A Date with Prejudice

I deal with a lot of pain and suffering that people have. Recently, I was asked about the age demographics and etc I have dealt with…by my old Professor and now friend while we were having dinner. I am fortunate that I live in a multi cultural city, have travelled and have experienced being in company with almost every religion, culture and nationality. Are they differences in the problems? I was asked. My answer was simple, I have dealt with people from children, teens, twenties to 90’s in one capacity or another. People are generally the same. Some may have problems that are more relevant to them due for an example living in another country with different values which causes friction when there is a preference for another style, by the parent or spouse etc… People coming from another country where women are subservient, discover a voice and become empowered. Of course that will cause friction in a family where an imbalance of power was the norm. Lack of communication is another big problem, and a major one. Everyone thinks they are right and the other is wrong and often they each look at the therapist to find validation regarding this. However, when it is a couple, it is they who have to learn how to communicate with each other to determine what it is each wants and how they can achieve that. Some couples can do that on their own; others cannot. I provide only the tools. Each person needs to decide what he or she wants, is willing to change or naught. My professor, I think of him as my professor even though I am a post grad, is still teaching me about the goodness in others. Being in his company is like drinking goodness. Being with him is like having a conversation about hope and making this earth a better place. It is a discussion of the complexity of humanity. It is positive. Last night however, I had a date with prejudice. I forced myself to not fall asleep while I heard repetitious stories of the importance of each grandchild, uncle, of their status in life, travel etc….That just bored me to tears because I do not know these people even though I understood the psychology of the person needing to say all that was being said. Then came the prejudice, the hatred of different skin colour (which is only pigmentation. How do people not get that?). Hatred increased to a specific religion and then I felt that I was no longer being bored to death, I was being poisoned. I could not wait until the torture was over and this time I did not even bother trying to rationalize the hatred. It was too deep, too engrained, too much kept in check, while in the company of others. As I left and felt the cold air hit me, I returned gratefully to the warm comfort of my nineteen year old car who cannot understand why I do not allow him to vote. As I drove along the side streets, the poison I had been fed, slowly dissipated as the beauty of the Christmas lights cleared a path for me. It was a struggle to go home without looking at all the lights. I feared I would hit someone, even if the streets were bare, except for the glow of beautiful lights - the lights of hope. This night, our last night of the year, I shall dance away all the negativity, all the poisons I will shed the old and tomorrow I shall begin again with new experiences, new associates and new hope. I see a future where countries unite so that no child will ever have to go to sleep hungry or alone. I see a world where there will be peace. I see a world where poison will be replaced by something positive to improve rather than destroy. We are all responsible to make our world just a little bit better and more fun. So tomorrows New Year Resolution for me is to have more fun, dance more and be able to deal more appropriately with poison in whatever dose. What do you think? Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

Twice it has happened to me that I felt complete and utter peacefulness. Once I was at Mass and once I was at the office. Since I began to train as a therapist six years now one of the first things I needed to focus on was my self. I had to become mindful of transference and counter transference. I had to really focus on self care so I could care for others. I had to ensure that I was healthy minded so I could help others. So, since I am always mindful of myself, my own feelings and self care; if I am even slightly agitated I examine it. It may mean slowing down. It may be shortening my day. It may be having more fun. It may be spending more time outside. It may be ensuring that those in my circle are good for me. I have always chosen my friends and sometimes others have chosen me. Ultimately it has always been my decision and what I have always based that on was their kindness, their honesty and their own path on life. As I have grown older, I tolerate less in my circle. I cannot tolerate gossip anymore. I cannot stand talking on the phone for any long period. I have little tolerance for arrogance. What I am drawn to is love, which is innocent and open. I do not like men who stare at me as if they have never seen a woman in their lives and they want to dissect me. I do not like men who are loud and put others down. I do not settle for less. I learned in my early life about love and respect for a partner and that has helped me in the therapy I provide. I do not judge. I help guide them to what each wants and what they can compromise for each other. I help them realize that they are two distinct people who come from two distinct lives and they have selected each other for their met and unmet needs. I help them to communicate with each other. Sometimes there is abuse and sometimes the abuse is from the person who thinks she or he has been the victim. Perhaps that has been so in the past, but in the present, he or she has learned to abuse. Last night when I heard Pope Francis chastise the leaders of the Church, I chuckled. This morning I chuckled again and then I prayed for him. It is not easy being a leader. It is much easier to go with the flow. It is not easy to say