York author pens dating advice book for men

York author pens dating advice book for men

Homosexuality/suicide and Therapists

I was at a conference and a therapist who was a speaker told us that in 1987 she was disturbed that a youth had committed suicide because he was homosexual. She felt so bad about someone killing themselves over sexual identity that she decided to do something about it. 10,000 flyers went out to therapists but only 21 people came. The low turn out was because they didn’t want people to think that they were homosexual. I had actually thrown out this information after reading it because I didn’t have the speakers name and I couldn’t remember exactly which conference this had been because it was a leaf that had fallen from my other notes but I do believe it was at an OAMFT conference. I do however remember the speaker well, because I thought she looked rather youthful after being a therapist for so long. I had actually torn the notes into the waste basket and after a bit, decided to take it out, place the notes together, because this is too important even though I didn’t have as much info as I wanted. Her speech had been brief and I do wish that there are handouts at these seminars. People are always trying to save paper. I never did get the notes that were promised by the ethicist regarding “Physician Assisted Dying.” I realize that everyone is busy but if you can’t put out, then don’t say you will. He told me he would send the slides to the co-ordinator and she told us that she would send them out. Never happened. But now back to this. I placed the puzzle back together again because when people kill themselves for any reason I think we are all responsible to pay attention. I make no qualms that I am there to help anyone who comes to me. What surprised me initially is that people who are prejudiced or biased have an expectation that I should be as well. I grew up in a very homophobic community and I just accepted that. However, after much and I mean much education and working with people who are gay, I slowly turned my own views around and realized that I was a bigot. This is how prejudice is learned. We are exposed to it from an early age, from our families and communities and we grow up thinking that this is the way it is, and everyone else is wrong who thinks differently. Not everyone has the benefit of my education and exposures. If I get a call from a parent who is upset that their child is a homosexual, I cannot do what they want which is to magically transform their child to be a heterosexual. What I can do is counsel them so that they can have a different perspective based on facts and not ignorance. I have heard so many heart breaking stories of how children were abandoned by parents who could not accept their orientation. I have also seen organizations however claim youths as their own when the youths are confused about their orientation. Instead of trying to change the child, one can just listen and try to understand the child and what the child is dealing with rather than ridiculing or abandoning him or her. I take a person’s right to their own identity for granted. I live in a city and I have the advantage of diversity surrounding me. I grow and foster. I do understand that in some communities that are close knit or in isolation there can be some time warp. But, if you are a teen or adult struggling in one of those communities, do not think you have to kill yourself because there is something wrong with you or because you feel that you do not belong. Find someone to talk to, who can help you. There is a change in the education system and I must admit that I am glad. As a society we need to educate and protect each other from any bias. One person killing himself for any reason, is one person too many. Parents, remember that your children are a gift. They are not your personal property. They have their own personalities and their own identities. What you can do is provide love to your child, stability for your child and have your children feel safe. Let them be children and try to teach them goodness rather that hostility. Love them. What do you think?

Home/Accueil

Home/Accueil

Home/Accueil

Home/Accueil

Should I go or should I stay? USA have a happy holiday!

