A Date with Prejudice

I deal with a lot of pain and suffering that people have. Recently, I was asked about the age demographics and etc I have dealt with…by my old Professor and now friend while we were having dinner. I am fortunate that I live in a multi cultural city, have travelled and have experienced being in company with almost every religion, culture and nationality. Are they differences in the problems? I was asked. My answer was simple, I have dealt with people from children, teens, twenties to 90’s in one capacity or another. People are generally the same. Some may have problems that are more relevant to them due for an example living in another country with different values which causes friction when there is a preference for another style, by the parent or spouse etc… People coming from another country where women are subservient, discover a voice and become empowered. Of course that will cause friction in a family where an imbalance of power was the norm. Lack of communication is another big problem, and a major one. Everyone thinks they are right and the other is wrong and often they each look at the therapist to find validation regarding this. However, when it is a couple, it is they who have to learn how to communicate with each other to determine what it is each wants and how they can achieve that. Some couples can do that on their own; others cannot. I provide only the tools. Each person needs to decide what he or she wants, is willing to change or naught. My professor, I think of him as my professor even though I am a post grad, is still teaching me about the goodness in others. Being in his company is like drinking goodness. Being with him is like having a conversation about hope and making this earth a better place. It is a discussion of the complexity of humanity. It is positive. Last night however, I had a date with prejudice. I forced myself to not fall asleep while I heard repetitious stories of the importance of each grandchild, uncle, of their status in life, travel etc….That just bored me to tears because I do not know these people even though I understood the psychology of the person needing to say all that was being said. Then came the prejudice, the hatred of different skin colour (which is only pigmentation. How do people not get that?). Hatred increased to a specific religion and then I felt that I was no longer being bored to death, I was being poisoned. I could not wait until the torture was over and this time I did not even bother trying to rationalize the hatred. It was too deep, too engrained, too much kept in check, while in the company of others. As I left and felt the cold air hit me, I returned gratefully to the warm comfort of my nineteen year old car who cannot understand why I do not allow him to vote. As I drove along the side streets, the poison I had been fed, slowly dissipated as the beauty of the Christmas lights cleared a path for me. It was a struggle to go home without looking at all the lights. I feared I would hit someone, even if the streets were bare, except for the glow of beautiful lights - the lights of hope. This night, our last night of the year, I shall dance away all the negativity, all the poisons I will shed the old and tomorrow I shall begin again with new experiences, new associates and new hope. I see a future where countries unite so that no child will ever have to go to sleep hungry or alone. I see a world where there will be peace. I see a world where poison will be replaced by something positive to improve rather than destroy. We are all responsible to make our world just a little bit better and more fun. So tomorrows New Year Resolution for me is to have more fun, dance more and be able to deal more appropriately with poison in whatever dose. What do you think? Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

Twice it has happened to me that I felt complete and utter peacefulness. Once I was at Mass and once I was at the office. Since I began to train as a therapist six years now one of the first things I needed to focus on was my self. I had to become mindful of transference and counter transference. I had to really focus on self care so I could care for others. I had to ensure that I was healthy minded so I could help others. So, since I am always mindful of myself, my own feelings and self care; if I am even slightly agitated I examine it. It may mean slowing down. It may be shortening my day. It may be having more fun. It may be spending more time outside. It may be ensuring that those in my circle are good for me. I have always chosen my friends and sometimes others have chosen me. Ultimately it has always been my decision and what I have always based that on was their kindness, their honesty and their own path on life. As I have grown older, I tolerate less in my circle. I cannot tolerate gossip anymore. I cannot stand talking on the phone for any long period. I have little tolerance for arrogance. What I am drawn to is love, which is innocent and open. I do not like men who stare at me as if they have never seen a woman in their lives and they want to dissect me. I do not like men who are loud and put others down. I do not settle for less. I learned in my early life about love and respect for a partner and that has helped me in the therapy I provide. I do not judge. I help guide them to what each wants and what they can compromise for each other. I help them realize that they are two distinct people who come from two distinct lives and they have selected each other for their met and unmet needs. I help them to communicate with each other. Sometimes there is abuse and sometimes the abuse is from the person who thinks she or he has been the victim. Perhaps that has been so in the past, but in the present, he or she has learned to abuse. Last night when I heard Pope Francis chastise the leaders of the Church, I chuckled. This morning I chuckled again and then I prayed for him. It is not easy being a leader. It is much easier to go with the flow. It is not easy to say something is wrong. In families when one child is different, the others can gang up as they think they are right and the one that is different is wrong. That is why I always encourage outside influences. It may be sports, clubs, a larger circle of positive influences so that the person struggling does not feel alone, but realizes that his or her family has a lot of power over him or her, but she or he has options of seeing how other people feel and think. One positive adult in a child’s life can make all the difference in how the child sees herself. It may be a teacher, a policeman, a Priest etc…….one person can make the difference in how the person sees himself. That is how therapy works too. It offers the person to step back from the abuse, or gossip or anything else that is destructive in his life. No one has the right to harm another, especially a child. Christmas is such a difficult time for some people and I want to remind you , who are lonely and sad and thinking suicide to realize that there is another choice. You have the choice to decide who should be in your life. You have the choice to decide how you can make your life more peaceful, happy etc…..You may have been convinced that you are not worthy of love but they are wrong. Take a look at the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful you are each day. Give yourself the positive feedback. This Christmas why not examine who is in your life and who makes you happy? Why? This Christmas why not give yourself a gift, the gift of life. Why not close your eyes and take a deep breath and shake off all the negativity that surrounds you, while you decide that there are options, find them and begin to breath a new life giving breath. This Christmas, why not reach out to someone who is alone with no family, no friends; no pets. It can be a warm smile making all the difference for that person. Why not spend a moment of your time instead of gossiping about someone, doing something nice for that person. Why not examine yourself and what you are lacking in yourself that makes you want to demean others. Are you afraid of the attention you may get? This year has been good to me. My practise is slowly growing at my own speed. I have begun my third book. I am now reading and proof reading my second book which has been sent to me from my editor. There were hiccups about the title but it is my book and I decide on the title, as my publisher understood. I need to be fresh when I read the editor’s notes, so my blogs need to be reduced while I proof read. However, my family and friends are first, clients are a very close second and my beloved books are third. So, no rushing me! This year I wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah; Happy Holidays. If I see one more Santa movie I am going to scream. I would like to see more about the birth of Jesus and have to wait until boxing day to tape that. Why not take a moment to be thankful for everything you have? Why not take a moment to examine your inner feelings? Why not take a moment to wonder who you are, who you can be and how to get there? Merry Christmas. And Santa, I am sorry that I forgot to write to you this year. However, I see that you already delivered many of my presents. I must have been sleeping. What do you think?

It’s Christmas time. What are you doing?

I love to celebrate. Give me a reason and it’s a celebration. I love parties, people and socializing. This is what I have been doing all month. My lights are shining brightly outside. My Christmas decorations are all up. My presents are wrapped and many have been exchanged and I am still going. I opted for two celebrations over two seminars. This is my month for fun, fun and more fun. This is my time to see each and every person in my life who is important to me. This is my time to reach out to people I know in the rest of the world even if it is by a telephone call or card. This is when my balance is tipped for more pleasure. I love life and all that it offers. I appreciate each breath that I have. I have for most of my life belonged to one group or another in social and work settings. I believe we are all equal. Some have had more advantages or opportunities, some have had more wealth and some have been provided with more love than others. One of the precious things that many of us have is free will. Many of us live in a democratic society where there are opportunities. We have the choice to make decisions, to seek out help, to even go to a food bank if there is no food, when others in the world are starving, being tortured or being brutally killed. This Christmas why not examine what you do have in your life. Christmas can be a very sad time for some. Some people feel very much alone, abandoned by their families and society. Some have suffered tragic loss. This Christmas if you are feeling sad because of what life has thrown at you, do something about it. If you are being abused perhaps it is time to take action to have it stop. Go to a Crises Centre, or report it to the police. There is a lot of controversy regarding the police lately and I find it quite sad, because there are so many wonderful policewomen and men out there who volunteer and work with those who need them. If you are feeling suicidal please re-examine your opportunities. Even though you are feeling like you are in a deep pit, there is someone out there who does care about you. Go to your nearest crises centre and share how you are feeling. For you who are abused both men, women and children, there is help for you. This does not need to be your life. You can change it. Pick up the phone. This Christmas do something for yourself. This Christmas do something for another. Do not forget your elderly neighbour who has lost everyone near and dear to him or her. Even a small gift can make all the difference, the gift of a visit can be enough. This Christmas why not love someone including yourself. As I look up at the angel on my tree, I can hear a ring, is it possible that an angel just got her wings? What do you think?

Christmas is coming to town. Is believing in God politically incorrect? How good are the good?

