Another Title change? Will Couple and Family Therapy change with the times?

One of my Associations is considering another name change from Marriage and Family Therapy. As you remember I used to hold the title of Pastoral counselling Specialist until they talked about a name change and once it was completed, I let go the designation because it wasn’t working out with my private practice. Spiritual Psycho therapist was too confusing and more than once I was thought to be a fortune teller, mystic or some other. So, I dropped the title and stayed as an Associate. I have a Masters in Ministry and Spirituality so I am not too concerned. Some people believe in God, some do not, and others are on the fence. If they want to explore that part of themselves, have questions, etc……I can work there as well. Religion is often a part of a culture. Some, want to have a title as say Roman Catholic and want baptism, have communion, confirmation and get married in a church but that is the extent of what they want. It is a part of their family tradition. They may go to church once or twice a year for fulfillment. Then there are those in other religions, still Christian who like to “shun” anyone who thinks differently from them. They believe that all will go to hell, except for their small group. It is also them who make the rules and they consider themselves elevated to a level as that of God. There are other religions who are so fanatic that they will slaughter anyone who does not believe what they do, because of course what they believe in, is their correct religion. Than of course there are the Satanists that like pretending to be followers and others who do not pretend at all. It reminds me of a lecture from a doctor from the States, where a physician approached him and didn’t know what to do because the patient had said he is a Satanist. The speaker told him to ask him if it made him happy. I have found that in most religions but not all, people find comfort and solace. They get comfort knowing there is someone good who looks after them. However, there are some who suffer because they feel they have been abandoned. Then there are others who suffer because they have left a religion and are now shunned. I spoke once of being at a conference and someone shunning me because I no longer wanted to use the term of the change in title. That had nothing to do with the Association but with the person’s own religion where shunning is the norm. I found it amusing, though surprised. My bad. Then there are those who suffer terribly because of “sin”. People have so many beliefs that define them. Everyone has the right to question and to choose. Now, another name change may be coming. I belong to the American Association of Family Therapy, The Canadian Association of Family Therapy and the Ontario Association of Family Therapy. I am also a Registered Psychotherapist. I have families and couples who come to me to help them with problems they are having, not because they are happy. In my years of experience I have found that people may come to me because they are in a polygamous relationship, they are having affairs and want help with the relationship not of their spouse but with the man or woman they are having an affair with. Sometimes there are those who have multiple relationships with multiple people. In marriages there are at times what we call a triangle. One person escapes a marriage by going to the garage, a man cave, a woman cave, another lover. What I try to do is reconnect relationships when it is wanted. I have one rule when a couple comes to me and wants to heal their relationship. It is to give up the person they are having an affair with. Sometimes they agree but do not comply and when that happens I refer them. Why? Because how can a couple be serious of working on their own relationship if they are not willing to let go “the escape.” The whole idea is to actually get their relationship back on track. There are those who would be willing to pay me anything to help them achieve what they want which is part of their control issues. Sorry, I cannot be bought. I sometimes see couples separately and together which is quite successful when both parties really want to work on their relationship. I find this quite successful for the most part. Change is usually required which is compromise and that is not always a motivating factor for one who is quite happy in a role of power and control. There are those who have another motive than trying to work on their relationship and there too I suggest they find someone else. I have refused to go to court on anyone’s behalf because there are always two sides. So it would be unfair. In couple and family therapy what is worked on is the relationship. When working one on one for other reasons, it is their personal care. I am not open to a name change because I am very serious in trying to help couples succeed in their relationships. A couple is a couple. I have had people in an open relationship ask me what I think. It is not about what I think. It does not matter what I think. What matters is what they think and how it is effecting them. Most often, one person will let go the person they are having an affair with and terminate the relationship on their own, once they have processed their thoughts. More often than not, there is a complete surprise of infidelity. One thought everything was great. The other person did not. I was once asked by a Priest and educator what I found to be the most common problem with couples. My response was communication and he agreed. Now this is just a simple walk through the park without any real depth. It is a scratch on the surface. Now let’s talk about families. Again, there is incest, (if I know of child abuse I report it as per law). However, it is adults who tell me of their painful youths, both men and women. There are sexual relations with in in-laws which destroys the dynamics of the family. There is addiction to gambling, sex, alcohol, drugs, shopping etc….There is hoarding of clothing, animals etc….I need to always consider the welfare of the child and though there may be a fine line between abuse and bad parenting skills, there is a way of navigating that. A child once he or she is fourteen what is talked about in the therapy room does not need to be shared with the parent. A child is not personal property. A child needs to be loved and feel safe. A child needs routine. There are parents who have no idea how to raise children and think a session or two will resolve them of responsibility. I can honestly say that in many cases, it is the parent with the problem and not the child. The City of Toronto has an on line site where parent(s) can sign on to have guidance in raising their child. Then there are others who believe it is everyone else’s fault and who refuse to look at themselves. Then there are those who think it is all their fault, and they too need to have some self reflection. Abuse is never anyone’s fault who is being abused. They should never feel ashamed and they need help in processing that themselves. So, what does this all mean? I will continue to support the term Marriage and Family therapist. Of course there are changes. Our world is becoming more confusing. Everything is more violent in gaming and on television. Where children used to find comfort watching what could be a loving and supporting family, when they had none and depended on that for hope, now see everything which is more confusing. They are learning about having sex before they are mentally prepared. I remember asking one child how she learned to cut herself. She said she learned how watching a family show. We need to be mindful of what children are watching and explaining what they are seeing. They cannot be sheltered in this day and age with the internet and therefore education and being open is the key. Children can only share if they feel safe to do so. So, there are at times when I am challenged with what I am working with. I must always be mindful that it is the person who comes to me for help to provide that without judgement. If it does not fall under Family and Couple therapy it does under psychotherapy. If you are looking for a therapist, find one who you feel connected with. That has been found to be more therapeutic than their own knowledge. I encourage you to surround yourself with people who are supportive and not consistently telling you what you should do, how to behave, and think they have a better grasp of who you are than yourself. Practice self care which can be meditating, being in nature, listening to music, dancing etc…..Take up a new hobby such as an art class, learn to play an instrument, join a zoom group with shared values. Get to know who you are, not what others have notions of you. Learn to live life and love life. Find that hope and examine what is stifling that. So this Easter have a good one with family, friends and pets. Happy Easter.