Busy Week

It has been non stop this week, but it has been fun and exciting. Every once in a while I like to just go with whatever is happening. Easter was spent with family and friends on different days which wouldn't stop. I also attended a banquet for fund raising and found my self buying two lovely scenes which I have hung after careful contemplation. It was a silent auction and one man mentioned that I was outbidding him. "Do you really want it?" He asked. I just looked at the country scene with a canoe (hey why don't I just post it for you). Yup, I have attached it. There you go and guess where I put it. In my office replacing the wildlife animals. Not everyone loves animals. Nature? Well, it offers a peaceful setting. I don't feel so bad now, as the man kept staring at the picture and I wondered if he wanted it much more than I. I bought another as well for the only bid which I will probably have to frame before hanging. I met up with classmates who are doing so well and I am so happy for them. My prof was celebrating his 50 year jubillarian with another. I was fortunate to sit at the same table so we sat together - bonus. I didn't realize that the weekend was approaching since I was still extending the last one. I got a great break and even managed a trip out of the city once again. I am so sorry that I did not write my weekly blog and so here I am explaining why. I want to finish off the outstanding notes from previous seminars because they are beginning again and I don't want to fall behind. I shall be a busy gal and reporting what I learn to you as always. So, have a great weekend, because it came so fast. Looking forward to talking to you next week.

A Holy Week

Watching Notre Dame burning yesterday was quite unsettling and sad. As I watched the spire collapse, my thoughts went to China where they toppled crosses. Tears began to stream. Easter is about death and Rising. Easter is about Jesus. Easter is about God. Easter is about all of us. It is ironic that yesterday I travelled to a small town to go to a funeral of a man who died much too young. It was sad to see his parents suffering. I know as a therapist that nothing is worse than losing a child. The funeral was also a celebration of his life. I saw another aspect of this man. We only know fragments of people. In couple therapy spouses are often surprised to discover feelings that the other has harboured and suffered in silence. Couples married for decades look at their spouse in shock and silence, as I ask, “Did you know how s/he felt?” Sometimes, therapy is too difficult especially for those not ready to face themselves and their position is their relationship. They are not ready to make changes. Their relationship continues in silent suffering and that will continue until one has had enough or not. Others are ready to make changes, to compromise. Even families have notions of each other as is seen from their perspective only. It reminds me of when people read the first book I wrote. I was so amazed at how people reacted to a book, I only wrote for fun. It was meant to be light and funny and boy did I get that reaction from many, but certainly not all. I had not prepared for the hostility. People read from their own experiences, from their own perspectives, discovered from their own lives. The little town I attended yesterday, I had been to many years ago when a childhood friend of mine moved there. The childhood friend moved again to another town with her family. Time there seemed to stand still. I had left Toronto early wanting to miss the rush hour. I arrived early and went to the first coffee shop after the funeral home. It was across the street from the Police Station whose grand size surprised me. It seemed too big for the town, a grand man. What I liked about the area is that it maintained its home town feel. While driving to the town, I passed other towns which became swallowed by mega homes and city type coffee shops. People want to move to the country but bring the city with them. I wanted a breakfast of eggs, toast etc which boasted special rates for students, however it was closed. The next door restaurant was closed too. So, I walked across the street to another old building and though they didn’t have scones, they had biscuits. So, I ordered one heated with butter and a coffee. It was refreshing not being asked what specific coffee I wanted. I am tired of paying small fortunes for coffees with European names, that are tasteless. I was provided with a wonderful black cup of coffee which is exactly what I wanted. It was rich and hot - just right. I saw a middle aged woman with bright pink hair by the window who would look more at home in Toronto. Here she looked out of place in a place where time stood still. However, she and everyone else here had a sweet temperament. I was the odd one here, slightly overdressed and formal in my demeanour. I had a purpose while those around me were enjoying the moment, as people should. I enjoyed my time watching my surroundings and though tempted to buy one of the many original cups I saw around me, I did not, knowing I have so many at home. I left and returned to my car enjoying the relaxed feel of the town. I drove to the funeral home and managed to get the last parking space. Space was extremely limited. The building was quaint and the greeters were all friendly and wholesome. The service was one of the best I have ever been at. The minister, a woman, provided an excellent Eulogy and two good friends of the deceased talked about his life. I had not known those parts of his life. I began to learn of a person from my own impressions which was far removed. I didn’t know this person was raised on a farm or that he had managed to retain all those close friendships. I also did not know that he had suffered so much. Suffering too is a part of life which is so difficult. I left after greeting previous colleagues. There was supposed to be refreshments which we were encouraged to go to but it was at a church and at this point many of who I had talked to and myself did not want to travel to another area, so we went home, mine being Toronto. It is difficult to say goodbye permanently. Next month I will be attending a grief seminar about children who grieve. That should be interesting as it will be new for me. I have much experience and studies about grief but not specifically for children alone. I shall look forward to this, since most of what I hear is just refresher which can become tedious. Driving home from this little town and returning to a congested city with people racing to their respective places like no tomorrow was rather disenchanting. Being greeting by my tiny family was warm and inviting. Turning on the news and watching my cathedral burn was solemn. I had visited this most beautiful cathedral. It had been breathtaking. It was the death of a life, that effects the world. So, my day yesterday was a day of death, but it was also a day of celebration. We celebrate life of all that connects us in some way. Happy Easter.