We now live in a society where people are afraid to say Merry Christmas. They are afraid to put an angel on top of a tree. We have the illusion of living in an expression free society but we are still afraid of angels on trees. Why are people so afraid of Jesus or God? I understand this from a communist country where dictatorship prevails. No one can be considered more powerful than those in control. These countries where we trade with and where we buy from, only make those in power wealthy at the sufferings and exploitation of those who are employed. Where is our social conscience? Where is justice? I do not think that believing in God is possible for everyone. What I think is most important is the heart of the person. Some who cannot believe in God are very good, very kind people. Others who believe in God commit the most horrible crimes. Some have never been introduced to God. Some have been sexually, physically and emotionally abused from those who were supposed to protect them and then they go to church and are told to honour and obey their parents. But, the intention of that commandment is for it to work both ways though at times the religious leaders forget to mention that. How can children believe in God when they do not know who God is? Yet, I have been told many times than when life became hard and hopeless they always felt something was there to help them as children. Not in all cases but in more than I would expect. Now the question is why would someone feel a protector and others not? I do not know. Is it possible that some are more in tune with their spirituality? I do not know. I do not know all the answers because I am human and not God. Someone reading my blog some time ago asked me to read his paper. I did so even if it was months later. There I read about how religious leaders will not answer questions and as I read comments from the others in response to what he wrote, it appeared that they were discouraged from answering questions. I have to admit I was surprised by that. I do not know what religious denominations they are, or who they were asking, but I was surprised. I remember when I studied Introduction to the New Testament, the Jesuit professor began by telling us how in the Bible you find it all. You find sex, child abuse, war, torture etc…He was rather annoyed that in Church when they read passages some say it is the “Word of God” rather than where the passages are found. I agree. I still flinch. So, when lay people say you find this in the Bible so it is ok to beat your child, it is not. So when you think you can abuse your child and think it is ok, it is not. This post is not going to be a lesson about scriptures. I post my papers and more formality about religion will be provided. Eventually, I will post everything, even if it becomes dated (I will let you know when that is). But my point is that children need to be protected, even if the minister or priest does not mention it. I remember before I began my studies, I was introduced to a Minister by her husband who told her I was going to study Ministry and Spirituality and that I was going to study Pastoral Counselling. She was very bubbly and told me something that I already knew as a layperson that she was either very much in denial or very naive. She said that in her Parish no one had problems. This is why I cannot ever say that I have heard it all. I cannot say that because I always hear something that baffles me completely. I don’t think it will matter how old I get, I shall still be surprised at what people say (I am not complaining. That keeps life interesting. It keeps my grey cells awake). I knew another Minister in the making who always wore the best of designer clothes because her church is very wealthy. Why was I surprised that people donating money and I am not going to say hard earned because I hope it wasn’t, going to designer clothes. I can write a book on that topic alone, but I won’t. When I hear complaints about Ministers or Pastors or Priests, I encourage them to find a Church to their liking. However, living in a city where there are many many churches, I forget that people who live in the country or isolated places do not have that same luxury. There are no choices for some and so they sometimes have to hear the Minister talk what is actually nonsense and some believe that it is the word of God, because Minister or Priest or leader of any religious affiliation is the representative of God. But remember this, whoever that Minister or Priest or Rabbi or who ever he or she is, that person is human and is not God. They have weaknesses as all humans have. They have had a certain life, either good or bad and some of that will rub off on you. Ideally someone going into religious life, is going in for the right reasons. What are the right reasons? I am not obedient, want to be poor or believe that I have to be chaste all my life so I would have never dreamed about being in religious life as a RC. I know of one Minister who was agnostic but needed to feed his family. Who am I to judge? I cannot. I have no idea what it is like to feed an entire family but I do believe that people will do just about anything to feed their families. If we do not eat, we die. The point of all this is that if you have been misled, or upset with a religious leader, this has nothing to do with God. We have free will and that includes impersonating a figure that one wants to be or hopes to be or inspires to be for whatever reason good or bad. So why am I writing about this today? I do not know. I did not intend to write about this today. I wanted to write about couple therapy and this is what I wrote instead. How do you find God in an ungodly world? What do you think? Merry Christmas! (By the way, try reading the New Testament out loud and begin with Mark just to please me. Note the words of Jesus. He was always so annoyed with the religious leaders. Don’t let that sway you in your own faith whatever it may be.