something is wrong. In families when one child is different, the others can gang up as they think they are right and the one that is different is wrong. That is why I always encourage outside influences. It may be sports, clubs, a larger circle of positive influences so that the person struggling does not feel alone, but realizes that his or her family has a lot of power over him or her, but she or he has options of seeing how other people feel and think. One positive adult in a child’s life can make all the difference in how the child sees herself. It may be a teacher, a policeman, a Priest etc…….one person can make the difference in how the person sees himself. That is how therapy works too. It offers the person to step back from the abuse, or gossip or anything else that is destructive in his life. No one has the right to harm another, especially a child. Christmas is such a difficult time for some people and I want to remind you , who are lonely and sad and thinking suicide to realize that there is another choice. You have the choice to decide who should be in your life. You have the choice to decide how you can make your life more peaceful, happy etc…..You may have been convinced that you are not worthy of love but they are wrong. Take a look at the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful you are each day. Give yourself the positive feedback. This Christmas why not examine who is in your life and who makes you happy? Why? This Christmas why not give yourself a gift, the gift of life. Why not close your eyes and take a deep breath and shake off all the negativity that surrounds you, while you decide that there are options, find them and begin to breath a new life giving breath. This Christmas, why not reach out to someone who is alone with no family, no friends; no pets. It can be a warm smile making all the difference for that person. Why not spend a moment of your time instead of gossiping about someone, doing something nice for that person. Why not examine yourself and what you are lacking in yourself that makes you want to demean others. Are you afraid of the attention you may get? This year has been good to me. My practise is slowly growing at my own speed. I have begun my third book. I am now reading and proof reading my second book which has been sent to me from my editor. There were hiccups about the title but it is my book and I decide on the title, as my publisher understood. I need to be fresh when I read the editor’s notes, so my blogs need to be reduced while I proof read. However, my family and friends are first, clients are a very close second and my beloved books are third. So, no rushing me! This year I wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah; Happy Holidays. If I see one more Santa movie I am going to scream. I would like to see more about the birth of Jesus and have to wait until boxing day to tape that. Why not take a moment to be thankful for everything you have? Why not take a moment to examine your inner feelings? Why not take a moment to wonder who you are, who you can be and how to get there? Merry Christmas. And Santa, I am sorry that I forgot to write to you this year. However, I see that you already delivered many of my presents. I must have been sleeping. What do you think?

It’s Christmas time. What are you doing?

I love to celebrate. Give me a reason and it’s a celebration. I love parties, people and socializing. This is what I have been doing all month. My lights are shining brightly outside. My Christmas decorations are all up. My presents are wrapped and many have been exchanged and I am still going. I opted for two celebrations over two seminars. This is my month for fun, fun and more fun. This is my time to see each and every person in my life who is important to me. This is my time to reach out to people I know in the rest of the world even if it is by a telephone call or card. This is when my balance is tipped for more pleasure. I love life and all that it offers. I appreciate each breath that I have. I have for most of my life belonged to one group or another in social and work settings. I believe we are all equal. Some have had more advantages or opportunities, some have had more wealth and some have been provided with more love than others. One of the precious things that many of us have is free will. Many of us live in a democratic society where there are opportunities. We have the choice to make decisions, to seek out help, to even go to a food bank if there is no food, when others in the world are starving, being tortured or being brutally killed. This Christmas why not examine what you do have in your life. Christmas can be a very sad time for some. Some people feel very much alone, abandoned by their families and society. Some have suffered tragic loss. This Christmas if you are feeling sad because of what life has thrown at you, do something about it. If you are being abused perhaps it is time to take action to have it stop. Go to a Crises Centre, or report it to the police. There is a lot of controversy regarding the police lately and I find it quite sad, because there are so many wonderful policewomen and men out there who volunteer and work with those who need them. If you are feeling suicidal please re-examine your opportunities. Even though you are feeling like you are in a deep pit, there is someone out there who does care about you. Go to your nearest crises centre and share how you are feeling. For you who are abused both men, women and children, there is help for you. This does not need to be your life. You can change it. Pick up the phone. This Christmas do something for yourself. This Christmas do something for another. Do not forget your elderly neighbour who has lost everyone near and dear to him or her. Even a small gift can make all the difference, the gift of a visit can be enough. This Christmas why not love someone including yourself. As I look up at the angel on my tree, I can hear a ring, is it possible that an angel just got her wings? What do you think?

