The Black Family: Representation, Identity and Diversity

This morning I woke up very early, excited to start my day so I thought I would begin with letting you know about the lecture I attended yesterday with the American Association of Family Therapy. It was free and I received an education credit of one hour so how could I resist? As you know if you have been reading my blogs I have attended quite a few lectures about racism in the past year. I really enjoyed this one. The panel consisted of five black men and women, all family therapists, Camille Lafleur, Phd, Dr George James, Joslyn Armstrong Phd, and Dr Michael Lee Cook. It was respectful and in line with my own education. What did I learn? One of the panelists indicated that for the black community they can only trace their roots for about four generations. Of course. I have watched documentaries about this. Recently I just watched a movie about the heroic Harriet Tubman. What an amazing woman who gained so much freedom for slaves, a slave herself who through determination and love for freedom gained it for herself and many others. I think of the amazing woman whom I shall never forget who talked to me for a full day, she on her way to Savanah and me to Disney World via train. Her father was born a slave on a cotton plantation. My thoughts return to another experience while in Savanah myself driving around looking for a plantation which I never found and when I stopped and asked for directions, a man told me there had been no such thing. There were no plantations in the past that had slaves. I wondered if he was embarrassed or ignorant. My studies in my Masters program was very much understanding cultures and religion. It has served me well in my practice. Toronto is very multicultural. I will at times have clients reach out to me because I am Catholic or Italian descent or have a degree in Ministry and Spirituality or just because they like my picture. I grew up in Toronto where my name was very unusual. It was often of interest to my teachers and I would normally be asked what nationality I was. For a while I wasn’t sure. When I was a good girl I was from Switzerland and not such a good girl I would be Italian. Harmless fun, but I would say I was from Switzerland for a few years. I was fortunate that I could go home and be mentored. As a therapist now I see so much struggle in families and couples and within individuals. The panelists focused on the importance of the different cultures. If I have a client from Africa or a client from Jamaica or elsewhere, that is very much what defines the person. What the panelists stated was the importance of food and music. I love food. Even though I have never mastered cooking, I certainly love someone who can cook well. I was raised with that. My mom was an amazing cook. My father loved her food. My mother’s tip to me was to use butter. Butter is the trick. Last night I ordered from the Mandarin and wondered why my vegetables don’t taste as good. What am I doing wrong? What am I talking about? Food is important to me. Music? I like most music. My radio in my car doesn’t work anymore but when it did just before the pandemic, I had it loud and a young black youth, was staring at me, and began laughing his head off and gesturing in amusement. He couldn’t stop laughing which eventually annoyed me. However, it also dawned on me that the music I was listening to, in his mind was not music I should appreciate. He had perhaps labeled it, his music. That had happened to me years ago when driving a convertible (that car died too), a black man driving beside me asked if I really liked that music. I said yes and he shook his head in disbelief. While at Canada Day celebrations, a few brown skinned men sitting together remarked how surprise they were that white people appeared to be liking the music they enjoyed. I share this because it is all bias. There is an assumption from individuals because they are looking out at the world from their own lens. This is very much in line with presumptions about women and their roles and what defines a man. One question from the audience was, if it is ok for a white person to provide therapy to a black person and I was relieved to hear yes. Because, I know there are biases there as well. She said what a white therapist should be is authentic. That is important. I was going to give up AAMFT because it is expensive, especially paying in Canadian money and because I thought it was no longer relevant to me. But it is. Sometimes you need to pay for what you get. I know many cannot afford to remain with them anymore because of all the costs we incur here in Canada. I have been with AAMFT since I was a student in three programs. I was with them, doing my Masters and in the Toronto School of Theology with Pastoral Counselling. That certainly kept me busy. Recently here in one of the areas outside Toronto, what they call the GTA, a city council group I believe of some sort, got into the news because what they had posted trying to celebrate Black History month. Of course I always see the humour and could not help but chuckle as I heard what they were suggesting. The one that had me in hysterics was something like take a black person out to lunch and get to know the person. Really? They also suggesting eating a particular food etc… How condescending can that be? Well think about what I have just said. We each have our own lens. Can we speak for all? Their justification was that they had two people who were black in colour on their board. We need more education for those trying to educate. I need to keep my chuckles and laughter in check, however humour is very good for me and in my practice. One of the panelists remarked having two young children and her daughter has curly hair. She will gravitate towards a little girl who looks like her when choosing a book. This is important. I didn’t think it was a big deal when I was a teen that dolls were all white. I do now. White is not the end all. Educators need to get a wake up call and teach the different religions and experiences and politics world wide. We need to grow. We need to understand who we are as individuals, a reflection of all we have experienced. Recently I also watched the movie Concussion with Will Smith portraying Dr Bennet Omalu, who discovered during an autopsy that a football player had died because of the repeated trauma to his head. This man was/is brilliant, very educated and from Nigeria. He had to use his own money to research this. What did this movie demonstrate to me? Here is an intelligent man who was dismissed because he was a threat to football. People were dying and he took the interest and discovered why. He had to move. Yet, he prevailed and eventually gained the respect he should have received immediately. I am trying not to tell you to much because both movies are worthwhile watching. Why not show a movie a month in school about something similar and have a discussion. Have it be respectful and begin a zero tolerance for any kind of abuse. I remember myself as a child watching documentaries about the concentration in elementary and reading “Black like me.” Seven years later it was gone from the same school. Why? Anyhow, enough for now. Have a good weekend.

