Intergenerational Family Therapy (notes)

During 7 May 21, I attended an on-line lecture by Dr Maurizio Adnolfi, MD. Dr Adnofli is a Child Psychologist and Family Therapist. He is currently practicing in Australia. He has also had a practice in Rome and in South America. It was held by the American Association of Family Therapy. I was very impressed with Dr Ardnofli. It was an excellent and informative lecture. Dr Adnofli spoke of incorporating families with couples and including children. One may also ask if the child was here what would the child say? Bring in the empty chairs. He suggested we look for three elements: 1. respect 2. Trust. 3. Intimacy. Multi generational means working beyond the couple. Dr Adnofli provided one case of a mother who always calls her son to see her whenever she is sick. The wife becomes upset because this is consistent. Stop the co-dependency. Working with children is easier to break this. In this case, the son went to his mother and explained that he has the responsibility of a family and needs to be with them. Mother has resources - call her doctor. Respect - not wanting to hear the other. Intimacy is difficult without the trust or respect. In Intergenerations, sometimes mom and dad are more important than the partner. Sometimes one person does not connect with family and runs away - thus cutting ties. She has own friends; he has own. Also, many couples both have separate jobs. Mixed couples - different cultures - need to feel that both are respected. Another problem is motivation. Generally wife is more motivated and husband follows. Look at the family structure - children most precious. A wife may have an idolized father (in between husband or wife has sick mother) The wife is never free to be herself. This can be a very dysfunctional family. Motivation can be reached. To make relational work, need to work with own family. As a therapist we can ask a couple to bring in the children as our consultants. If the couple feels like a team, good response. What about children inviting parents? Ask the child. What does it mean to idolize the father - because he is so big and she is so small? How to change that? It is more difficult to engage the husband because he is so distant - creates his family. Create their presence. If your father was here, what would he say? What would your father say about this relationship? Restore a better to us. All “stuff” has to become part of the therapy, their losses etc….Many couples suffer because they don’t tell each other how they feel. Take off the mask and they become vulnerable. Help them to restore their parental role, even if part is as a couple. In some situations, some couples are not ready for therapy. Children problems originate from family problems. One particular child had a great anger against his father. The anger was explored. The genogram was utilized to figure out the anger. This was a Jewish family. The parents came out of the war with anger stemming from the war. They were so angry but realized the child was experiencing that anger. The boy explained sadness as an ice box. The anger came from the terrible experiences of war. This exploration is very healing. In another situation, the mother is occupied with the children and the father feels left out. In-laws raise other problems. There is always a problem with too much dependence from a partner with his parent(s). The couple must take trust with partner and trust the therapist. Provide a space for motivation. Reach a point for some agreement. If the motivation comes from only one, there is little chance of success. Provide a space for motivation. If they come to us it is up to us to get them motivated. To motivate, have them look at their genogram. Runaway - no sense of belonging. Children can be a motivating factor. How do men repeat something through generations; Eg. Never had or could express his feelings? Dr Andolfi said that men don’t talk. They do sports, drink etc….Teach men to express how they feel. There is an end to a relationship - because don’t communicate their feelings etc…..Don’t take sides. Don’t project our issues and don’t confuse us with them. We as therapists are not perfect, but we must be aware of our limits. Use of a genogram is fantastic in couple therapy and family therapy - at least three genograms. I thoroughly enjoyed listening to Dr Andolfi. He has decades of experience along side with his impressive qualifications. When it was over, I paused to think of how much I could relate as per my own practice. I also thought of the differences in culture. I find that in North America there is a rush to get through couple therapy, family therapy or individual therapy. I am often asked how long is it going to take to feel better like three days? I usually respond that it took 10 or 20 or 30 or more years to actually get help so it may take some time. Sometimes, people look at therapy as a visit to a physician. Here take three pills and you should be good in…….. To save time I used to have client’s do their genogram as homework. Then we would discuss it in therapy. It’s a rush. Fix my kids, fix my feelings and fix it now. Then it is the money even by those who have lots of it. I don’t want a student, I want you but I don’t want to pay your fees. Can I get a deal if I take 6 sessions? etc……..Even during COVID it is a rat race. At times, it is clear what the problems are before seeing anyone. However, there are times when couples, individuals and families really are motivated to work out their problems and I have seen so much love in the most dysfunctional families and it is a pleasure to work with them because they are honest with each other and really want to improve their relationship. I sometimes see an individual, a couple or family. I have used the empty chair to represent some one for them to speak to. I haven used using the child as a consultant but will certainly do that in future when an opportunity arises. There are so many variants of offering therapy however the person, couple or family needs to be ready to receive it. If one person dominates a relationship and the partner doesn’t want that, a problem can arise if the partner is not willing to compromise. In North America, in my practice, I have managed to get two generations in for therapy, but three has been difficult. There is also still a stigma surrounding therapy within some families. However, the help is out there and by qualified people. That is important. For now that is all I am going to report. I could probably write a book on just this topic but there are so many out there. If you are reading this today, think about your own relationship with your partner, your parents, your children. Ask yourself if you feel respect, trust and intimacy with your partner? What do you think you need to provide or receive that? Are you motivated? What do you think? This afternoon I shall be attending another lecture held by the Canadian Association of Family Therapy. This will be about video counselling. It will probably be more useful for me than you, but if there is any information I think you may be able to use, I will as usual share. It will also grant me 3.5 education hours. I require 20 hours each year. Take care of yourselves. Keep safe during COVID and consider getting vaccinated asap. The States is offering wonderful incentives. I asked for a chocolate bar but no such luck. Have a good weekend.

