Confession - A Catholic’s Nightmare (can be) (Pastoral)

Confession is a requirement in the Roman Catholic Tradition. It has changed though from the past. Now instead of telling each and every individual sin, you may confess to a theme. You may also do it once a year. So this Easter season, I was talking to a friend of mine and she wanted to know when I was going to confession. “7:00 o’clock,” I told her and she replied that she would meet me there. I went to my Parish church earlier so I could get my thoughts in order and think of my theme. I always say I do not have patience. The last priest which I blogged about told me that I needed to be more patient with myself so I could be so with others. That made a lot of sense to me. This time I had an entirely different experience with the same sin (plus one). I sat myself in the pew to ponder my sins. I have been so busy that I have not really had time to sin. However, knowing I am far from perfect, I must have sinned, so how did I sin? The Pastor stood at the front and in the Portuguese language talked much. I thought he would say the same in English but that did not happen. I felt lost not being able to hear anything in English. I asked someone seated behind me what he said, but she did not speak English. I was wondering if I was going to be able to say anything else besides me having no patience again. That was beginning to sound dull, even to me. I must add something this year, I pondered in the English language. The Pastor left and returned to say that there would be Priests coming and that Italian would be heard from him at the back (in the confessional stall) and Portuguese would be heard at the front. English would be heard as well. I remained seated thinking about my sins. Is that really a sin I asked my self? No, I told myself, it is not. As I sat there contemplating of the entire method of confession, Priests began piling in. There was an Asian Priest and a long line quickly formed at the right front side of the church. No one was going to the Pastor. I followed suit to the Portuguese line. As I stood in line, I saw my friend enter the church. She was looking for me and I waved like an idiot for her to see me. She does a lot of work in the Church. She is a good person. Her sin is not having enough fun. Another priest comes in, a tall man, I later learn is Polish. She goes to him at the front left side of the Church and in no time, she is seen. I notice that people from the Centre seem to be moving fairly fast. There is an African Portuguese Priest who I thought was Canadian but boy was I mistaken. I notice that my line is not progressing and that another Priest has entered and is at the back centre. The centre line is almost empty and so I join the shorter line. I now see the other priest who is at the back near the altar and is very close to a person confessing. He has a very kind and serene type of face and is middle aged, older than the rest. Both he and the confessor are seated. The other priests at the front all have a mobile kneeling post for the sinner to kneel on. The priests however sit. This is very different from what I am used to. I am used to sitting. I have gone back into time. I see the Asian Priest assisting the elderly people to rise and kneel in front of him. He picks up an elderly woman’s purse to assist her. He is uncomfortable and I notice he is thinking of giving her his seat, as he looks back at his seat. He is compassionate. However, he cannot give her his seat. Where would he go? He cannot kneel before her. I am next and go to the African Priest and kneel. The Priest behind him at the back has a chair for the sinners but someone is still with him. I have forgotten when I last confessed and do not want to lie. He asks me if I speak Portuguese. I say no and ask if that is a problem. He says his English is not fluent but I do not guess that at all. I tell my sin of not being patient and throw in that I get angry some times. Then I hear it. I get a first experience of a different perspective from the last Canadian Priest. He begins to instruct me with Jesus always being patient and I am to continue in rote. I know what he wants to hear so I finish his sentences. I am responding in rote from my early childhood. He wants me to complete his sentences that Jesus is patient with me and therefore I should be patient with others. He is referring to the new Testament and what I really want to say is that Jesus was always getting mad. How can he not with the fools he had to deal with. However, I am visible to all the people in the Church. I have said my two sins and I am there forever getting a lecture. He then gives me my penance. “I want you to spend 10 or 15 minutes thinking about God etc…..”I am pleased. My penance is just spending time with God for 10 or 15 minutes. I do that anyway. I was hoping for a Hail Mary but this will do. Then he continues, “ and every day I want you also before you go to bed etc……and everyday before you open your mouth, I want you to think……” I say my Act of Contrition and he forgives me for my sins I am sure and all the ones I forgot, I am sure because that would be the routine, but of course I cannot understand because it is not in English.” I join my friend and she tells me she has to say the rosary which she does not mind because she does that anyway. I am in shock and told her I have penance for a year and stress the part about thinking before opening my mouth each time I open it. “What would be my penance if I killed someone!” I cry out rhetorically She is amused and I see her laugh which is good because she had to go to a funeral the day before which saddened her. My penance is amusing her. I do normally spend time every morning with God and normally when I go to sleep. However, to think every time before I open my mouth? That is not possible. I don’t know if he misunderstood me or if he thought I need anger management and this was his way of trying to help me with it. If I ever see this Priest again, I would certainly approach him and tell him what I really thought about Jesus and how he got mad. I would also say that it was the man part of him. Does God get mad? I am not God. I am only a mere person. Of course I get mad! What did this teach me? I am glad that it was me who he gave this penance to. I am glad that he did not give this penance to someone who could not accomplish this and think it was his or her fault. I wondered what education this Priest had and what Order he was from. I thought of the Asian Priest who thought so much of the elderly people who knelt before him, that he helped them as much as he could. I wondered what my penance would have been if I went to him? Would he have told me to be kinder towards myself? Would he have given me a Hail Mary? You are probably wondering why I am talking so much about my confession. It is simple. When you go to confession, you are confessing to a Priest who has a perspective stemming from his own education, culture, order and experiences. Penance is not meant to last until your next confession, which in my case is once yearly and he knew it. Confession is meant to be inviting. There was a reason why the Church made changes. So, if you go to a Priest please keep that in mind. Priests are like everyone. They are good and bad and wise and not so wise. They are human. We are not all the same. We are what we are because of our origins, our experiences, our exposures, education and biases. We are a product of everything we have been exposed to. We carry in ourselves all that has happened to us and all we have learned in how we interact with others. I would love to see that Priest again, to have a discussion regarding his penance and his views of confession. My suggestion to you is if you ever go to confession and do not experience a warm and inviting presence, and feel bad about it, please go to confession to someone else asap. This brings me thinking to what a colleague of mind said to me once. “It is easy for you to say go to someone else. What happens when you are from a small town and there is no one else.? I do hope I see this priest again so I can speak to him about how he came across to me. I would like to share that Jesus was God as well as man and that he was very much annoyed with others. He was always looking to change what he found unjust. He was annoyed with the religious leaders of the time and how everyone judged others instead of looking at themselves. He was supportive of women and they in kind supported him. There is so much we can learn from the life of Jesus. In the end, he summed us up, “Forgive them Father for they know not what they do.” Easter is fast approaching. Why not remember someone this season. In my neighbourhood several of us exchange small treats. Regardless of what I get, I appreciate it all equally, from farm eggs to chocolate to trinkets. It is an expression of love and that is what Jesus taught me most of all - love. What do you think?