Grief seminar

Grief Last week I attended Dr Darcy Harris’ lecture at Kane Funeral Home. I didn’t realize until I actually saw her that I had attended a seminar by her before which I recorded on a blog for you. At the time it was held at Sunnybrook Hospital. Dr Harris asked the group some questions which she didn’t get any answers to because she was sparing the introverts in the room. This was open to everyone including the public. Questions to ponder were: 1. What is most important to do and what is your guiding principal? She reported that the average life expectancy in Canada now is 80 for men and 84 for women. We women still live longer. Other tid bits she shared: approximately 42% if marriages in Canada end in divorce. The lower rate from previous stats is seen as a reflection of couples choosing not to marry versus choosing to stay married. In 2011, 747,000 Canadians were living with Alzheimer’s disease and other dementias. That’s 14% of Canadians 65 and older. One in 5 Canadians aged 45 and older provides some sort of care to a senior family living (with long term care requirement). She asked us if given the choice (raising hands this time) would we prefer organ failure, human frailty or terminal disease as we got older. I picked human frailty which is what the majority of us will have due to modern medicine. What was once considered terminal are now chronic conditions. As a result, the nature of care and experience of grief have changed. Families are often involved in the care of loved ones who experience a prolonged process of deterioration - a process that is often marked by extended and ongoing needs for care, accommodation and difficult decision making. Dr Harris provided some questions which I will probably ask if I ever teach. Again we did not answer any but these are questions you may want to ask yourself as you read this blog or save for another time. Exercise 1. (This is important because this determines your grief) Do you believe that most people are good and trustworthy? What guides your expectations of others? 2. What does “justice” mean to you? Do you have a “guiding” principle for life? What are your “core values”? 3. How do you tend to think of yourself? What roles define you? There was a major point which I often hear is to support and not fix. The loss of our assumptive world is what triggers the grief response. Dr Harris reported the 10 - 12 % of grief is complicated grief. ( I have written about complicated grief before). Dr Harris reported that some are not able to relate to God as they previously knew God. Cannot relate to others who feel the same as before. How can God let this happen to me? Dr Harris spoke of emotional intelligence. What is your feeling? What is it? How do you deal with it? Journaling? Underneath the emotions there is a reason. Dr Harris spoke of Disenfranchised Grief such as having an affair and the person who was married dying. Suffering the loss of a pet. Often one does not get the support needed. Social messages prevent them from getting the help they need. Sitting with someone and being present is a real gift - the gift of presence. I have certainly recommended that for people who have come to me for a consultation regarding helping friends suffering from various diseases, grief etc…… Dr Harris has written a book Counting Our Losses: Reflecting on Change, Loss and transition in Everday Life. Another book is Disenfranchised Grief. New Directions, Challenges and Strategies for practice by Kenneth J. Dora/Editor. I have written much about grief and if there are any questions please to not hesitate to ask. The information above was related by Dr Darcy Harris in the seminar and provided as well from her slides. I hope you find the information useful. I told Dr Harris that I wrote in my blog about her previous lecture. Have a nice week. I have read an article about an amazing physician working in a Bronx hospital. I will be sharing this with you probably next week as part of the Pastoral notes. It has to do in reference to assistance dying which I have much concern about, although I would never refuse to be with anyone requesting my presence. What are your thoughts? What do you think?