Niagara Falls - A me me day

I have not taken two Saturdays off work in a row since I have begun to work Saturdays. When I was thinking about a retirement job, I actually thought of being a real estate agent. I love looking at houses and their interiors. However, I did not want to work nights or weekends. This was my time. At last weeks conference I was speaking to a therapist from London and when I asked him about his schedule, he said his schedule includes two evenings (from the three he used to work) and Saturdays. I began working Saturdays to accommodate people who simply could not see me at any other times. It has been a very busy month and so I took my day to go to Niagara with no regrets, even though I did think a lot before making that decision. So yesterday I went to Niagara with my own prescription of self - care. I go girl! One woman was late for our bus since she was coming from the middle of no where near Mississauga. While waiting for her, I asked our host if it was ok to run across to the bakery and grab a coffee to go. I wish she had said no. I bought the coffee and chocolate covered cream cone. I would have rather have had something more substantial but there was no such thing in the bakery. I had asked if the cone was made fresh this day and I was informed it was by the young clerk. I should have asked the owner because she normally tells me quite grudgingly whether it is or not. That is why I prefer Italian bakeries. Italians like fresh and not to sell fresh would be insulting to them (now who’s stereotyping? I’m bad!) Needless to say I did not feel too well for most of the day. Our first stop was Niagara on the Lake. I have never been there in the winter. The first thing that happened in the friendly town, was some store clerk coming out and telling our driver to park elsewhere. I guess he was wasn’t looking forward to have a load of customers walk into his store. Now if I was the shop keeper, I would have invited all in personally and then maybe telling them after they had bought so much, that perhaps they should park where it is more convenient for them such as a parking lot. But, what business sense do I have????? Niagara in the Lake or on the Lake, is a favourite spot for many people who I know. I prefer Niagara Falls, but this would be a hot spot for me, if I lived in Niagara Falls. It is a nice stretch of road and I think I could be motivated to cycle there and remain in one piece without being killed by traffic. I really do need to get back in shape. I hear complaints however, from people who know people, who know people, who have moved to Niagara on the Lake area, who come running back to Toronto, because they become bored. I remember after I retired the first time and began my second career, how exciting it was to be bored. I was riding my bicycle around and one man once yelled out from his stopped vehicle at a light stop, asking me if that was all I did all day. His passenger gasped. “Hell no, I drink coffee too! I responded quite graciously. His passenger relaxed. It was not long that I realized that I would have to do more. But it definitely was a nice holiday. So we are in Niagara on the Lake and my buddy, a 95 year old WW11 vet and I stroll into shops where I am hoping to find a Christmas gift for a sibling of mine. All requires personal taste so I am concerned. I see a Starbucks and I am in my glory though my stomach is acting up from a few hours ago of eating the old cream cone and awful coffee I could not finish. Drink water my buddy says and let it go through your system. I always listen to those older and wiser and so I do not get a coffee and have no coffee for the rest of the day. My stomach is crying and I am sure I have been poisoned. Outside of Starbucks there is a small party of people and two dogs. One person hails out to us and so we stop. Now, we only have an hour to explore, but we are polite being from Toronto and all, so we stop and converse, all the while being mindful that more socializing means less time shopping to find that gift I really need by next weekend. Everyone has spent time in the military or knows someone from the military etc….Niagara on the Lake is a nice place to live, we hear, and the dogs love the pool and it is surprisingly cheap. People living there come from everywhere………..After a while, another man and dog joins us and the man is very nice looking. However, we need to leave so we can see at least a few shops. As we are leaving I am asked if my buddy is my father and I respond without realizing that I am being my rude self, that my dad was much younger. All dads should be young so they can skip along the sidewalk and be silly incognito. It teaches you that you can be silly at any age and it is ok. It teaches you that you do not need to be serious all the time, and that it is ok to have silly fun, even if it is skipping down the street with your prim and proper family. As we leave the group, I tell my buddy, that perhaps I am not friendly. Maybe it is true what people say about Torontonians. They were too friendly I cry out. How do you get away from too friendly people if they live next door to you? How do you hide? It is easy in Toronto. If I want people I sit at the front, if I want alone time, I sit in the back. Yes, people come and find me in the back but that is in small samples. With the small group outside Starbucks I defended Toronto. That can become quite tiresome. I say that people from Toronto are friendly. I say that people come from all over to live there and perhaps they are not friendly. Yes people are busy going to and from work and people are busy on their lap tops and etc….but people are friendly unless they are busy going somewhere, are actors trying to be invisible, are people stressed out or just want to be left alone. What is wrong with that??????? “I am not friendly!” I cry out to my buddy at my new discovery. “Do you think they were too friendly?” He asks quite seriously. “Yes.” I respond. I want to shop. I have a week to get organized to host a party and I am no where close to being ready for it. My stomach is still crying. We walk into a bakery shop and I see scones. Real scones are so hard to find and this is as close to it as I have seen in a while. I check out the prices and then see day olds for half the price. I squeeze them and it is the freshest squeeze I have felt in a long time. Now this is fresh and it is really a day old, less than a day I am sure, so I buy a pack. I have very little money on me and this is the last of it, since I did not have time to go to the bank. I was waiting for my office love seat to arrive from Bad Boy all day Friday. It arrived near the end of the day and as the delivery men turned it over, what do I see but “made in China.” I purchase my coveted scones and we leave needing to find our bus. We do not want to stay in Niagara on the Lake where most of the shops are still closed because it is too early. I am looking for the “back Friday” sales and I do not seem to see any. Is it because it is not Friday? Next stop is a wine tasting. I want to buy some wine for my party. However, the wine is all too fruity which they brag about. “If I want fruity, I would buy some fruit juice and pour some alcohol in it.” I say to anyone in my vicinity who may be interested in my friendliness. My stomach is begging me to stop torturing it and is not letting me forget it. I begin to feel myself getting dizzy. How can you get drunk sipping a bit of wine? Others complain about feeling dizzy too so I begin to believe that this is the new normal. You taste fruity wine and you all feel dizzy. I did not buy any wine. I do not want my guests to get dizzy with fruity wine. I decide I do not like the taste of fruity wine, but remind myself that they do make wine with grapes. However, I like the taste of full rich wine that is not sweet and yet not dry. We leave the fruity palace and I eat cheese and crackers our host provided so I do not feel dizzy any more. We head out to the Italian restaurant where we wait a full hour between our soup which was very good to the main course. At least that is what my buddy tells me. He is quite upset about the long wait and then I mention the million dollar reviewer from England who complains if he has to wait. Now I understand why he complains. My now two companions are trying to figure out who the reviewer is and one mistakes him with another who he calls a dog because he finds him so rude. No this guy is not rude, I respond. He does not yell at people nor calls them names. I only watched the “dog” for about five minutes before changing channels. His name fails me. I report that this guy goes around to different cities in different countries and checks out about three restaurants and then picks one to write a review and it is called a million dollar review, because the reviewer is apparently well known according to him and he can make a restaurant completely turn around from being unknown to famous. I think he is a nice guy, not like the “dog” they are talking about. I am trying to understand why they are calling him a dog. I like dogs. They provide unconditional love. Dogs are kind. I encourage them to watch the show, because it gives you a taste of each city. You see some of the scenery and get a good impression of the city. I leave about half of my entire meal and skip the dessert. I drink lots of water and my stomach thanks me. I go to the bathroom and realize that my buddy was right. We are told to rush as our bus is going to leave. My buddy is still eating dessert and drinking his tea. The other companion left before the main course because he was hungry and he had food in the bus. My companion is unconcerned about rushing to the bus because he is still upset, that he had to wait for an hour. That was a discussion in itself. Why does it take an hour if they knew we were coming? All the possibilities were explored. Someone didn’t show up for work etc……. I remind him that TIP is to insure prompt service. One did not tip at all, after all he went to the bus to eat his own food. Why isn’t the tip included in the price? Finally, we get to go to the Casino to watch the ice show. My stomach is beginning to thank me for drinking all that water. Who knew? The show is amazing. I love it. I tell my small audience of buddies that if I lived in Niagara Falls I would go to all these shows. They have great seats and the prices are wonderful. Yes, I could live here in a house with a pool for me and not my dogs (as if I would have a say) and watch all the shows at the casino. When I miss people, I would go to Clifton Hill and look at them. I would have a home office and not need to rent an office. Now that is what I call retirement. I could write my books by the pool after a swim and feed a new Melissa. I would have to cover the pool, so little animals do not drown. Should I or shouldn’t I? That is the question. The show is a success. We are singing with the singers and my buddy tells me that most are not really singing at all, it is a tape. I don’t want to believe that and we have an argument about it as we watch the show which we all love. “I should know” I am a singer, buddy states. “Who cares” I think. My bubble is burst. I want to think that they are all really singing as we sing along with them because we are all quite in the festive season. It is over and my buddy reports the time. I realize that buddy is really conscious of time. Why does time matter when you are 95, me thinks. The show is over and most of the audience is standing. Happiness is contagious and everyone is smiling at one another while some are checking some out. I smile in return because I am from Toronto and I am friendly, as we all are in Toronto. Buddy and I go to the Casino where we get to spend the $10.00 they put on our individual cards. We find a five cent machine, which I thought would last a while and in about a minute my $10.00 is gone. “How did that happen?” The woman at the next machine tells me how it happened and she tells me that she has one hundred in her machine and I am stupid to be playing with only $10.00. She actually said that she is playing with $100. and that I should’t be playing if I do not expect to lose money. She then called me stupid. “Stupid? I reply. “You are the one playing with one hundred dollars. I go to the bank machine because I really do need to buy some gift or other. I am charged 3.00 for getting my money. What will they think of next? Did I ever mention fuel costs for delivery of mail? The woman who called me stupid is watching me and laughing so I go up to her. I ask her how much she had already lost. She tell me she lost 200. so far (on top of the 100 in the machine). I suddenly feel very bad for her. I place my hand on her shoulder and tell her to take care of herself. Buddy is sad too. “Does she use her entire pension to gamble?” They should control that more.” I reply. We generate an entire conversation on how that can be controlled, with cards required to play, with limits recorded ……………. We go shopping. I do not like shopping, but buddy loves it. I am wondering if I will not have a gift for my sibling. How can I let that happen. Then I see it. It is small but good quality and sibling likes quality so I buy it. I cannot reveal what it is in case sibling is reading this. I buy one bottle of wine which I consider good after sampling some more. I also buy a bottle of some coffee cream liqueur which does not taste to shabby. I have bought my stuff and I remark to buddy how much I could have spent if I had 300. to do so. I want to find a restaurant with a view of the falls, buddy being cheap at 95 wants Tim Horton’s. We compromise. There are no seats to view the falls that I care for. What I want is empty but reserved. I am told that they have something better for me. I do not think so because I am from Toronto and am used to being scammed and lied to. So, we go to Tim Horton’s. I have soup with Tea. That is what I have when I am sick. Buddy and I hang out looking at the Christmas trees. I have seen two people I recognized from York University. I see my favourite psychology professor. She is too far for me to reach and she disappears in the crowd. The other, well…… It is time to go. We are not going to go by the falls because Disney did not renew the contract and there is no Mickey Mouse to see. How disappointing that is. Apparently with no Disney, the lights are not anything to look at and now they charge buses $125.00 to look at lights. Surprise, surprise. It is late and we drive back to Toronto. There is a traffic jam. Really???? Then I see it, the car on its’ roof. I say a little prayer for who had been inside. We are back in track and I close my eyes so I do not have to see when I go up the Burlington bridge. Of course it never fails. I open my eyes and we go up the Burlington bridge. We are making good time, but it is still after 9pm when we see the lights of Toronto. I feel a warmth generating inside me. I love my city. It is alive. As I type this, I think, I love New York more. It is more alive. But, I would love a house with a pool near the border so I could afford to shop on the other side. Addiction is a big problem. If you think you have an addiction problem go for help. If you don’t have an addiction problem but those close to you tell you, that you do, ask someone you trust if that is so. If you really don’t think you have an addiction problem, why not appease your close ones by stopping whatever that is. Can you stop? No? Why is that? What do you think?

Why we need a College of Psychotherapy.

Again I have been receiving protesting emails now asking for money to fight the College of Psychotherapy. Not only do I get annoyed by emails I really don't like, such as the newest way to scam me, but I also get emails to advertise for free or at minimal costs to connect my name to some organization or another. I am not going to attach my name to advertise anything in any way to endorse them. Awe ya awe! During a seminar, I heard a representative from a board of an organization, speak out to her audience, that the College of Psychotherapy is only a money opportunity for the government. Yes, it is expensive, however, the public needs to be protected and there needs to be someone to crack knuckles. Also, the board member should keep her biases to herself and only speak out to members with what she knows is facts. It appears now much was known. At the same seminar, I attended a workshop hoping to learn something new about addiction. The speaker from a well respected organization said she also teaches at Ryerson University. Now, she has a Masters degree. However, on her slide which I am sure she provides for her students she has PHD (c), as part of her credentials. In my ethics class, I thought that was a rediculous question. Why would someone not having a PHD indicate that she is a candidate. So she wants to have a Phd, well someone needs to tell her she does not have it, and therefore, you cannot follow it behind your name. A woman at my table was horrified as well. "She may not even be successful." And that is one reason we need a College. Here is a woman who is teaching at a university and her students may think that she is more educated, then she is. If she was with the college, she could be reported and that would come off immediately. In all fairness, she may not even know that it is unethical. That is all I learned from her lecture. I am sure that the slides were for first year students. I learned absolutely nothing at all, besides witnessing something unethical. So, please stop sending me emails for protesting against a College very much needed to protect the public. I support it. I think this is long over do. I would like to see everything registered, so that when people pay big bucks for services, they know someone has their back.

Oh little town of Ferguson. I do not know where you are.