Most depressing day of the year? Well, I am feeling pretty energetic and good. I had planned to go swimming this morning (hoping that the pool has re-opened). However, the snow is falling and there is a cold weather alert, advising the good citizens of Toronto to check in on elderly neighbours etc…After listening to the weather report, I decide that it is probably best to stay put and get my exercise by shovelling snow. I have to admit, I love snow. It always seems to lift my spirits, no matter how cold. As many people I know like to go South in the winter, I wonder at times if I should do that? Can I skype with my clients and go wherever I like? I can see something like that happening in the future, but I think that right now, face to face contact is my preference for psychotherapy. I haven’t gotten the green light yet to use skype and I want to ensure security measures for clients. Hey, I can even go across Canada in a trailer with my books so I can stop along the way wherever I am and visit a book club or book store and leave some of my books behind and be available for psychotherapy sessions. I am sure that will be great for people living in isolated areas and great for me to visit all the amazing towns we have in Canada and the USA. We do live in a beautiful country. But of course with the pets I have, I am restrained and with the rules and regulations I have, I am sort of restrained there too. I love life and I love my work. My liberty is a bit constrained but that too is my choice, because of my priorities. I have always enjoyed my freedom. I think that it is one of the most important things in my life. I am at a stage in life where I have many options. I am still debating going to live in Niagara Falls so I can take a daily walk along side the falls and stop for coffee enjoying the site. I can have a home office and swim in my own pool. Compared to Toronto, Niagara Falls is very cheap. What I also like is that I can cross over to the States if they do not build a wall, and check out the sites there. They have built up the area too and there is a spot there close to the falls where you can have lunch or drink coffee and enjoy the closeness of the falls. That is a great way to retire while maintaining a practice and writing. They have high tea at Niagara on the Lake, they have great musicians at the Casino and they have a theatre again at Niagara on the Lake. The problem I have so far is when I ask if a house has asbestos no one seems to be able to say no. My health is important to me. Another problem is my professional development. The best universities are here in Toronto. There is nothing really there for me and so I would probably have to return to Toronto for my continuing education. I would also have to come back to go to the annual exhibition. Do I have to stay in Niagara if I hate living there? No, I can come back. What I think is great is that I have no time restriction. I can do that now, or in five years (which seems to be the norm now - a five year plan) or I can do it whenever. Hospitals and Doctors - again we probably have the best right here. I think people should protest to expand the wealth. Why have all the best of everything only in big city? I say spread it around. The crime? Well it is probably less than in Toronto. I personally think we need more police everywhere with a big budget. The safest city for me in my own personal opinion is New York City. I remember getting there at 10pm and there was military in the station and police on every block. That made me feel very safe. Here I am hearing too much of how bad the police are and not enough about how bad the crowd is as I noticed at the summit when our city was out of control and the police were considered the bad guys. Of course my city is also very multicultural which I love and going to a place where it is too waspish would be extremely boring and restricting for me in no time. How do you make your decisions? Do you give yourself a time frame? Do you write it out on a divided page with the pros and cons as headings? Today is Martin Luther King day in the States and it is a holiday there. When I went for a tour of Washington, I saw where Martin Luther King stood and I was surprised by how invisible it looked. I understand that this has changed and there is more elaborate recognition. I want to return to Washington one day because it is a very impressive city with lots of free museums I still need to explore. Ideally I would want to stay at the closest hotel and explore away until I had seen it all. Now that my Canadian dollar is getting close to invisible, free museums are a nice option. However, my dear pets who are now laying on my bed, keep me grounded where they can see me just for fun. Have a Happy Holiday neighbours! Now, I have to install some hinges - wish me luck. Toooooo cold to shovel. Not that bad, that it needs it. Florida? Someday? What do you think? Hey, have you read my books yet? www.silvaredigonda.com You may ask me a question or tell me what you think of either of my books. Have a nice day.

Pastoral - Religion (book review - naught)

I was recently provided with a book named “Rediscover______________” written by an author I will keep nameless. When I read a book, I normally make a remark about it after providing you the name of the author and title of the book. I won’t this time because maybe it is good for some people. I also read the entire book when I make a comment, but this time, though I have read perhaps two chapters, I just have to say something. Maybe people are getting something positive from this book and maybe it is improving their faith. However, I would revise the title to “High on ____________” Or, living in a bubble for the author. It does not surprise me that there is no education credits anywhere for this author on my search of the web, because information listed in this book as fact, is not. There are so many inaccuracies that I won’t even list them. I will continue to read this book because I know it is being circulated at a cheap cost. However, I will discuss my annoyance further with the person who handed me this book. I am sure he did not read it himself. One of the things I have learned in my practice is to first read the book I recommend to someone else, in its entirety and second, to make sure that the entire book is applicable to the person. In any religion there are good people and perhaps not so good people. In any religion there are people within who suffer because of something within themselves or within their families etc…..In other words, regardless of religion there are people within the congregation or among the leadership who are not perfect. That is, because none of us are perfect. There are people out there who do horrendous things in the name of religion which has absolutely nothing to do with that religion. There are people out there who do horrible things to others and say it is what God wants. God has been thrown around as enforcement to the worse of crimes. What is more powerful to say? Everyone does that, everyone thinks that is ok, (which is not valid either and can be talked more about another time if there is interest) or to say God told me this. There are always studies and research if someone claims this so to just randomly say that will give ammunition, to those who blindly need to hear it. I have met the most wonderful Preachers etc, in various religions. Then I have also encountered the not so nice in different religions. Ideally I think there should be a Pastoral Counsellor available for every Church, synagogue etc…..because people have problems and sometimes it also has to do with making peace with their religion choice, rather than just escaping it, because problems suffered are within and need to be recognized and understood. Going to someone for advice when they are being beaten or abused at home in any matter and going to your preacher only to be told that God told her or him to stay in the marriage because that is what God wants or using God to direct another when that is not true I think is an abuse of power. It does not matter what religion a person has or even if a person does not believe in a God, that makes one better than the other. A person who cannot comprehend a God may be helping others and leading a good life and being the best that he or she can be. Another person who believes in God may be torturing others in the name of God. Who is living a better life? I do believe in God. Does that make me better than others? No. My suggestion for the day is if you do believe in God, then try to spend some time alone with God each day. Find that quiet time of reflection and prayer. Regardless of your religion or spirituality spend some time alone in reflection. If you do not believe in God, it does not matter, just give yourself some time to be alone and seek some peace for yourself. Try a breathing exercise if you do not believe in God. Breathe in and count one, two, three and exhale taking more time. Give yourself time to do this when you are feeling anxious. If you want to read something about your religion because you want to follow the religion itself, make sure it is accurate and endorsed, unless you just want to read it for yourself out of interest. What do you think?

