Body Shaming is not ok

Recently I was at a gathering where a woman told me that she was too busy to eat. I mentioned that she should make the time to eat. Another woman walking by, looked at the woman I was talking to and said she was fat and doesn’t need to eat. I have to admit I was stunned. I told the woman who made the remark, that it wasn’t nice and asked if she was perfect. I realized I had challenged her. She paused, said no and continued walking away. The woman whom the remark had been directed to asked what happened. I told her nothing had happened and that it had been taken care of. I don't know if she had heard the comment but if she did, she pretended not to. I realized I could have dealt with that more kindly. I say that because my tone was rude as well. This morning I pondered at what had occurred. I have a low tolerance for bullies. I don’t normally see this type of behaviour but I realize that for one too many abuse is suffered and tolerated by others who witness it. I have provided psychotherapy for people who suffer, and have suffered by body shaming. Others, feel poorly about their bodies when only they see every possible inkling of what can be wrong. Then there are those who like to chastise others because they think they know more of what is best for others which includes how they should look, what make-up to wear or not, what weight they should be, what clothes to wear etc……I normally encourage clients to be who they want to be, dress how they wish, and for those suffering body shaming both men and women, to be nude in front of a full mirror and tell themselves that they look beautiful. There are those who are so beautiful but who do not know it because they have been convinced otherwise. This can stem from their own parents who should be protecting them, loving them and making them feel safe, not shaming them. It comes from the bullies at school who taunt them to the point where they may commit suicide. It comes from a partner who demands their own idea of perfection, in a partner. This is all emotional abuse and from what I hear from clients who have suffered physical and emotional abuse, it is the emotional abuse which is the most painful. You don’t know the suffering of others which may be very concealed by the outward appearance and humour. I have people break down in tears because they do not know who they are because others have dictated to them all their lives. Sometimes, people don’t return because they are not ready to take a stand against their abusers. Sometimes their abusers stop them from getting help. However, ultimately it is up to those who suffer to make the decision if they will take that stand. We need to have the resources for people to get the help they need which starts in elementary school. Sometimes, I see with families that it is not the child but parents who need to make changes to deal with their own issues which is blamed on the defenceless child. I often have to ponder in families if parents are abusive or just poor parents. Again, anyone can have children without qualifications. Abuse can be stopped and abusers, abuse because they can. Some are quite gifted in being quite pleasant in hurting others, which is passive aggressive. When someone is loud and obnoxious, it is a no brainer. What happened when the woman walked by and called the lady fat and that she shouldn’t be eating reminded me of how much my mother used to protect children who were being bullied by other children. A group stuck one child in a garbage can and taunted the child. My mother removed the child from the can and struck the bully by shoving him away. I informed my mother after she told me what had happened, that if the police had been called, she could have been charged for assault. “But it isn’t right” she said. She was right. It wasn’t right and it isn’t right, but we must remember that there are laws in place as well. I know of a retired principal who started a safe place in her high school, where teens could congregate, and many who had felt that they were bullied for one reason or another, for being different, found that safe. I think all schools should have a safe place and bullies need to be educated to stop their behaviours. Their parents should be called in because there are times that there is where the bullies learn how to bully, hate, etc…. But what I also see is how children learn what is wrong even when their parents don’t. So, next time you see someone bully another, if it is safe to do so, make a comment that it is not ok. If it is not safe or you fear that you will be the next target for trying to help another, then report it to an organizer, teacher, employment resource etc….There is so much needless suffering going on. It is more powerful to be kind and reach out to someone. If you are one who body shames others remember that you do not know what is going on. It can be a body type, a physical problem which causes weight gain or loss, medication, and for some food is the only control they have in their lives when they feel they have none. Therapy can help and does. So, next time you see someone who does not meet your definition of your own projection of how a body should look like, take a look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself why you think it is ok to demean others. Think about what you say to your own children which can be demeaning. The City of Toronto helps with programs for guiding parents in rearing young children. What do you think?