A woman is killed by her partner every six days in Canada

“A woman is killed every six days by her partner in Canada.” That is the statement that popped out and stuck with me, after watching the nightly news. They were speaking about the killings of the women students in the Engineering department in Montreal so many years ago. Have times changed? If one woman is being killed every sixth day, than maybe not. I wasn’t going to write about this. I was going to write about my fun day at Niagara Falls and complain of course about their tourist tax. However, the above mentioned statement would not leave my brain so I shall write about abuse instead. As many of you know, if you looked at my web site, I worked for one year as an intern, at a women’s counselling centre with women who had suffered physical, emotional, financial and sexual abuse. I have also dealt with abuse in my previous two careers. I have written about the “Honeymoon Effect” in a previous blog which explains how people who are in abusive relationships stay there. I myself in the past could not understand why women would stay in abusive relationships but the “Honeymoon Effect” explains that. It is not only the man who abuses the woman. Abuse is among gay couples. Women also abuse men. Sometimes one person thinks that he or she is the abuser and is surprised to discover that it is actually he or she who is the abuser. There are times that there is no confusion who the abuser is. There are times also in couple therapy that one who is the abuser is looking for ammunition so to speak for court. There is no real sincere effort on working on the relationship from the abuser’s angle. There is a pretence and narcissistic nature I usually see in the face of the abuser, who attempts to manipulate the therapist to take sides for court action usually looking for support to have custody of children. I would highly recommend not coming to see me if that is the objective. Abusers control, manipulate and try to isolate who they are abusing. I will be referring to the abuser as he and the victim/survivor as she for the purpose of simplicity in writing this. Simple is not what this topic is about and not all men are abusers. My interest has always been primarily in helping men, mainly because I have been very fortunate to have had great men in my life. I have a low tolerance or should I say 0 tolerance for any kind of abuse. It is not ok to physically hit anyone. It is not ok to try force sex or to try to convince someone to have sex. It is not ok to yell at someone or to impose your own views and ignore your partner’s. It is not ok to be abusive to your children or in their presence be abusive, because then the abuse is spreading to them. This requires to be reported to the authority. Because clients know there is a duty to report because we tell them, than perhaps abuse is not being reported. Then how do they get the help they need? Sometimes one reports that she is being abused when this is not the case. Sometimes a man is embarrassed that he is being abused by a woman and so he does not get the help he needs. Sometimes a woman is being abused and she does not know that she is being abused. Sometimes she has grown up in an abusive home with an abusive parent and she thinks that abuse is normal. Pay attention: It is not! Relationships need to be balanced. There are countries where in patriarchal societies, men are in control. They believe that because they have a penis, than they are the “man” who controls. Women raised with this domination believe that is life. They internalize the society’s norm. They teach their women that this is how a woman should be - subservient. When a woman objects than she is the one who is ostracized and punished. Now remove this woman from this exposure and she sees that there is another way to live. She can be free. How does she obtain freedom if she depends on her husband for finances? I am quite aware that people who come to Canada find ways of hiding their true financial worth and try to control their wives to obey by prohibiting them a means of supporting themselves. I am quite aware that this is happening every day with people born and raised and educated here. It is all about control but you have one advantage. You live in Canada and you have a choice. I attended a three day sexual assault conference for my previous career in Sudbury which was very enlightening. We learned how to co-ordinate a program to help people who had been abused to seek help. We learned how to have a program where we could provide information by inviting guest speakers etc……If you are ever interested in such a program or a one or two day seminar let me know. I would need 30 people to get this off the road but there would be a financial cost. What I learned from this course is how important the first speaker is and we definitely had an important speaker. This brave woman was sexually abused by her father and her brother from a young age. Her mother ignored it and did not believe her. When she went to the authorities and reported this she was disowned by her family. They tried to make it look as if she did something wrong. I am always amazed and in awe of people who demonstrate such courage. She made one comment that struck me and I would advise all people who work with women reporting abuse to take note. She said that why she felt so comfortable with the policewoman who took her report was that she not once looked at her watch. I did talk to the policewoman afterwards and asked her about this. It was not a conscience effort. So remember this because for this one survivor, this made all the difference in her reporting such agony of abuse. There is a misconception that abusers are easily visible, that you can look at them and know. The abuser can charm the pants off of you. The abuser can be beautiful to look at, educated, successful etc……..Look at who you think is the model family and there is an image of what? Simply put you do not know who people are really like unless you walk in their shoes. There are situations that are so bad, the abused person doesn’t know what to do. Sometimes they are afraid that the abuser will kill them. Abusers try to control, to intimidate and they do this by inducing fear. Often they will hurt, torture or kill the family pet. Please, if someone is yelling at you, telling you how horrible you are, if they are beating you etc…..because they tell you that, You are making them do this, it is not true. YOu may have been told that your are horrible, that you are going to be alone, that you are ugly and not worth …………….Don’t believe it. We are all born equal. We are all born fragile needing love security and protection. No one has the right to try to control you and certainly no one owns you. Children are not the property of their parents and need to be protected. If you are being abused, report it and leave. There are laws to protect you. Abuse escalates, violence escalates. Anyone can be abused so do not let that embarrass or shame you. Anyone can be an abuser, regardless of his station in life. Do not be afraid to report abuse to the police. Do not be afraid to leave your abusive partner. He does not really have power over you. You are your own person and remember you live in a country that takes this very seriously. Why not this Christmas take a step? Why not this Christmas enjoy a taste of freedom, a taste of goodness, a chance for a new beginning? What do you think? Men if you are confused about women and women do not find you attractive and you simply don’t know how to reach out to women, beware of men who are abusers and think they know how to to control woman and teach you how. If you really want to know about women and overcome your discomfort see someone who is a professional.