The Internet Murders..........continues https://www.silvaredigonda.ca

“What really pissed Paul off was that Robert was good at his job too. “Huh, sure, Friday. Meet you at Chads,” Robert replied casually. Chad was a local pub just off Jarvis, near the station. Many of the coppers went there after work along with some of the paramedics, firemen and one firewoman. She was too tough for some of the guys. The rest were mostly groupies who just wanted to go home with someone who could take care of them. But Paul struck out every time. They figured him for a bus driver more than a cop. *** Sandra was thinking loudly in her head. Friday night and business is slow. Whatever made me think I should get into my own business? Private investigator! All I get are frustrated women wanting to know who their husbands are screwing. The problem is, that’s where I make my money. Men are pigs and can’t say no. Get the right moment, the right time and that’s it. Unless, of course it happens to be fresh – and there’s always that one special guy. In those cases the women don’t come to me for help. Oh, well. I have enough to pay the rent for another month and savings for two more months. Sandra missed being a cop, but after two years on homicide, she had seen enough for a lifetime. Now, where was she? “I need a coffee,” she mumbled. She didn’t hear anything. She had barely managed to rise from her chair when she felt powerful arms

Excerpt From: Silva Redigonda. “The Internet Murders.” iBooks.

Busy, Busy, Busy - Saw two cardinals this morning.

I have a bit of time before working and listening to another lecture - again about racism. I was also invited to a webinar about COVID which I obviously have to keep up with but I was already booked with todays "The Black Family - Representation, Diversity and Identity." As I have mentioned before once I accept an invitation, I have to refuse others. I believe this gives me one education hour. Next week however, I recently accepted an invitation from York University regarding a panel to talk about COVID. Of course as always I shall share my info with you. There are so many hours in a day in which to do that. This morning while having my coffee I was looking out my back window and was happy to see a pair of Cardinals, a male and female. It brought me such joy. I love the snow but watching it melt promised spring. I cannot wait to be vacinated. We haven't had any news regarding therapists being able to get it, but that is ok. Many of us have boarded the web. Before the pandemic I wasn't keen about telephone, or video therapy, but that all changed with the pandemic. The pandemic has divided families but it has also united other families. What has it done to you? There have been deaths and you know I suffered the loss of a very close friend from it. I have also had a relative die from it. For myself, I love life and didn't think I could love or appreciate more, but I do. I am so looking forward to bringing out my chairs outside to sit in the sun. I want to slow down more from work and play more. I want to visit what my city has to offer, while contemplating if I am going to leave it sooner or later. Take a moment to think how COVID has effected your life. I haven't been able to write my book this week but I have about 70 pages so far. I belong to the Sisters of Crime an association of men and women who write books. I shall be attending a webinar from them soon. I am going to post some more of the Internet Murders for you after I finish up here. I have renewed my registration for the college and am now catching up recording my education hours from last year. I always have more than I need. Because of COVID I have been offered so much for free, but only accept what I consider legitimate. You know where that is because I always let you know where the info is coming from. Please keep safe. Feel free to ask a question if you wish. What do you think?

