Sexual Abuse

I mentioned I wanted to share what I read in an article from Psychology Today Aug 20. It reveals that one in nine girls under the age of 18 experience sexual abuse at the hands of an adult. 18% of boys are sexually abused by a trusted adult. Almost all of the survivors feel shame (p 29). Shame is something I often hear . We are sexual beings and when a predator sexually abuses he often will have the child think that it is wanted. Since in cases, pleasure is felt than the child feels the shame. Shifting the shame away from the client and onto the predator is what I do. They are children and not responsible. Others also threaten the lives of their parents if they tell. If you are reading this blog and have been sexually abused do feel free to tell. Many do not report it and many more never share this until it comes out in therapy. This is just a fraction of what happens. Pg 29 continues that that there is an assumption that men aren’t or shouldn’t be victims. This often leads boys and men to minimize or conceal what happened. Their sense of masculinity, failing to prevent the assault can undermines their self esteem. U.S. Psychiatrists recognized that early sexual abuse left lasting scars mirroring those of veteran patients. I now often ask my clients if they have been sexually abused depending who the client is. I sometimes wait for the right time to ask or patiently wait for the client to inform me when she or he is ready. The article continues that most who have been abused later have problems with intimacy, trust and sexual relationships. I concur. What the writer of the article states is that he began a group of 8 men who had been traumatized as children where they would share experiences and learn about its adult consequences. At the first meeting there was a rule of no sarcasm. He explained that sarcasm is often utilized to shut down uncomfortable conversation. Learning to live with the discomfort was one of the primary reasons they were meeting. That was in 1994. In 2020 the group of men still meet every 2nd Monday evening, except for two. One of the two moved but still tries to attend by internet. This article was written by Dr Bert Pepper, M.D. a clinical psychiatrist. If there are any errors, I claim it as mine. There are therapists who will not work with those who have abused. I am going to ask that when you read this you don’t make negative comments against the abuser. Many have been abused themselves. The first time I met a child molester I was prepared for the hostility I would feel, but as the person trembled before me (not when I was a therapist) I actually felt sorry for him. I wrote a paper which I posted on my blog “pedophile priest”. It was a research proposal as part of my studies. It is not meant to bash priests but it does provide information regarding the pedophile and how common sexual abuse is. Not everyone was pleased that I chose the topic for a proposal and I was dealt with some blocks when researching. When I shared this with my Jesuit friend, he said “of course.” As you know I have been told I am risque at times. However, we need to make changes in this world and silence does not make change. If you have been abused and are reading this article and have remained silent, remember that you don’t have to be. You can report this. If you have reported this and the adult ignored it, go to a therapist or the Police and report it. You don’t need to be silent. It is your choice. Remember that this was not your fault. I attended a three day sexual assault course in Sudbury years ago in a previous career. The first speaker informed us of how as a child she was raped by her father and brothers. When she reported it to the police when she was older, her mother called her a liar and told her she had brought shame to the family. She was told they wanted nothing more to do with her. She was introduced as the first speaker to prepare us for what we were going to hear. We were provided with the tools to co-ordinate a three day seminar ourselves. This was organized by an OPP female Officer. Wonderful course. On a lighter note: I have been attending many series, meeting etc….which I may be sharing with you before going back to my notes. Much has to do with the Corona Virus. I may as well share all this before it becomes redundant. I haven’t had much time to write for fun but am now focusing on becoming more updated on how to sell my books. Right now I am on www.silvaredigonda.com but will be adding more sites. I write for fun only. With the pandemic my work has increased so I must be mindful of how much I do. Days pass quickly. I will probably sooner, rather than later place a calendar for new clients only at my site, www.redigondapsychotherapy.com However that will be very limited. So thank you for reading my blogs. Keep healthy. Maintain distances and please take this pandemic seriously. Listen to what the Doctors who are specialists in the field before listening to the politicians because not all of them are listening to the experts. Take some quiet time for yourself and think of what is positive in your life. What do you think?

