The Global Awards - Powerful women speak up against sexual abuse

I normally watch the global and Oscar awards. However this time I was looking forward to see who would wear black and who would not. I was amazed. There was a trinkle of women who did not and I do not even know who they were. I was pleased because these are powerful women in their own right. They are taking a stand because they can. They shall make a difference. They not only encourage women who have been abused to speak out, but they also financially support those who cannot afford to take action themselves. I normally and usually listen to people express themselves socially or at functions and sometimes I will be passionate with my responses and sometimes I will assess what I am hearing and who it is from. When I am not working as a therapist, for self care I refrain from anything too heavy socially and surround myself with people who are simply put - nice. In the academic world, I know that for the most part, there is an understanding that for growth to occur we must challenge, question, ask and research our hypothesis. In the outside world, we see things that may not be right and either educate, advocate or simply observe and report. It is not limited to this. These are merely options. During the Christmas season I was at one dinner party where one older man asked the question, “What do you think about what is happening in Hollywood with all the accusations against men?” An older woman did not hesitate to state how sick and tired she was about it all. I was quite aware that I was being watched by one of the men wanting me to speak up. I did not. He knew better and so did I. This was not a genuine question but a need to substantiate that men are not bad. I know that all men are not sexual abusers and harassers. I have had and continue to have great relationships with men. They have taught me so much and they have protected me. I have been fortunate. I have also had to deal with men, I would prefer not to for one reason or another. I know that with all my years of experience working in the service of others and as a therapist that many women and men have been abused sexually, financially, emotionally and physically. I know that with too many, they have been abused as children. I know that with all my experience I can honestly say that not one of the people who have come to me have initiated taking anyone to court for what has happened to them, though I have offered them that option. What I have learned is that some feel, especially if they were abused as children, that they do not want to ruin the person who hurt them. Others are hurt and embarrassed and shamed especially when it is a family member. Others cannot fathom the emotional turmoil they will have to deal with by having this brought out in public. Still others feel somewhat responsible for what has happened to them. What I suggest to people who read my blogs and like to bash the victim or survivor, to just think a moment. Is this the message you want to give to your daughter, your grand daughter, your niece, your neighbour etc…….Do you want them to remain silent because they are afraid to speak up because they will not be believed? Clothing has nothing to do with a person being sexually assaulted or not. I am amazed every time a person who is a celebrity or person in a position of power suggests anything so wrong. It is all about power. It is this mundane notion that needs to change. This only makes the victim/survivor in too many cases feel it was his or her fault and the perp only promotes this. “This is all your fault”, “I will ruin you if you tell anyone” “No one is going to believe you,” “I will kill your family” etc……Silence only promotes this behaviour. Perhaps our judicial system needs revamping. However, I also know that there are times when accusations are false. I know that there has been a woman or more, in Toronto a few years back knocking on apartment doors and approaching men telling them to pay up or they will report that they have been sexually assaulted. I have said that the police should be called, but it was felt that he would not be believed. I have not heard about this recently so perhaps she was caught. People are innocent until they are proven guilty and that is a human right. However, if it is true and in most cases I believe it is, there must be an easier way for people to start taking this very seriously so that change is possible. In therapy I normally work with both women and men to help them understand that what has happened is not their fault, that they have choices. Often there is a lot of work to be done to restore or have them see themselves as good people. Too many believe it was their fault. How is it their fault? I know that average intelligence is not all that high. Yes there has been research and as I told one researcher, “Did you really need research to figure that one out?” Of course I was not speaking as an academic. One thing I have learned is that what happens to a person who has been assaulted effects them in such a traumatic and terrible way. They need to learn that not all women or men are like that, they need to relearn to trust themselves, they need to learn how to find joy again or for the first time. They need to learn that no matter what society tells them, the culture tells them or the perp tells them, it is not their fault. Father in laws, brother in laws, sister in laws need to remind themselves that when they are sexually pursuing their in-laws, they are harming the family system. One thing that people who like to control others is bashing all the support one may be having. If you are in a relationship and you find that your partner is bashing your family members and friends be mindful that the aim may be to control you. Once you are isolated, you are prey. If you are assaulted, report it. You are probably not an isolated case, and remember no matter what they tell you, it is not your fault. This is them trying to control you. If you are a parent and your child tells you they have been abused, report it. It is your job to keep them safe and if you cannot do that then get help for yourself and your child. Shame and a sense of unworthiness is something I work with, with clients. I am happy that the females at the global awards are working united against any form of discrimination and assault. I am glad that men are supporting them. For every man and woman out there and child, I tell you this. It is not your fault. It is not your shame. It is the shame of every man and woman who has done this or has allowed this to happen. For every parent who is aware that their child has been molested, believe them. Let them know how much you love them and if the perp is your husband, wife, son, daughter, relative etc…..please do not allow this to continue. The devastation this causes is enormous. Society in general does not look kindly against people who cause harm to others. Keep in mind that sometimes good people do horrible things and they need help. We do not know their stories. Yes, there are sociopaths out there who have no remorse. Yes there are sadists who enjoy inflicting harm to animals and people. We have a morale responsibility to help everyone who needs it and only by keeping our biases in check, refocusing what is important in life, being responsible in our voting decisions, and each of us trying to make a positive difference no matter how small, can we break the silence and break the cycle. Let us begin with education because people seem to be so ill-informed even when they mean well. What do you think?