Social Science notes will not be continued from the booklet I provided you with

I was examining my notes and realized that the rest of my notes from this booklet is about culture and dance. I decided not to share it in case anyone found it offensive. Some books that we read were Cracking The Armour by Michael Kaufman. Another from Michael Kaufman was Beyond Patriarchy. Men At Work by Paul Kivel and Anatomy of Love by Helen Fisher. What we examined on this Men and Masculinity course was the origins and dimensions of male power; the social and psychological construction of masculinity; male sexuality and issues such as pornography; men's relationship with women, children and other men; men's involvement in sports, the military and violence; men as fathers, brothers and lovers; and the relationship of men to feminism. I did write a paper I saw the othe day regarding fathers who abuse their sons. It is probably outdated by now regarding the references I provided at that time. I really enjoyed this course by Wally Brant. I did get in trouble every once in awhile for laughing. I want to catch up providing you with notes from my conference. I also want to thank you for reading my blog. Americans are my number 1 readers and I thank you. My time is the States has always been fun. I cannot wait to take a mini holiday there when this COVID comes to pass. I still have obligations here which keeps me firmly on Canadian Ground and in Toronto. Til next week, keep safe.

Family Death - coping (additional notes)

Some time ago I provided notes regarding children and how they relate to death. It was from a seminar at Kane. The speaker was Andrea Warnich, a Registered Psychotherapist and nurse. I want to add some extra notes here that I may not have shared and think it is important. She stated that children try to protect parents when they are dying. It is hard to stop children from trying to protect their parents. If a parent dies, it is recommended to tell the child that dad died but he is still dad. Can ask the child if he is not talking about dad because it will make mom sad? Can tell the child that he is not making anyone more sad. He is helping when talking about it. Be honest with children. Death is not contagious. Children even at three age of age know the word “mystery”. Children balance joy and sorrow. There are grief bursts. Grief changes and returns with a child’s changing understanding. Children two or three of age will understand about death. Children living on farms really understand. Be honest and use simple language. Regarding teenagers - model healthy grief. Don’t preach it. Offer opportunities to connect with other teenagers in a similar situation. Be aware of the struggle for independence during a time of increased vulnerability. I would highly recommend attending a lecture from this speaker.

Pornography (notes from Texas Tech University)

I am back with notes from the AAMFT Conference. I chose to attend the lecture on pornography because I recognize it as a problem in my private practice. I do have slides, but since I did not ask permission to share the slides, I shall stick to my notes. The speakers were Travis Spencer LAMFT, Alex Theobald MMFT, and Ryan Seedall Phd. They indicated the following: Pornography is prevalent (I have raised this several times). There is little research on effective treatment. The positive is increasing sexual knowledge, a safe place to explore sexuality; entertainment only. The negative: diminished work productivity, loneliness and shame. There are health issues, low commitment, intimacy problems and weakened attachment bonds. Support systems is key in reducing shame, to support a friend. Speaker considers it maladaptive coping (I agree). Help to decrease stress. Foundation of support. Specialized or experienced in treating it made all the difference. Social support - group therapy, empathy from others, family and friends, religious leaders, honesty from partner - open communication. It is helpful when partner is supportive rather than shame. What works for some, will not work for others. Recovery language from addiction language. Clients stated healing comes from acceptance/surrender in process. Individual recovery before partner recovery - united in external problem. Maladaptive coping problem from real issues. Just doing therapy is not enough. Therapists need to find resources in the community. As systemic therapists find resources, accountability evolves to intimacy and to phrase it that way - it evolves to attachment - Bio, psycho, spiritual and social. There is Certified Addiction training for therapists. AASAT. Religiosity plays a big role. This study did not have a non religious study. God - critical for religious couples. www.cosa- recovery . org Sex Addicts Anonymous 1-800-477-8191. Sex compulsive Anonymous www.sca-recovery. org. www.sanon.org/sanon family. corner stone training.org