Retreat

Saturday I spent a day at my old college at the University of Toronto for a retreat. Once the Jesuits have you, they never let you go. So, I was told. Anyhow, the retreat was led by previous students I studied with who now teach there as well. It is always nice to reconnect and Regis is like going home to visit. I have mentioned this before, but what the heck, many of you don’t know, because I wrote about it in bits, here in there. After completing my psychology degree at York University, I was determined to continue full time studies in a Masters Program. I wanted another university because I heard it is best to continue studies at different universities. I applied to Ryerson for their psychology program and University of Toronto for their Masters of Ministry and Spirituality with the idea of incorporating Pastoral Counselling with the School of Theology also at the University of Toronto. I had emailed the Director of Psychology at Ryerson and was invited to their open house. There were people from all across Canada and Psychologists from the different programs. I spoke to all. It was a new program at the time. At the same time after sending my applications I was invited to attend Regis College at their old location for an interview. I asked a man on the street for instructions. He was the President of the school and suggested I accompany him. I had exchanged some emails to one of the professors and her friendliness drew me to the school. Anyhow, as I enter the school, I feel that warmth of a sense of familiarity. I am led to where I am supposed to be and then I get the interview. I am informed that I have been approved to be accepted as a student by a body of profs, but he has the final decision. After the interview where we also spoke in the Italian language (he studied in Rome), he brings me to the professors lounge and introduces me as the new student. That is how I knew I was accepted. A week or two later my acceptance letter came and so I emailed the Director of Ryerson stating that I was going to UofT. It was as simple as who wanted me first. I had always intended to go to the University of Toronto and only missed going there because when I contacted York University, I was told to hurry and submit all my documents because the deadline was the following Monday. I met the deadline and was accepted. Sometimes, things just happen and fall into place eventually. I sometimes toy with the idea of studying for my doctorate. In the past I had no interest in research. I couldn’t get away from it completely and did take a course requirement at the University of Guelph where I wrote a proposal for a research study regarding pedophile priests. I keep forgetting to add it with my transcript. I should have been included in the transcript but I won’t get into politics or biases. I retired from York in December and began my studies in January. I have been working part time since I was 13 and going to school to the present time. Someone said if you enjoy what you are doing, than it isn’t work. Retirement for me would mean just writing books. I do love to travel, however I cannot go too far right now at this stage. So, I graduate from all programs which includes qualifying as a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist. I begin my practice and now I also blog all my notes from undergrad, grad and current conferences, seminars and retreats. Anything that may be of interest for you. Since new conferences and educational seminars are beginning, I don’t want to delay so here goes about my retreat day. As soon as I am invited by my old school, I check my calender and if I am free, I go. Since I now work Saturdays as well, I do not book off the day once I have appointments. Because of that, I will be missing a two day event I was interested in attending. However, I always make the needs of my clients a priority, unless it has to do with self care. So, I do need lots of notice since I book ahead for a couple of weeks. At the retreat, I sat in the student lounge. I had stopped at Tim Horton’s before going for a coffee and biscuit with egg and cheese. I decided to bring some Timbits for the people. There were 40 of us. I didn’t realize that the retreat was going to be a reflection of silence. I am not good at being silent. I love to talk and interact and socialize with people I know and don’t know. I find people very interesting. I was shooosh twice during the day because my enthusiasm was louder than silence. Remember those days in grade school when you were supposed to keep quiet? Well my jokes usually got me into trouble and I remember once the teacher put tape on mouth. This was when they could do things like that. Another time I was sent to the corner and remember having books placed on both hands and having to keep my arms extended and not droop. So this method did not work, because even now after post grad, I still love to talk and make jokes. As one fellow student once told me years after our Masters program she used comments like she loved me or liked me, I cannot remember exactly because I was spirited or words to that effect and not at all lobotomized as the men from…………….were. Of course that had me in stitches. I used to love carrying my York University binder around because the stuffy ones thought York University was inferior. Aw, I have had fun. So, I am watching everyone come in and there is a student asking for names and a donation box. I donate and would have given much more with a donation receipt. I feel a tad bad, because since my bill was the first, others donated the same amount. However, the event was worth much more. The Theme was: “Come to the Quiet.” I am going to pay much more attention to the themes in future. One woman identified herself as Mister or at least that is what I thought I had heard. The student repeated her name and she again added Mister to her name. I took another look at her and thought she was female, but if she wants to be known as Mister so be it. The prior weekend I was at the Montgomery house with a friend having