5-Minute Meditation You Can Do Anywhere

Catechetical Instruction of the Trinity for children of a Parish

Silva Redigonda This catechetical instruction of the Trinity has been designed for children in a new program yet to be implemented as part of a Spiritual Direction initiative for children. Parents are permitted to attend, but the program is designed for children to ultimately develop a personal healthy image of God. The community is a local Roman Catholic Parish. The first communion preparation class will be attending and it has been advertised in the weekly bulletin and community paper that children seven to twelve years of age are encouraged to attend for the beginning of a Spiritual Direction initiative. Older children are also welcome to attend and feedback will be encouraged after the first session with a coffee hour. Children regardless of religious affiliations are invited to attend with their parents bearing in mind that the catechetical instruction has been designed for Catholic children preparing to receive communion. This will be conducted by xxxxxxxxxxxx, Saturday, xxxxxx11 at 1:pm in the church basement. Refreshments will be provided after the session which is expected to last 30 minutes. Questions and opinions from the children will be encouraged. The Instruction Good morning children. Are you ready for communion? This is a special time for you as you prepare to receive communion. When I was young like you, a young priest came into our school and talked to us about Adam and Eve. He told us that it was a story so that people would understand it. Today I am going to tell you a story. I am going to tell you about the Trinity. You are only seven and some of you are eight but when you become as old as I am, you will remember some of this, as I remembered, and that will be good. Can you imagine me being seven? We all were once. The Trinity is explained to us in the Bible. So I am going to read a little bit of the Bible, and then talk to you about it, and then explain that part of the Trinity. I will also show you how it all comes together and you will be able to understand the Trinity better. Ok? What I want to talk about right now is God. Close your eyes and think who God is. Who is God to you? Let us share that for a few moments (Class shares their opinions). Now, how many here talk to God? (show of hands) How do you do that? (class share their thoughts). So can we say that when we talk to God we are praying? (feedback) We can learn who God is from the Bible. We may read the Bible and it can be a prayer too, just like when we talk to God. Can you tell me what the Trinity means to you? (responses) When I was your age I was told that the Trinity is a clover. How many of you have seen a clover or know what a clover is? (Responses from class to describe clover) The clover is one, as the Trinity is one. You have all told me who God is to you. Now we are going to read from the Bible and look for some answers. First I shall read Deuteronomy 4: 32-34 and 39-40 (read). Here we are told who God is. “Lord is God in heaven above and on the earth beneath; there is no other.” (Deut. 4:39) So we know that God is one because there is no other and God is everywhere and not only in one place. God is here with us and elsewhere. So, God is everywhere. “God created human beings on the earth…”(Deut. 4: 32) So God made us. Now with all this we can be quite sure that God is a mystery who can do so much and is greater than…..what?? We cannot imagine anything greater than God who created us and everything else. God is an amazing mystery. We can also be sure that God is there for us and is on our side, “as the Lord your God did for you in Egypt before your very eyes (Deut. 4:34)?” Are there any questions? Now I am going to read Ps 33: 4-5, 6, 9, 18-19, 20, 22 (read). Again we are told who God is, “The word of God is upright…all his work is done in faithfulness…He loves righteousness and Justice…the earth is full of the steadfast love of the Lord…” So, by knowing what God loves, we know who God is. God is faithful, God is love, God is just etc….And once again we are told God has made us so God is creator who loves us. Let’s talk about Jesus. We know Jesus was a man. But we also know that Jesus Christ is God. We really get to know and understand this at Easter when Jesus who has died has risen from the dead. Now I shall read, Mathew 28: 16-20. We learn that eleven disciples went to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. Now Jesus has already died so when they see Jesus they worship him but some even doubt Jesus. Jesus tells them that all the authority of heaven and earth has been given him, and his disciples are to go out and baptize them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. So we know that God created the world and is in charge of it and we know that Jesus Christ is in charge of heaven and earth and so we know that Jesus Christ is God and we know that Jesus Christ is telling us to baptize in the name of God as father, God as son and God as Holy Spirit. Therefore, God is father, son and Holy Spirit. Think of the clover with the three separate parts, yet it is one. This is how I began to understand. You are all here preparing for communion and the first thing you shall be doing is going to confession. So to help you with your confession will be the ten commandments that was mentioned in the first reading, “Keep his statues and his commandments” Deut. 4: 40. The word spirit is not different from God. When we go to confession or we ask for God to forgive us, the Spirit forgives us and God is again pleased with us. If we reject the spirit, we reject that forgiveness and then we are not forgiven. So we do not reject the spirit who forgives us. Think of the Holy Spirit as a verb, doing things, an action. You have studied verbs in school right? The Holy Spirit forgives (Prof Mongeau, 12 Oct 10). Have you seen the Holy Spirit at work in any of the other readings today? (response) Remember the first reading when God is speaking out of a fire (Deut 4:33)? The Holy Spirit is doing something. The Holy Spirit is speaking out of a fire and that is God speaking so the Holy Spirit and God is one. And now for our final