Grief

     Grief is something that eventually catches up with us all.  It may be a result of someone dying who is important to us, it may be because we develop a horrible disease and it may be because of a relationship which is terminated.  Eventually, some one or something important to us is no longer there and we grieve. 

    We grieve differently.  Some of us feel a deep profound sadness, others feel like they are on a roller coaster ride that won't stop and others cry or have other responses.  Where do you see yourself in here?
    I have suffered two losses in one week.  I have had time to process one and I was waiting for the other to pass away for quite some time.  One I knew for my entire life and the other was a long time friend who I served with.  He was a priest.  He had served during the war in the Persion Gulf and I was there when he received his medal.  He developed Lou Gehrig's disease after retirement.   When he could no longer live in his residence, he wanted to go to Sunnybrook Veterans hospital.  He was rejected because he was not a WW1 or WW2 vet.  It did not matter that he had served in the Navy in the Persian Gulf war.  It did not matter that he had served his country for over 20 years.  I called Veteran Affairs for him and they said that they could not help.  I explained how important it was for veterans to be with veterans.  The person I spoke with could not agree more, but there was nothing that could be done.  It was the government I was told, the government I had voted for.
     I would visit my friend where he eventually went to.  He was on a different floor from other priests.  He looked at me in earnest and stated "We learn in the military how to be among the people.  I want to be living among the people."  I also knew that he wanted to be living among other veterans, while living among the people.
     My friend died and I did not know until one week later but I know where he is buried and will eventually visit him his burial site.  I saw this strong tall man slowly crumble.
      I have grieved for a few weeks and that is why you did not see any new blogs.  Now I am getting back on the horse so to speak.
      Since I have read so many books on grief and taken many lectures regarding death and loss, I found myself focusing on my feelings and behavior.  I wanted to capture the moment and hold on to it.  I wanted to be a better counsellor for others.  I wanted to be able to retrieve that moment when I empathised.
      Grieving is a time when you re-examine your relationships.  Who is supportive?  Who is not?  Who gave flowers? Who gave cards?  Who telephoned?  Who came to visit?  For some reason, this time around I was more aware of the responses from others and my reactions to it.  Perhaps it is because of my training.
      One precious moment to me was when a few neighbours came with a card each and sat with me.  They shared stories of their own losses while I prepared coffee and cookies to serve.  I connected this to other sharing at other times and have come to realize how healthy group therapy is for those who grieve and do not necessarily have the supports they need.  There were many other moments.   I have found that when people have shared their own losses and I can see their own pain that there is an immediate connection.  What is best to be avoided is to speak up and say how one should grieve.  That is a complaint that is not soon forgotten by many and so that is my advice.  Allow people to grieve and to grieve in their own way.  We cannot base our own grief as the expectations as a stemline for others.  Of course there are also those who say the most stupid things and though I have never suffered fools well, I understand that some times people simply do not know what they are saying.
      I want to give you the opportunity to comment today.  Perhaps you want to share your own loss.  Perhaps you want to share a disappointment, a suffering, a moment of loss?  What do you think?