I remember reading a passage from a huge resource book that Mother's Day started with a single woman wanting to celebrate her mother. I wish I had asked for that resource book because I used to love reading from it. It was thick and big and wonderful. I used to have a bit of time to spare where I was working and used to enjoy going through the pages of tid bits.
Several years ago, an elderly woman told me that when the priest at mass ask the women who are mothers to rise and go to the front of the church to receive a flower for Mother's day, she tries to become invisible because she never could have children. She does not want the entire congregation to know. She told me that every year when she goes to celebrate mass, this is the day she hates to go. This is the day she suffers - Mother's Day. That gave me a new perspective about Mother's Day. I had to look outside of myself and my view of Mother's Day to those who suffer on that day because that is what I am conerned with, the happiness and suffering of others. That is my work. If I can not look beyond myself, than how can I help others?
This year I went to Mass on Mother's day and I observed. First two elderly people who were celebrating their birthdays were honoured. Both were blessed and given a bouquet of carnations. They were very happy and a tad embarrassed at the attention. Then a woman from the rear of the church approaches them as they are about to return to their seats, takes the bouquet from them and removes one carnation from each to give to them and hands the remainder to one of the men who is holding carnations to give out. She is quiter perturbed. "How embarrassing" I remarked to someone nearby. Then all the mothers are asked to rise and go to the front of the church. One woman ahead of me is asked by another why she is not going to the front of the church? She has risen to leave. The older woman wanted to direct the younger middle aged woman to the front, assuming her a mother. This woman explains that she is not a mother and seems to need to say this a few times as she leaves the church. Her discomfort is clear to me, but not to others as she is stopped several times to be directed to the front of the church. I notice older women leaving the church and there are so few sitting down that it becomes a refection of who does not want to be a mother, can't be a mother or is simply too young..............One woman stops walking down the aisle, to tap me on the shoulder and tell me, that as a mother I should go to the front of the church. She wants to ensure I understand because she does not think I understand the Italian language. I find this all very interesting and continue to sit and observe. Finally, I find all this tiring and leave the church as well before final blessing. There are only girls left sitting down now and very few of them. All the women have either reached the front of the church for their flower or left.
I have discovered that for many, there is a problem of looking beyond themselves. There is a naieve psychology that everyone thinks they know how people tick. They read an article and based on that article and their frame of reference they know the answers. What I have learned is that the more I learn, the more I realize how much I do not know. It was an elementary substitute teacher who taught me that and I never really knew what he meant until I grew and continue to do so. I am a life time student. My need is to grow, while appreciating what I have around me.
When the elderly woman first told me about how much she dreaded going to church on Mother's Day, I shared with a long term friend that perhaps the church should not be selecting women apart from others. Perhaps, they should just honour the mother's without having all go to the front. Perhaps they can ask the mothers to take a flower as they exit. Perhaps they can just give everyone a flower without going on about all women as if they know all women. When did this start in the church? Who's idea was it? Were all women considered? Are all women mothers? When I told my friend about how some women may experience this, such as the elderly woman, I learned something. She was horrified that something like this could be taken away from her. This carnation and having her go to the front of the church was an honour she deserved. I pondered and was surprised by the hostility directed at me. I pondered some more. I thought of my PHD canditate TA, in psychology who helped the prof teach us stats. I knew she knew nothing about stats. It is incredible how people can learn when they teach, what they are supposed to know already before teaching it. It is quite motivating. She said that she felt like an outsider in her family. She felt that she had outgrown them. I thought at the time, that she was perhaps arrogant. I had often heard other students say that they can no longer reconnect with their families. They have become too different from who they were. They have grown, and by growing, they have grown apart from the families who raised them. Normally there is a difference in culture or education. I now understand that perspective as well.
I believe that to help others, we need to understand the suffering of others, the world of others as they see it. For some who are not mothers by choice, all she may need is just to be around some screaming children to confirm that she made the right decision and that is why she is not in prison (humour required). For others who have tried so hard to have children and cannot, being a mother may have been the only thing she really wanted and it is tearing her up inside. For others who have had an abortion, they may be suffering the loss of that child and not able to forgive themselves, while blaming others. For children who are sexually, mentally and physically abused, mother's day is no day to celebrate but to be haunted by it. Their mother may have committed the act or allowed it to happen. There are mothers who have suffered the loss of a child and what greater grief is there, than a parent who had their child die? This is not according to the plan of the circle of life.
Give me a day to celebrate and I shall. I celebrate my mother on Mother's Day. Mothers Day is to me, a day to celebrate my mom. However, I am not everyone. Everyone has had a different life, some better and some unimaginable. Not all mothers are wonderful. Some are absolutely horrible. I think that Mother's day should be celebrated. There are wonderful mothers out there. Why not spend some time today, the day after, reflecting what Mother's Day means to you. This includes men. Feel free to leave a comment. I am interested to know. Is it a day of joy and celebration? Is it a day you dread? Is it a day you can come to terms with? Is it a day that perhaps can allow you to think about it differently? Is it a day that you can learn to forgive yourself? Is it a day that you can just be yourself and pleased with who you are regardless of what is forced upon you? To all the Mothers out there, I hope you had a wonderful day and that you deserved that day. What do you think?
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