reading for today, Romans 8: 14-17 (read). Here it all comes together for us. The Spirit does things, so the Spirit of God leads us and when we allow ourselves to be led, we are children of God. And if we are children of God, we are children of Christ who suffered and when we suffer with Christ we are also glorified with Christ. Think of getting lost in a forest. Spooky, huh? But the Holy Spirit comes to bring you out, so you follow the Holy Spirit and when you follow the Holy Spirit, you follow God, the father and Jesus Christ, the son, because the Trinity is one. So you know that you can find meaning of the Trinity in the Old Testament and in the New Testament. In the New Testament we also get to know Jesus and when Jesus dies and returns, we have an understanding that Jesus is God. God is Father, son and Holy Spirit. When I was little like you, I thought of a clover as the Trinity for many years. I now pray to God and ask for understanding. Remember who God is. God is a beautiful mystery and is greater. We know that there is nothing greater since God created all. When you pray, as I pray, ask for understanding. Children are very special to God. I now have even a more powerful image of the Trinity as you will one day after you learn more and pray more and grow more. But, even if you just remember some of this, when you hear someone else speak of the Trinity, remember you can find the Trinity in the Bible in both the Old Testament and the New Testament. It is in the New Testament after Jesus has risen that it all comes together. We know that Jesus is God. You will understand and get to know who God is as Father, Son and Holy Spirit, by just talking to God and asking. Thank you, for coming today. I hope to spend more time with you. Maybe we can talk more about how you feel about God. As you prepare for Holy Communion, you will be asking for forgiveness and the Holy Spirit who does things will forgive, you will soon be receiving Jesus Christ and when you receive communion, you will be receiving the communion of God as father, Jesus Christ, as son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Bibliography Prof Mongeau, Gilles, Class room B, Regis College, (class instruction). The Bible. New Revised Standard Version Bible with Apocrypha, Catholic Edition. Hendrickson Publishers, Peabody, 1993.

York University’s False Memories disappoints

First of all I want to say that I love York University. I earned my Psychology degree from there. I enjoyed carrying a York University binder at the University of Toronto during Grad studies just to keep things interesting. I obviously love the University of Toronto as well. I received a lovely coffee cup from York University Alumni a few days ago for attending webinars. I cannot complain about what I have learned from either universities, but yesterday I was disappointed. First, I asked in the Question portion if I could get a copy of the slides. I received no answer and then I made a comment and asked about research and received no reply. This is a first. No matter which live webinar or seminar etc…when a question exists, there is usually some sort of reply. Apparently 500 people had registered. Not all are Canadians. I was really excited about attending this. It began with an organization representing Victims. However, what was brought on was Therapists being responsible for creating false memories during therapy and a case was mentioned where a person after therapy no longer wanted to have contact with her family because she had memories of abuse which we were informed, did not exist. Now, I am thinking, how is it known it did not exist? Then they talked about a bill about stopping this from happening. By now I am scratching my head wondering what I have attended. I have read articles a long time ago regarding therapists responsible for implanting false memories. It was before I became a therapist. I studied memory in my undergrad and therefore I found the research depicted in this seminar very basic and not based on trauma. Then the Host named a book written by a therapist and trashed it. Maybe I should write a book on therapy and see who trashes mine - just for the excitement. This Psychologist Host was also surprised when a speaker who had talked about false memories, began receiving death threats. Now that is becoming common place and I think it is not surprising at all. However, I also believe that the culprits should be charged. I was still trying to figure out what I was attending. First of all I find it in very poor taste to publicly demean any therapist’s book to the world. If you believe that the book is harmful or the therapist is causing harm than there is a complaint process. The therapist is investigated and then it is posted for the world to see. One speaker with slides indicated that memory is malleable and reconstructed which is true. The slide also revealed that as of April 2021, 375 people were falsely imprisoned based on eye witness identification. Of 61 cases, the average time served was 14 years; 29% confessed. I had just recently watched a documentary of a person who had confessed but was innocent of killing his child. This was in the States. There were books mentioned which would be interesting such as “Picking Cotton” Our Memoir of Injustice and Redemption and The Lawyer’s guide to the Forensic Sciences. What I was hearing during this webinar was sloppy police work. But then again, I don’t have all the facts in any of this to make a clear assessment. The man Cotton was falsely accused of rape. This is probably in the States because I cannot remember anyone in Canada serving so much time. Again that would not take too much time to look up. The survivor in this case had reported that that she would remember the man who raped her because she studied his face to be able to identify him. However, she was shown him in two separate incidents and so she recalled seeing him before. So, when she saw him the second time, in her mind there was that recognition of him being her rapist. He was cleared by DNA. This makes me wonder of when this occurred because we have had DNA evidence for some time now. I don’t know how dated this is or if it is sloppy police work. Now