It appears I have to put my book aside which is quite sad for me because I am so soon at completing my first draft. I had really wanted to finish it by the end of summer. I had really wanted to paint my house by the end of summer. I had really wanted to.....................................
This is a year of loss for me and I feel it each day. I lost my mom who was closer to me than any other human. But I also lost a close friend of mine who was a priest and who I had known for many many years. He was Irish and Scottish and we fought over politics and theology and life in general. And that was the beauty of our friendship. We could fight! When it was over, we moved on to our next debate, our next challenge. Though people were suspect of our relationship, as people like to gossip about what they do not understand and create stuff that comes from within themselves and their own sins rather than what is real, this priest was older than my father and I never had an interest in older men than friendship in its purest form. Anything that was close to my dad's age was uchy to me and my dad was quite young. He had longish hair before it became fashionable.
So I have lost my closest confidants and that is a great loss. This week has been a lot of new and old stuff occurring. There has also been a focus of religion formation. I have learned that I may now be referred to as an extraordinary minister of Holy Communion. I hope I have that right. We had a priest come from Montreal who has a PHD in these affairs. He teaches seminarians. He reminds me of a math teacher I had in high school where my math grades reached its highest score. She taught us as if we were all idiots and it sunk in. She wrote books on math. This man gave me the same impression, however it is a skill. Many scholars are brilliant but they do not know how to teach. So I had about six hours of training about the Eucharist Wed and Friday night and Saturday I went to a Day of what I will call Catholicism of all sorts. I will not name it because though I will criticise it a bit, I do not want to take away too much of how much it works for people either.
The first thing I did when I got there of course is find my coffee as soon as I paid for the day. That was not easy because I had not registered in advance because I was not certain I could go. I had wanted to do something for a friend of mine which I was supposed to do at a later date, but find that I cannot. However, I could not locate my friend so went to the event. They had confession there and they said that if we went to confession, heard two speakers, attended mass and one other thing, we would have something that I cannot recall what it was that was good for us. So, after finally getting my coffee and being sure that my blood pressure had hit the roof because I was directed in circles to pay for the event, I decided to begin right and go to confession. Catholics go to confession and report their sins. What we can do though is focus on a theme rather than individual sins. A protestant once told me that he went to our confession. That was very telling. So I went and reported my lack of patience and I added that I had gossiped. Gossip is something I hate and detest. I was angry that when I was in my backyard, there was smoke coming onto my deck by an adjoining one, forcing me to go inside my home or breathe in the smoke. My other gossip was about another person cutting along my property. I fumed. Therefore, I shared that anger with others in the vicinity. I am sure I could have a lot more sins, but I don't have the time to commit them. What was different, this time was that the priest told me not to be too hard on myself, so that I can be less hard on others. Usually, they just forgive me or if I do not sin enough I am asked and probed to discover if there are more. Actually, that only happened once. Advice - don't go to someone who knows you too well.
That stuck with me. I am hard on myself. I have a high expectation. I am ok with it and it does not bother me. I strive towards being the best I can be in regardless of what I do. If I fall, I pick myself up and strive some more. I like that about me. I like me. However, I did not really consider how that trait in me, may effect as I see others. I am not talking about my counselling. I enjoy and love my work. I really care about helping others. However, I am perhaps too critical with those who are close to me. I have an expectation. I am too hard in that expectation. I know I have learned that behaviour. So this weekend, I learned to be easier on myself so I can be more compassionate and lenient with others in my social life.