A Grateful Day with Brother David Steindl-Rast - Gratefulness.org

Climate Change for Clinicians, Family Therapy Magazine May/Jun 20 pgs 43 -44 by Gioia Jacobson, MA, LMFT - (Spend time in nature from me)

I wanted to share with you a bit of what I read as per the caption. Jacobson states that today about 55% of our population live in urban (city) areas. Anxiety and disorders and depression are positively correlated with living in the city. Contact with nature and green spaces is linked with improved mental and physical health…..Climate solutions are available now, and support psychological health, such as increasing adoption of active commuting, green spaces and clean energy. Positive mental health effects can be viewing nature, sitting in nature and conservation - based activities. Exposure to nature is correlated to reduced psychological and physiological stress. Thank you Ms Jacobson. Now for my input…….One of the things I always or nearly always recommend for my clients is to spend time in nature. Being a city person myself, spending time in nature is paramount and has been since I was a teen. Growing up my parents incorporated it into our lives and I learned that my love of animals domesticated or not was part of that love for nature. Give me a cabin by the water and I would be a queen. However, being a city person I would need it to have everything like electricity, wifi and a great toilet/bath/shower. Why not have a combination of both? I normally suggest as part of self care, walking and better still walking in nature. Some find peace in walking in cemeteries and that is ok. In some cases where people are confined and there is no possibility of park land, I suggest getting a plant or two and taking care of them while enjoying its beauty. My priority at my home is the outside. If I am confined, I can enjoy the trees and flowers and greenery around me. This article stood out to me because I take too much for granted when it comes to knowledge. Somethings which may be obvious to me isn’t to everyone. So, why not spend sometime in nature today? Close your eyes in nature? Name three things you hear. Name three things you actually feel. Now pretend you are opening your eyes and what do you see? When you are ready open your eyes and savour your senses. What do you think? Next week I want to include some of what I read in Psychology today regarding treatment for sexual abuse, for men. After that I will like to return to my notes of social studies. I believe we are still working on, and alternate weeks regarding theology. Have a good week and keep safe. Maintain social distancing, wash your hands frequently, wear a mask to protect others and live life.

911 - A reflection each year and thoughts to all the Families

911 attacked all of us. It was also a reminder that we should never get too complacent. During this time period I have the History Channel and so I was fortunate to get some up to date documentaries regarding that terrible day. I watched a bit each evening. The one I focused on first is the plane that went down which had been trying to get to Washington. Those brave souls sacrificed their own lives and ensured that if the plane went down, it would be in a rural area, minimizing risk to those below. Then I watched the documentary about the Pentagon being hit. That was enough. I have many more I have taped and will watch in segments because it is too sad to watch all at once. To all the survivors, you not only have Americans who are grateful. We were all attacked. I am most grateful too. To all the survivors and families who have to still deal with this tragedy, God speed.

Local Farmers Market - Weston Village (Hey Yorkdale Mall - want to take this on? Great for community service!!!! )

