One of my earlier papers in Theology......In the spirit of Easter

My Journey of Prayer and Desire By Silva Redigonda Lord, make me an instrument of your peace Where there is hatred, let me sow love, Where there is injury, pardon, Where there is doubt, faith, Where there is despair, hope, Where there is darkness, light, Where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek To be consoled as to console, To be understood as to understand, To be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive, It is in pardoning that we are pardoned, And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen The Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi My Journey of Prayer and Desire Prayer and Desire has been a journey. I will demonstrate how prayer and desire has changed throughout my life and how it reflects who I am today. During my young life, I had a natural acceptance of God. I said my personal prayers in bed, aided by my mother at my side. I prayed for family, alive or dead, and everyone in the world. School and the Church taught me to pray in rote. When alone as a child, I would look up at the heavens and talk excitedly to God about anything. Franciscan Prayer indicates that Monastic ""rule"" …the law of prayer is the law of belief. If I use distant and remote language to speak to God then I imagine that God is distant and remote." God was up in heaven when I was a child but he was as real to me as the clock ticking in front of me. I did consider God, male as Delio, p55, makes mention. "If I use male language to speak to God than I will imagine that God is male." I did not think of God as desire at this stage in my life for God was just there, as everything else was for me. I just accepted. As a teenager, I became distraught at the state of the world. It seemed that wars, destruction, poverty and prejudice did not make sense. How could a God allow this to happen? How could God not stop this? I stopped praying. I had no desire to pray, but I did feel something missing in my life in the process. It was desire. Distraction in Prayer: Blessing or Curse reveals that stopping prayer is exactly what evil wants, "we should not be disturbed nor should we abandon prayer, which is exactly what the devil wants us to do. For the most part all the trials and disturbances comes from our not understanding ourselves [IV.1.9]." As a young adult, I had a career where I was introduced to evil. As I kept bumping into evil, I found myself thinking that there must be a polar opposite. I respected the Catholic Church that nurtured me as a child. My faith returned to me slowly. Believing in God was a struggle. It was definitely a journey. My search has ended. My desire fulfilled. Where am I now? I did not think that distractions, while praying was common until I took this course. I thought that perhaps I was doing something wrong when my mind wandered. Sr. Seelaus, p 2, reveals, "Distractions offer genuine openings to a fuller life in God." I no longer consider the distractions a hindrance. I feel more comfortable with my relationship with God. I feel close to God in prayer when I serve Holy Communion and bless the children and adults who come for blessings. I feel close to God when I receive communion myself especially when I feel the warmth of Jesus going throughout my core. Never have I felt as close to God as I do now in this present mature state. I have reached that stage that I can pray in rote, talk to God, hear God and just enjoy the silence of being with him. Now I understand that this silence which I enjoy so much is contemplative prayer. Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening, defines contemplative prayer. "Contemplative prayer is simply a wordless, trusting opening of self to the divine presence." John of the Cross indicates, ""Silence is God's first language."" Bourgeault, pg 5. Yes, I enjoy the silence as I look out at the sky feeling God beside me. What can be nicer? My life has been a prayer journey. I am at a mature level in my life and it is my desire that my relationship with God continues to remain strong and that I do not reverse to doubt. It is my desire for God to guide me. I have done everything I wanted to do in my life. Now I want to do what God wants me to do. Yes, I still think of God as male, though I realize that God is a spirit, without gender. I visualize God as part of this world and sense God near me, and Christ, and the Holy Spirit as well as my Guardian Angel who has protected me so. God in prayer is so much more than me, that to conjure an accurate image is beyond me because I am so limited in my concepts and intelligence. When I realize that desire is a metaphor it all comes together for me and I understand. Sheldrake's emphasizes, that "desire is a metaphor for the whole process of journeying into God and, at the same time, the need to transcend the limitations of our images of God. Desire is…a metaphor for choosing from within myself rather than from outside myself." I understand that my journey of prayer has been my desire. Delio, p35, simplifies desire, "Prayer is desire." My journey of Prayer and Desire is a transition that has not completed itself. My journey is a Franciscan journey. It is "a journey inwards toward a new relationship with God in which God takes on flesh anew in one's life…God has come to us." Delio, 55. What inspires me at this point in my life is God. I want to serve in doing good things for people. To help them seek peace and comfort. Prayer effects how I relate to others and to the world because I have asked for guidance and have received it finding myself on a new journey, towards a service to God. As I grow older, this desire to help others grows stronger. At this stage in my journey, I smile at the small child who had the ease of knowing God. I understand the confused teenager who turned her back on God. I nurture the young woman who returned to God not knowing God was her desire. I welcome myself as my journey of prayer and desire continues on this road towards God in the service of others. BIBLIOGRAPHY Bourgeault, Cynthia. Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening. Cambridge,MA: Cowley Publications, 2004. Delio, Ilia. Franciscan Prayer.Cincinnati,Ohio: St. Anthony Messenger Press, 2004. Seelaus, Vilma. Distractions in Prayer:Blessings or Curse? St. Paul's NY: Alba House, 2005. Sheldrake, Philip. Befriending our Desires. Toronto: Novalis, Toronto, 2001.