Christmas is coming to town. Is believing in God politically incorrect? How good are the good?

We now live in a society where people are afraid to say Merry Christmas. They are afraid to put an angel on top of a tree. We have the illusion of living in an expression free society but we are still afraid of angels on trees. Why are people so afraid of Jesus or God? I understand this from a communist country where dictatorship prevails. No one can be considered more powerful than those in control. These countries where we trade with and where we buy from, only make those in power wealthy at the sufferings and exploitation of those who are employed. Where is our social conscience? Where is justice? I do not think that believing in God is possible for everyone. What I think is most important is the heart of the person. Some who cannot believe in God are very good, very kind people. Others who believe in God commit the most horrible crimes. Some have never been introduced to God. Some have been sexually, physically and emotionally abused from those who were supposed to protect them and then they go to church and are told to honour and obey their parents. But, the intention of that commandment is for it to work both ways though at times the religious leaders forget to mention that. How can children believe in God when they do not know who God is? Yet, I have been told many times than when life became hard and hopeless they always felt something was there to help them as children. Not in all cases but in more than I would expect. Now the question is why would someone feel a protector and others not? I do not know. Is it possible that some are more in tune with their spirituality? I do not know. I do not know all the answers because I am human and not God. Someone reading my blog some time ago asked me to read his paper. I did so even if it was months later. There I read about how religious leaders will not answer questions and as I read comments from the others in response to what he wrote, it appeared that they were discouraged from answering questions. I have to admit I was surprised by that. I do not know what religious denominations they are, or who they were asking, but I was surprised. I remember when I studied Introduction to the New Testament, the Jesuit professor began by telling us how in the Bible you find it all. You find sex, child abuse, war, torture etc…He was rather annoyed that in Church when they read passages some say it is the “Word of God” rather than where the passages are found. I agree. I still flinch. So, when lay people say you find this in the Bible so it is ok to beat your child, it is not. So when you think you can abuse your child and think it is ok, it is not. This post is not going to be a lesson about scriptures. I post my papers and more formality about religion will be provided. Eventually, I will post everything, even if it becomes dated (I will let you know when that is). But my point is that children need to be protected, even if the minister or priest does not mention it. I remember before I began my studies, I was introduced to a Minister by her husband who told her I was going to study Ministry and Spirituality and that I was going to study Pastoral Counselling. She was very bubbly and told me something that I already knew as a layperson that she was either very much in denial or very naive. She said that in her Parish no one had problems. This is why I cannot ever say that I have heard it all. I cannot say that because I always hear something that baffles me completely. I don’t think it will matter how old I get, I shall still be surprised at what people say (I am not complaining. That keeps life interesting. It keeps my grey cells awake). I knew another Minister in the making who always wore the best of designer clothes because her church is very wealthy. Why was I surprised that people donating money and I am not going to say hard earned because I hope it wasn’t, going to designer clothes. I can write a book on that topic alone, but I won’t. When I hear complaints about Ministers or Pastors or Priests, I encourage them to find a Church to their liking. However, living in a city where there are many many churches, I forget that people who live in the country or isolated places do not have that same luxury. There are no choices for some and so they sometimes have to hear the Minister talk what is actually nonsense and some believe that it is the word of God, because Minister or Priest or leader of any religious affiliation is the representative of God. But remember this, whoever that Minister or Priest or Rabbi or who ever he or she is, that person is human and is not God. They have weaknesses as all humans have. They have had a certain life, either good or bad and some of that will rub off on you. Ideally someone going into religious life, is going in for the right reasons. What are the right reasons? I am not obedient, want to be poor or believe that I have to be chaste all my life so I would have never dreamed about being in religious life as a RC. I know of one Minister who was agnostic but needed to feed his family. Who am I to judge? I cannot. I have no idea what it is like to feed an entire family but I do believe that people will do just about anything to feed their families. If we do not eat, we die. The point of all this is that if you have been misled, or upset with a religious leader, this has nothing to do with God. We have free will and that includes impersonating a figure that one wants to be or hopes to be or inspires to be for whatever reason good or bad. So why am I writing about this today? I do not know. I did not intend to write about this today. I wanted to write about couple therapy and this is what I wrote instead. How do you find God in an ungodly world? What do you think? Merry Christmas! (By the way, try reading the New Testament out loud and begin with Mark just to please me. Note the words of Jesus. He was always so annoyed with the religious leaders. Don’t let that sway you in your own faith whatever it may be.