there is some work in changing policies - Policy and procedure recommendations for the collection and preservation of eye witnesses Id evidence (2020). Jeopardy in the Courtroom 2020, Stephen Ceci and Maggie Bruck (sp). Then the topic of children came up and how reliable are they? They reported that children as young as four are able to remember into adulthood. “Tell me what happened” was the phrase suggested for questioning them. I know that police are trained to ask open ended questions. Personally I think that the police in Canada are trained quite well. Now, that doesn’t mean that there are no problems with how some incidents are investigated. However, I have a problem of an all or nothing concept - All police are great or all are bad. I see this as a disturbing trend. Even yesterday two Officers were injured trying to break up a homeless encampment. The arrested offenders were demonstrators having nothing to do with the encampment. We need to take assaults against the police very seriously. Back to the webinar. The question asked: Is opening up memories beneficial? Of course the Psychologist annoyed me again when she blurted out that when clients come to see you for a reason you should stick to that. Really? Really? It was in my undergrad that our Prof Psychologist with a private practice revealed that a person would see him for one reason and it would be something else entirely different that was the cause of her anxiety. One speaker said that dreams can be a source of false memories. Our host asked him about hypnosis. He told her to stay away from it. One of my professors at York had studied hypnosis and was disappointed as well. According to her if my “memory” serves me well, it relaxed the client but was not very effective for anything else. I suppose she isn’t at York University anymore if this question is being posed to a visiting lecturer. Now I will provide my perspective if “memory” is serving me right. My education at York University is a grounded one which is why I was so disappointed with this webinar. There are things that I simply cannot talk about because I think it would be unethical in providing my views. However what I will say is that research is extremely important. The reason I took a different direction for my Masters is because I don’t want to do research. However, that is getting more difficult to avoid. In Canada we have a process, a legal process that Lawyers and Police need to abide in. There are rules to abide in for every aspect. The court and only the court room is a place to determine if a person is guilty of a crime, not public opinion. There is a legal process. When this process is abused or not abided by then a case can be thrown out of court. It is a more complex system but I am trying to keep it short and simple. Now perhaps I was missing the picture during this webinar. It spoke of false memories as basic false memories and the research provided was not based on therapists being responsible for instilling false memories regarding abuse. If we are going to make a statement such as that then it requires supporting evidence. If we are going to bash a therapist’s book perhaps I would like the opportunity to read it first. Then again perhaps that is better left in a classroom where there can be some serious research and debate. What I can tell you is that aside from my education which is clearly important, I have a wealth of experience. However, I am a student for life. I am consistently weaving myself. I have had clients who have suffered at the hands of therapists in conversion therapy. This was before it was regulated. I have seen the harm. When I have a new client, I will ask how I can help them, what they would like work with etc….However, what clients need is to feel safe and validated. I believe my clients. I have heard so much about human suffering. I have heard of child abuse, sexual abuse, sexual assault’s etc…..Last night I was watching a documentary of Hoko Horam where a child of 14 years of age was raped by 10 men and found bleeding by the 18 year teen forced to help abduct her or she herself would be killed. The 14 year old had been captured in a village and her parents killed trying to prevent the kidnapping. The 18 year old had also been taken from her family when she was 14. One of these terrorists were holding her arm and her brother was holding her other arm trying to protect her until he was stabbed. She fainted and her mother fainted. She awoke in the woods, in their custody. This 18 year old could hear the screams throughout the night and was told to bring the girl food. The girl did not eat or drink but died alone because the 18 year old was not allowed to be with her. The amount of tragedy that occurs and the horrors that people experience is horrendous world wide. Fortunately in our country and in the West we have laws to protect all of us equally. That is something that needs to continue because in recent years we have observed how delicate democracy can be. When I have a client who has suffered sexually by a parent, a step parent, a family relative, a family friend, you bet I believe him and her. When a veteran suffers PTSD, you bet I believe him and her. This is trauma. I have mentioned a three day sexual assault course, I took in a previous career. I shall mention it again here. To introduce us to the course we had a survivor of sexual abuse. She told us she was raped growing up, by her biological father and brother. She was strong enough and brave enough to lay a complaint with the OPP Officer leading the course. She said she was able to pour out everything because the Officer never looked at her watch. In this situation the mother told her that there was never any such abuse that had occurred and that it was all made up. The mother told her daughter that she was shaming the family and that she was no longer welcome. What a start to a program! I later asked the Officer if it was a conscious effort not to look at her watch. It wasn’t. I tell my clients that they can report such incidence to the police. I tell them because it is important for them to know that they have options. They can make their own decisions. I see clients who don’t know what is bothering