Once I discovered the Farmers market at Weston and Lawrence, I was hooked. I used to see a sign advertising it but never did find it until I was driving North on Weston and behold there they were, at a Go Station (I believe it is). After going for several years, this year I couldn’t find it. It was gone and then after asking a policeman and Go police I believe he was at the site, and neither knowing, I believed my favourite market was gone. But I had read it was there in a community paper. Why was it hidden? Then alas, I asked a woman walking along Weston and she knew where it had been moved to. It was moved to John Street. Now, take note it is not John Street where the Mirvish theatre is and my GPS always tries to take me to. It is one block North of Lawrence, on the East side of Weston. On my first day I found parking in the smallest parking lot ever. I paid my $2.00 city parking knowing I wouldn’t need more time. My first day wasn’t the best. The sanitizer squirted onto my clothing and the workers were laughing at me as I tried to clean myself off which of course I complained to someone who was not really helpful. I had asked for a manager and she said she was. I did not think she was. She then said she was a volunteer and no one else was available. I saw the same workers again and they are much more respectful and polite in general. All is forgiven. Parking became a problem and I wondered if I should return? Due to the pandemic I have reduced all of my shopping except on line. However with groceries I go about every two weeks and that includes the Farmers Market. I buy more and go less. Saturday I was pleased to get the only parking space left. I noticed that the market was not the busy place it used to be and it was evident to me that the location is the pits. I bought something at most of the stalls. As always I saw the most beautiful vegetables and fruits. I was in love. I used to be the person who ate vegetables because it is good for me. However, everything tastes so much better from the market. It is fresh and I mean fresh which seems to be more difficult to get these days. I asked a farmer how long they would be there. I noticed the disappointment in his face. He began that he didn’t know. Another more senior farmer came and we talked for quite a bit. He comes from a Farm still considered part of the Greater Toronto Area. I learned that they do not like the location either. They don’t get answers to their questions by the business committee, I suppose they are but don’t quote me. They have gone through three managers already this summer. Of course I suggested going to the politicians. If I have a problem I cannot resolve, that a politician can, that is my go to. Their success depends on my voting for them in the next election. Hey every vote should count. Of course if you are outside Toronto, their vote does not count. He told me that the politicians didn’t care. I then suggested the news. “Go to the news.” He told me how old he was. I don’t think of age as a factor, but I did understand. He is considering retirement sooner than later. Why does he want to open up a can of worms for what seems to be an ungrateful community (My words; not his.) But is this community not grateful or is it just bad planning and disorganization? Everyone depends on volunteers these days. Volunteer for this and volunteer for that. I try to avoid that. As you know I am a one person operation and though I have offered my services at times, I have only volunteered when I felt guilty or when my old supervisor asked me to. I can’t say no to him; he knows it and so there you go. If he asks I do it because he has always supported me so much and educated me well in providing therapy. So, who are the volunteers? I would presume if someone is working with the farming community that they will do their best to keep them happy. Farmers coming into Toronto to provide us with fresh food is amazing. It is also part of their livelihood. I make sure it is the actual farmer I am going to. That is something to look out for. I have a lot of time and respect for people who feed me. Why are we not keeping them happy at Weston? Perhaps it is time for a change from their neighbourhood to mine or closer to it. We can surely keep them coming and keep them happy. I noticed a few years back which I may have written about, I was on a day trip and stopped at a farmers market in Hamilton (or Burlington. They are adjacent to each other) in a mall’s parking lot. I found wonderful homemade cheese made from an elder Italian man and there were many other goodies. Of course I also stopped at their mall and found it to be quite nice. Perhaps these farmers can find something like that here. Hey Yorkdale Mall, right at Dufferin Street and the 401, would be an excellent location. They have a massive parking lot, they don’t sell fruit and vegetables because they don’t have a grocery store anymore and it would motivate more patrons. Heck, I would probably venture into the mall more (haven’t been since COVID). Yorkdale is my favourite mall. I let the farmer know that there are many people in Toronto who appreciate them and support them. So, lets support these wonderful people by giving them a new location and see them smile again as they make me smile each time I take a bite of their precious fruit and vegetables. Thank you. (Oh by the way, when leaving, a woman had parked her car blocking me from getting out. It was an inconvenience for her that I asked her to move the car. So, please let’s find a new spot for these precious people and if Weston Village can’t keep them happy, perhaps other communities in Toronto can. What do you think? Yorkdale, are you listening?

Suicide - Canada

With this new blog system it is more difficult to share without providing a new password for my other media which I will not do. Hopefully this will change. It is unfortunate. So, what I already posted else, I will share with you today. This info is from CAMFT (Canadian Association of Familty Therapy) and CAMH. 4000 Canadians die from suicide each year. Men die four times greater even though women attempt suicide three or four times more often. More than half of suicides involve those aged 45 years or older. From my own studies I will add to this. More elderly men commit suicide than any other. It was discussed in my undergrad that men choose suicide that is more violent such as hanging or shooting one self while women choose less violence such as overdose of pills. This may be a reason that men are more likely to be successful in attempting suicide. Also, I learned that with people who were unsuccessful, many were grateful that they were not successful. As a therapist I was trained to have a contract with those who spoke of suicide, however, it took one client to tell me how absurd that was, that if he really wanted to kill himself, a contract was useless. It is important to distingush when one is serious about suicide and when one is just frustrated. Careers can be ended. There are people who for years have suicide thoughts which haunts them, yet they don't know why and have no intention to do so. If you see yourself here find a qualified therapist and share those feelings. Start opening up to your parents or partner etc.....I am always amazed of how many people keep so much within themselves. Start a journal, start a conversation, find time in nature. Look for your interests and if you are feeling too depressed please wait no longer. What do you think?

