed to pull her mother up. The mother again used her own rope to fall to the ground and pulled the rope down so that she could not climb back up. Again she called out to her daughter to help her back up onto the bridge. The daughter threw her rope again so that she could pull her mother up. This was very difficult and she begged her mother not to do that again because she did not think that she had the strength to pull her up. Her mother once again went over the bridge, pulling the rope back down. This time when she called out to her daughter, her daughter said she just couldn’t do it anymore. As painful as this was for the daughter, she knew she had no more strength in her to lift her mother. The priest concluded his sermon by indicating that we do have a sense of responsibilities to our families but when that relationship becomes destructive so that it darkens our soul, then we must remember that God does not want our soul to darken because our soul belongs to God. CONCLUSION Alcoholism is a disease which lasts a life time. Sometimes one has to separate himself from anything that will drag him back down in that abyss. Children of alcoholics have the burden of having to endure the associated abuse of alcohol. Anon is an organization which can help families in and from these homes. When all fails and the parents fails to acknowledge their own disease then they themselves become the abuser and not necessarily through their own fault. At times one must take a stand and claim God and his immediate family as the priority. If that means distance, from further abuse after all else fails, then that is all that can be done.