So now that I was forgiven and I had a hopefully glowing soul, I heard a speaker at the seminar complain about science not superseding religion. I kept hearing this man and his complaints about evolution and his complaints about a lot of things, and I felt my anger rising once again. He then also bashed the education system and in particular the University of Toronto - my school. In his bashing because I did not see the merit, or anything of substance like any reference. What I saw was over 1000 people coming for a day of instruction without know that one comment the speaker made was contrary to the comments of our Pope who is now considered a saint. I approached him during the break and informed him of this. He did not argue with me. I also made mention of his comment about the University of Toronto. I offered to send him a paper I had written about evolution. His pit bull came to the rescue informing me that he was retired. She then began bashing St Michael's College. I informed her I had studied under the Jesuits. She then became more angry asking me if I had read the book, the Jesuits. I was stunned. I actually do have that thick book in my book shelf as a book to eventually read. This was her argument? How do I argue with that? How do I argue? The Pope is a Jesuit. I have a sign at home with a big head and it says bang head here if you are stressed. I used to keep it in my locker and every once in a while, I would bang my head against it and everyone in the locker room would laugh, thus decreasing their level a tad. However, I just stood there dumbfounded.
I returned to my seat venting a tad to a woman beside me who looked so calm. She lives the life I dream by the water and going South in our cold winters. Well perhaps not so cold anymore because of global warming but that is not the topic here. I saw the elderly man again. He was seated at a table and he gave me a 5.00 magazine with a picture of the pope. I saw an elderly man with a kind face. His view and his education was different than mine. His temperament was as I could only wish for mine to be - composed and patient and loving.
"Don't be hard on yourself so you can be less so on others."
Would that priest's words continue to haunt me, I wondered?
Then I heard another speaker. I had already read her book. Her name is Dr Gloria Polo. She is a dentist. She is from Columbia and she told her story of dying and going to hell and seeing Jesus/God and the devil. Her book seemed more real to me than her verbalization of the events that occurred to her. I felt there was too much drama. Was it cultural? Was it real? Was it fake? Was there a scientific explanation? She spoke in Spanish and I was surprised at how much I understood. I was unaware that the speaker would not be talking in the English language.
Lunch was excellent and at the end of the day, I left exhausted and couldn't wait to order my prize pizza.
What a week. I also negotiated this week for my own office. I need extra space. That is not an easy chore. I need space for clients and I want a nice space for them. I want to be set up with my own office by 1 Jun 13, with a special rate of 50.00 for a 50 minute hour. That is 25.00 lower than my regular rate, leaving one day a week for a sliding scale. I am negotiating while thinking of all the set up costs.
But, why am I putting my beloved book aside? Because I have to refocus on my specialist papers. The objective is to be completed by Septembers. I will be working alone so I can work faster. Apparently I am ahead of my peer group. Why not? I put all I have in what I have to do and make it a priority. So I will focus on my clients and my papers and all else I have to submit and I will be completed by my mentor's bench mark of September. There are hiccups. One of the organizations I belong to has rejected any courses with the mention of spirituality or religion. None of my undergraduatete psychology courses count (of course not). None of my courses by a bonofide psychologist professor count. But that is ok, because I have taken lots of courses and even if I need one more, I shall get it from a course that has no hint of spirituality in it. No problemo.
I will not talk about homosexuality and abortion today. It is too much for today. What I do know about myself and my care for others,is that what is important for them I need to have an understanding of. I will never discount science and medicine. However, I will never discount the religion and spirituality of those I serve. I am not there to correct a person's perspective of religion when they come to me. I need to understand how they view themselves as a Muslim, a Jew or a Catholic etc......
During the lectures, I also heard some derogatory comments about therapists and I would have been interested in knowing how their experience had been effected to form this opinion.
I belong to many worlds of thought. I am comfortable with my place in it. I did not agree with everything I heard and picked up on the contradictions. My concern is that this was not a small class of academics arguing beliefs etc...This was about leadership and people coming to them to know about what the Catholic Church teaches as the Pope at the head of the Church. There was mention of supporting the Pope and how he is under attack. Even though there were subtle attacks, perhaps it was unintended. Perhaps I need to be a bit less hard on myself so I can be less hard on others where I would normally expect more.
So I am putting my book aside, once again and now I will put my computer aside and enjoy my day. My pets have been pestering me while I am trying to type because they think I should get off and play and that is what I shall do for the rest of the weekend. However, my next posting will be my paper on evolution.
How was your week? What do you think?
Awwww, to live by the waterfront, walking along the beech and looking out of my glass house. I shall do that one day.............
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