Job posting

Dear Silva Redigonda, We want you to know of our latest fundraising effort - a job career posting site - we hope will help generate funds to support the Royal Canadian Air Cadets. Proceeds raised from the posting of resumés and from the posting of jobs by aerospace (or other) industries on our job career site will be used to fund the RCAF Association Continuation Flying Training Program of bursaries and scholarships. Since 1994, the RCAF Association has donated to a special account which presently sits at $284,000. Interest generated from the account each year helps fund up to three $2,500 scholarships to eligible worthy air cadets enrolled in applicable post-secondary education and training programs or continuation flying training that is of benefit to air cadet squadrons across the country. We realize not all of our members are still in the employment market, but each of us has an opportunity to recruit others who may be looking for work, especially in our national aerospace industry. Thank you for exploring our new job career posting site, and please do pass the word along. Let's raise more funds for our hard-working Air Cadets today! @jobs.rcafassociation.ca

#Black Lives Matter

When the demonstrations of Black Lives Matter started in the States, I was concerned of all the violence and yelling and anger. I was also concerned for the safety of the police officers. A professor of my post grad days who is now my friend asked me what I thought. I surprised myself as I ranted about not everyone being in the same boat etc…….I then paused after my vent and I became aware that he is not white. After a long pause his response, “I agree.” I breathed easily. I did not want to say anything that would hurt this amazing man. Shortly after I was sitting on the front steps of my home and watched people walk by. I became deliberately aware of the colour of skin and race of each person walking by when normally I do not. I received and returned the smiles of people from different cultures. I became more aware then ever of the power of the media to skew news. Since I tape everything and watch it later, I would fast forward demonstrations and hate towards the police, labeling them all in one package. Once I fast forwarded 45 minutes of news. I wondered why we don’t have more stations that are more balanced. Last week it hit close to home when seven police officers were injured making an arrest. One police officer I believe is a woman was punched in the face. It brought me back to the Sinai desert when one Fijian punched me in the head while on duty. I was trying to help him up after ordering a large group of Columbians to get off him. As I tried to help him up, he attacked me and my partner’s billy stick failed to have any effect. The Columbians once again jumped over him to restrain him. They saved my life. He received as punishment for attacking me hard labour in the desert. After three days he passed out from exhaustion and the heat. I was asked if I thought the punishment was appropriate from the other Fijians and I replied that I thought it was too severe. To this day my left wrist bothers me at times from trying to block him. I also got bit by a white male in Europe. Those are the two attacks I remember best. I as a Canadian military police veteran have worked with different Military Police, Civilian Police and other people from a wide range of countries, cultures and religions. In Canada coming from Toronto I again worked with a range of people from different cultures, and religions. As a therapist I have probably worked with clients from every culture, religion and skin colour. Each person who has ever needed help in my work has received it. I have always been in the service of others since being a life guard which had its own challenges. I have been told by an aboriginal elder that if I went into certain communities my life would be in danger. I was told in Savanah that I could be in danger if I didn’t leave the neighbourhood I was in. Of course I went for a drive through the neighbourhood seeing well kept lawns and modest homes. I could comfortably live there though I knew I wasn’t welcomed, or at least by some. I have been told to get out of a restaurant in my own old neighbourhood because I was white. I would not be served in a Kenya restaurant because I was white. I have had students who were dark skinned tell me that they were worried to go to live in the States because they were concerned about the hatred against them. I have had another tell me he only feels comfortable when he comes back to Canada because of the colour of his skin. There are now people getting kicked out of boards because of comments they make that is construed as prejudice. There is no education for them. They are replaced. I wonder if this increases hatred with senseless damage to property and worse, harm to men and women. It is appropriate now to say black, white, brown etc…but not too long ago it was offensive. I had one man ask me to look at his skin, “does this look black to you?” I had another scoff at the idea of anyone actually being white. There is suddenly a concern of appropriate behaviour and I wonder if things will get worse, while hate continues to grow and fester under the guise of appropriateness. This morning breaking news was that six people were shot in a drive-by shooting at a bakery at Eglinton Avenue West near Oakwood Avenue. The same spot where the officers were injured in the arrest. Another man did die from another shooting in North York. I have had people come to me in previous years informing me that a black