tea and we were asked if we were in agreement to share a table with two others. I had just mentioned to my friend that I‘m having difficulty at times distinguishing between genders. Hold and behold we sit with two students from U of T. I assume they are undergrads because they look very young and I also assume one is male and the other female. After some discussion, I stupidly ask if they are in a relationship. They deny it so vehemently that I assume they are not boyfriend and girlfriend. I am female the woman I thought was male states as her face turns a beet red. I stammer that it is the haircut and am wishing my mouth can stop. I then say I am so sorry and it is me not being able to distinguish between genders. I am forgiven for my stupidity and also for thinking they are undergads. They are International students (which means their education costs a double fortune from us Canadians) and they are studying for their doctorate. I am wondering where that teacher that used tape for my mouth is? At the time the teacher wanted to know what I had said which made people laugh and I could not say that the falls she was depicting was pouring urine instead of water. I was in junior school after all - Geography. The two students were brilliant and though one wants to stay here (should be no problem at all), the other wants to work in Asia, their gain and our loss. I learn that the perfume they put in diffusers has an ingredient that is very unhealthy. I asked about that since someone gave it to me as a present. We need to start holding our government more accountable to have them put their foot down when corporations sell these products. Anyhow, going back to the theme of quiet, we enter the chapel and in a monotone voice, my previous classmate and now prof, who shoooshes me when I cannot be quiet, is talking. I have a four page handout but I won’t do this to you. I shall save it however in my paper file just in case I decide to torture someone else in future. At break time where we should be sharing is my first shoosh. The man I am with indicates that we should be sharing, so I listen to him share. He is a very nice older man. His voice cannot be heard by others as mine can. We return to the chapel and continue with our contemplative prayer. My thoughts turn to a one month baby who had been stabbed several times by his mother and is in critical condition. Nothing bothers me more than babies being hurt especially by those who are to protect them. In my mind, I am holding the baby carefully and closely and by the end of the day, I am kissing the baby’s face. In my mind I want the baby to know what love is. I want the baby to have a chance to live and be given to someone who can actually love, as a baby should be loved, all children for that matter. It is now time to share and so it is back to the lounge and I share about my holding the baby. I am somehow hoping that my prayer will help the baby. I still don’t know if the baby survived. Yesterdays news? We are permitted a long lunch and so I am so excited that we now have an outdoor lounge and I go out and bathe in the sun. I raise my face up and soak in the vitamin D, I have been lacking all winter. Mr comes out to join me and we have a conversation. I am mindful, that I am not supposed to say anything stupid. I have learned from the weekend before with the two students. She tells me she is retired. She tells me she works with refugees and the poor etc…..I then ask if she is a sister and she says yes. Stupid me thought she was saying Mister. She was only addressing herself by her title. Now I have to get my ears checked. There is a protest going on and droves of people with signs and their children with signs are heading a block away to the parliament buildings. They are protesting cuts to education. We talk about politics and I wonder if the politicians wanting all teachers to pass a math test, though they don’t teach math, can pass a math test. Someone suggests that the premiere cannot pass a math test and of course I find that very funny and begin to laugh. We think lunch is over and return to the lounge however it is not and so I grab my elderly man and tell him to get his coat because it is so nice outside. He of course complies and now we are back on the lovely patio, I wish we had when I was there. We moved to the new building in my second year. This manor used to belong to the Christie family. You know the cookes, “Hey Mister Christie, you make good cookies.” It is supposed to be haunted, but I never saw anything, nor any of my classmates. Story goes that the original owner of the house had a separate area for his mistress and she hung herself there. Apparently she never quite left. Good story for “Open Doors.” The demonstration is getting louder and the emergency sirens are now heard as well. “ I feel like I am in a war zone,” I blurt out. My companion chuckles. Anyhow, after lunch we return to the chapel and it is taking everything I have to stay awake and quiet. I want so desperately to lay down and go to sleep. During sharing time, I share that I feel my brain has been washed. This is all followed by mass and when I say my goodbyes and walk to my car, I think I will pick up a pizza. However, I am so tired that if I stop I may just fall asleep waiting for the pizza. As cars cut me off and etc…..I do not react at all. I am too calm to react. I ponder and realize that I have never had a tranquillizer. I have never had a sedative. Is this what it feels like? I am useless the following day. And now, I am back to normal. I think this is a great experience for once in a life time. It is also good for a lobotomy replacement. I do spend each morning with nature. I spend each morning in a quiet space and so for me this was overkill. However, though this may not have been a good fit for me because I do practice this daily in a much smaller scale, I saw how many felt the benefits of this. And so I do recommend this type of quiet retreat for those who like to have some silence. For myself………give me life. What do you think?