Couple therapy

In my own practise I have found that people who are married the longest at thirty or forty years plus, normally are the most determined to make their marriage work. However, not in all cases. For those dating, I don’t see the same determination. Living in a multicultural, multi religious city, I have the benefit of seeing a wide range of people. I am always learning from my clients. A priest professor and friend of mine once asked me what I thought the biggest problem was with couples. I immediately responded without thinking, “communication.” He nodded and replied that he had found it to be the same. He has much more experience and is much wiser than I. I wanted to write today about relationships, specifically couples because it is a good topic to start the year, on this day of the Epiphany. Couples can become quite enraged during therapy and that is why I usually begin with “this is a medical building and I cannot have any screaming or loudness.” Yet during a session I will often have to remind the couples once they forget where they are and begin their fighting. Depending on the hurt, sadness, rage etc…., diffusing the emotions so that each person can actually hear the other can vary. It is a process as all therapy is. You cannot go in for one or two sessions and your problems are over. It usually takes a long time before a couple asks for help and it cannot be resolved in one session. People who have lived together for years and believed that knew each other are completely shocked by how the other really feels. Others have struggled for years with addictions of all sorts. When addiction comes into play it is more difficult because the addiction is more powerful than rationalization. I normally recommend rehab, though I do not turn anyone away who is an addict. Relationships are about balance of power. If one person thinks that he or she is in control because she makes more money or works harder etc….than problems will arise unless they both think the same. Often one partner is absolutely surprised at what he learns from his spouse. He is stunned and never believed that therapy was required. Some leave couple therapy before all issues are resolved and that is unfortunate because there is more work to do to not relapse to more comfortable known ways of fighting. I recommend not stopping therapy completely but decreasing sessions until both are managing to affectively hear each other and willing to compromise. It does not hurt if after six months of no therapy, to go back for a session to determine how things really are. I attended a seminar once where a popular speaker in the field from the United States was determined to have all couples stay together. I personally will do all that I can to help the couple to work out their differences, however the decision and judgement is not mine to make. Two people who are coming for therapy are the one’s to decide if they can compromise, or close the triangle in the relationship if one or the other will get help for his or her addiction, if one can stop abusing the other and if one or the other can stop having an affair. If there is an affair, whoever is having it must agree to stop or else I will not see him or her because than one has to ask, “How are you going to work on your marriage if you have another on the side?” Sometimes there is no openness to having an affair. Sometimes one is married and is going to therapy to appease his suspicious girlfriend. If there is any ulterior motive to see me for couple therapy aside from really trying to work on your relationship than please don’t. If you are in a relationship with someone who makes you sad, perhaps it is time to see a therapist about it, so you are able to step back and examine what is going on. It is difficult when there are a range of emotions within you to be able to critically see what is happening. Emotions are always important and I advise that you all become aware of how this can differ during the day. Are you feeling more sad in the morning? Are you enraged after your husband leaves the house? What is really going on inside you? What happens if you think you need couple therapy and your wife doesn’t? Then see someone yourself. Couple therapy does work with one person, though I personally like working with the couple. That is a preference not a requirement. As one changes their behavior, it will effect the other person and change theirs. What are you waiting for? If you are not happy in your relationship why not take a step today to make it less painful? What do you think? (I have barely touched the topic)

Changes for the new year? How about this for a New Year Resolution? How can I make my world better? How can I make my life better? Not possible? Really?