them, why they can’t sleep or eat or drink too much, are aggressive etc…….And sometimes but not always people do need to look at their past to make peace with it and move forwards, depending on the individual and what they bring to the therapy room. How many parents will admit sexually abusing their children? Deny, deny deny. Will there be mistakes? Of course. My job is helping people. It is up to them if they want a relationship or not. I will talk about that more in my talk about couple and family therapy. For now I said my peace of false memories. There are certain situations that are so terrifying that the body responds to the trauma. Yes, in general we all do have false memories. There is just too much information which is stored in our brain. It is all there. We perceive things differently. You can have two brothers in the same scenario as children and both remember things quite differently as adults. That is normal. If we are going to talk about false memories of abuse I want to see more specific data supporting that statement. What I associated the slides with was elementary - Watson. I am excited about tonight. I will be attending a Sisters in Crime event and Michael Kaufman is the guest speaker who recently became a member of Sisters in Crime. I studied a few of his books in Social Science at York University, Man and Masculinity. So,,,,,excited…. Take care of yourself.

I love how my next book is coming along......

I wrote a bit this morning and felt excited as I saw that I was at 133 pages. I am at my best in the morning whether it is to write or work. Holy Terror is always nearby if I am not seeing clients. She wants to rest her little head against my hand when I am typing away and obviously that doesn't work well because I need to continue moving it to reach the keys. Mr Attitude however, has his breakfast and goes back to bed after some fresh air. I am very pleased with my story. I am now at the part where things are starting to come together. This is about good and evil. This is about demons. This is about murders. This is about ..........that is enough. I don't want to spoil it for you. I don't remember being this excited about my other books when writing. This morning I was talking to a neighbour bright and early while drinking my coffee on my front steps. He was telling me about who has COVID and how he had decided to retire. I was pleased for him and wondered if I retired how much more time I would have to actually sit and write. However, I can't see myself retiring. Perhaps it is because I actually enjoy helping people. So, for now, I will take these moments to write for fun and hopefully one day have people actually buy my books without me being there to show my lovely self. Perhaps I shall learn more about the business side, but for now, I love writing and if it is a hobby as it has been for most of my life so be it. Have I completed my murders in this book? Have I gathered the good, bad, and ugly? Will my protagonist put it all together? Will he survive? Will he find love? Will he find peace? One thing I will tell you. He is on a rollercoaster of his life but Holy Terror is there too. And where my baby girl is, well let's say she has quite a voice. http://silvaredigonda.ca

Providing Compassionate Psychosocial Spiritual Care and Counselling during COVID 19 crises, demands, challenges- responses -Conclusion

I want to continue with Eugene Dufour’s workshop before I move on to other webinars I have attended. Last Friday I attended a lecture about Family Therapy which I want to talk to you about. It was a great refresher and much along my own training. But first, back to Eugene. I have never received his slides. But that is ok because I take good notes. I have talked about children before and how important it is to be honest with them. Eugene said that children can handle the known but not the unknown. He provided a case where a mother had been diagnosed with cancer. When he asked her child to draw a picture of the family, she had drawn her mother with no arms. He asked the child why her mom had no arms; she replied that she no longer hugged her. In her mind cancer had taken away the arms that would hold her. Once the mother was informed, she began to hold her again. The mother had been overwhelmed by the cancer and shutting down. Crayons is very telling when utilized. I have also used crayons with adults with special needs. They can draw expressions and the use of colours to express moods, it is a tool to help those to express themselves who may not be able to. Another case discussed involved a firefighter who had performed CPR to a mother in a car accident. He had difficulty with this case where the mother had died. He would wake up every night suffering. He was asked to go to the scene; a patrol car went as well. Two other firefighters went with him at 3am. Then at 12:00. The patrol car would go as well. This eventually progressed to meeting at Tim Horton’s at 08:00. Soldiers from Trenton to the Swiss Airline crash at Peggy’s Cove was also talked about - the suffering of isolation of being two in a boat looking for bodies. What was also talked about was where suicide is most prominent - the Golden Gate in the U.SA. and Niagara Falls where people fall to their deaths. Eugene spoke quite impressively of the Niagara Falls Park Police who wanted to be sensitive in helping their own. He spoke of Insurance Companies who turn down 60% of claims because they don’t expect the claimants to fight, even though they have an entitlement. People give up. Another incident involved 25 children, four to five years of age. The baby sitter had drowned in the pool. They watched her being resuscitated. She died. Police gave each child a teddy bear. The child was asked how the teddy bear felt. What was also discussed about the need for 12,000 PSW’s and much less was hired which wasn’t working - able to retain 8000. Eugene talked about one case where he was hired by a son to work with his mother. The son fired him, but he continued to work with the mother. The son died two years later and never had come around to him continuing work with the mother. I am not going to talk about my own work with families, until I begin