25 Nov 14 I was going to write about my two day conference but as I opened my mail this morning, I see the verdict for the policeman and the town of Ferguson reacting with a mob mentality. Last night as I was watching Dancing With the stars, the show was interrupted to talk about the results of the verdict. I was hoping he would get to the point and let me watch my show, but it did not take long to understand that he was preparing the viewers with the outcome. I felt very sorry for the policeman for what he has gone through and what he is going through. I hope that the police department have their own therapist and that he is seeing him or her at least twice a week. It is not that I do not have compassion for the youth who has died and his family who is grieving. However, this is about the policeman. I am thankful that we are in this century, though I do not think we have advanced emotionally, nor intellectually, as we have electronically. When there is no balance, there is a problem. I saw my own city go mad, with riots in the city and of course the police were blamed. We train police, the best way they can be trained and then we put them in the streets and tell them to make spontaneous decisions, and the correct ones as well as the politically correct ones. We have a legal system in North America and else where, where people are innocent until proven guilty. People because of their own prejudices or sufferings may not like the verdicts. When I was watching the news of my own city spiralling out of control, I was wondering why the newscasters were bashing the police. It was not the police setting their cars on fire or smashing windows. The press has a lot of power and I am very grateful to the press because they are very important in democracy for exposing truths. However, they are also trained to my understanding from previous studies, that instead of a five (numerical scale) output for example, there should be extreme polars to generate interest. At times especially, at small excerpts releases, snap shots are provided and not necessarily full truths. I remember a professor being quite annoyed when a study of fish was compared to the sexuality of humans. I found it amusing, but I also found it misleading for the general public. As I was watching my own city being torn apart because dissidents did not like the political G2 meetings, I kept changing channels so I could focus on what was happening, rather than how they thought the police were performing. I remember some time ago a woman commentating to me that it was expectant of a bus driver to be abused by passengers, that it came with the job. Funny thing about that, I thought we had bus drivers to transport us. I told her that, much to her annoyance. Was I wrong? Are people expected to be abused just because of the nature of their jobs? In the legal system it is important to determine truths by separating facts from fictions. It is much more involved than that but it is about determining what was really happening, leading to a specific act. There are procedures to determine truths. Recently a previous colleague of mine said, “It has gone to the opposite extreme.” I knew what he meant in relations to the political arena of the job he is doing. Times have changed and with times we should progress with changes. People join positions where they protect others for various reasons, but for most, though I am speaking without research, but from experience, most people who join organizations to help others, really want to help people. In cities there is a diffusion of responsibility, where people will wait for others to call the police and they may stand by watching someone be killed. They are not bad people. They just expect someone else to do something. Research has shown that police or other emergency services personnel, off duty, will respond to help more so than anyone in the general public. In small towns or bigger towns but not cities, the general population is more inclined to help. Even a study of theology students rushing to class, ignored someone needing help. I found that amusing too. I find much amusing because I find it all very hypocritical. That in itself is amusing. Now I will share something, since I am on a roll of injustice. It is a story I heard during the weekend that was very painful to the person telling it, however, it was very powerful to me as I heard it. The woman was telling the story of her background. Her mother told her that her own mother was a very devout Catholic and that it was her wish that the speaker would be a nun and her brother a priest. The son was favoured. When her mom became a nun, she chose a feminine version of her brother’s name (notice it was the son who was considered more important and by taking his name, it would put her in par in some way). After 17 years living a cloistered life, she could no longer do it and she left the convent. Her brother who was now a priest and her entire family disowned her. She was excommunicated by the Church as well. She met and married a Jew and adopted his religion. It was when a gossiping woman began telling others that she was not a “real Jew” that she began to notice people from the Synagogue react differently towards hers and always looking at her. She left that as well as it was too difficult for her, not to be accepted. She never told her husband about her background, fearing that he too and his family would abandon her. However, she did tell her daughter. Her daughter told her father after the mom had died. His response was surprise and that he had loved her very much. That would never had made an inkling of difference to him. Such tragedy from abandonment from organized religion (of the time), family and the destructive effects of idle gossip. Where am I going with this? There is so much suffering. There is so much expectations of how others should behave. Why not step back and take another view? Is it possible that when an act is committed either good or bad, that it is innocent? I remember telling a Priest once how hypocritical I found the people going to church to be. He responded quite casually, “Silva, don’t you see, they are the ones who really need to go to Church.” That made so much sense to me. So for you people who enjoy to gossip and stir the pot, you are getting the attention you seem to need, but remember that something you are saying may cause an enormous pain to another to the point where their entire lives can change. Why not take a good look at yourself and ask why you are doing this? Why not embrace someone instead of bashing them? Why not welcome them instead of mocking them? For the policeman in Ferguson who has so much hatred against him, would this had been different if he was a Black American Policeman? It is very difficult to take a life for many, even if it is thought that it is a matter of life or death for oneself or others. From the weekend Conference it was gleaned that American Soldiers return home traumatized by what they have seen or even done. They return home not thinking that they deserve their families. And one of the most devastating experiences for them is losing their belief in God. In couple therapy, what I always need to do first is defuse the personal attacks couples direct at each other. Once the emotional outbursts are diffused, then each can really begin to listen to the other, really listen. Once one can hear, than change is possible. There are really good people out there in the world. They suffer and they say and do terrible things. However, by stepping back, calming down and really examining a situation or cause, one may be able to separate the fact from fiction and really want to know what is truth and how to find it. What do you think?……….. Now I have to go outside and check out the damages from last night’s windstorm.

To the Abused Woman - I am speaking to you

I interned for a year at a Women's Crises Centre, where women were abused emotionally, physically, financially and sexually. This message is to you, the abused woman. Men, I know that you are abused in the same way and that you have the additional burden of being a man and people still have a problem acknowledging you as a victim or survivor. However, today I am speaking to the abused woman....... I know that your husband gets upset when you speak to the neighbours or anyone else even casually and that is why, you only do so when he is not around. When he is not around you feel safe. Think about that. You feel safe to be yourself when he is absent. I know that you feel free to open the blinds of your home when he is not there. You feel free to go out when he is not there. How did this happen to you? You ask yourself this when he is not around. How did you, coming from a good family with a close relationship with your sibling let this happen to you? I have written about the honeymoon effect. Find it in an earlier blog. Now ask yourself something? Why are so afraid of being yourself? When did it happen, that you realized he had so much control over you? What is worse, the abuse or the shame of thinking you have failed at marriage? I shall let you know something. No one has the right to treat you badly. Love between a man and woman can be very beautiful and you are beautiful, though he may have convinced you now, that you are not. You are young and beautiful with a whole life in front of you. Your husband is a bully, because he can be. He gets away with it, and he convinces you that it is you and not him. It is you that makes him angry. Right! That is the pattern. Don't believe it. He is surrounded by people who support him, he says. Women are not taken seriously in society. Don't believe it. He is projecting his views on you. It is he, who thinks it is oky to trample on women or anyone else that he can. Where is your support? Slowly, he removed all your support. Your sibling is stupid and rediculous and you have your own family now.........Your friend is an idiot and you should not see her anymore. All these people turn you against me. When did you let him take full control over you? What can you do? You live in a country where this is not tolerated. There have been changes in the law so that you can get the protection you need. You do have a voice, an equal voice to the man you married, but somehow you have forgotten that. I am writing to you today to tell you that you have a choice. You can leave the abuse. Let others who he wants you to stay away from, help you. Tell someone. It is not your shame, it is his. His threats have control over you but not the legal system, or support systems in place. You are young and life is so short. Find the joy in being yourself. Find the joy of being loved in a healthy supportive way. Feel alive when you wake up with the joy of life. It is your choice - remember that. What do you think?

Ethics and marketers - A big business at the cost of who?

There is a market for everything, so I do not know why I am surprised that there is a marketing process for therapists as well. I am contacted by a variety of advertisement opportunities. I am contacted for free suppers where I soon see that it is to recommend a spa like rehab facility to the States at quite a cost, etc.... Recently I was contacted for radio. I was not interested. The caller named off some celebrity shows and I recognized one American court room show or was it two? The area code of the caller was from Ottawa. Would I like to be on radio? “No, but thank you.” I keep repeating that phrase throughout the marketing scheme. At least I think it is. Then it comes. “Don’t you want to advertise?” “I do ok.” I respond. “Is this marketing?” I ask. I am assured that it is not marketing, however, I would be a client. I was right, me thinks……. So this morning as I was taking time out with my morning coffee, I was wondering what I should write in todays weekly blog. Should I write that indeed I had to buy the light bulbs made in China at Home Depot and that surprise surprise the bulbs were miniature though the box exterior had big bulbs depicted? Now they are on my tree and around the fireplace and I am where I have started. I need big bulbs, so now what? Do I have to open the boxes, like a woman was doing to see what was inside? No, I will not do that, but I will return them in future. Why did I not this time? Because of time? Do I write that Christmas is approaching and there are people out there who find Christmas so sad that they cannot stand to be alive? If that is you, please get help. Why give up? I assure you that there is help. Do I talk about pedophiles and creepy men who prey on young girls and boys on the internet? Do I write about one of my seminars? There is so much to write about, but ethics is on my mind. The college is on my mind. If I ever ever ever go on any type of show, it would be because I want to. It would not because I want to reach a target for hundreds of clients, for more money. It would be for something good for people. Now I know that I would be prepared for my own questions. This has been a bit disappointing. I suppose all this marketing is because clients are not covered by OHIP. With the amount of sadness out there and how it effects the health of people, that is too bad. Maybe because this is my third career I can examine this from an ethical perspective very clearly. This was certainly not on any exam question or was it? I cannot advertise endorsements. I was surprised that there was such a question, but why? I cannot accept a fee for referring. Too bad physicians do. Where are their ethics? So if there are marketers out there reading my blogs, do me a favour. Don’t ask me out to fine dining so I will maybe recommend your spa to a client. Don’t ask me to go on a radio show with pre questions so, God forbid, I not embarrass my self with something thrown at me. If I could be that easily in discomfort perhaps I should not be on radio?????? Don’t contact me to spend more of my money to advertise with you. I advertise in the community paper once a month, because it is in my community. I am on the web. I drop off my cards with Specialist spelled wrong because I have one thousand cards. This is my retirement career. I do this because I want to. I pace myself so I can be the best I can be, so I can best help my clients and remain happy myself. I have a fee of 100. a fifty minute session, when I can charge much more if the economy can bare it and it can. This fee is affordable for people even if they see me less. So, please stop calling me or coming to see me. In other words, don’t contact me, I’ll contact you. I would love to be able to put these people out of business with hefty fines for misrepresentation. Maybe with time and enough exploitation someone will consider this unethical and do something about it. I am not going to send anyone to a spa. Clients should always pick their own locations. Recommendations should always be based on the quality of care and not aesthetics. Care for clients should never be a profit scheme. What do you think? Coming soon, a two day seminar with the Ontario branch of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists - my home.