Abuse

I was reading an article from Animal Talk, Winter 2018, I had picked up while at the Toronto Home Show, I like attending annually. It (p 5) conveyed that no women shelters allow pets and for many abuse survivors, leaving their pet behind with the abuser is not an option. According to a university of Windsor study, 90 % of women reported their partner also abusing their pet. 56% of the same women delayed leaving the abusive relationship due to fear for their pets. Now there are programs such as “SafePet” that provide temporary care for pets of those fleeing domestic violence. The Toronto Humane Society has announced: the Link T.O. - THS Community. The article continues that “soon, our large and experienced network of foster parents will be available to survivors of domestic violence while they seek help at a Toronto area shelter. www.ovma.org/pet-owners/safepet-program. I have seen and responded to abuse in all of my careers. It took me some time to understand why women and men stay in those relationships but with time and education which is the norm for any understanding, and with years of helping those sustaining abuse, I realize that nothing is ever as simple as it seems. I have described the “honeymoon effect” in previous blogs so I won’t repeat that. If you are a woman or man or teen or anyone reading my blog, if you are being hurt and told it is your fault, it is not. There is help. If you are told not to trust the police, think again. It is he or she who is concerned about the police arresting him or her. Running away from the abuser is something I have heard often. There are choices. This person is human and this person has slowly controlled you by removing your safety sphere. “Your sister is stupid and you shouldn’t hang around her.” “Your parents are morons and foolish.” “Your brother thinks he is so smart, but it is I who love you and not all these people who are poisoning your mind about me.” “I didn’t mean to hurt you but it is only because I love you.” “No one loves you like I do.” “See what you made me do? This is all your fault.” “Your therapist? What a joke. She’s not even married? What does she know?” Have you heard this? Think about it? There are many organizations out there to help you. I know I still owe you a list for running away if that is your choice (previous blogs). However, think of reaching out for help and know that this time your pet will be safe as well. No abuser should have a pet. I still have hope that time will reflect that in policy changing. Abusers control others because they can. However, abusers also weren’t born to become one. Often but not always the abused become abusers. Let’s break the cycle. If you know you are abusing, why not get help? What do you think?