Couple therapy

In my own practise I have found that people who are married the longest at thirty or forty years plus, normally are the most determined to make their marriage work. However, not in all cases. For those dating, I don’t see the same determination. Living in a multicultural, multi religious city, I have the benefit of seeing a wide range of people. I am always learning from my clients. A priest professor and friend of mine once asked me what I thought the biggest problem was with couples. I immediately responded without thinking, “communication.” He nodded and replied that he had found it to be the same. He has much more experience and is much wiser than I. I wanted to write today about relationships, specifically couples because it is a good topic to start the year, on this day of the Epiphany. Couples can become quite enraged during therapy and that is why I usually begin with “this is a medical building and I cannot have any screaming or loudness.” Yet during a session I will often have to remind the couples once they forget where they are and begin their fighting. Depending on the hurt, sadness, rage etc…., diffusing the emotions so that each person can actually hear the other can vary. It is a process as all therapy is. You cannot go in for one or two sessions and your problems are over. It usually takes a long time before a couple asks for help and it cannot be resolved in one session. People who have lived together for years and believed that knew each other are completely shocked by how the other really feels. Others have struggled for years with addictions of all sorts. When addiction comes into play it is more difficult because the addiction is more powerful than rationalization. I normally recommend rehab, though I do not turn anyone away who is an addict. Relationships are about balance of power. If one person thinks that he or she is in control because she makes more money or works harder etc….than problems will arise unless they both think the same. Often one partner is absolutely surprised at what he learns from his spouse. He is stunned and never believed that therapy was required. Some leave couple therapy before all issues are resolved and that is unfortunate because there is more work to do to not relapse to more comfortable known ways of fighting. I recommend not stopping therapy completely but decreasing sessions until both are managing to affectively hear each other and willing to compromise. It does not hurt if after six months of no therapy, to go back for a session to determine how things really are. I attended a seminar once where a popular speaker in the field from the United States was determined to have all couples stay together. I personally will do all that I can to help the couple to work out their differences, however the decision and judgement is not mine to make. Two people who are coming for therapy are the one’s to decide if they can compromise, or close the triangle in the relationship if one or the other will get help for his or her addiction, if one can stop abusing the other and if one or the other can stop having an affair. If there is an affair, whoever is having it must agree to stop or else I will not see him or her because than one has to ask, “How are you going to work on your marriage if you have another on the side?” Sometimes there is no openness to having an affair. Sometimes one is married and is going to therapy to appease his suspicious girlfriend. If there is any ulterior motive to see me for couple therapy aside from really trying to work on your relationship than please don’t. If you are in a relationship with someone who makes you sad, perhaps it is time to see a therapist about it, so you are able to step back and examine what is going on. It is difficult when there are a range of emotions within you to be able to critically see what is happening. Emotions are always important and I advise that you all become aware of how this can differ during the day. Are you feeling more sad in the morning? Are you enraged after your husband leaves the house? What is really going on inside you? What happens if you think you need couple therapy and your wife doesn’t? Then see someone yourself. Couple therapy does work with one person, though I personally like working with the couple. That is a preference not a requirement. As one changes their behavior, it will effect the other person and change theirs. What are you waiting for? If you are not happy in your relationship why not take a step today to make it less painful? What do you think? (I have barely touched the topic)