The Internet Murders - Updated website http://www.silvaredigonda.ca Teaser

Teaser Time: “Moving towards his Pontiac, as he fumbled with his keys, he slipped on a patch of oil on the rain-slicked sidewalk. He tried to catch his balance, but fell, hitting his head hard. He hadn’t seen the figure who had been watching him approach and begin to follow him. He didn’t feel his head being raised and smashed against the curb. George had never realized that he would die thinking about wine in his cellar and Sandra who would appreciate it.” Chapter 2 Robert was aware of his good looks. He didn’t have to flaunt it. He noticed the girls in the office trying to get his attention and because he kept it cool, they only wanted him more. “Hey Robert! Are we going clubbing Friday, after work?” called Paul. Paul knew that the only way women would pay attention to him would be if he was with Robert. His little paunch wouldn’t draw any women, but Robert’s muscular build did, and someone might notice him too. Not even a badge was helping Paul. He wondered why women couldn’t appreciate him. Paul knew that he really didn’t like Robert. Robert was too much of everything. He was too good-looking, had too good a body and worst of all, everything came easy to him. He didn’t even have to work, because he was wealthy. He had it all. What really pissed Paul off was that Robert was good at his job too.” Excerpt From: Silva Redigonda. “The Internet Murders.” iBooks. Just want to let you know that my website was designed for me. Yesterday I noticed that the payment was being directed to the person who set up my web. I have contacted shopify. Colpa mia. I had placed this website aside due to my worlk load. This is however a secure site. I chose Shopify, a Canadian Company because you can know what your shipping charges are as set by Canada Post. I did not have this opportunity with my last website which I will continue with as well until it expires. Subsequently, you may now order my books and ebooks from around the world. If you have any difficulties please notify me, but that should not happen. I love writing stories but sometimes I get busy with my practice. I sometimes ponder if I should just follow my passion of writing. However, I am not ready to do this at this moment. I enjoy working as well. Please do not hesitate to inform me of what you think of my books, especially if you are outside Canada. It is my passion. I have been complimented, scolded etc...in person. I take it all but must admit I prefer kindness. Until next week. Please keep safe during this pandemic. Please reach out to those who are alone. Love your family and pets and get the help you need if that is required. What do you think? http://silvaredigonda.ca