After the Affair

I finally completed reading, "After the Affair" by Dr Janis Abrahms Spring & Michael Spring. I had attended one of her conferences in the past. Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. Does having an affair mean the marriage or relationship is over? No. I remember a fellow undergrad whose interest was in this area and she provided me with a copy of her paper. I was interested. I did read things that surprised me then. I miss those days where everyone was so eager to learn in their different streams and of course because of our learning we were always striving to learn more. I have matured and the eagerness has become a more down to earth maturity with knowledge. I can never know enough. Therefore, I am responsible to keep learning to benefit myself and my clients. There was a time when I would only read to learn and develop myself. Now I read for pleasure as well. I know that it is only a matter of time when I will write my own book about therapy, but for now, I shall indulge in fiction. I shall soon return to my third book when I have completed all my endless paperwork. It will be strictly fictional and then I have an idea for one more fiction. After that I will write about therapy. Til then........... For those of you having an affair out there, maybe you too should pick up this book. People who may not be happy in their marriages may seek an escape whether it is an affair, spending time in the garage or elsewhere, from the partner. Maybe it is time for you to seek help. For people who have had their partners cheat on them, this is a good book for you to look to for some answers as some of this may apply to you. It takes two to work on a relationship. We cannot change other people but we can change ourselves and that has a domino effect. If you are thinking of divorcing, why not think about giving your relationship a good try first. After all, if you committed to yourself, why not give your marriage a chance by looking at yourself and the relationship. What are you willing to give up to please your partner? What is your partner willing to change to please you? How was your relationship, when you first met? How is it now? When did things change? Now, what can you do to get that love for your partner back? The first step is letting go your affair. That is your escape and perhaps it is time to face what you have in your life and make informed decisions. What do you think?

Made in China. No thank you!

It has been a busy month and with Christmas fast approaching it does not appear to me that it will slow down. However, I always manage to balance my life and being content like a Persian cat is my motto. I am looking forward to hosting an annual cousins Christmas get together. Did I mention I love parties and gatherings? I tried to see if I could get a vegetarian platter at Costco’s - no such luck. They would remove the meat, they said, but I did not actually want meat removed. A friend of mine, a very proud Jew, who after her last celebration told me how she finally found someone who could cater wonderfully, invited me the day after to help her eat some of the left overs. She also gave me a doggy bag to bring home and I will return the favour some day. Maybe it will be after my own celebration of having some family. Maybe I will ask for the phone number of her service. Maybe I will just breakdown and make a tea like event by buying loads of bread, cutting the edges and slicing them into squares. First I will magically produce an array of cream and cucumbers, tuna, salmon (I still eat some fish if it does not look at me). I love high tea and so why not? Of course there will be cheese, fruit, wine etc……..I love life. Now back to China. But first I want to let you know that I have attended more conferences and have one more this month which will stretch to two days and then of course after all that networking, getting up to date with my professional development, I will head off to my favourite place in Ontario, Niagara Falls to catch the Ice Show, buy some home grown wine and just enjoy life in my free country. Now back to China. Oh yes, I will talk about my conferences. There was some actual research done concerning psychotherapy and spirituality right here in my home town. I personally thought it was a very small sample and could of been done better but it is a start and some research is better than no research. Now back to China. Oh, before I begin with China, there is a group of people really upset about the College of Psychotherapy, who I am still waiting patiently to open office, even if it is going to take more money from my pocket. If you are not qualified, no more taking money from people who have no clue what qualifications are required to provide psychotherapy. I am excited that the government has awaken and become concerned that people are in practice with no qualifications. So, I don’t know why I keep getting emails from organizations who think they can continue this, because I support protecting the public. Sorry, Guys. I am on the side of protecting people; that is why I chose my professions. Back to school for you, so you can earn those big bucks. Now back to China. Oooops, did I mention that I will be bringing you up to date with what I have been learning? I will in due time. Now, really, back to China. I was watching the news (as I normally do) where my Prime Minister was in China making deals with China. Now they can work out finances in Chinese currency. I think they have some sort of billion or billions Chinese deal. In the same news cast, the reporters (this is the kind of reporting I like) were filming crosses from buildings being toppled (of course it is because they are not up to code. (Is a cross ever up to code in China?) You could tell the Prime Minister wasn’t happy about this but is very polite about it because we are a polite society. Then the film continues with a large group of people standing on what appears to be a massive Church. They are on the front steps protecting their Church. The next frame is the entire destruction of the Church. It is in shambles. You have to love those communist countries who think we are so stupid. I guess the Church wasn’t built to code either. Then reporters, being the inquisitive creatures that they are at stirring the pot, ask their questions, but you can only hear the answer and a business man who is probably there with our Prime Minister to make deals and shake hands with the ……….tells us all, that it is their country and they should be able to do what they want in their own country. Now, there was a caption with a name for everyone else talking but not this arrogant business man. Why is that? I am very disappointed about that because I would certainly buy no product from who ever he is representing. I am normally the first to have my Christmas decorations up. After Hallowe’en I begin slowly. Last year I realized I needed more lights for the outside. I was slowly building up a nice glow outside and enjoyed it when people would stop to look. However, last year I realized that my front lawn needed much more and had planned to buy more. It got so cold that I decided to wait. So this year, I have my tree up and realize that I would like a much bigger and wider tree, however, this is all that would fit in my car and that was no easy task. The salesman from Rona actually shoved it in my passenger seat. I don’t have a big car. I have a very very little car who is old enough to vote. Do they vote in China? So, while my car is still alive or until I make more money my little car and little tree will have to do. However, I need the lights, so I drove off to Costco in my little car who is rusting away as I drive him. I visit the Christmas lights section and I notice it is all made in China. All I see, is crosses being toppled and one big church being toppled and hey did I mention the Canadians they arrested for being spies. What did they do, pay for a cross???? Hey, maybe they had a cross in the coffee shop? Hey, maybe they are Jews or Christians or whatever and that makes them spies? Anyhow, I put the Christmas lights back on the counter. What saved Costco was that they were selling stuff made in Italy, Portugal and my neighbours USA. So, I bought a nice towel made in the USA. At least that feeds some Americans that are provided with work. I ask a man who looks important because he is talking at a group of employees if they have anything in the Christmas bulbs department not made in China. Nope, he does not. So, I have made my point. I buy my Italian coffee which is 6.00 cheaper there and that alone covers my member ship fees. And I buy more stuff that I need but apparently cannot recall what that is, because it is two whole days ago, and I go to the check out. There is a Costco employee around who I have a conversation with. I tell him about my disappointment about not being able to buy Christmas lights which was my motive for going there. I will now have to look more. “Good luck with that. I bought a Canadian flag as a souvenir for someone and it is made in Taiwan. Can you believe that?” I respond, “I thought they were going to stop that?” Now as I type away, I remember that the flag outside my pole is made in China. I nod at the guy and remember that I too had picked a colourful souvenir which I thought was cute. However, when I saw where it was made, I put it back on the shelf. So, after I get sorted out today, I will go to Home Depot and look for Christmas lights and this time, I will have to buy them regardless of where they are made, because if I cannot find any not made in China, anywhere than it is only China or nothing shining outside. “ Hey, didn’t Canada make a deal with China worth billions?” the Canadian man at Costco continued. I nodded. “If we can’t find anything made in Canada now, what will this mean?” I hum in agreement. “Look at the people out east. They have no jobs.” I agree, “I know and they come here to find work, and they can’t.” I leave Costco feeling concerned that our own people have no work, while people in Communist countries or exploited countries are working cheap with cheap products. I am concerned that big corporation representatives think it is oky that countries have the right to hurt their people because it provides them with more money that they will ever need. I see Churches being destroyed and people being arrested for little reason. I see Corporations merging and becoming more powerful and I become concerned that perhaps our own politicians will be replaced or owned by Corporations. However, I see hope in our future. I see youth with a social conscious. I see a youth with a growing concern for humanity. I see a promise to make our global village more habitual for everyone. I see a world where people are free to choose if they want to believe in a God or not. I see people who can once again breathe fresh air. I see a world where there is no starvation. I see a world where people are accountable for their actions. I see a world where dictatorship belongs only in history. When I see a fresh young face, I see hope. What do you think?

