Effective Systemic Approaches to resolve high conflict co-parenting. Keys to success. Notes from AAMFT Conference

5% to 10% of divorces with children have conflict relationships. Contributing factors: high conflict; emotional reactivity; negative attributions; exaggeration of parental differences; excessive court filings and litigation. Common problems: Justifying actions, blaming etc… Help them in how they can be different for the children. Intervention Point: - pre separation - post separation/pre-divorce - post divorce. Children benefit from relationships with both parents. 2. Children benefit from parent cooperatively co-parenting.3. Divorce is stressful and painful for all. 4. Children have different needs during divorce than parents do. Children are resilient but we won’t know how resilient they will be for years to come. Not all children are resilient and parents need to know how they impact the other effects resiliency. First key to success: Strategery - in take process; in person meetings; phone sessions; video sessions; texts/emails; co - parenting apps. The speaker likes to do 2 hour sessions. The first is together usually. Meets with the estranged to re-establish. If received bad emails from partner: What was the intention of it? Both see themselves in the same way. Boundaries are important. Divorce is a shared responsibility. Best interest of the child. Study or have handy any custody agreements. Have a clear contract. What have they tried before, so don’t repeat. Clarify values, preferences, and choices: communication, problem pyramid all as a couple. Balloon ride/hockey team because hockey is of value to father (or either parent I am adding). If the other parent doesn’t value hockey missing a game at 11:00? Why will get out if misses a few games. What is common is bringing up the past; saying nasty things to each other. An example is he often shushes people and often interrupts. Who is responsible for the solution? Who brought up the issue? Who is upset about the problem? What exactly is the problem? It’s mom’s weekend and she can choose what she wants to do. The speaker at one time had to write up a script for them. Father would inform mom of events. Have five minutes to raise concerns. Speaker had to tell them who will take pictures, saying good-bye longer. It anything affects the child text therapist and reply. Taking concerns of the child first. Key 2. Change is constant- you have to adapt. 1. No one likes/wants to change. Our brain wants what we know. 2. People much prefer someone else to change. What can you do to do that? People won’t change unless they see the benefits of doing so. Stages of Change: conscious raising; dramatic relief; environmental re-evaluation; self and social liberation; stimulus control; counter conditioning and reinforcement management. Key 3. Balance is not difficult because it is not balanced. Women more active and involved in home life. Women are squeezed because they are expected to have a full time job and children. This patriarchal system is known. Loss and Gains: 50/50 split in custody - may feel like a loss to women because provided more with children and household. Women are doing more in the home and when men initiate the divorce it feels worse. Emotions and Grief: - loss of marital relationships; anger, hurt, resentment. - Justifying bad behaviours, fright, flight or freeze. The speaker states that it is harder for men to talk. I don’t necessarily see that in my practice. The speaker concludes for couples to share with their lawyers. I just want to add that roles may change in households and to keep that in mind. Sometimes unfinished business needs to be discussed and worked on so couples can move on from the other and work on what is best for the children. Sometimes individual therapy is required. At this moment I don’t readily have the name of the speaker but will add it in future when found. Sorry.