Sibling Therapy - by Dr Karen Lewis - notes

This was an hour and a half interactive talk about sibling therapy by Dr Karen Lewis held by the Ontario Association of Couple and Family Therapy. Would I recommend her? Yes. She has over 50 years of experience and anyone in this line of work for that long should get an award. (speaking of awards, what did you think of the Grammy’s?) Dr Lewis is very amiable. She has a book entitled Sibling Therapy: The Ghost from Childhood that haunt your client’s love and work. I have to make a point of reading it. She is an International speaker and delightful. She has been inundated with referrals and wants more people to work with siblings. She needs more people to be doing this. For this talk she wanted to discuss no more than two siblings because she feels it is too complicated with more for the time we had. She has worked with up to 10 siblings (I have worked with about a maximum of 6 and sometimes with a parent or two). She indicated that the ghosts- the holidays and the images of children from childhood never age. This effects how siblings perceive each other as children which can be negative or positive. Eg. Brother, five years of age and sister, three years of age. Client can see a hand or something and react to the brother as when they were young. On the other hand if a brother is on a pedestal, there is only one way to go. She is not seeing her sibling as he is now. This is not fair to him or her. We were watching slides where as a youth an older brother has his hand on his sisters shoulder. This will be remembered even when the sister is 80 or 90. When the brother is seen as mean, this will also be remembered. Parents assign the roll of the child. This may be as the trouble maker, the good and bad child, funny or protector, the lazy one. There is nothing wrong with roles unless it becomes crystallized. Sometimes parents do this for the best of intentions. Eg. Playing hockey - the parent urges the child who isn’t as good as the sibling to try something else. The message is competition is not good. Females with eating disorders - If competition is not allowed than one goes underground. Usually with two sisters, one doesn’t know she is being competed against. For example one sister may be smart, the other thinks, I may not be smart, but I can be thinner. This leads to polar opposites. Dr Lewis asked us how many remembered Jimmy Carter’s brother. Jimmy Carter was President, the good boy, smart and successful. His brother - an alcoholic. Has gone down. This is common among actors. Sarah was an incredible choreographer. She kept going to auditions, was successful but always quit. As the younger sister, it was determined that she couldn’t be successful if her older sister wasn’t. The more one held herself back, the other did as well. Healthy loyalty is not bad. Then there is unhealthy loyalty. It involves accepting parents rules, roles and expectations, often passed down generations. She has seen it traced back to five generations. Maintaining unhealthy loyalty is unconscious. There were two children who fought a lot. “I was the golden boy; I had great friends and became a failure at 12 th grade.” What was the sister like? She was terrible. When he started being a failure, she got better. She diagnosed him with unhealthy loyalty. (I don’t believe that is a disorder with the DSM, but a good assessment with this kind of language). After three sessions, the brother was able to see it. These feelings got transferred into people in their lives. Siblings are the first peer relationships, the first marriage. Childhood can be a laboratory for how children relate - learn or didn’t learn to co-operate to move from one loving and fighting. It is also a time to learn when to exert power and when to withdraw. Manipulation, tattle telling, that is what we learn as a child and pull it up, what we learned and didn’t learn with a spouse. It can lead to sibling transference in love relationships. Her own brother had a particular look when he was mad. She went somewhere and knocked on the door. The man who came to the door had that same look, that made her scared. This pattern can be broken. Assessing for a sibling connection. - Is stuck in a unhealthy role in one or more relationships or has a pattern of unhealthy connections. Is having marital problems, keeps losing a job, being fired, quiting, difficulty with co workers, has few friends or dysfunctional and feels isolated. If as a therapist you are stuck, talk about siblings. What would your sibling do in this situation? How is your sibling’s marriage? Who makes the most money and has the most prestige? Twins - younger or older? Always called the twins. ADD maybe not identified and has nothing to do with sibling. That is all for this portion. I looked up Dr Lewis’ book and it sells for about $40+ for hardcover but it is about half price for an ebook. I prefer holding books in my hands. I do think her book is worth reading and will probably do so myself. If you have been reading my blogs, you would have remembered a Psychologist, now living in Italy. He said he would love to bring the entire family in for sessions and I am the same. I have seen the dynamics so different if it is therapy for one person, for a couple, for siblings and siblings with parents, etc….This is why I will not go to court. I don’t think we get the entire picture because it is so systemic. When I talk more about the Men’s Conference, there will be some attitude from at least one lawyer regarding what he thinks about therapists. I understand, the therapist is not supporting what you want to hear in support of your client. I shall wait until, it comes up to add more. For now, even though the book may be considered expensive for about 230 pages or so, it may help you understand your sibling(s). I find this work very fulfilling and satisfying. When you see people struggle in such unhealthy ways without realizing why, and you get them to step away from themselves, it is quite rewarding. Again, I want to add that any errors here are not that of Dr Lewis, but myself. I have big shoulders. Take care.