York University Book Sale, "Hey Guy Buy Me"

Yesterday I went to another conference. I must admit I am getting a tad tired. I will talk about that one in the next blog. My book sale at York University was fun. I got to see many people, I have not seen in a while. As soon as I entered Central Square, I was greeted by someone I know but have not seen in a year (I go to York once a year) and he immediately told me about the pancake sale for the United Way and treated me to the most delicious pancake I have ever had. When I lined up, there was all the brass from York serving and the Chef asked if I would prefer a pancake from the Chef? Did I have to be asked twice? Nope! He did not fail me. It was huge, and buttery and fluffy. I coated it with whip cream and some syrup and decorated it with a cherry. Oooooh good. I am surprised to find a Chef at the Cafeteria but I do believe he is a chef. If he can create anything else close to his pancake, than I am sold. I wish I could afford my own chef, cleaner, gardener ………dreaming……….. I did sell more books this year than the year before which is pretty good for me. Again, I was asked if I had written another. “Yes.” I replied to the tall older man. “It will be out by the next showcase.” It is a good thing that I wrote another book. I have a tough crowd. “Is it going to be the same?” he asked. “No, It’s different.” I replied. One student looked my book over very carefully. “What I like about your book is that it is easy to read.” “Yup” I replied. “I want everyone to be able to read it. Just like Harry Potter.” My old colleague who saw me was sitting with me and that started a chuckle.” The tall handsome student left and returned in a little while. “May I buy your book?” he asked politely. “Yes, you may.” I responded just as politely. I hope he likes it. It has cartoons. The day passed quickly. I had brought my Hallowe’en candies and this was a first that the students did not make them vanish in five minutes. What has happened to the students? Have they lost their sweet tooth? “Why do the students seem more serious this year?” I asked out loud for anyone to respond. “Because their tuition went up.” The woman at the next table responded. Tuition became the topic ( I am still paying off tuition expenses from going to the University of Toronto). I was pleased being in my element. I love Universities. I enjoyed talking to the students, staff and seeing old profs and colleagues. Each year that I go there, it is as if I have never left. “Why don’t you come more often. I like seeing you." Yup, it was like going home for an annual visit. And the pancakes……….sooooo gooood.

"Hey Guy Buy Me" will be at Showcase York University, Central Square.

Time is going so fast for me. I try to put the brakes on but life just speeds. I will be selling my book, "Hey Guy Buy Me" at Central Square, York University this coming Tuesday from 0900 to 4pm. Why not stop by and say hello and better still, buy a book. My second one is still with the publisher and it will be ready for my spring sales. Remember, I wrote this one for fun. So come and say hello. If I know you, bring me a coffee and donut. If I do not know you, just buy the book. I am bringing some Hallowe'en candies, because this year I had less than half of the people I had last year (rain and cold). No dogs trick or treating this year either. No teens (delightful) either. Still adults trying to grab handfuls of candy, though their kids would take only one. Now, the kids need to train the adults. There is hope in our future after all. I enjoy going to York once a year, whether I need to or not. I really loved using a York University binder when I was going to the University of Toronto. I loved both schools for different reasons. Both gave me a wonderful education. Both gave me friends for life. So, I hope to see you soon. Silva

Funeral for Patrice Vincent

I sit here and watch the funeral for a man of 28 years of service to his country who was run over by a car by a recruit of terrorism. I feel bad for this man who will never be able to retire. I feel pain for his mother. But I also feel sorry for the family of the one who slayed. It is wonderful how we have all attended the funeral even though it maybe by a television screen. I see our strength as Canadians as we grieve as a country. I see our strength as a country who can unite in sympathy and compassion. We are a great country. We are a free country. And that is how it will remain.

New Mayor For Toronto

This should be an interesting four years. Our riding voted for Ford. As I walked to the voting poll I was stopped by a neighbour and asked who I was going to vote for and I said Ford. It was not an easy decision. My neighbour no longer embarrassed of who he had voted for began talking about why he voted for Ford. "Subways, we need subways. We have needed them for a long time." "Yes, I agreed." "What is the problem? Even if they do a few stops every few years to make it more cost effective." I nodded. "He took off that rediculous tax." Yes, I thought. I also thought of the cost of 5cents for each bag he relieved us of. If only he would go to charm school so he could play nice, I thought. Last night I heard a professor on the news speak about the marginalized voting for the Fords. Apparently we have 300,000 poor people living in Toronto. Did 300,000 people who are poor vote? I do not think so. So where did the votes come from. I will be watching this Mayor very closely. It is the first time he has won any election. Would he have won if the people of Toronto didn't want to get rid of a Ford? That is the question. It was difficult for me this time and I had not decided who to vote for until one week before. I don't care for name calling or bullies. HOwever, the day I decided to vote for Ford, I wrote this pasted underneath for my blog. The elections I don’t remember a time when I followed an election so closely in deciding who to vote for. I recall the Jimmy Kimmel show (I hope I spelled it right) saying if the people of Toronto voted for Rob Ford, what does it say for the rest of the politicians in Toronto, or words to that effect. It was said jokingly and I took it that way. However, jokes have a way at tugging at the truth. Why did we vote for Rob Ford? I recall how I was teased at times at the beginning and at other times, people became downright rude after asking who I was going to vote for and I said Rob Ford. When did it happen that people were suddenly chastised for who they voted for in a democratic society? However, Rob’s years in politics was an eye opener for me. It had me examine my city in a new way. I saw reporters who I have always respected turn into paparazzi. Where was the professionalism I had grown to see? I saw politicians cut and bite into each other like self absorbing bullies in grade school. I saw a gang style mentality living in the political world. I also saw a business man doing his best regardless of his addictions controlling much wasteful spending from spoiled politicians. I remember when council had to buy their own coffees and one politician knowing that the news camera was on her complained about how time was wasted because she had to get her own coffee. Really? We did get some of our taxes back and we could stop paying for grocery bags. There was a lot done in the four years that Rob was Mayor. What I found most touching was when we had our electricity go out, it was the dethroned Rob Ford out there for the people of Toronto, not the stand-in. And, when Rob Ford became sick with cancer, I continued to see the ugly side of people with a constant attack. I have been following this election very closely and I watch as candidates attack each other relentlessly. Though my major was psychology, in my first year I had to study general courses. We were informed that it would broaden our perspectives and they were right. I studied analytical thinking and another course was analytical writing. That is exactly what some high school teens were doing when they were watching some bantering between the politicians in the debate. They had to eliminate what is fallacious to determine what each candidate was promising. I was quite entertained and inspired by these young people who are our future. There is promise for more possibilities. However for now, if we can focus on what we think is important in alignment with the candidates than that is what can be a factor in how we vote. What is important for me regarding how I vision my city? I have lived here for most of my life. I have watched my city grow in population. However, our infrastructure is outdated and with global warming, I know that we will get a wake up call. We have too many cars and I have to admit I detest taking the city transportation system and avoid it. I know we need subways. We need it bad. We need business women and men politicians who know what budget means. We need someone with vision to move our city into the 21st century. We need politicians who do not make whimsical promises because there are no repercussions. We need to be able to make our own decisions and vote and not be afraid of what our peers think. Today I made up my mind. My priority is subways and continuation of curbing wasteful spending. I have seen that happen and so today I contacted my choice to erect a sign on my lawn (the sign was never placed on my lawn). Take that! I love living in a democratic society. Let’s keep it that way and respect the choices we each make. That is what makes our country great.

Terror attack failed to stop us from moving on. Thank you Prime Minister for your leadership and thanks to the allied support.

We have had two days within three where homegrown terrorists killed two of our soldiers. Both were put down. The acts were those of cowards. But unfortuntely they are just unhappy pawns from a bigger picture of those those full of hatred who prey on the discontent. Running people down with a car is probably as low as it can get and shooting a man unarmed standing over the tomb of the unknown soldier is quite sad. But the missions failed. There is no terror, only sadness for two soldiers and their families. I was moved hearing our Prime Minister speak as well as the NDP Opposition Leader last night. Even our Premier who I did not vote for impressed me. I saw politicians come together as the Canadians that we are in support for our country. I thank the USA for standing by us and perhaps others should learn how to get along with their neighbours. Of course England and others supporting us is very warming. This is a funeral not only for the falmilies of the fallen soldiers but for all of us. Thank you to the world. How unfortunate that there is such driving hate and more so that they think God would ever endorse such hatred. God is not the one about hate. Evil is in the guise of hatred. My sympathies are to all the families who are suffering.

Senior Fair was successful

I attended the fair which was an education fair for seniors. I spent most of my time getting coffee from the funeral services exhibit because there was free coffee, water and hand clenser. I told them that I was their best customer which caused a good chuckle from the previous somber appearance. Since I am still alive and relatively healthy, I am not a real customer, am I? Coffee was great! Lunch was provided and healthy with the veggie option of cheese in a bun. There was a salad, yogart and a choice of orange or apple. I had an apple the day before with my slices of veggie pizza. Holistic was the theme of the day and I must admit I was troubled about food choices suggested to promote youthful skin, avoidance of aging spots etc......As I looked around the room at all the wrinkles among the group where the medium age may be 75, I thought that promoting youth rather than embracing maturity was a tad disappointing. There was also a strong promotion for messauges. At some point it was suggested as a possible replacement of medication as was the holistic medicine. There was no mention that if you are taking medication and you take anything that is holistic you should inform your doctor. There was nothing mentioned that before stopping a prescribed medication to replace it with what is considered natural, consult with your doctor. None of that was mentioned because there was a negativity associated with medicine. No one even mentioned their qualifications and that spoke volumes. So yes, the fair was successful because it brought a community together and treats were provided. It was successful because the importance of nutrition was explained. However, if you believe that natural products are better than scientifically tested medicine, ensure that anything you digest as an effect. Check with your doctor!

Seminar at Sunnybrook, Dr Koenig from the University of Duke, USA. What a guy!