Niagara Falls - A me me day

I have not taken two Saturdays off work in a row since I have begun to work Saturdays. When I was thinking about a retirement job, I actually thought of being a real estate agent. I love looking at houses and their interiors. However, I did not want to work nights or weekends. This was my time. At last weeks conference I was speaking to a therapist from London and when I asked him about his schedule, he said his schedule includes two evenings (from the three he used to work) and Saturdays. I began working Saturdays to accommodate people who simply could not see me at any other times. It has been a very busy month and so I took my day to go to Niagara with no regrets, even though I did think a lot before making that decision. So yesterday I went to Niagara with my own prescription of self - care. I go girl! One woman was late for our bus since she was coming from the middle of no where near Mississauga. While waiting for her, I asked our host if it was ok to run across to the bakery and grab a coffee to go. I wish she had said no. I bought the coffee and chocolate covered cream cone. I would have rather have had something more substantial but there was no such thing in the bakery. I had asked if the cone was made fresh this day and I was informed it was by the young clerk. I should have asked the owner because she normally tells me quite grudgingly whether it is or not. That is why I prefer Italian bakeries. Italians like fresh and not to sell fresh would be insulting to them (now who’s stereotyping? I’m bad!) Needless to say I did not feel too well for most of the day. Our first stop was Niagara on the Lake. I have never been there in the winter. The first thing that happened in the friendly town, was some store clerk coming out and telling our driver to park elsewhere. I guess he was wasn’t looking forward to have a load of customers walk into his store. Now if I was the shop keeper, I would have invited all in personally and then maybe telling them after they had bought so much, that perhaps they should park where it is more convenient for them such as a parking lot. But, what business sense do I have????? Niagara in the Lake or on the Lake, is a favourite spot for many people who I know. I prefer Niagara Falls, but this would be a hot spot for me, if I lived in Niagara Falls. It is a nice stretch of road and I think I could be motivated to cycle there and remain in one piece without being killed by traffic. I really do need to get back in shape. I hear complaints however, from people who know people, who know people, who have moved to Niagara on the Lake area, who come running back to Toronto, because they become bored. I remember after I retired the first time and began my second career, how exciting it was to be bored. I was riding my bicycle around and one man once yelled out from his stopped vehicle at a light stop, asking me if that was all I did all day. His passenger gasped. “Hell no, I drink coffee too! I responded quite graciously. His passenger relaxed. It was not long that I realized that I would have to do more. But it definitely was a nice holiday. So we are in Niagara on the Lake and my buddy, a 95 year old WW11 vet and I stroll into shops where I am hoping to find a Christmas gift for a sibling of mine. All requires personal taste so I am concerned. I see a Starbucks and I am in my glory though my stomach is acting up from a few hours ago of eating the old cream cone and awful coffee I could not finish. Drink water my buddy says and let it go through your system. I always listen to those older and wiser and so I do not get a coffee and have no coffee for the rest of the day. My stomach is crying and I am sure I have been poisoned. Outside of Starbucks there is a small party of people and two dogs. One person hails out to us and so we stop. Now, we only have an hour to explore, but we are polite being from Toronto and all, so we stop and converse, all the while being mindful that more socializing means less time shopping to find that gift I really need by next weekend. Everyone has spent time in the military or knows someone from the military etc….Niagara on the Lake is a nice place to live, we hear, and the dogs love the pool and it is surprisingly cheap. People living there come from everywhere………..After a while, another man and dog joins us and the man is very nice looking. However, we need to leave so we can see at least a few shops. As we are leaving I am asked if my buddy is my father and I respond without realizing that I am being my rude self, that my dad was much younger. All dads should be young so they can skip along the sidewalk and be silly incognito. It teaches you that you can be silly at any age and it is ok. It teaches you that you do not need to be serious all the time, and that it is ok to have silly fun, even if it is skipping down the street with your prim and proper family. As we leave the group, I tell my buddy, that perhaps I am not friendly. Maybe it is true what people say about Torontonians. They were too friendly I cry out. How do you get away from too friendly people if they live next door to you? How do you hide? It is easy in