Shame: Mirror Mirror Upon Thy Face: Who is to blame for Thy Shame? by Rehema Nyambura Gathumbi, MA-MFT. (American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy) High shame is linked to complicated grief and depression. Emotional Safety is important in a child. When bullied at school and fighting at home, they believe they are the problem. If relationships are strained over and over, we come to believe that we are not loveable. Strained connection > shame>strained connection. Trauma is the root beneath the shame. Shame begins as survival and ends as imprisonment. Shame distorts self-identity. Shame shifts. A person may not know they are suffering from shame. Infidelity - partners mirror resolved shame. Sees with other - feels seen and cared for. Look at history and will find shame. What is it about communication that causes the problem? Is shame there? In Africa there is about a billion people; many languages. How does language perpetuate shame? In Kenya, men do not cook. People would say, how can you do that? It’s for women - shame. Shame can block therapy. In therapy, “What is going on that you need to be seen in a certain way?” Mindfulness revives the brain. Stress reduces cortisol and activates parasympathetic system. Builds self compassion, shifts inner dialogue from shame to self criticism to acceptance. Shame can lead to avoidance. Ask a male client, “What does an identity of a man look like?” re: physical activity, recurring sport projects. I have worked a lot with shame, especially when it came to child sexual abuse. The child who became an adult came to believe that the responsibility was theirs as a child which at times was re-enforced by ignorant adults in their lives. Believe your child and let the authorities deal with it. (notes)

High shame is linked to complicated grief and depression.  Emotional Safety is important in a child.  When bullied at school and fighting at home, they believe they are the problem.  If relationships are strained over and over, we come to believe that we are not loveable.  Strained connection > shame>strained connection.  Trauma is the root beneath the shame.  Shame begins as survival and ends as imprisonment.   Shame distorts self-identity.  Shame shifts.  A person may not know they are suffering from shame.  Infidelity - partners mirror resolved shame.  Sees with other - feels seen and cared for.  Look at history and will find shame.  What is it about communication that causes the problem?  Is shame there?  In Africa there is about a billion people; many languages.  How does language perpetuate shame?  In Kenya, men do not cook.  People would say, how can you do that?  It’s for women - shame.  Shame can block therapy.   In therapy, “What is going on that you need to be seen in a certain way?”  

     Mindfulness revives the brain.  Stress reduces cortisol and activates parasympathetic system.  Builds self compassion, shifts inner dialogue from shame to self criticism to acceptance.  Shame can lead to avoidance.  Ask a male client, “What does an identity of a man look like?” re:  physical activity, recurring sport projects.

     I have worked a lot with shame, especially when it came to child sexual abuse.  The child who became an adult came to believe that the responsibility was theirs as  a  child which at times was re-enforced by ignorant adults in their lives.  Believe your child and let the authorities deal with it.  

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