Yesterday was a fun day for me as I met up with some peers and listened to another speaker. Dr Harold Koenig is “the co-founder and Director of Duke University’s Center for Spirituality, Theology and Health in Durham, North Carolina. He serves on the faculty at Duke as Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences and Associate Professor of Medicine.” He has published more than 40 books and has peer reviewed approx. 400 articles. I wished more of my profs were like him. He was funny, inspiring and looking for us Canadians to go South to do research with also the promise of scholarship. And why not? We have not kept up with our own research here at home. I don’t like research myself. I think it is extremely important but I also think that my own boring experience with statistics and research methods in undergrad was a good indication of why I did not like it so much. Our courses was more of how to get rid of students and force them into social science rather than let me turn you into a great researcher, it is very easy and it is really needed in the area of religion and spirituality up here in Canada. If you like, why don’t you come down here and I will train you, but you need to show potential. Potential? Yup, I got lots more than that! I am a potential in progress. Yes, sir, I am. This was the second American speaker in a month and I loved his style. Today he is back in the States seeing his patients as a medical doctor. I am impressed. “Where does he get his energy?” I remarked to colleagues. He was talking all day and never took a break. I always leave people alone when we are given breaks because I think they need them too. But this guy was like the ever ready battery that does not stop. “He’s American. They are all like that. They have an abundance of energy that does not quit.” My colleague responded. I looked at him to see if he was joking, but he wasn’t smiling. He was serious? Do Americans have more energy than Canadians? Better rephrase that. Do Professors of Psychiatry at Duke University have more energy than Professors at ……………? Wait, how are we going to measure that? Rephrase again. Naw. I do not have enough energy and I need to get ready for another event. Plus I have an enduring cold that will not go away. I don’t normally impress easily but Dr Koenig impressed me with his kindness, passion and humour. He has lots of it. He also suffers from chronic pain. He is the second physician that I know of who suffers and is such an amazing healer. The morning was spent with the results of his research. In a nut shell people who are depressed and are religious fare better, live longer and are heavier than people who are not religious. These are people who are seriously ill. This did not apply to people who identify themselves as spiritual. I am not doing the research justice and I have to admit I was surprised by the findings. I remember from undergrad and other seminars that controlled studies where people in hospital were prayed for by a group without their awareness became better more than the control group who were not prayed for. This has been repeated with the same results. I had to wonder why we in Canada are not doing more of this kind of research especially since there is always money in research. The closest I came to research was my grad research proposal. I required a research course for my Masters. I did that at the University of Guelph which was not accepted on my list of courses at U of T. That is annoying because sometimes I forget to submit it as part of my Masters qualification. However, I had more courses than I required. I remember that all my text books in psychology were American and I inquired about this. We just didn’t have enough of us wanting to write the books. That has changed as I see the authors of some psych books who I recognized as profs. We have a lot of talent in Canada so do research and write books. Hey, you can go South. They have lots of scholarships. I am still paying for my years after undergrad. But, I am not complaining. We do have a good education here and that is why people, down under like us. We need to maintain that quality and not think quantity. So for more information about Dr Koenig check out http://www.spiritualityandhealth.duke.edu/. The afternoon was mostly about research and that I had already studied to death but I stayed because of the company. Refresher never hurts. I also felt I was rather living a pampered life having a private practice. I don’t work in prisons, nor do I work with the criminally insane so I feel that I am relatively safe in my work with others. Not, that I have anything against prisoners nor the criminally insane. But, my interest is in emergency response workers. Someone needs to care for those who care for others. Someone needs to care for those who do the work that no one else can.

Sex Addiction seminar and FSNA meeting

It is going to be a busy week. Last night I attended and dined at a really good Italian Restaurant where I heard a speaker and author of "Ashamed No More, A Pastor's Journey Through Sex Addiction" by T.C. Ryan (2012) speak about his journey and recovery. I was impressed by the addiction counsellors in attendance who had fought their own battles and can now help others. I connected with other addiction counsellors and left satisfied with the connections I had made. I haven't had a chance to read his book but I am looking forward to it. I am still reading Divorce Busters in tiny portions. Today I went to the Federal Retirees meeting and was treated to a nice lunch. Keep this up and I will save on eating costs (but not parking). To all retired Federal employees this is a good Association to belong to. I volunteer as a Health Benefits Assistant. There is only so long you can belong to an association before they grab you, but it helps me keep in touch with what our benefits are. This week is a learning experience and I am only seeing clients one day due to all the fairs, seminars, lectures etc....I will have one day of rest and another of more rest. I shall keep you briefed of anything new. For those of you who suffer from Sex addiction, if what he talked about is anything close to his book, I suggest you pick up a copy. Maybe it is time for you to move on from shame and get the help you need. You are not alone. One book he said made him aware that he was not alone was "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick............He identified with what Patrick wrote. Though my interest is not addictions, it has become more of a concern in conjunction with other conditions. It is never too late or too early to talk to someone about addiction.

Professor Carol Yawney ( Published)

Recently I read about your death. Cancer is all it explained. It mentioned that you had lived up North. It talked about you being an expert. Did it talk about your awards? Perhaps it did not know. And then it had an opening for me to seek more information, it said. I pressed my finger on the appropriate key, your image wiped away as swift as the exclamation of your death. I typed to an unknown face that you had been my favourite professor, an anthropologist you were and though that was not my discipline, if I had been younger I would have gladly changed my major to study and work under your direction. I asked whom I could send a sympathy card to. Yesterday I realized I had received a reply from the unknown face who expressed appreciation at my kind words. Perhaps I could offer a small contribution to a scholarship in her name once it was set up. There was no one…..to send a sympathy card to it said. Of course I replied. I would contribute in her memory. Please notify me when it is completed. I continued with my work. There is no one. When I drove home last night, your smiling happy face lit up the road before me. There is no one….. This morning I awoke to study for an exam for my own major… It is the statistics part of my major, which I left for last. I have no interest in raw data and numerous numbers. But it is a must. I went into my small kitchen that I have decorated so elegantly and looked out at my back yard. I inhaled the beauty of nature as I appreciated the trees I have planted and nurtured. I wanted a little park in my back yard and perhaps in my front yard. A place in the city to call home, a place to prepare for my old age when perhaps I can not go too far; a place to feel beauty. And then it happened, tears……"There is no one", no one… How can there be no one? There is everyone…for you have touch so many. You were my favourite professor. Why? You loved us. Love is felt. You taught us about medicine, young and ancient, but you also taught us about ourselves. Remember when I emailed you about going downtown to interview some people about a paper I was compiling? "You did what?" your words shouted. "What is your phone number?" you continued. You will never call me, I hoped. You lived so far up North. You did call and you went on and on about how I represented the university and the repercussions of interviewing without the proper protocol etc….but I got my A anyway, didn't I? Oh, yes you did work us, but why did it not seem like work? There is no one…. You know, we used to talk about you. We knew you lived and studied in Jamaica for many years and we talked about how you must have fallen in love and never married because you still yearned for him. How silly we were, were we not? We did marvel when you spoke of your home up North in the middle of no where, making sure your garbage was sealed so the bears would not get in. You spoke fondly of the people up there and the children. I am sure you mentioned children. There is no one… Remember when I asked you about the books you have written. You shrugged it off and said we would find it boring. And remember when we didn't have you for one class because you had to go to the States to receive an award? You again shrugged it off. The only thing you did not shrug off was us. There is no one…. Remember when you saw me speaking to a staff member one day and you looked at him and said, "She is not what she appears. She is a student." You continued on your way with that flair of yours. There is no one…. Remember when there was that strike with the TA's and we came to class? There were six of us. You asked why we were there? You informed us that we were the university, you as faculty and we as students and then there was them, the administration. There is no one… Oh, Professor Yawney I am so sorry that you died. You gave so much of your self. As I shed my tears, I shed too for the students you will no longer be able to touch. But I know that if there is another place, you will be there smiling and laughing with the joy of another life, for you to grow and touch again. You were so special and humble. And yes we know that you had many friends and people close to you because you told us. There is no one? Of course there is. There is everyone. Silva Redigonda Your student

This is to all veterans and emergency response personnel. If you are feeling suicidal, please remember that if you can get over this hump, you will look back and know that would not have been the right decision. You can overcome this overwhelming emotional turmoil.

Yesterday was a day off and I went to watch a movie after doing what I call domestic duties, such as banking, mail, etc.... It was my brain rest. When I returned I received a phone call which had me reflecting this morning. It has nothing to do with what I am going to talk about here, but it is an analogy of sorts. Too many police, military, etc..... have no one to talk to. Things happen and slowly it builds up. With some of you family is enough of support and family is at times not enough. With others, you do not want your name affiliated with any insurance company as going for help. So where do you go? Where do you go where your identity and not only your information is kept Confidential. You do not want your peers to know, because you do not want to be rediculed or considered weak. You do not want your work to know because you do not want to be considered a risk. So where do you go? You let this build up and fester and no one understands. You open your mouth and it is used against you. I know there are many loops for you to get around to get the help you need. I do have to report by law if you are going to kill yourself. But I have to believe that you will really kill yourself. If you are going for help, and writing up a contract that you will promise not to kill yourself, then I will believe you and will work with you. If you are going to tell me that you are going to hurt someone, then I have a duty to report. However, I also know that at times people say things they don't really mean, because they are hurting. If you are hurting children, I will report that. I have an obligation to protect them. However, perhaps it is time to report that and get some help in that area as well. So, before you look for a final exit. Stop! Give yourself a break. Your identity will be protected. Give me a chance to work with you so you can get back on your feet and look at other choices. Why not choose to live? What do you think?