Toronto. If I want people I sit at the front, if I want alone time, I sit in the back. Yes, people come and find me in the back but that is in small samples. With the small group outside Starbucks I defended Toronto. That can become quite tiresome. I say that people from Toronto are friendly. I say that people come from all over to live there and perhaps they are not friendly. Yes people are busy going to and from work and people are busy on their lap tops and etc….but people are friendly unless they are busy going somewhere, are actors trying to be invisible, are people stressed out or just want to be left alone. What is wrong with that??????? “I am not friendly!” I cry out to my buddy at my new discovery. “Do you think they were too friendly?” He asks quite seriously. “Yes.” I respond. I want to shop. I have a week to get organized to host a party and I am no where close to being ready for it. My stomach is still crying. We walk into a bakery shop and I see scones. Real scones are so hard to find and this is as close to it as I have seen in a while. I check out the prices and then see day olds for half the price. I squeeze them and it is the freshest squeeze I have felt in a long time. Now this is fresh and it is really a day old, less than a day I am sure, so I buy a pack. I have very little money on me and this is the last of it, since I did not have time to go to the bank. I was waiting for my office love seat to arrive from Bad Boy all day Friday. It arrived near the end of the day and as the delivery men turned it over, what do I see but “made in China.” I purchase my coveted scones and we leave needing to find our bus. We do not want to stay in Niagara on the Lake where most of the shops are still closed because it is too early. I am looking for the “back Friday” sales and I do not seem to see any. Is it because it is not Friday? Next stop is a wine tasting. I want to buy some wine for my party. However, the wine is all too fruity which they brag about. “If I want fruity, I would buy some fruit juice and pour some alcohol in it.” I say to anyone in my vicinity who may be interested in my friendliness. My stomach is begging me to stop torturing it and is not letting me forget it. I begin to feel myself getting dizzy. How can you get drunk sipping a bit of wine? Others complain about feeling dizzy too so I begin to believe that this is the new normal. You taste fruity wine and you all feel dizzy. I did not buy any wine. I do not want my guests to get dizzy with fruity wine. I decide I do not like the taste of fruity wine, but remind myself that they do make wine with grapes. However, I like the taste of full rich wine that is not sweet and yet not dry. We leave the fruity palace and I eat cheese and crackers our host provided so I do not feel dizzy any more. We head out to the Italian restaurant where we wait a full hour between our soup which was very good to the main course. At least that is what my buddy tells me. He is quite upset about the long wait and then I mention the million dollar reviewer from England who complains if he has to wait. Now I understand why he complains. My now two companions are trying to figure out who the reviewer is and one mistakes him with another who he calls a dog because he finds him so rude. No this guy is not rude, I respond. He does not yell at people nor calls them names. I only watched the “dog” for about five minutes before changing channels. His name fails me. I report that this guy goes around to different cities in different countries and checks out about three restaurants and then picks one to write a review and it is called a million dollar review, because the reviewer is apparently well known according to him and he can make a restaurant completely turn around from being unknown to famous. I think he is a nice guy, not like the “dog” they are talking about. I am trying to understand why they are calling him a dog. I like dogs. They provide unconditional love. Dogs are kind. I encourage them to watch the show, because it gives you a taste of each city. You see some of the scenery and get a good impression of the city. I leave about half of my entire meal and skip the dessert. I drink lots of water and my stomach thanks me. I go to the bathroom and realize that my buddy was right. We are told to rush as our bus is going to leave. My buddy is still eating dessert and drinking his tea. The other companion left before the main course because he was hungry and he had food in the bus. My companion is unconcerned about rushing to the bus because he is still upset, that he had to wait for an hour. That was a discussion in itself. Why does it take an hour if they knew we were coming? All the possibilities were explored. Someone didn’t show up for work etc……. I remind him that TIP is to insure prompt service. One did not tip at all, after all he went to the bus to eat his own food. Why isn’t the tip included in the price? Finally, we get to go to the Casino to watch the ice show. My stomach is beginning to thank me for drinking all that water. Who knew? The show is amazing. I love it. I tell my small audience of buddies that if I lived in Niagara Falls I would go to all