During the last day of the year I was pondering about the conditions of our world at our own doing. I was thinking of how people behead each other in the Middle East. I was thinking how religion is used to enforce laws made by men for their own unholy whims. I was thinking about 20 wars at any given time in the world. I was thinking how women are still forced into behaving and dressing, like men want them to, to demonstrate their “modesty.” I was thinking of all the hungry children dying from starvation in a world full of abundance. On New Years day I was thinking how can we change all this. We can change all this by understanding that united we can all make differences in the lives of others - positive changes, however small. Recently a woman told me that change was not possible and for some reason that surprised me. “Of course we can make changes.” I replied. “No” was her solemn resigned response. If change was not possible slavery among blacks would still exist. If change was not possible the world would still be flat in our minds and we could probably fall off it if we wandered too far. If change was not possible, women would not be able to go to university in any part of the world and she would not be able to vote. If change was not possible we would all be under dictatorship rule……………Change is possible. In my morning ritual of prayer and discernment and contemplation, my mind went back to undergrad where during an English course, which I took for a break from psychology, we were reading a book a week, writing a paper about it and dissecting it and discussing it to death (my second book would be good for this, if there are any professors reading this and may be interested). In one book we read, it was about Utopia, perhaps that is even the title of the book. I thought it was wonderful to live in Utopia. However, my classmates all found that to live in such a place would be boring. I was surprised by this. I try to make my life my own Utopia. I surround myself with people who are happy and if not happy because of their own experiences, than kind/nice. As I grow older I am more selective than ever of my associates, not because I am a snob as I was told recently by a male who was annoying me and definitely not my type (he should read my first book), but because I like to maintain the peace I have within me. How are you feeling right now? Stop reading for a few minutes and just focus on what you feel within you? Is your stomach in knots? Are you feeling sad? Are you feeling sick? Anxious? What does that feel like? How would you like to feel? Calm? Relaxed? Content? How do you achieve that? Thinking back at the remarks my classmates made, I have to wonder how they would feel if they were not observers, at the pain of others. How would they feel if they lived in a country where they did not have the benefit of an education? What if they were silenced? What if their genitals were cut so they could never feel pleasure again? What if they were forced to wear garments to hide all of themselves except their eyes to see? What if they no longer had food to eat? What if they were forced to fight wars or flee from the violence and killings? What if they had to face horrors? What if they were the participants of what seemed to be what was interesting to them as observers? Change is possible - always. It is only our belief systems that hinders us or allows us to soar. There is no reason why anyone should have to starve in this day and age. There is no reason why anyone because of gender or religion or culture should try to dominate another. We can have a Utopia and we just have to believe it to take steps towards it. I happen to live in a country where I do get a lot of benefits. I have chosen occupations that have satisfied me and made me happy. I have a career now that makes me happy because in all of my careers, I have always helped people. What I have learned to do is not judge people for the lives that they live. I do not endorse cruelty but I do believe that change is possible. I would like to see a zero tolerance for any kind of cruelty. It can happen but we must be able to look beyond ourselves. We need to educate as a society because at home cruelty may exist. We need to let children know what kindness is. Children are not private property. They are precious to society and we need to ensure they are safe and not abused. As a therapist I am obligated to report abuse. However, people are aware of that so how much is not revealed? What is the difference between being a bad parent and being abusive? Last year casually during conversation a woman who had been an elementary teacher in the dark ages remarked how a child always sat in a ball at the back of her class. He would just roll up on his side and not participate. She did and said nothing. I felt my blood rise, thinking of this poor child with an incompetent for a teacher. We need to take a stand somehow when there is an injustice. A few days ago I was in a bakery shop with a friend of mind having lunch. A group of black men came in to sit at a long table near by. The men were polite and older with the experience of time. The waitress told them not to sit there because she had not cleaned the table. I know that if these men were white and dressed in suits she would have immediately accommodated them with respect because I have seen this. So, I spoke up and told the men to sit down at the table. They did. The waitress did not say anything. I spoke up. Now maybe, this waitress did want to clean the table first. But why would thy not be able to sit there afterwards. However, the table was void of any dishes. I normally would not notice this. I took notice because when I was in Florida, my companion and I were talking about prejudice. I told him that prejudice wasn’t as evident as it used to be. “Then why were we immediately allowed into this restaurant while they are still waiting?” he asked. I then turned around and noticed that only black Americans were waiting to be seated. Because of that incident I have become more aware of subtle displays of prejudice. So, next time you see something that is not quite right, why not make life more interesting by speaking up, keeping safety in mind of course. Toronto is changing contrary to what our politicians tell us. I know because I have seen my city change and I have lived here most of my life. I would certainly enjoy a more boring city where there is less shootings, knife attacks, gangs, killings etc……But we can make changes by recognizing the problems and having more empathy for others. It is that time of the year to also examine your own life and wonder what it is you would like to change. Why? Ask yourself why you continue to live a life that you may not be happy with? Do you settle? There is comfort in settling. There is comfort in just complaining about being a victim. Change is difficult. Change is the unknown. Change is frightening. What is keeping you from helping yourself? What do you think?