talking about family therapy, next on my topic to share. Remember how Eugene likes hitting his tree (and then listening to music afterwards)? He suggested for therapists to find a mentor. offer to be a mentor; find a Support group. He has his own group. He had a wise Psychologist during his internship to deal with the stress of his training. Life long education is helpful. Focus on sharing stories. I have had the great fortune of having two wonderful mentors. Unfortunately they have both died. Both were Jesuit priests, one being my professor and the other my own Pastoral Counsellor during my studies and internships. They also became my close friends. We often had long discussions and great meals. I have had students reach out to me time and I have heard them. I belong to a weekly support group of marriage and family therapists where we also have case consultations. There is so much experience in the room and at some point we have each provided a scenario looking for feedback. Life long education is mandatory for me. I sometimes toy about the idea of doing a doctorate, which would take lots of money and time, which I don’t really have at this time. Nor, do I need a doctorate, however, growth is important to me. I have a ritual where I wake up each morning, put a bowl of water outside for the neighbourhood dogs and which my own pets guard. I surround myself with nature and read some breviary one of my mentors gave me and some other passages. I then watch the news all before starting my day. I often suggest my clients spend time in nature. For those who hate nature and they exist, I suggest they find something that they find soothing. Some don’t know what that is. That is the opportunity for discovery. Find that place where you can relax. It can be in real time or in your mind. However, find it. I often suggest that clients find support groups. Be mindful of that however. Make sure it is legitimate. I have had complaints that what they thought they joined, had ulterior motives…such as promoting hatred of women or religion or God….Part of my work can be having my own therapy group, or assisting others in support groups. Eugene spoke of pain that doesn’t go away but it does soften. I have found that sometimes people have to look back and deal with the past before they move forward. Sometimes people can be stuck in a painful past that affects their present. I usually encourage journaling which is beneficial. I also add if anything is brought up that is too painful, to stop and bring that pain to therapy. Eugene mentioned one client who lived out in the country. He complained when he was told it was nice to see him, that he wanted to be asked how he was. This person had lied about his age to go to war. He was told that he would not go to the front lines. He had been carrying groceries when a bomb went off. Another soldier had put his finger on his artery to stop the bleeding. He was brought to a Canadian Base. He had been wearing a watch which stopped the shrapnel from killing him. He had been with another youth who had died. When this client went into the hospital to die, he asked for him. He wanted to thank him. He didn’t want to talk about trauma. When he used to visit him in his rural community, the first 40 minutes would be spent talking about birds and deer and then “did you have any dreams lately?” I too ask about dreams with suffering clients. We all dream. I usually suggest having a note pad and pen by the bedside and before actually getting out of bed to just stay in that moment and stay with the dream you just had. If you get up, you will forget it. I had a friend who managed to fight off cancer. We got together perhaps twice a year, taking turns of sleeping over after I retired. She was older than myself and was also my manager in a previous occupation. She eventually retired asking me about who I had seen and what they had been up to because she knew that I have a habit of keeping in touch with people I have worked with in previous lives (occupations). The last time she had cancer it was a death sentence. She would call me and wanted to know about what I was doing in my social life. She wanted to know about anything except sickness and sadness. She would find such joy at my silliness. She needed to listen to some normality and I am glad that I could have provided her with that. This person had such a joy of living, though she had suffered greatly when her husband died. She had fought so bravely til the end in the hope of beating cancer. Before concluding this workshop event. I want to add another case that Eugene talked about. It was about a firefighter dying from bone cancer. He loved the French River. His buddies brought him a picture of the French River. He was Roman Catholic but had distanced himself from the Church. Eugene suggested that the photo was his chapel. The firefighter re-united with his parents who he had been estranged from. We normally do therapy within our offices, however, Eugene had worked with an aboriginal woman who needed therapy by a tree. I have worked outside of my office in my backyard only once. It was because my client had something he believed to be contagious and insisted on seeing me. I had always been curious what that would be like. Though he preferred to continue therapy that way, I was concerned about confidentiality. I had asked one of my mentors about therapy in nature and he said it was too distracting. I would agree. I love nature and being in nature and in my work I must conduct active listening. It is important not to have distractions etc….However, what is best for the client? I am mandated by my college on ethical principals. I abide by them. However, I also have come to understand how change is a constant and what may not be ethical today, can change in the future. For now, I practice within my Office. The windows are closed while in session. Eugene has had permission to talk about the cases mentioned here. If you need to talk to someone please do so. Don’t wait. It was with last Friday’s lecture that I was reminded of how we live in such a rat race here in North America; that we don’t take the time for what we really need in therapy and in relationships. What do you think?