these shows. They have great seats and the prices are wonderful. Yes, I could live here in a house with a pool for me and not my dogs (as if I would have a say) and watch all the shows at the casino. When I miss people, I would go to Clifton Hill and look at them. I would have a home office and not need to rent an office. Now that is what I call retirement. I could write my books by the pool after a swim and feed a new Melissa. I would have to cover the pool, so little animals do not drown. Should I or shouldn’t I? That is the question. The show is a success. We are singing with the singers and my buddy tells me that most are not really singing at all, it is a tape. I don’t want to believe that and we have an argument about it as we watch the show which we all love. “I should know” I am a singer, buddy states. “Who cares” I think. My bubble is burst. I want to think that they are all really singing as we sing along with them because we are all quite in the festive season. It is over and my buddy reports the time. I realize that buddy is really conscious of time. Why does time matter when you are 95, me thinks. The show is over and most of the audience is standing. Happiness is contagious and everyone is smiling at one another while some are checking some out. I smile in return because I am from Toronto and I am friendly, as we all are in Toronto. Buddy and I go to the Casino where we get to spend the $10.00 they put on our individual cards. We find a five cent machine, which I thought would last a while and in about a minute my $10.00 is gone. “How did that happen?” The woman at the next machine tells me how it happened and she tells me that she has one hundred in her machine and I am stupid to be playing with only $10.00. She actually said that she is playing with $100. and that I should’t be playing if I do not expect to lose money. She then called me stupid. “Stupid? I reply. “You are the one playing with one hundred dollars. I go to the bank machine because I really do need to buy some gift or other. I am charged 3.00 for getting my money. What will they think of next? Did I ever mention fuel costs for delivery of mail? The woman who called me stupid is watching me and laughing so I go up to her. I ask her how much she had already lost. She tell me she lost 200. so far (on top of the 100 in the machine). I suddenly feel very bad for her. I place my hand on her shoulder and tell her to take care of herself. Buddy is sad too. “Does she use her entire pension to gamble?” They should control that more.” I reply. We generate an entire conversation on how that can be controlled, with cards required to play, with limits recorded ……………. We go shopping. I do not like shopping, but buddy loves it. I am wondering if I will not have a gift for my sibling. How can I let that happen. Then I see it. It is small but good quality and sibling likes quality so I buy it. I cannot reveal what it is in case sibling is reading this. I buy one bottle of wine which I consider good after sampling some more. I also buy a bottle of some coffee cream liqueur which does not taste to shabby. I have bought my stuff and I remark to buddy how much I could have spent if I had 300. to do so. I want to find a restaurant with a view of the falls, buddy being cheap at 95 wants Tim Horton’s. We compromise. There are no seats to view the falls that I care for. What I want is empty but reserved. I am told that they have something better for me. I do not think so because I am from Toronto and am used to being scammed and lied to. So, we go to Tim Horton’s. I have soup with Tea. That is what I have when I am sick. Buddy and I hang out looking at the Christmas trees. I have seen two people I recognized from York University. I see my favourite psychology professor. She is too far for me to reach and she disappears in the crowd. The other, well…… It is time to go. We are not going to go by the falls because Disney did not renew the contract and there is no Mickey Mouse to see. How disappointing that is. Apparently with no Disney, the lights are not anything to look at and now they charge buses $125.00 to look at lights. Surprise, surprise. It is late and we drive back to Toronto. There is a traffic jam. Really???? Then I see it, the car on its’ roof. I say a little prayer for who had been inside. We are back in track and I close my eyes so I do not have to see when I go up the Burlington bridge. Of course it never fails. I open my eyes and we go up the Burlington bridge. We are making good time, but it is still after 9pm when we see the lights of Toronto. I feel a warmth generating inside me. I love my city. It is alive. As I type this, I think, I love New York more. It is more alive. But, I would love a house with a pool near the border so I could afford to shop on the other side. Addiction is a big problem. If you think you have an addiction problem go for help. If you don’t have an addiction problem but those close to you tell you, that you do, ask someone you trust if that is so. If you really don’t think you have an addiction problem, why not appease your close ones by stopping whatever that is. Can you stop? No? Why is that? What do you think?