Men and Masculinity (Social Science notes) Abuse of women

Ok, Remember that Men and Masculinity course I mentioned taking in Undergrad? We had quite a few books to read which were all about men, thus the topic, and I have some loose leaf notes for you. Remember that the stats are a few years back but still relevant today. I worked as an intern for a year with women who had been abused and I actually stepped in when there was a discussion that a woman had to testify against her abuser. I corrected this misinformed person. It is important that people who work with the abused understand the law themselves in their support of the people they serve. How does male violence affect society? A huge study released by statistics Canada in 1993 (white ribbon campaign handout) informs us that one in two Canadian women has experienced physical or sexual violence since the age of 16. The study’s definition of violence follows Criminal Code of Canada and does not include the many forms of sexual harassment women experience everyday. Violence against women in Canada takes a variety of forms including physical assault, sexual assault, sexual harassment, psychological abuse and emotional abuse. Not all violence leaves physical scars. Violence against women consists of sexist jokes to domineering forms of behaviour, battering and murder. (I am going to include financial abuse which was not mentioned at the time). Three out of four women in your neighbourhood fear using public transport after dark. Only two in five feel safe walking in their neighbourhood after dark. Basic rights that men enjoy are the source of fear of the majority of Canadian women. The fear is greatest in women’s own homes. A common myth is that violence against women is committed by strangers. In fact women are most at risk from men they know - their husbands, boyfriends, dates, uncles, employers and caregivers. Of women who experienced violence only 23% was by a stranger. Almost one in three women (29%) who have ever been married or lived in a common-law relationship have experienced violence at the hands of their male partners. Every seven minutes a sexual assault is committed in Canada. 90% of the victims are women. Violence against women occurs in every region of Canada, among the rich, poor, middle class and among those of every nationality, religion and race. Violence is something learned. It is a result of the way many men learn to express their masculinity in relationships with women, children and other men. Gloria Steinem revealed that one in four women is sexually assaulted in her life time. 51% of college men said they would rape if they could get away with it. Domestic violence is the single largest cause of injury to women in the U.S.A. More than half of battering husbands also abuse their children. Battered women are more likely to be killed after attempting to escape, yet 40% of women who apply for shelters for themselves and their children cannot find one. How does Male violence affect society? Kaufman talks about violence being institutionalized as an acceptable means of solving conflict. Now the world over poses a threat to the future of life itself. The daily work life of industrial and class societies, is one of violence. It is violence that exposes workers to the dangers of chemicals, radiation, machinery; muscle strain. It is violence that condemns the majority to work to exhaustion for forty or fifty years and then to be thrown into society’s garbage bin for the elderly and used up. The racism, sexism and heterosexism that have been institutionalized in our societies are socially regulated acts of violence. Kaufman in Beyond Patriarch reveals that violence is not only against women, but also against other men and oneself. Violence against other men is visible throughout society. Some forms such as fighting, the ritualized, display violence of teenagers and some groups of adult men, institutionalized rape in prisons and attacks on gay or racial minorities are very direct expressions of this violence. In many sports, violence is incorporated into exercise and entertainment. More subtle forms are the verbal putdowns or combined with economic and other factors, the competition in the business, political or academic world. In its more frightening form violence has long been an acceptable and even preferred method of addressing differences and conflicts among different groups and states. Beyond Patriarchy expresses concern about the affect of sports on relations with other men. Sports where territorial control is important such as football, basket ball, boxing and hockey encourage athletes to treat each other as enemies to be intimidated and brutalized, when in reality they are co-players without whom the rewards of playing cannot be obtained. Kaufman refers to Allan Sack, an American Sociologist who played in the 1966 Notre Dame Championship football team. He said that in many ways football is a training ground for rape. In the game, players learn to control the field to dominate other players and in the dressing room they endlessly fantasize and celebrate the male sexual conquest of women. There is violence in Not a Love Story. Penthouse and Playboy both sold more than three times and New Week together (at the time this would have been studied. Three to one porn outsell “normal” movies. A woman who makes love to her boyfriend hears a man from the audience yell F——H——. Hurt her. Because she has a small frame and he is big. Hurting women is bonding men. One impotent man felt strong again when watching women be dominated. Pornography is filled with the desecration of a woman’s body. The power of the woman’s psyche has to be destroyed. More violence is required to stimulate. One photo depicted a woman in a meat grinder. Pornography - anti sexuality. The conclusion is the destruction of the human body. The soul knows that the spirit is in the body. By violating the sexually, you are violating the soul. Rather than dealing with the negativeness in ourselves, we direct it at others. Can Rapist be Stopped exposes how rapists get excited thinking rape when following a van with a woman within. Even in aversion therapy, violence is still used by an electrical charge to the man’s private part when excited. Another rapist attempted to rape his mother and then killed her. Over 60% of men at this centre were sexually abused as children. Therapist in the movie said that they (rapists) feel powerful being in control. Number of men who have committed suicide are more than killed in the U.S. (At that time). Anybody’s Son Will Do - There are 20 wars at any given time. Narrator states that soldiers are a modern street gang. The army indoctrinates recruits that the enemy is not human so it is ok to kill him. It does not take a special kind of person, anyone’s son will do. We employ soldiers to do the dying for us. Kaufman in Cracking the Armour states that no woman can feel completely secure because 30% to 50% of women have been beaten, raped or victimized by incest, and countless more have been pressured into having sex or have been sexually harassed at work or on the street. Paul Kivel’s, Men Work reveals that men don’t suddenly appear in life, armed and dangerous. It takes years and years of training to turn boys into violent men. We taught the boys to fight, stand up for themselves, stay in control, and have no feelings to make them vulnerable. This strategy set up both girls and boys as targets of violence. Kivel too speaks of positive portrayals of violence in our culture. Our movie and sports heroes use violence and are rewarded for it with power, status, money and women.