THIRD REFLECTION Seminar Case 1 - Silva Redigonda - hypothetical case (RC)

People are faced with ethical decisions at some point of their lives. It is at times like that when they reach out to someone who is significant in their lives. It is also a time when they reach out to God. The person, who is reached out to, must respond wisely and respectfully after contemplation and prayer. As lay people who help those in need there is a responsibility not only for the person seeking help, there is a responsibility to God. The protagonist in this case is asking for help. How can he avoid slipping back in his battle with alcoholism? How does he deal with his issues of a vengeful God? How can he deal with his mother and siblings who seem to want to drag him back to his previous lifestyle? How does he deal with his mother who slanders his wife and is his wife a good choice? FACTS A 20 year old man wants to discuss what is bothering him to someone who is a simple but forceful, presentation in his life, present and past. He is being faced with some disturbances in his life concerning God, his mother and his own family. Protagonist is an alcoholic who has changed his life. He has tried to build a life of prayer. He has a career in the field of law and is advancing in the field. He is happily married but has an awareness that it may not have been a positive choice since his wife who he met from the “programme” is herself only recently sober. He and his wife now have a beautiful daughter who means the world to them both. He goes out of his way to be with and to demonstrate affection to his daughter and wife, the latter which he and his sisters were deprived from his parents. His father who recently died from the effects of alcohol was “occasionally” abusive. His father and mother also an alcoholic never admitted to any problem. His mother has “gotten religion” (15 years) and speaks of the wonders that God has done. Since becoming religious, his mother emphasizes questions of sexual guilt, notably in her children. His relationship with his mother and five sisters has gone from bad to worse, severed by his sobriety. His brothers and sisters do not like the way he challenges his mother. His mother claims his marriage is invalid since his wife is a drunk. He is gripped by fear of sin each time he receives communion. God as a vengeful God plaques him. He feels the need to go to mass more often and wonders if this is an older pattern of appeasing God. How should he pray? Should he go to confession more often? Sexual issues plague him. He loves his wife and is faithful. They have a loving relationship. Ethical Issues The protagonist is dealing with several serious concerns. These concerns involve denial of the seriousness of abuse he received from his father when he was alive, his struggles with his morals, his authoritative view of God and he is torn between his love for his own family and the struggles he is facing with his siblings and mother. Alcohol continues to be a burden he struggles within himself. His mother is constantly putting his wife down and any defense he partakes with his mother is challenged by his siblings. The protagonist has a loving family consisting of his wife and child. He has also managed to establish himself successfully with a career. Yet, he doubts that the marriage was a positive choice. Since he has been sober for much of eight years which indicates he was sober when he met his wife, one must question how much of him feels this on his own and how much is the influence of his mother who clearly dislikes his wife? Why does his mother dislike his wife? Is it because she has managed to become sober while his mother is still in denial? The mother is projecting much of herself on her son and his wife. She is probably the one struggling with sexual guilt. What sexual guilt is the protagonist facing? Does he feel guilt because he enjoys sex with his wife? Are there sexual problems? What are the “rocky” times he has had with his wife? When his mother refers to her son’s wife as a drunk is she is projecting herself? The protagonist may have to make a choice between his mother and siblings and his wife and child if the problems cannot be resolved. Though it is claimed that his mother has “gotten religion” for fifteen years, it does not appear to be a healthy relationship with God. Is this due to religion or her interpretation of religion which she seems to be transferring to her son? Is God a vengeful God? How can the protagonist heal his relationship with God? What is “occasionally” abusive in regards to the protagonist’s deceased father? Was this physical as well as the continual emotional abuse? The parents never admitted to a problem. What else went on in that home while the protagonist was growing up? How has the abuse effected his siblings? Is there anyone who is not an alcoholic among his siblings? PASTORAL RESPONSE The morality theology here is how do I deal with my mom and siblings while being true to my wife, child and myself? How do I trust God to love me? How should I deal with what is facing me without losing myself in the process? Finally and most important, “What is God enabling and requiring me to do in the present moment?” First I want to commend you on how hard you have worked to get to where you are. I realize that your journey is constant and difficult. Alcoholism is a disease and one that remains for life. Your steps taken to get to where you are and your determination to get help whenever you feel the need is inspiring. You have a child you and your wife love very much. You have found intimacy and affection with your small family. You saw something in your wife that drew you to her and you are happy with her. Your mother may not recognize the marriage and that is unfortunate because it is not your mother who has the authority. Mark 9: 7-9, states …A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. Since your mother has “gotten religion” you can suggest a meeting with the minister of her church. Your marriage is valid under the eyes of God and though you have both been through a difficult time, your love has prevailed. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word…He who loves his wife, loves himself…”(Ephesians 5:25). I would recommend that you and your spouse continue with A.A. meetings. You seem to think of God as a punishing God and thus you are feeling guilty about sexuality and receiving communion while believing without merit that you are unworthy. Many see God as they see their parents. It is not unusual for you to think of God in the way that you do because you experience God as you do your parents. Spiritual Direction will help you understand that God is a loving God and not a punishing and authoritative God. It is important that you talk with your wife and determine how she feels when she is with your family. Do they mistreat her? Are they verbally abusive? Do they demean her? How is this affecting her? Perhaps you may both go for family counseling if this is affecting you both. Indicating that your father was abusive on occasion is revealing. Abuse is abuse. I would recommend pastoral counseling or psychotherapy to help you deal with your past and present abuse from your parents/siblings. Continue to pray. Prayer is powerful. Take time each day to pray. Record your feelings daily. Note when you are sad and why. You have changed your life so much. What steps did you take to your journey of recovery and independence from your parents and siblings. Can you continue with things as they are with your mother and siblings? Since your mother has “gotten religion” consider a family intervention with the minister. She may or may not accept the invitation and she may not agree with the minister. Be prepared. Several years ago I went to a church near my parent’s home and heard a sermon that remained with me. The priest said the following in his sermon. I shall try to repeat it, as I heard it. The priest remarked how many people come to him because of their sufferings. He told this story. There was a mother who had a rope and she threw herself over a bridge landing softly on the ground at the bottom where she became stranded. She pulled the rope down and as a result she could not climb back up. Her daughter happened to walk along the bridge. The mother called out to her daughter, imploring her to help her back up. The daughter found a rope and with great difficulty managed to pull her mother up. The mother again used her own rope to fall to the ground and pulled the rope down so that she could not climb back up. Again she called out to her daughter to help her back up onto the bridge. The daughter threw her rope again so that she could pull her mother up. This was very difficult and she begged her mother not to do that again because she did not think that she had the strength to pull her up. Her mother once again went over the bridge, pulling the rope back down. This time when she called out to her daughter, her daughter said she just couldn’t do it anymore. As painful as this was for the daughter, she knew she had no more strength in her to lift her mother. The priest concluded his sermon by indicating that we do have a sense of responsibilities to our families but when that relationship becomes destructive so that it darkens our soul, then we must remember that God does not want our soul to darken because our soul belongs to God. CONCLUSION Alcoholism is a disease which lasts a life time. Sometimes one has to separate himself from anything that will drag him back down in that abyss. Children of alcoholics have the burden of having to endure the associated abuse of alcohol. Anon is an organization which can help families in and from these homes. When all fails and the parents fails to acknowledge their own disease then they themselves become the abuser and not necessarily through their own fault. At times one must take a stand and claim God and his immediate family as the priority. If that means distance, from further abuse after all else fails, then that is all that can be done.

Promoting Compassionate Psychosocial Spiritual Care and Counselling During COVID 19 Crises Demands - Challenges - Responses (Continues) notes 3

Eugene recommended Dr Wolfalt’s book The Rites of the grieving person . Eugene contemplates who really had an affect on him. He goes near water - recommends taking 1/2 a day off during the week, a month he will go away for a day; a year he goes away for a week. How does this pertain to myself? Well since I have been told I am lucky because I work for myself. There is a lot of truth in that. I need to be the best I can be for myself in my care of others. I normally take time for myself each day. I am acutely aware on what really affects me. I feel I have been trained to monitor the different emotions I may go through during a day and at times suggest that clients become aware of the emotions they feel when either speaking to a person or experiencing any kind of event. Try it. You may be surprised how often you will be experiencing different emotions. It will also provide you with an understanding of yourself. What upsets you, challenges you, excites you etc…. Taking a day off a week is the minimum for myself. I normally take off a lot more. Ideally I would like to take a week off a month, but I have found that is not possible, so when this pandemic is over, I will be looking forward to visiting a place of interest in my beautiful city as if I am discovering it for the first time. After more than a year hiatus, that will be quite exciting. I still cannot leave Toronto for more than a few days because of commitments. However I have quite a few trips to look forward to. There are many people out there who work at jobs they detest because they have to put food on the table and I understand that. However, I would recommend wondering what it is you would like to do and train for that somehow. If you have a dream, explore it. Do you work to live or do you live to work? How can you get to where you would like to be? What support networks do you have? What do you think. Next week as we continue this topic we will talk about children again.