Conference etc................

It has been a busy week. The conference was very interesting. I spent a lot of time with Revenue Canada HST, first at the booth asking a hundred questions and then I attended the poor man’s seminar. He was so sweet and patient. Not everyone shared my enthusiasm and I noticed that the seminar room was the smallest room. Am I the only one paying my taxes? My day was learning the business side of the house for both my books and psychotherapy. I had lunch at the hotel next door (since there was no more food, by the time I got out of the seminar), looking upwards at a hawk, searching for prey. At one point I thought she got lucky as she hovered suspended in the sky, her bold neck strong as her head surveyed the grassland below. This was my time out during the day, as people nodded coming in and out of the hotel outside patio, where I was the sole patron. I did miss the last two sessions after determining that beating the rush hour back to Toronto was more beneficial than attending something that was not really of use to me. Do I really want to start another business? No! But………no! I have only so much energy. I also consulted for a student during the week, who wanted to proceed to the Advance step of her studies. It was nice seeing my mentor again. After that I met a friend of mine for lunch since he lives in the East side of Toronto, where I rarely venture to. We spent a lot of time catching up, at an outside patio, me munching on a Veggie Burger with Onion rings. Awe, onion rings! My friend is legally blind. He told me about a woman trying to get him to sign something and showed me the brochure she had given him. “I have my white cane. She knows I am blind and yet she is trying to get me to sign up for whatever this is.” I read the brochure which promoted some Asian relaxation art. I don’t think the experience was too relaxing for him. I feel bad for my good old friend who I once was romantically interested in him, for about five minutes. He laughs when I share this with him. His blindness is recent. It was nice catching up, complaining, laughing and being with a trusted friend. My closest friends and more enduring relationships have always been men. They taught me how to deal with other men, since I was a child. I have been so fortunate that what I have always taken for granted as not been the experience for everyone. Yesterday, my body said no more and so I rested. I did absolutely nothing. No guilty pleasure there. I make it my priority to self care. I cannot help anyone, if I am not in tip top shape. I re-energized and today I am myself again. Tomorrow, I am having a full day of lots of fun. Yes! So how can you relate with what I wrote today? I have had one course in business in grade nine of high school. What bored me to death in that one course has served me well in how I record for taxes and business in general. What I take for granted is not that easy for everyone. So, if anyone is reading this who is a teenager, that course you take and complain about why you have to take it and you will never use it, you just may. Remember you need a balance in life. Working (and not scamming others) hard has its benefits but you need to spend time with friends and you need to have time for playing. Try not to tip the scales. Do you think you are working too hard? What is your body telling you? Are you bored to tears? Are you motivated by money alone? What have you ever done for someone else? What do you do for yourself? Where do you find your peace? I find mine in nature every morning when I sit in the back deck and communicate with God, the trees, squirrels and my pets. I love nature in a city, which can be quite fast paced. If you do not have that comfort, perhaps you can find comfort and peace by looking at a tranquil picture, by closing your eyes and focusing on your breathing, by sharing a precious moment with your partner, by spending time in a park, by laying on the grass and looking up at the sky. If you believe in a God, or higher power, why not have a conversation? What do you see, when you look up? What do you think?

Word on the Street was fun

Sunday was a beautiful day though it started a bit rough. First, I slept in, when I rarely do and my pets did not wake me. My boy is quite angry at me and shows his disproval by not cuddling with me, letting me kiss him nor waking me up, which is his job. It was pouring rain when I rushed out - so much for my hair. Traffic is good early morning but could I find parking? Of course not. The hospital parking was closed for the weekend. That is a first. So, I ended up detouring via the construction to my old campus parking lot. Of course they are trying to save money so I had to go to the building a block away to get my parking pass for the day. I had already dropped off my books by then to find my table and chair soaking wet. I decided I was starting to get a tad stressed so I did some therapy on my self and took time out. I went to Tim Hortons because it was the closest. I had driven by Starbucks on Bay and Cumberland but there was no parking and I didn't want to leave my car for a moment, just in case. I walked to Tim's in the rain, while my decrepit umbrella, ready for burial tried to do it's job of protecting me. Of course there was a barrier in front of the entrance door, but I found another and inside, I placed my order, received it and sat down to take time out. It looked like a med team did the same thing. We were all looking at each other politely and looking away politely. I ate my hash brown and biscuit with egg and cheese and sipped longingly on my coffee. Tims never tasted so good. I went to my booth which was on the wrong side of what I had hoped it would be and my day started. The rain departed and the sun shone. How nice. My neighbours were wonderful and we all shared stories and ideas. One took pictures of me and my booth. He just sent them to me this morning. Now I have to figure out how to decrease the size. I am looking a bit rough. Is it the new colour? Is it the rough start? Is it just me? My one and only fan came once again and I was probably more disappointed than my fan that I did not have my second book ready. I said my editor was on page 25 and the book would be ready for next year. Another came around to tell me he had bought my book and let me know that it was expected that I have my second ready for sale next year. Talk about pressure. He thought my book was funny. What a healthy guy! All in all, it was a fun day. It is nice being around people who love books. One author wanted to trade books with me and I was rather pleased that hers was more expensive. Her book "Theft by Chocolate" by Luba Lesychyn had caught my eye. She said, she had worked at the ROM for 20 years and her book is inspired by an actual heist. I had my eye on the cover and was pleased by the trade. My other neighbour, "Edna's pickle", a husband and wife team was a real delight. She provided me with the history of her homeland, GOA. She was selling a variety of things and I took an instant warm liking to her and her husband. He would go to the busy areas and bring people to us. This week I have an all day conference in Brampton. I do hope my car can make it there. I shall let you know if I learn anything that I think is useful for you. Take those breaks, to refocus and re-energize. Find something you love to do. What do you think?

Word on The Street, Queen's Park, Toronto. Come by my booth and say hello.

Time is going by so fast, I try to put the brakes on, but it just keeps flying. In no time, I shall be 95, and still flying. Oh my! Anyhow, this Sunday, Sept 21, is two days away. I am far from ready, but all I have to do is look a bit decent, by fluffing up my hair (in the wind) and perhaps some lipstick and I am good to go. I will pack a few books, a pen, some cards and presto. If you have not bought your copy of, "Hey Guy Buy Me," now is the time. Unfortunately my second book is not ready for sale and that will take about another five months. This one is much lighter, more fun and an easy read. More than 100 books have gone missing so if you see it being sold, where it shouldn't which is anywhere outside Toronto, please let me know. When Corporations loose my books, I am a tad doubtful that the books are missing in action. I will be at WB 19 (which I think means West Booth number 19). I believe they call it the writer's corner. Looking at my map, it should be between the "Wordshop Marquee" and "Vibrant Voices of Ontario Tent". For my one and only fan, I am very very very sorry that my second book is not ready as I had promised last year. So, if you know me, come and bring me a coffee! If you do not know me, please do not bring me anything to consume. My, I need work on being funny. See you there and if you buy my book, remember it has nothing to do with therapy. I write for fun. Do not get mad at me as some readers have. Ignore the small stuff and find the humour. What do you think?

Mood Disorders - Psychology notes

My favourite psychology course was Abnormal Psychology. Our professor was an expert in court and told us about the fascinating court cases he dealt with. When reading my blog please be aware that my notes may be somewhat dated in this field which is young and changing. Also, keep in mind that if you read and can relate to some of these symptoms, you may not have what is diagnosed here. Please do not self diagnose but do see someone with what is concerning you. Mood Disorders depression <__________> manic Depression is an over abundance of sadness - extreme sadness. Manic - excessive happiness/ elation. There are a number of issues that arise. Some people m/d are two extremes of the same continuum. Major depressive episode - most severe of depressive sub types. Cyclothemic Disorder not as severe as the a/m. It comes and goes. periods where feel hypomanic but does not all the symptoms. A manic episode is a clear and persistent elevated mood which lasts at least a week. A hypo-manic episode is not as severe and must last for four days. Two different types of bi-polar disorders - bi-polar I and bi polar II Some people have a single episode of depression. Others have several episodes throughout their life span. Criteria for Major Depression 5 of the following symptoms are present during the same 2 week period and represent a change from previous function - at least one symptom is either 1- depressed mood or 2- loss of interest or pleasure. Depressed mood most of the day nearly every day. Marked diminished interest/pleasure most of the day mainly everyday. Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain or decrease in appetite or gain 5% in the month. Insomnia or hypersomnia everyday. Psychometic agitation or retardation nearly everyday - observable by others. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly everyday. Feeling of worthlessness eg. guilt and sometimes delusional, nearly every day. Diminished ability to think or concentrate or being indecisive nearly every day. Recurrent thoughts of death, suicide. Some new clinicians hesitate to touch the topic because of fear that will be suggestive. B. The symptoms do not meet criteria for mixed episode.\ C. Symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment. D. Symptoms longer than 2 months - not due to bereavement. Manic Depressive not unusual unless longer than two months or marked functional impairment - suicide. Rem - usually half as normal in depressed people. In anxiety disorders, insomnia most often. To be continued…………