gang had raped a young woman and convinced her that she should not report it to the police because they are worse than them. This was in a previous career and I am worried that this may be continuing and encouraged by the anti-police movement that seems to be promoted. There are so many police persons doing so much for their communities which they do on their own. This too should be reported in the news. The days of needing to find extremes for news reporting needs to be revamped. There must be an ethical and balance reporting and personal biases be recognized and acknowledged. We have a legal system with juries and judge or judge alone where crime is dealt with. We cannot have large masses of people decide who is guilty or not. We need to move from the past. We can not judge on emotions. As a therapist there has been times when I thought that a person was being targeted because of the colour of his or her skin. This was dismissed by the offended party. However, I still provided the options of complaints and a pathway towards that. As a therapist, I am a one person operation and my office is open to everyone regardless of their sexual orientation, the colour of their skin, their faith or lack of. I am not in the business of judging. It is up to the person who comes to me to let me know what they want me to help them with. I wish my Professor in my undergrad who was an Anthropologist was still alive, but then if she was, I wouldn’t be a therapist I would be an Anthropologist. That is how much she impressed me with her brilliance and kindness. Prof Yawney was an expert in the courts regarding racism. I know that myself and our fellow white classmates did not think a list of racism comments she provided us actually were. She told us patiently, like you tell a child how racism cannot be against a white person, because white has the power. I have given Black lives matter a lot of serious thought. I suppose that the demonstrations when peaceful has worked its magic. I listen when a black person speaks of their repression because as a white person I do not always see it and definitely do not experience it. I am privileged and have come to realize that. It really bothered me that there was no follow-up with the police officers from 13 division. And then I watched a movie on TUBI named Badge of Faith, a 2015 movie which “…is dedicated to the men and women in blue who risk their lives daily so we can live ours peacefully. Badge of Faith is based on a true story of a Virginia police officer who was paralyzed while on duty and fought his way back through sheer faith.” The movie touched me because it became relevant to what I am feeling. Does it really matter what the colour of skin is? It is simply pigmentation. I dislike the demonstrations when I see destruction and people getting hurt or killed. I support the police after all I too am a veteran. However, I also support the person of darker skin than mine. I think that it is important to get our act together but through unity and not division. I never could understand why the KKK still exists or that white supremacy has not been dismantled once and for all. I have been blind at times and I must not forget at one of the last conferences where we could still be together, my being the only white person in a group of social workers and they patiently trying to explain to me that racism is very evident. What tugged at my heart was a young child going home and telling her parents that she wanted to be white after she had started school. We do have a lot of work to do but not only racism. Sexism is prevalent as well as hatred against religion. Just a few days ago an unidentified man (suspected) removed the head of the Virgin Mary in front of a Catholic Church. Oh by the way the movie I am recommending has a spiritual aspect to it and if you hate the idea of God, watch it anyway to practice being mindful of your own biases. Anyhow, I have spoken my peace. I have been wanting to talk about his for awhile, after all I am risque or so I have been told. We need to speak our minds contemplatively but not to do harm but unite as one people once and for all with love and validation. This is my city. This is where I grew up. This is where I went to school and have been offered so many opportunities which were mine for the taking if I chose. However, I am concerned about the escalating crime. Are there solutions? Yes, and it starts right at home. It also continues in the schools. When I went to grade school here, I studied “Black Like Me”, we viewed documentaries about the concentration camps and we had discussions about the atrocities. We need a zero tolerance of bullying at home and at school because all too often the two are interrelated. We need to validate our young people. One drug dealer told me how he wasn’t respected or noticed until his status became elevated by what he sold. We need to reach youth and offer them the limitless opportunities that can be theirs. We need to have the support system in our schools and for families. We need to have a social outlet for our youths with mentors. We need to have our youth find the worthiness in themselves. On the other hand we have wonderful young people who have so much heart from all kinds of backgrounds and cultures. They give so much of themselves when they are still tiny, much more than when I was young. There is hope for us. Canada is a country with open arms and we must continue on this path. This land belongs to all of us and we need to continue to work at unity and not division. What do you think? By the way, I had a great holiday.